The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Kicking The Wicked Wine Witch Where It Hurts! Mwahahahahahahaha!

[Mouseface]

Hey, I'm Mouse, welcome to the Bus (aka Gerald!)

We're a mixed bunch of folk, some have been here for a while, and of course we have some new additions too. It matters not one jot how long you travel with us, as long as you get something from it.

No matter your story, your needs, your fears and hopes, you CAN come on here and talk. You can cry, scream, rant, let it all out and not be judged for anything. Ever.

We've all been so very low, some have hit the very bottom of the rock, rubbed the bruising better and picked ourselves back up again but sometimes, you need a helping hand or someone to listen too.....which is why we're here, sharing our experiences, or just reading each other's and nodding as we click along.....

The support here is unconditional. :)

There are two banners down each side of Gerald, our super duper Bus saying -

1. • The Vulnerable Need Our Support, Not Our Judgement
2. • Alcohol Fosters Inertia

We have lots of food on board, but mainly Opal fruits!!! They tend to be anything other than green, as they get snapped up vair fast indeed!

If you would like to know a bit more about how we got to where we are today, you can read these threads.

THE PREVIOUS THREAD

THE START OF THE JOURNEY

Hope to see you soon :) x

Wry*. thanks - we do have a favourite walk tis in the country.
I can agree with so much you say - you are so right you are the master of your own destiny - onwards and upwards to a better one x

Thanks to others for well wishes much appreciated. Day 6 - Day 6 Day 6 did I mention Day 6 !!!!! Can't believe it !!! Looking better and feeling better - sleep not there yet but I know will get there - going of to watch DD1 do a cross country run - check you all later xxxx

wry love you sound like you're at a turning point. Bloody good for you. You deserve better than being taken advantage of by someone who doesn't show care for you. He sounds like he's behaving like a parasite at the moment, and has no respect for you

You're not the same as him. I know the having a problem like we've all got can make you feel really shit sometimes, weak and substandard, but that's just not true. You're on here because you're fighting every step of the way, because you're bigger than the WW and brave enough to face her. Don't you need to be even more courageous to do that than someone who's never had to admit their own weakness?

And drinking, also, is about numbing ourselves, because things are too much to deal with and booze is an easy way of checking out for a while. That is not the same as trying to wheedle hundreds of pounds out of someone else because you haven't managed your finances properly, fancy a second telly, and think you can get the cash out of them because they've an emotional bond to you.

I haven't got any fierce beasts but I could probably borrow next door's mental pointer cross puppy and go round to WBs for a good menace if you like. It loves everyone but it's hard to tell the difference between love and savaging when it's excited. Plus its claws haven't been clipped in ages. What do you say?

faith, hope the evening went well! When it comes to pubs I find I spend about 45 minutes being Angry I Can't Have A Drink, then it wears off and I'm fine . Lime and soda all the way.

beaches, 5 days AF with that kind of chat is Herculean! Nice one

Hi spanna, thanks

ma: jealous

70: Day 6! Woooooop! Hope the run was good and it wasn't cheesing it down.

Radio silence thus far from my mother on whether she can do a November visit. This means something is brewing. I can smell it in the air. Heigh ho

Morning everybody :)

My evening was better PhraseAndFable, thanks. Last night not so though.

I just find it so difficult to spend the evening on my own so I resort to having a drink, just can't seem to stop at one :(

I know I need to cut down but it just helps to numb the loneliness.

Maybe this evening a nice bath and bed with a good book.

Hi Jonathan,

Yeah, I know that feeling. I used to think of nights alone as a chance to drink as much as I wanted, though actually they always ended up being the most hopeless and least enjoyable of all. It's hard to choose not to drink when you're on your own, cos there's nothing else to do and no-one else to let down.

Do you live with someone, or do nights at home always mean alone?

My tips for a good AF night in would be:

-Tire yourself out beforehand if necessary. Offload the nervous energy in exercise or tiring tasks.

-Delay, delay, delay. Distract yourself through your normal drinking hour. MN is good for this, or a phone call would do the same, or chores.

• Eat early. Make it something nice. Get dessert in if that makes it a treat.

• Plan something just for you. If you live with someone and they don't like something that you do like, have/watch/do that thing when it's your night in. Watch a film, get a good book, play some music loud etc.

-Beclothes: freshly washed is nice, smelling good so when you get into them at the end of the evening you feel all cosy Make the small things an occasion, pamper yourself.

Those work well for me - and once you've overwritten your old habits with a couple of nights in AF, it gets a lot easier

Morning all. What to do on this glorious gift of a day? I feel a walk on a beach up the East Neuk coming on.
First I have to visit my father though and am apprehensive as to what he will be like today. Bad day yesterday so today's plans could change depending how he is. Better get my arse into gear and go check on him.
wry if you buy that wb a telly I will take your big thievy spoon and shove it where the sun don't shine!
Email you say? Hmmmmmm Did I tell you that yesterday was a VERY good day?

Hi babes, I haven't posted here for ages but I have just been catching up with old threads and am struck and moved all over again by how lovely the bus is. I joined the bus for awhile earlier in the summer when I was first trying to get sober but then I just got overwhelmed with depression and anxiety and sort of checked out of everything. I have a tendency to do that - I'm sorry. I've missed you all but especially wry and her bosies!

On the happy side, I have spent most of the summer AF and am still going to loads of AA meetings. I still have reservations about the AA philosophy but the meetings are definitely helping me stay sober, so I'm still going, the way a drowning person clutches onto a lifeline. My city has loads of meetings, 2-3 a day, so I'm lucky in that regard.

I still keep slipping a lot, which basically means that I'll go for a couple of weeks without a drink and then have a couple of glasses. I know that sounds absolutely innocuous, but it is bad for me because then the cravings start again worse than ever. Bleh. I suspect I probably need to be stone cold sober, period, in order to have a functional life. On the other hand, I hate the way that every time you have a drink, even one drink, AA encourages you to share at a meeting about it and tell your sponsor and everyone shakes their head and hugs you and commiserates with you over your 'relapse'. ARGH! The bus is so much more non-judgemental. (See, I told you I wasn't 100% on board with the AA philosophy. Not yet anyway.) guggenheim, I'm very sympathetic to the struggle you've had - trying to find your footing between being dry or drinking in moderation, going to AA or not going to AA. In the end everyone has to find their own path.

One thing I can say with resounding certainty though is that EVERYTHING in my life is better now that I'm not drinking. My anti-depressants are working better, my relationship with DH is better, my anxiety levels are much more manageable, I am free of the terrible headaches and nausea I used to live with for years. And perhaps most importantly, I'm (mostly!) free of the huge burden of guilt and self-loathing I used to carry around with me constantly. I feel so much happier about myself. I'm so much kinder to myself.

So to all you brave babes, I would say, keep on going, because it's worth it! You're worth it.

The uni term has just started and it felt so strange and unfamiliar to be sitting in my office all day sober. I kept opening desk drawers almost automatically to check for hidden booze. Or thinking, "15 minutes before my next seminar - enough time to pop to the shop for a bottle!" And then remembering that I don't do that any more. It just brings home to me how insane I was before.

It's day 7 for me today, yay! I meant to namecheck some people but the kids are driving me bonkers; I have to get off the computer a bit and give them some attention. Back later today. Happy weekend and ginormous bosies to all. XX

Right coming out from under safety blanket. DM's firmly strapped on and I'm going to sit at the back for a bit. Today will be af.

Thank you so much to all my lovely babes,it's been a dark time and I totally lost my fight and humour but things are ...umm...starting to improve maybe. or perhaps it's easier to say that adjustments are bring made and I can at least see where the next battle is coming from.

I haven't been to dr yet because the first appointment is in 2 weeks time and i had to fist fight the dragon receptionist to get that. It's a relief to be ready to ask for help though. Life has been shitty Mcshit for long enough.

Reading and smiling at all the threads- lots of love from me. x

I have let myself down.
Started off fine with lemon and lime. Then decided to have "just a small white wine with my meal". Then I had a large glass of wine. First two were fine and drunk sensibly. Then I had 3, 4 and 5 (maybe 6, I can't be sure).

Evening was good. I was drunk but nice drunk. Nothing happened that was embarrassing, (except being violently sick at home). I do feel ashamed of myself though. I am also angry that I have wasted a precious day as I feel like crap.

White wine is my worst enemy. I have made a vow never to drink that poison again. I really want to stay on the bus, but if I am honest with Christmas and New Year approaching I will be doing an Olive. I may try cocktails, as I can't seem to neck them.

Hope you are all ok babes. Sorry this one is all me, me, me.

Will catch up with you when I have recovered. xxx

Hey guggs and marfisa. Good to see you ready to take on the world again.
faith it happens. Don't beat yourself up too much. Hope you feel better soon.

Hi guys, just been to another kids party where dd2 decided running through the entire large hotel was way more fun than the actual party. Others wanted to follow suit so chaos occurred and many disapproving stares at me for what looked like 0 parental control. A hotel with a bar may I add and remained sober despite being a nervous wreck trying to ensure dd2 didn't end up jumping in the pool which is not beyond the realms of possibility.

Learning to live without wine is one thing but facing real life with all that it entails is proving difficult for me. I'm an anxious person, I live on my nerves as my mum says but wine as one of you do eloquently said "slows down the noise", I overthink everything and often wish I could my brain in a jar and have a peaceful internal silence which previous blackouts provided. I still can't find an outlet for all this emotion, I feel raw and naked and antsy and I need to exhaust my thoughts, dial down the crazy!!!

guggs I'm so pleased you have arranged an app for the docs, I have to say sometimes will power alone cannot lift our mood or our ability to cope, I imagine it's like our minds short circuit and we become faulty but still look ok and perfect out mandatory tasks but depression is the most powerful force I have ever encountered and I have given up wine to enable the ad's to work in all their glory. I'm more scared of going back to the hell of a nervous breakdown than I am of not drinking wine. The fact it could compromise the magic pills is fear enough. Do many people told me it would get better but unlike any physical illness there is no timescale and you become petrified you will never feel good ever again. If I had got help when I realised things were getting darker I might have saved myself and my family the hell of my descent so your brave and courageous to reach out, I'm so glad.

marfisa your doing brilliantly, I remember your previous posts and you seem much more empowered. A few glasses here and there never hurt anyone but I guess some people can eat a slice of cake and be satisfied, I want the whole cake and would make myself sick as hell and full of remorse and feel ugly and fat and need more cake to alleviate my self loathing.

You sound like your definately winning the battle, it's a journey and we will all take a wee detour now and then but that what makes us human and not machines, we are vulnerable and the ww may catch up with us but she'll never beat us.

I'm 5 weeks sober and the benefits are incredible but right now the honeymoon period is fading and I feel a bit vacant and jaded, I'm still little ole me, my worry's and fears still valid but I'm staying sober because the alternative is too scary to contemplate.

Sorry for sounding somber, this real life business is exhilarating and excruciating, I'm holding on for

A sense of contented calm, fingers crossed.

Lots of hugs to all my fellow brave babes xxx

BabyJane - I suffer terrible anxiety too - wine makes me feel better - it dies - it stops me thinking and for a time it feel happy - wine was my friend at night when I was alone with terrible thoughts - however - I know the next day was terrible - as well as Normal worries - I would worry about the wine I was drinking - I do miss it - but I am keeping on hoping to find inner peace somewhere along the way !

baby you are doing brilliantly and have come such a long way from the meltdown you described some time ago. Look at what you have achieved and be very proud.

Love to you all x sorry not well enough to do a proper nc- am getting there.

baby I was thinking of pm ing you but you have read my mind and have answered all of my questions. This year has brought about the biggest upheaval and disaster that I can describe,it feels as though everything that was vital to me has been taken away. And it's not fair. I stayed sober last year,I faced up to what had happened to me as a child,I dealt with some of my character failings..and none of it stopped the bad times from coming.

Of course,nothing can stop life from being what it is and on the back of all my hard work I am suddenly able to see other parts of my life which aren't quite right either. I sort of feel as though the pieces of the jigsaw are finally falling into place. I've been depressed for at least 18 months + and I think I can trace back to an incidence which just pushed me over the edge.

It's taken the latest crisis to just get up the courage to say that i need all the help available and I hope that I can build up a more stable future.

I am taking strength from your strength baby : ) At 1 month I can remember having a dip- DO NOT GIVE IN!!!!! Please stick it out for another 2 months because there is a huge high when you get to that 3 month stage.

ma have been thinking of you and your awesome weekend to yourself.

Thank you babes everything has revolved around ds and the latest thingumy what has gone wrong. This thread has just helped me to start thinking about life outside of my house and what I need to do to get better. Ds is ok by the way,he's not ill,it's just that something unexpected
has happened and I've had enough of sodding everything.

Thank you for letting me talk. I tell everyone else that I'm fine like fuck I am

guggs sound like you are really up against it. Hope things get better soon.
I really shouldn't have had all that Haagen Daaz....feel sick!

Shhh...do any of you hear that? That noise. What is it?!?

Ahh. I know. It's the almost imperceptible noise of, hang on...yes. I definitely know! It's the unmistakeable sound of ma's beans spilling!

G'wan ma get it off your perfect boobies chest.

marfisa!!!!! oh it's lovely to have you back on the bus, missed you, you lovely thing! I'm pleased you're sounding so positive, I'm glad your life is surprising you with the clarity of all that sobriety has to offer, so proud of you and so chuffed for you, bless your wee wellies, xxx ((((((((((MissedGivingYouABosie,Bosie)))))))))) xxxxxxx

baby as always, your heartfelt posts melt me, inspire me and lift me. You are so open and honest, been there, done it and got the t-shirt. Or should I say perhaps upgraded to the Smock Of Smug! 5 weeks! Ye wee belter ye! You hang on in there, any day now those clouds of doubt will part and you'll be bathed in a rosy glow. You are doing brilliantly ma quine, my wee heart is bursting oot o my chest wi pride, but if you don't mind I will be hanging on to your coat-tails. Just for a tidge o support, you understand. I'll let go when you need the loo, xx

I would love to NC but at work and on BatPhone, will try to sneak back a bit later, xxx xx

. I'm telling you nothing, do you hear, nothing!!!!!

Guggs that "fine" that we tell people, sometimes it stands more for....

F**ked up
Insecure
Neurotic and
Emotional

(at least it does for me). Hang in there peanut x

Hi to everyone else, I am too frazzled to concentrate on much but keeping on. Maybe news of illicit emails may distract me....

Thank you, baby, for the kind and eloquent words. Huge congrats on the 5 weeks of sobriety! And yes to what you say about cake, the whole cake. I know it was meant to be an analogy but the idea of literally eating a whole cake instead of just one slice is quite plausible to me at the moment, ha. I have lost NO weight since I stopped drinking, which is quite an achievement when you consider how many calories I was consuming in the form of drink! Clearly I've replaced drinking with comfort eating, which isn't ideal. Never mind though, one addiction at a time.

Also, I know EXACTLY what you mean about wanting to escape raw emotions and overthinking, wanting to 'dial down the crazy'. Being sober, mentally awake and alert all the time is just so bloody exhausting, I sometimes feel desperate for a mind-altering substance, any mind-altering substance. I keep thinking I should try meditation, but it requires patience, time and a quiet place and I am perennially short on all those things. Never mind.

wry, you are the best. to you too. Extraordinary anecdote that was, about your WB and his thoughtful suggestion that you purchase him a brand new telly for the SECOND TIME. The cheek of him! Well done for escorting him out with a cold farewell. I hope your leg is getting better; I imagine that being on your feet at work all the time doesn't help.

I fervently second sobersoc's idea that you go for Nanowrimo! Even though you're probably already doing the equivalent of Nanowrimo already, every day on the bus.

guggs, wishing you strength and sorry you are facing so much right now. You sound so lucid in the midst of it all. I personally am a big fan of ADs and I hope they work for you if that's what you and your GP decide to go for. It's a shame you had to fight even to get the appointment; well done for persisting.

Thinking of you, faith, you can do it!

ma, there's no such thing as too much Haagen Dazs. And why is everyone talking about bean-spilling and thumbscrews? what did I miss? are you and Distracted Chap about to ride off together into the sunset?

Blimey, beaches, your mum sounds dreadful. As someone who accidentally-on-purpose ended up living 5,000 miles away from my own family... well, I sympathise.

G'night to all. x

Day 7 :)

marfisa I wish! Pay not attention to wry and joey. They seem to think there may have been email contact between Distracted Chap and myself even though he is now far away and it is quite clearly OVER! deletes browsing history

I smell burning pants ma, shall I phone the fire brigade?

beaches you need a shot of ma's masseuse. He always makes her feel better. I wonder if soc felt the same feelings of being mentally exhausted in her process. Sheay be able to offer some advice on how to beat that barrier. I never got quite that far sadly.

Taking Little to the beach later, the sun is shining so we will make the most of it. She loves feeling the wind in her ears, she looks like an excited Sooty or a dancing Snoopy. Life seems so simple when you're a cared for dog. As long as she is loved, fed, watered and walked she's content.

Sea air, good company, big fat sandwiches of tiger loaf and bacon, Brie and cranberry and a flask o builder's tea. Aaaaaah. Bliss.

ma? I'm like a Labrador waiting for a bit of liver cake. I can and will wait for A Very Long Time. Watch you don't slip on the drool.

ma it's over ? You mean there WAS something?