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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Ex OW will not go away

99 replies

GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:01

To cut a long story short, OH had an affair with an older lady who worked for him, citing stress of running own business, new baby and buying a house making him mix up his feelings. Anyway affair ended in May this year (definitely did end then) but OW will not leave him alone. He has blocked her on every email, whatsapp , phone etc, which infuriated her.She has been turning up at his office and one time faked collapsing and got taken away in an ambulance. She has been bombarding him with calls and texts (they have gone into a blocked folder in his phone), texting him every five mins for days on end, like 'I miss you', 'I will wait for you forever', 'I will love you forever' and words to that effect. A lot of them are sent late at night when she has been drinking but more recently they are in the day/late afternoon. The affair ended over five months ago but she just will not leave it. He said for him it was just sex but she got a bit obsessed and thought that he was going to leave me for her and they would live happily ever after. She also admitted trying to get pregnant on order to secure him. I have seen every text ever sent to each other and she was and is clearly obsessed and their relationship was rather one sided.

We have been over and over everything and I have taken him back and we are working things through. Her persistence is putting a strain on things for me. I am also slightly concerned as when they were having the affair, she had urged him to take our the 6 month old baby, saying she wanted them to be a family with her and that she wanted to have my daughter (despite having never met her). She also joked about hiring a hit man to 'get rid of me' over texts (at least i hope they were a joke!). She has also turned up at our house.

I don't know whether she is a bunny boiler type, although certainly seems that way and is clearly obsessed and delusional, and i think money is a motivator for her. I just want some advice on what i can do to stop this or even just some advice to help me deal with it. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
Tiptops · 11/10/2014 23:04

A bunny boiler Hmm

Your other half needs to change his number completely so that no contact is getting through.

ThisIsSylviaDaisyPouncer · 11/10/2014 23:04

Op I have no direct experience but you need to report her to the police - I'd start with 101. There is a chapter in the Gavin de Becker book the gift of fear about stalkers. I would read that (you can get it on a kindle). The references to your children would really concern me... I expect she is harmless, if obsessed, but I would get it referred to professionals, personally.

LaurieFairyCake · 11/10/2014 23:08

Change his number seems obvious. Report to police for harassment or threats.

The fact he hasn't changed his number or reported it to police suggests he's enjoying the attention a bit - I also don't like the words 'bunny boiler' - you have no idea what promises your faithless, worthless scumbag of a husband made to her.

Be really careful to focus the blame on the person who was married rather than the single person who he probably made promises to, to get her into bed.

Your focus should be him and his twattish ness.

Daria01 · 11/10/2014 23:09

Definitely ring 101 and get the police to go round to her house to warn her to leave your H alone. If she continues, you may well have to take out some kind of order (harassment/restraining etc.) against her.

Ziggyzoom · 11/10/2014 23:10

I would contact the police too. They can give her a harassment warning in the first instance and hopefully that should give her the message. I too would be very uncomfortable about her bringing your children into the situation.

Good luck with rebuilding things with your DH and I hope he steps forward and speaks to the police as he created this mess.

Original poster
GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:14

I have considered reporting her but it is not me who is being stalked. She did send me some horrible emails after he ended it back at end of May but nothing since then. Also if OH changed his number she would still be able to track him down as his company's address and phone no is in the public domain. He says she is harmless and is doing it because she has nothing better to do all day since she now has no job

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 11/10/2014 23:15

His private mobile number wouldn't be online though would it. He can turn his work phone off?

Original poster
GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:18

Thanks LaurieFairyCake, I am well aware of the promises he made to her as I have seen all the texts and emails. He has accepted blame. However, I can also see that she bribed him and also demanded a huge sum of money at one point (not given to her though). I totally agree he created this mess but now it seems out of our control and this woman will not rest until we are split up!

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:21

She was phoning the main switchboard and demanding to speak to him. If he changed his number she could also easily get his new number from someone else as she knows people from his business since she used to work for them. She also knows our address and has turned up at our house so there is no escape from her until she decides to give up. And in her words that will be 'never'

OP posts:
Ziggyzoom · 11/10/2014 23:21

Tell him to report her. It is making you uncomfortable. In the circumstances it is the least he should do. Any procrastination or refusal would be a deal breaker for me.

BerylStreep · 11/10/2014 23:22

She is making threats against you and your child, and turning up at your home. You are being harassed, even though the calls and texts are directed at him.

I am a bit Hmm that he isn't being more robust about this.

I also cannot fathom why you agreed to take him back. He was having an affair when you were pregnant with his DD and when she had just been born. I suppose that is beside the point though.

Original poster
GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:22

Thanks ziggyzoom, think I will do that .

OP posts:
Ziggyzoom · 11/10/2014 23:23

If she is turning up at your house then she is harassing you. However, I still think your DH should be the one to go to the police.

heyday · 11/10/2014 23:24

Well if he genuinely serious about getting this woman totally out of his life then he now has to prove it by going to the police and let them visit her and give her some sort of caution.
Hopefully in time things will settle down but she must be putting so much strain on your already fragile relationship.
I really hope things resolve itself quickly.

CheersMedea · 11/10/2014 23:25

Firstly, a word of warning, I'd be a bit careful about assuming that what you are being told about the "stalking" is true. It's easy to make someone appear they are a stalker if you are still interacting with them - delete the texts you send them in between their keen ones; only show selective emails/texts; omit to say the reason they turned up at work is because they were returning the briefcase you left at their house in the heat of passion etc

It could be that he likes the attention and is encouraging it; or using the stalker excuse to disguise the fact he's trying to keep his options open with her.

Assuming that what you are being told is true, then:

  1. he needs to send her a short email stating that anything between them is completely over, her continued contact is unwarranted and he is finding it harassing and asking her to not contact him again whether by phone, email, turning up at work [insert anything else she's done].
  2. She will probably reply with [xyz] reasons. She gets one go to do that.
  3. He should repeat no.1 above and say that from now on he will not respond and if she persists he will report her for harassment.
  1. if she persists, report her to the police for harassment. They will probably serve a harassment warning on her.

you could also instruct solicitors to get a court order to keep her away but that will cost money and is probably unnecessary.

Original poster
GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:25

I know, we have been through it over and over and the last 6 months have been hell. The affair started when our dad was two weeks old and she came onto him (seen EVERY email) but he has accepted fault and is making an effort and is back on my terms. We have talked the death out of it and I have decided to take him back so that is that!

OP posts:
AlleyCat11 · 11/10/2014 23:27

Do you both totally ignore her or does your husband respond, tell her to stop? I think total silence is the best course. She'll soon desist if there's no reaction. I would hope...

YonicScrewdriver · 11/10/2014 23:28

Why hasn't he gone to the police? She is doing damage to herself with this behaviour, as well as to you, she's not harmless.

Did she resign when they split?

ChasedByBees · 11/10/2014 23:28

She will have to stop if she is legally bound to leave you both alone. Go to the police. The comments about your children would worry me.

Original poster
GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:31

Thanks cheeramadear but he has already done that - I have seen his emails and her replies. Also with the texts they were unread and in a blocked folder on his phone and it was clear he had not replied as she was referring to the fact that he does not reply and that she has been blocked. I don't think he likes the attention as he has said he feels harassed and doesn't have the time to deal with it during the day trying to run two businesses.

OP posts:
Ziggyzoom · 11/10/2014 23:32

You have the right to try to save your relationship. But, to have any hope of succeeding, he needs to draw a very clear line under this mess and show that he is putting his family first.

CheersMedea gives you an excellent plan of action and your DH should leap at the chance to do this for his family and put an end to this sorry mess.

For clarity, a Harassment Warning is just a that. It does not mean that she will have a criminal record, it just means that if she carries on, she cannot use the excuse that she didn't realise her behaviour was causing you and your family harassment.

CurlyWurlyCake · 11/10/2014 23:33

He needs to make you feel safe and comfortable and should be dealing with this ideally by speaking to 101.

Are you/is he keeping a diary of the incidents?

Original poster
GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:34

She resigned then came back demanding her job back so she could be dismissed in order to claim benefits (apparently couldn't claim if she resigned), then demanded £10,000!!! She didn't have a leg to stand on as she had lied about her age (took 5 years off) and also had no employment contract.

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:36

I have a record of it and screenshots of all the stuff she said about taking my daughter and also about her using cocaine. Also have the emails she sent to me saying nasty stuff about me and my daughter. Despite not knowing either of us.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 11/10/2014 23:38

I'm a bit confused about your last.

What does it matter how old she is?

She definitely had an employment contract as the terms are implied after a few weeks of working.

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