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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex OW will not go away

99 replies

GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:01

To cut a long story short, OH had an affair with an older lady who worked for him, citing stress of running own business, new baby and buying a house making him mix up his feelings. Anyway affair ended in May this year (definitely did end then) but OW will not leave him alone. He has blocked her on every email, whatsapp , phone etc, which infuriated her.She has been turning up at his office and one time faked collapsing and got taken away in an ambulance. She has been bombarding him with calls and texts (they have gone into a blocked folder in his phone), texting him every five mins for days on end, like 'I miss you', 'I will wait for you forever', 'I will love you forever' and words to that effect. A lot of them are sent late at night when she has been drinking but more recently they are in the day/late afternoon. The affair ended over five months ago but she just will not leave it. He said for him it was just sex but she got a bit obsessed and thought that he was going to leave me for her and they would live happily ever after. She also admitted trying to get pregnant on order to secure him. I have seen every text ever sent to each other and she was and is clearly obsessed and their relationship was rather one sided.

We have been over and over everything and I have taken him back and we are working things through. Her persistence is putting a strain on things for me. I am also slightly concerned as when they were having the affair, she had urged him to take our the 6 month old baby, saying she wanted them to be a family with her and that she wanted to have my daughter (despite having never met her). She also joked about hiring a hit man to 'get rid of me' over texts (at least i hope they were a joke!). She has also turned up at our house.

I don't know whether she is a bunny boiler type, although certainly seems that way and is clearly obsessed and delusional, and i think money is a motivator for her. I just want some advice on what i can do to stop this or even just some advice to help me deal with it. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

Original poster

GirlZippy123 · 12/10/2014 12:45

You know what, I hate this drama, that is why I want it to stop. I have no fancy pants life style thank you very much, I am a working mum and am more than capable of being on my own, I did it for weeks/ months when I chucked him out. I posted looking for advice and instead am being judged myself for doing nothing wrong and simply giving the man I love a second chance and offering forgiveness. It seems regardless of the facts the words cheating man lead to a lynch mob on mumsnet. Never again will I post on here.

OP posts:

magoria · 12/10/2014 14:18

So all these holidays and fraudant activity on company cards? There is police involvement for theft right?

AcrossthePond55 · 12/10/2014 14:29

Girl, I'm not judging you. I gave my EA husband a second chance and we've now been married over 25 years. That's also something that would probably have brought MN down around my ears It's your choice.

But I acknowledged that his behaviour was EA and I demanded that he not only change but that he make it up to me by having to go beyond normal behaviour until I felt safe. You seem to have tucked his affair away without demanding he go to extra lengths to prove to you that you are number one. You can't blame OW 100%, it's at least 50/50. Yes, she's behaving like a lunatic, but your DH isn't doing anything about it!

passmethewineplease · 12/10/2014 14:41

He needs to be doing more.

Reporting her himself.

Sounds like he's just making excuses and is probably loving the attention/drama.

I can't believe how anyone could take someone back that was betraying them so badly when their baby was weeks old. It is beggars belief. I personally believe you could do a lot better OP.

kirsten123 · 12/10/2014 15:21

Girl, you probably will post again.

Next time your OH thinks with his cock instead of his brain.

Muckymoo71 · 12/10/2014 15:33

I read this and thought immediately 5 months on if it was no replies from ur hub, I would have given up and any other normal woman, accepted it and moved on.Is it possible that they have had contact? I think people on here are just trying to ask you to make sure you are getting the facts not saying ltb. You have your hands full but you sound strong why don't you face up to her over a coffee and tell her to fo.

upnotdown · 12/10/2014 15:54

For what it's worth, this happened to me too. I got so fed up of the emails to him where she'd cc me in, he blocked her number so she started calling the land-line and getting her friends to call, pretending they were someone else so he didn't immediately put the phone down, sat outside our home in her car before getting out and having a walk around etc etc. Eventually, after I'd had enough (he wasn't even living back at the house with us yet, he'd just gone no contact with her), I let her boss know how she was acting (she works in a job with vulnerable adults). I then got a solicitors letter demanding an apology. She didn't get it. This dragged on for six months or so with lots of demands from her solicitor. She eventually gave up. In total, she was in our lives like this for about 12 months after it all came out. I had reported her to the police and they did nothing - said because there were no actual threats, she was just smarting and would go away but they would log it. Didn't pay her a visit or do anything really.

For those who have partners who (they trust) haven't cheated on them, there are some people out there who act in this stalker-ish way when an affair ends and it's scary and intimidating. It's unacceptable to act in this way and infringe on someone's family REGARDLESS of the 'cheating scum' being to blame in the first place. Snotty remarks are not in any way helpful. This is Mumsnet, isn't it? Not OtherWomansNet? Where is the support?

MorrisZapp · 12/10/2014 15:57

Everybody agrees that the stalker like behaviour is wrong. But they don't think OP should be left to deal with it. Her cheating DP should be doing that, but he isn't.

Itsfab · 12/10/2014 16:00

No one has an issue with you choosing to stay with your cheating husband. The issue is you are attacking the wrong person and excusing the wrong person while appearing to bury your head in the sand.

What are the consequences he has had to deal with for fucking another woman when your baby was days old?

Viviennemary · 12/10/2014 16:02

Well he has a right not to be stalked but if it shows no sign of stopping then he will have to report it to the police. There doesn't seem to be any other way. But if he has told lots of lies and made false promises to this person it's not surprising she's bitter now she's been dumped.

BitchPeas · 12/10/2014 16:08

He started an affair when your DD was 2 weeks old.

Then carried on fucking her after she threatend to have you killed and take your baby away from you.

That is vile.

Report her to the police for harassment and kick him out. You are worth more than that.

Fairenuff · 12/10/2014 16:20

he is embarrassed about going to the police and doesn't really have the time to be going to police station or having them come to his office

Oh, OP how insulting this is towards you. I am for you.

He doesn't have the time? He should be making the time, getting this woman out of your life should be his absolute top priority.

And shagging her whilst you were still sore from childbirth and trying to nuture your new baby. Ugh, he turns my stomach. I'm with those who can't understand why you would want a man who treated you with such disdain.

upnotdown · 12/10/2014 16:31

Has OP said that her DP actually said that he doesn't have time? I thought that was just her own thoughts.

It's a horrible thing to have to do, you know. Not just talking about for her DH, but for OP. Because the way some of you are sneering (Kirsten123, I think your comment is despicable), is the way some people treat you in RL too. Not nice at all.

OP hasn't asked for your opinions on her past decision (which she made 5 months ago), she's asked for support/advice in how to deal with what the OW is doing now, in the present.

Sorry OP, I wouldn't come back either.

fedupbutfine · 12/10/2014 16:35

aside from everything else, why are you (seemingly) proud to be with a man who doesn't issue employment contracts to the people he works for? What does that tell you about him and his morals? is that the kind of person you want to be with?

scallopsrgreat · 12/10/2014 16:36

No one is judging you GirlZippy. They are judging, rightly so, your OH.

He's not telling you the complete truth, that much is clear and the way he has treated you (and her to some extent) is appalling. That is where your anger should be.

He really is not worth it.

Run, run away.

Jacksonville14 · 12/10/2014 16:47

all employees have a contract if they are working - even if nothing is written down, they are still covered legally.

But yep - direct your anger at him not her. And he won't report her as he prob enjoys keeping her on the back burner and having 2 women vie for his attention.

CheersMedea · 12/10/2014 17:14

I posted looking for advice and instead am being judged myself for doing nothing wrong and simply giving the man I love a second chance and offering forgiveness. It seems regardless of the facts the words cheating man lead to a lynch mob on mumsnet. Never again will I post on here.

Hey! I gave you advice and no lynch mob here. That's a bit unfair. You've had some good advice here I thought from others.

I've distilled four main points from the advice:

This needs to be reported to the police/legal action taken asap.
Your husband should do it - and any excuses like busy/embarrassed etc are not acceptable.
Be careful as to whether you are getting the whole side of the story.
He should have offered openness with phone/email after the affair.

BerylStreep · 14/10/2014 08:49

OP - it's a shame you have found your first experience of MN not to your liking.

TheGirlFromIpanema · 14/10/2014 09:02

You are most definitely being spun a web of lies by your 'D'H Girl

All that illegal spending on company credit cards and he took no action whatsoever. I would be very about what he has told you and what you have read on his phone. You clearly do not have anything like the full picture.

Get you dd and leave this sorry asshat of a man far far behind.

It will most certainly improve your life.

GaryShitpeas · 14/10/2014 09:16

Op sorry you feel like that

What posters have said might sound harsh but I'd guarantee we are all on your side and most of us think you can do better than this scumbag. I know I do! You sound clever and a lovely mum and person, please please think about you and your dd you CAN have a better life without this excuse for a husband and father

Hope you keep posting x

DayLillie · 14/10/2014 12:26

Your OH does seem to be behaving weakly, in the way he started the affair after she came on to him, the using of credit cards by the OW, and dealing with the aftermath.

It must be really hard to try and mend a relationship where this has happened, and especially so as he does not seem to be able to act decisively to bring the matter to a close.

Make sure he knows what he needs to do in terms of how to reply to her messages, then go to the police. He needs to see a solicitor about the employment issues - I am not sure that she would win unfair dismissal because there has been so much muddying of evidence with the affair, credit cards and stalking, but he should know properly where he stands.

I would go and see the police in my own right, about the stalking and threats that involve you and your child.

Otherwise, he has to get this mess sorted because you cannot do it for him. He is either burying his head in the sand and hoping it will all go away (letting the women round him do the fighting whilst he keeps out of it), or he does not want to do anything about it out of apathy, or as others say, not having told the whole story. He does need to do it though, for your relationship to work.

IrianofWay · 14/10/2014 12:37

"OP hasn't asked for your opinions on her past decision (which she made 5 months ago), she's asked for support/advice in how to deal with what the OW is doing now, in the present."

Exactly. We all have our own opinions about affairs and whether to reconcile or not but that isn't the issue.

I do agree that your partner needs to deal more strongly with this.

Isetan · 17/10/2014 16:05

Considering he invited this woman into your marriage, why have you accepted his lame arse excuses and general all round reluctance to protect you and his child? It just seems really odd that you haven't issued an ultimatums with regards to going to the Police.

I get the worrying impression that you 'working things out' with your H, in reality, is him expecting you to accept his past behaviour, minimising the present repercussions of his bad behaviour and "getting over it". What has he actually done to make you think that he cares or understands the damage his appalling behaviour has done to you?

Jan45 · 17/10/2014 16:20

OMG, he shits on you and your relationship, fills you full of lies because believe me you are not hearing the full story. Btw, it was just sex to him is really a sorry indication of what a horrible person he is, he basically used the woman for sex, nice, and nice that he thought it was ok to shag about behind your back.

This is HIS problem that HE should have sorted out ages ago, not left it for you to pick up and fix for him - good luck, you seem to swallow whatever line he throws your way without question - I feel sorry for the poor woman, sounds like she was lead to believe a lot more than what he is revealing to you.

Good luck, but tell him he cleans up his own shit and you keep your hands clean of it.

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