Something needed to be done, and now I need wise words.

[Gibbsbasement]

Sorry, long.

I have either just been brave or stupid. I can't decide.

I've just set a ball rolling that is huge and is going to destroy our family.

Background.
'D'H and I have been together 20 years, married for 18. We have 2 lovely DC 13 and 11.

The issue is partly we don 't communicate well (well, I try to discuss stuff and he either shuts it down and changes the subject or escalates it to an argument and starts shouting). He needs to be in 'control' and the dominant member of the household.

We have had bad patches in the past and it always seems to be me that compromises or backs down.

He seemed to have jealousy issues when our children were born and didn't like not being the focus of my attention anymore and would sulk, be deliberately unhelpful and once when I asked for help and he could see that I was struggling with 2 very small DC under 2 he said I should "just pretend I'm not here. What would you do then?"

Things reached rock bottom for me when he hit me in the head as I was holding our newborn DS in my arms. I gave him an ultimatum that if he ever hit me again I would leave him and told him to get help for his anger. Things seemed to improve but it hasn't ever been an equal or loving relationship.

So in the past 5 years he has been getting steadily more aggressive. I though he may be depressed but he refuses to look into this with our GP. I understand that he is under pressure in a new role at work and is in a lot of pain and awaiting an operation which he keeps putting off. But I don't think that is an excuse for his behaviour.

The thing is when it was just directed at me I felt I could deal with it.

In the past few years as the DC have got older and have developed their own personalities and opinions he has started to shout at and bully them. He can't stand them making noise in the house and splits them up or causes an argument if it looks like they are getting on too well.

The final straw for me was on Saturday when he became so enraged and out of control arguing about homework with our DS that he dragged him upstairs to his room and he hit him.

DS has refused to go to school so far this week. He has finger mark bruises on his arm where he held him.

So...
I have been in to school today and have told DS's tutor what happened. The tutor is going to set in motion the child safeguarding policy, some support and counselling.

But, it's niggling. Have I done the right thing? I know I have, but I'm just about to blow my family apart.

I need advice on what to do next. What should I be doing? I'm at a complete loss. I've pulled the lever to release the wrecking ball and am now waiting for the first blow.

I know this will be messy, fraught, difficult. But what have I done? I'm about to destroy their whole world.

Thanks for reaching the end.

Can I ask what different scenarios you are running through in your head?

Blue stocking - different scenarios are just lots of questions swirling in my head through a thick soupy fog, coming in and out of focus.

Do I leave him? Take the DC and go? Where would I go? Who can I turn to?

Do I get a restraining order? How can I get one?

Should I sit tight in the house? What right do I have to make him leave his home?

Who should stay in the house? Should we sell the house? Would there be enough to divide and get us a place each?

I wonder if one of my RL friends knows a good solicitor?

What about money? How can I provide for DC?

I need a job. Do I need a job now? What about school holidays? Will I be able to earn enough to support us?

He is out of the house at work all day tomorrow. I will have time to think and plan.

A quiet day to think and plan will be very useful. I am sure one or more of your RL friends knows what I believe MN calls an SHS (shit-hot solicitor) who will do a great job of making sure you get every penny that you and your DC are entitled to.

Time to see a solicitor OP. You are doing the right thing - seeking to protect your DCs and yourself. Keep going.....a life without fear awaits.

He lost the right to stay in the family home when he became a physical threat to the safety of his family. Too fucking bad for him.

My bastard father was a violent bully and a massive twat. My mother did fuck all about it. I would have done anything for her just to stand up to the bastard and defend me, but she never did. She just let the bastard beat seven bells out of me and lock me up for hours on end every fucking weekend.

Guess how often they see their grandchildren.

You do need to start to prepare. See a solicitor. Gather together any/all financial information you can as well as important documents. At the very least be sure you know where they are. There are benefits you may be entitled to as a SAHM. I'm sure someone here will point you in the right direction (I'm not in the UK). Call WA, they will be an invaluable source of help and advice. If you have someone in RL in whom you can confide, especially if they can provide sudden shelter if you need it, please talk to them.

These are things you can do now. Tomorrow will have to take care of itself. Until SS contacts you or him you won't know the next step to take.

You have done the right thing, never doubt it. You are protecting your children which is a mother's paramount duty.

BTW, if indeed a 'salary' in your name is being paid into his bank account, do you have access to that information?

Time to stop wringing your hands now.

You did the right and only thing you could have done by talking to members of staff at school, you can't back down and shut up now otherwise you are saying what he did is fine and will be okay when he does it again.

Your son can't protect himself. Your daughter can't protect herself. That is your job and you need to do it.

Wishing luck to your children that you will do all you need too.

Say nothing to him.

Do I leave him? Take the DC and go? Where would I go? Who can I turn to? - No. He goes, and NOW! Talk to WA and SS.

Do I get a restraining order? How can I get one? Get legal advice.

Should I sit tight in the house? What right do I have to make him leave his home? - yes you should sit tight, unless he turns violent (in which case - police, WA, refuge) He lost the right to stay in the home when he hit you first, then your son. It will only get worse - and SS will start to ask you why you are allowing him to stay and abuse your children.

Who should stay in the house? Should we sell the house? Would there be enough to divide and get us a place each? Ideally you shoudl stay in the house until your dc are 16/18, if possible. Legal advice, estate agents for a valuation if necesssary

I wonder if one of my RL friends knows a good solicitor? undoubtedly. Someone will be going through, or has gone through the same

What about money? How can I provide for DC? I need a job. Do I need a job now? What about school holidays? Will I be able to earn enough to support us? Don't forget that he has a legal obligation to help provide for his children - this means mainenance to them (via you) and possibly even spousal maintenance to you.

Am going to try to get an appointment with GP today. This was recommended by school.

Going to see RL friend to help me get a plan together and a different perspective.

I've started putting together documents and am thinking about putting a grab bag together.

He's either going to be completely devastated at the betrayal. Or he'll get nasty and shout straight away. I know it won't be easy, he'll try to make out I'm delusional and I making it up and that I'm just the same as him (I'm not). But I don't care, he can't hurt DS anymore! It stops. Now.

DS reluctantly going in to school today. I let him know that school would want to speak to him about it. What else can I do for him so that he can begin to understand and feels safe?

What else? Get him out if the house and your lives ASAP! Then your kids can start to feel safe. You can do it!

Just let him know that you are doing your best to protect him. That you will not allow his father to hit him ever again. That it may take a bit of time to get things organized but it will be OK. Above all, please listen to him carefully as he may end up thinking that it's all 'his fault' for 'making' his father angry enough to hit him. Wrong of course, but children's minds go from point A to point Z without logic.

A 'go bag' is a good idea. I had one for years, even after the need for it had gone. It just made me feel safer knowing I had a few things thrown together and cash to get a room and food for a night or two.

You've made the first move. Yes to all of the above advice.

Try not to get involved when he argues. Refuse to rise to the bait. Don't react to whatever he says to you. It's not worth it. Let him point score if he wants. State what you want to happen calmly. It's very easy to escalate a situation by feeling you have to retort to the crap he will fling at you. You can rise above it and ignore it. Just be calm and employ the broken record technique.

You will get through this. You will probably look back and wish you'd done it years ago. It'll be horrid for a while but will then be so much better for you and the kids. How are they/will they be, feeling?

Stop talking about your betrayal of him. You haven't betrayed him. He isn't some master you have to obey. HE has betrayed your children and you.

Your priority is your children and it is your job to protect them from someone who wants to hurt them because he likes doing it and feels entitled to do it.

Well done for having started on this path. You've done the hardest part - you've opened up about what is happening.

My advice is to put yourself into robot mode - no thinking, certainly no worrying about his feelings (you're worried about the pain he'll feel for your "betrayal" - perhaps he's a big boy and can feel his own feelings for a bit, instead of you feeling them on his behalf?). Right now, it's all about the doing.

You need a plan: talk to WA. I know you've said it's a decade since he hit you, but he's been controlling you through the implied threat of violence. Someone doesn't have to be regularly violent to do this - he has you walking on eggshells out of fear, and that in itself is a sign of abuse. Oh, and there's the financial abuse too. So you do very much come within the category of those who need their services - don't hesitate to contact them.

Also talk to a solicitor about the house and the finances - get some numbers of local places and phone around for a free 30-min appointment. You can get the basic information you need and see if you click with any of them.

It's natural to doubt yourself, to wonder if you're making a fuss - he will play on this. Just remind yourself "Nobody gets to hurt my children". For now, don't even open yourself up to doubt. One foot in front of the other, do what you have to do. There will be more time for reflection once the dust has settled. Honestly, when you see your dcs fully relax at home as they realise they are truly safe, you'll realise how right it was to do this.

This is long...sorry. I put it together a while ago when someone asked the same..."What do i do" question.....I hope it helps.

Some things after he goes...but lots can be put in place now.

MONEY

1. Get a bank account in your sole name if you don't already have one ditto credit card and take his name off any joint cards where you are the primary card holder.
2. Tell the council that you are a single adult occupancy home, they will reduce your council tax immediately.
3. go through bills and change them to your name only
4. Change Child benefit to go into your sole account
5. tell tax credit helpline that you are now a single parent and get them to reassess your entitlements and pay into your sole account
6. Go to entitledto.com and check you are in receipt of any and all benefits that you are entitled to

CHILDREN
Contact is for the benefit of the children. Don't be bullied into doing anything that is not in their best interests. If you let him see them unsupervised then this is the benchmark if/when he takes you to court. And whatever you do don't have contact supervised by you or in your home.

LAWYER UP...when you are ready
Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. There is a good little book published by Which...it saved me hundreds of pounds as I went in prepared. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible.
A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (“Statement of Arrangements for Children”). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (“Residence and Contact” regarding children, “Financial Order” or “Ancillary Relief” in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don’t just stick with the first lawyer you find – shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you’re happy with.

If you can’t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:
www.resolution.org.uk/

Mediation
You will be encouraged to attend mediation to agree finances and child contact arrangements if you can't do this between yourselves. It's cheaper than lawyers or courts battling it out and effective where there is no abuse in the relationship if you have to go in an abusive relationship...see the mediator on your own, tell them what went on. They won;t mediate...job done.

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights
www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:
www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Child Maintenance Calculator: www.gov.uk/calculate-your-child-maintenance

Support and information.www.gingerbread.org.uk/

I am sorry this has happened, i hope you will find your way through the mess, both emotional and practical and will be able to come out the other side ready for a new and better life.

Please please please contact Woemn's Aid. They will be an absolute rock for you throughout the entire process. They will answer all your questions, they can put you in touch seriously good family lawyers, they will hold your hand and advise you from the beginning to the end where you are free. They are invaluable.

I spent the day in the company of a good RL friend.

She re-iterated what you have all said: that I've done the right thing.

She has started researching solicitors, suggested I contact the company accountant and has offered us all safe harbour. She's bloody marvellous!

I have been in to school and spoken with Head of Year and Deputy who have been brilliant. My friend came with me took notes and asked lots of questions for me while my mind turned to mush. The school are going to speak to SS and are concerned not only about the DC but me as well and are being really supportive.

So the process has started...

Thank you everyone who has added to the thread. I am reading and re-reading what you are saying. Some is going in, some is not, but I appreciate your support and will try to act on every piece of advice.

My mind is foggy and sometimes it feels too much but I can sense you all behind me and that is helping. Just to know that others know what has happened and it doesn't 't need to be kept quiet anymore is a huge relief.

Does he know anything yet? perhaps it would be wise to take up the offer from your friend before he gets wind of what he is going to be facing. He might kick off.

No, he doesn't know anything yet. School think SS will contact me within 24 hours of them being notified and then contact him after that. School will let me know when he's going to be contacted.

Oh, bless your dear friend!

Well done you brave lady

To be this strong after years of abuse takes some courage. Please know that lots of us are thinking of you and cheering you on to a much better life. It's the best thing you could ever do for your dcs, give them a safe, happy environment.

I forgot my practical point there - take photocopies of any financial or legal documents you can find in the house and give them to your friend to store in her home along with passports and any other important documents of yours.

Have you photographed the bruising on your son's arm? I think you definitely need to do that, just in case.

Try to get in the habit of writing down everything that happens. Go back as far as you can remember and include everything that's scary or bullying or dodgy.

You are doing the right thing. Keep going, it's hard but more than worth it