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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Something needed to be done, and now I need wise words.

78 replies

Gibbsbasement · 14/10/2014 17:06

Sorry, long.

I have either just been brave or stupid. I can't decide.

I've just set a ball rolling that is huge and is going to destroy our family.

Background.
'D'H and I have been together 20 years, married for 18. We have 2 lovely DC 13 and 11.

The issue is partly we don 't communicate well (well, I try to discuss stuff and he either shuts it down and changes the subject or escalates it to an argument and starts shouting). He needs to be in 'control' and the dominant member of the household.

We have had bad patches in the past and it always seems to be me that compromises or backs down.

He seemed to have jealousy issues when our children were born and didn't like not being the focus of my attention anymore and would sulk, be deliberately unhelpful and once when I asked for help and he could see that I was struggling with 2 very small DC under 2 he said I should "just pretend I'm not here. What would you do then?"

Things reached rock bottom for me when he hit me in the head as I was holding our newborn DS in my arms. I gave him an ultimatum that if he ever hit me again I would leave him and told him to get help for his anger. Things seemed to improve but it hasn't ever been an equal or loving relationship.

So in the past 5 years he has been getting steadily more aggressive. I though he may be depressed but he refuses to look into this with our GP. I understand that he is under pressure in a new role at work and is in a lot of pain and awaiting an operation which he keeps putting off. But I don't think that is an excuse for his behaviour.

The thing is when it was just directed at me I felt I could deal with it.

In the past few years as the DC have got older and have developed their own personalities and opinions he has started to shout at and bully them. He can't stand them making noise in the house and splits them up or causes an argument if it looks like they are getting on too well.

The final straw for me was on Saturday when he became so enraged and out of control arguing about homework with our DS that he dragged him upstairs to his room and he hit him.

DS has refused to go to school so far this week. He has finger mark bruises on his arm where he held him.

So...
I have been in to school today and have told DS's tutor what happened. The tutor is going to set in motion the child safeguarding policy, some support and counselling.

But, it's niggling. Have I done the right thing? I know I have, but I'm just about to blow my family apart.

I need advice on what to do next. What should I be doing? I'm at a complete loss. I've pulled the lever to release the wrecking ball and am now waiting for the first blow.

I know this will be messy, fraught, difficult. But what have I done? I'm about to destroy their whole world.

Thanks for reaching the end.

OP posts:
Original poster
Gibbsbasement · 14/10/2014 18:01

Sorry for radio silence for while. Cooking dinner. He's just got in.

He's playing cards with DS at the kitchen table as if nothing has happened and it was completely normal.

OP posts:
CurtWild · 14/10/2014 18:16

Just want to add another voice to the chorus of 'you did the right thing'. You absolutely did.

overslept · 14/10/2014 18:22

Just read your other post about standing still. It is fear and shock, it is NOT your fault, it is not your fault that you couldn't do anything it is in fact the damage this man has done. You wanted it to end, you were scared and didn't want to make it worse, which he may have reacted to had you gone in shouting. You are taking drastic action now which speaks more volumes than putting yourself at more risk and potentially worsening a situation. You are going to win by leaving and never giving this man another minute of your time. You are taking the action needed now, so while you may not have been able to control that particular situation you are taking control or your and your DC entire futures. X

Noctambulist · 14/10/2014 18:28

My dad used to hit my brother.

I wish my mum had been brave enough to do something to protect him. And I know my brother will never forgive either of them. Sad

seasavage · 14/10/2014 18:30

Well done OP. You are absolutely doing the right thing for your family.

overslept · 14/10/2014 18:44

Also, I think you are incredibly brave OP. You didn't wait until somebody outside noticed or asked questions. YOU were brave enough to open up about this and start the ball rolling to changing things.

captainmummy · 14/10/2014 18:51

You are doing the right thing OP. It's a big thing, but break it down into little steps - WA,SS,Police,School, solicitor...

ANd the 'totally normal' - he'll be sweeping it under the carpet, and will be furious if you bring it up. It's 'no big deal', right?

Errr, no. BIG deal. Big Big deal, H. But he will minimise, so as to make it not a big deal, and then anything that you do about it, is 'over-reacting'.

Please get this monster away from your children, and you. And stay safe.

Castlemilk · 14/10/2014 18:56

Thank God for that. Well done for being a mother who will protect her children.

Women's Aid, police, SS. They will all help, and certainly talk to a solicitor about the financial abuse and your so-called 'job' - basically, what he's been doing could even be classed as tax evasion, it might certainly be fraud. Get clued up on that and the potential trouble he could be in, as it will be a very helpful point to make to him when he starts telling you that you won't see a penny from him...

You have done absolutely the right thing.

dreamingbohemian · 14/10/2014 18:57

You did the right thing. I agree you need to be very careful now though.

Definitely talk to your neighbour, having a policeman within earshot is very handy. Find out what the police can do to keep you safe. Be honest about everything aggressive he has done in the past.

And see a solicitor ASAP. Your husband can want whatever he likes, it doesn't mean he will get it.

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 14/10/2014 19:01

Absolutely did the right thing.

Be careful, delete your internet history, make sure he doesn't know you're posting on here.

Itsfab · 14/10/2014 19:03

Holy crap I want to give you a big peace of Cake and tell you hell yes you have done the right thing!

Your husband is an abusive bully and you have absolutely done the only thing you could do and protected your children from any more abuse.

YOU haven't blown your family part, your hopefully soon to be ex husband did that the day he started being controlling and abusive.

Delete your history.

Absolutely chilling that he removed your child upstairs to hit him. No momentary loss of temper as can happen when children get smacked but a concerted effort to remove him away from you so he could hit him in peace Angry.

Don't say a word about what you have done. I doubt you are safe.

Tomorrow, get busy with the bank card. Pay slips and no money can't be legal, can it?

YellowTulips · 14/10/2014 19:17

OP it's a real privilege on this thread to hear from someone independently and bravely breaking out of an abusive relationship rather than an opening post of "he hit the kids, is he out of line?".

Yes you have done the right thing. You have not blown your family apart - he has. It sounds like he has had many opportunities to seek help for his anger and health issues and failed to do so. He doesn't deserve any pity or sympathy.

Please do contact WA and get to a solicitor ASAP.

You don't know how he will react to this so make sure you are clear about your options - which may include a restraining order.

Reaching the decision you did whilst right, can't have been easy.ThanksThanks

Meerka · 14/10/2014 19:22

gibbs - take a photo of the bruises now.

And most of all, keep your mobile with you at all times so you can ring 999 if you have to.

You have been very brave and you have definitely done the right thing. Your poor children.

foolonthehill · 14/10/2014 19:28

Well done.

Yes it's daunting
Yes it's scary
and yes it was the right thing to do.

3 years on all I can say is that a life without the eggshells and bullying is a transformed. My children are different people.

Sometimes the only way to a good place is the hard way.

TalkingintheDaaaaaaark · 14/10/2014 19:29

You've absolutely done the right thing. Your H is a violent, abusive bully and you and your DC are not safe around him. Your DC deserve protection from him and so do you.

And you're right that your own "shitty" childhood will have groomed you for an abusive relationship like this, and made it hard for you to see earlier how unacceptable it was and that you didn't have to put up with it.

Well done for breaking through all that and taking action.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 14/10/2014 19:38

"Pay slips and no money can't be legal, can it?"

I daresay "her" wages are being paid into his own bank account. As long as the correct reporting is being done to HMRC I can't see what offense is being committed.

The OP needs the advice of a solicitor tout ruddy suite.

Plus, contact needs to be made with Womens Aid before SS get in touch with her. I have a feeling that she may have need of a place in a refuge quite soon. Abusers are at their most dangerous when they feel their victim is slipping from their grasp.

Jux · 14/10/2014 19:39

That's the trouble, "playing cards as if everything's completely normal". What your son is learning is that it is completely normal. That's why it is so important that you have done the right thing now, and will show your son and your daughter that it is very completely far from normal. Far from normal and unacceptable, and the sooner your children see the results of your action the better.

So tomorrow, when you're at home, and he isn't, phone the police and report it; phone social services and report it; phone WA and talk to them.

With any luck your h will be arrested pronto and you will never have to share space with him again.

Report everything. Everything.

Think about your son. He's thinking "dad hits mum, she does nothing; dad bullies us, mum does nothing; dad hits me, mum does nothing. Is that because I'm not worth bothering about, or because this happens in everyone's house? Everyone feels like I do when their dad hits them? When their dad leaves bruises on their arms? Are there people in the world who don't have bruises on their arms from their dads? what about girls? Will I have to hit my wife? Will I have to hit my son?"

Original poster
Gibbsbasement · 14/10/2014 20:10

He's taken our DD out.

I'm sat here thinking "oh shit! What have I done?"

Is it worth breaking up the family for?

I know it is.

Am I brave enough to follow this through?

I'm going to have to be

Why did I open this can of worms. Can I handle this?

I feel alone and it feels like it could be too much to bear. I have no close family so will need to lean hard on friends but don't want to be a burden.

Why would I give up the life I have? It would be all too easy to ignore what happened and put my head in the sand.

To the outside world we have a very comfortable life. What a mess.

OP posts:
HearMyRoar · 14/10/2014 20:15

The life you have is dominated by fear and violence. Giving that up is no bad thing! What you are doing is going to be hard but in the end you will have a life that doesn't involve living in fear for yourself or your children.

Vivacia · 14/10/2014 20:33

I know these are hard words, but in my opinion you should have done this a lot sooner than you did. Don't ignore it any longer for the sake of a comfortable lifestyle.

concernedaboutheboy · 14/10/2014 20:34
Flowers

Letting go of what you've known for a long time is always, always hard and 110x harder when someone's been manipulating you for so long. No doubt you probably don't have much faith in your own judgement either because he's done such a thorough number on you :(

Stay steadfast. You sound intelligent and like you've hung on to your morals and your dignity despite years and years of being treated like a punchbag.

Noctambulist · 14/10/2014 20:43

Why would you give up the life you have?

Because your DC will be irreparably damaged if you don't. And they will judge you at least as harshly as they judge him. My view is coloured by my direct experience. Do the right thing, not the comfortable thing. Good luck.

foolonthehill · 14/10/2014 21:14

you give up what you know....

you gain a life without bullying and fear...
you just have to get through the rubbish for a little while...

you can do it,

You will be ok

get lots and lots of support and help

especially from women's Aid.

You don;t need to do it alone

Bluestocking · 14/10/2014 21:20

Wow, Gibbs, you are one seriously brave woman. Please know that you are doing absolutely the right thing for yourself and your DC. I have nothing but admiration for you.

Original poster
Gibbsbasement · 14/10/2014 21:21

There's no doubt in my mind that I've done the right thing. I know I have.

It doesn't stop me from running it all through in my mind thinking about different scenarios.

Just to set the record straight he has not hit me since that ultimatum over 10 years ago. But, he has scared me and intimidated me and stopped me from leaving the room during arguments by standing in my path and blocking my exit.

He doesn't need to physically hurt me for me to know that it is wrong to stay with him.

OP posts: