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Original poster

Ex OW will not go away

99 replies

GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:01

To cut a long story short, OH had an affair with an older lady who worked for him, citing stress of running own business, new baby and buying a house making him mix up his feelings. Anyway affair ended in May this year (definitely did end then) but OW will not leave him alone. He has blocked her on every email, whatsapp , phone etc, which infuriated her.She has been turning up at his office and one time faked collapsing and got taken away in an ambulance. She has been bombarding him with calls and texts (they have gone into a blocked folder in his phone), texting him every five mins for days on end, like 'I miss you', 'I will wait for you forever', 'I will love you forever' and words to that effect. A lot of them are sent late at night when she has been drinking but more recently they are in the day/late afternoon. The affair ended over five months ago but she just will not leave it. He said for him it was just sex but she got a bit obsessed and thought that he was going to leave me for her and they would live happily ever after. She also admitted trying to get pregnant on order to secure him. I have seen every text ever sent to each other and she was and is clearly obsessed and their relationship was rather one sided.

We have been over and over everything and I have taken him back and we are working things through. Her persistence is putting a strain on things for me. I am also slightly concerned as when they were having the affair, she had urged him to take our the 6 month old baby, saying she wanted them to be a family with her and that she wanted to have my daughter (despite having never met her). She also joked about hiring a hit man to 'get rid of me' over texts (at least i hope they were a joke!). She has also turned up at our house.

I don't know whether she is a bunny boiler type, although certainly seems that way and is clearly obsessed and delusional, and i think money is a motivator for her. I just want some advice on what i can do to stop this or even just some advice to help me deal with it. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 11/10/2014 23:41

Look, I don't think she's a nice person.

But she has lost a lot, a man she thought she had a future with, her job and also possibly the ability to claim benefits ( it's correct that she couldn't if she resigned)

An employment contract doesn't have to be written down to be a contract - if she habitually and regularly came to work and was paid, a contract may be deemed to have existed.

Lying about age is unlikely to be gross misconduct and it's unclear where that would be documented anyway.

Please do speak to the police on 101.

CheersMedea · 11/10/2014 23:42

Thanks cheeramadear but he has already done that - I have seen his emails and her replies

OK - then he needs to report her to the police for harassment.
Sounds like you can do anyway in your own name - if she's been emailing you and turning up at your house, she's harassing you too - although how interested they will be if she's stopped contacting you directly is anyone's guess. Probably depends how long ago her last contact with you personally was.

I'd say to OH that you've had enough, you feel harassed and intimidated. He's told her to stop so the time has come to report her to the police. If he's feeling benevolent, one more email to warn her if she contacts him again, then he will report her to the police. And that if he doesn't, you will complain about your own harassment.

The other option is to instruct a solicitor and get them to write to her prior to making an application for a court order.

oreosandmilkrule · 11/10/2014 23:42

You might have seen (some of) the texts and emails they exchanged. You have no idea what was said face to face ie over the phone, nor what may still be being said.

It suits your husband to paint her as the pursuer, and a bunny boiler. Ime, it's the men who do most of the running, then lie to their wives to try and save their marriages.

If your husband has sent emails in precisely the terms Cheers states,and she hasn't stopped, he should have gone to the police. The only reason he hasn't is either because he actually enjoys all this fuss somehow. Or there's more to it than meets the eye.

When you say she worked for him and now has no job, do you mean she was his employee and he terminated her employment? He may be in danger of an unfair dismissal claim if so.

Original poster
GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:44

Also, her most recent text says that she knows he is committed to me and his family and that that she finds that admirable and makes her love him more!

OP posts:
Norest · 11/10/2014 23:46

Giving your husband the benefit of the doubt, is it possible he is embarrassed to go to the police over this?

I can't think of any other reason why he hasn't given her a warning to stop or he will report her, that isn't related to him wanting the attention in some way.

YonicScrewdriver · 11/10/2014 23:47

OP, why block the texts if you are going to read them anyway?

oreosandmilkrule · 11/10/2014 23:52

Lying about your age is not grounds for dismissal.

As has been said she'd have an implied contract. And depending on the terms of her leaving, she could allege constructive dismissal. I'd be surprised if she just left without another job to go to...i wonder whether she was told if she went quietly he'd see her right financially? Seems unlikely a so called bunny boiler would voluntarily leave a job where she could see him every day...

Original poster
GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:53

She was his employee. She had access to business credit cards and had spent on them and took herself off on two holidays after they broke up so there is case there for gross misconduct. Also there are emails with her apologising for coming onto him. I have no idea what is said on the phone but I think it is very obvious judging by the texts she is sending and also that if anything was going on she would be letting me know to rub my face in it. I agree she has lost a lot and was duped and I did feel sorry for Her until she said stuff about my daughter and until i saw the texts about her planning on taking my daughter. Also we are five months on now. How long is it going to take for her to get over it?

OP posts:
Original poster
GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:55

he has blocked the texts but they still show in archived messages so you can see them. It is me who is reading them!

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 11/10/2014 23:55

She hasn't started getting over it, though.

Original poster
GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:56

The point is not really about her resigning or being dismissed. The point is about her constant texting and phoning

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 11/10/2014 23:56

Ok, so when he says she's harmless, he's not aware of the torrent of texts?

oreosandmilkrule · 11/10/2014 23:58

You really don't know what's going on. For all you know he may be telling her to send texts. Or he might even be sending them himself (if he's got hold of her phone/given her a new one).

The one thing you do know is he's not been to the police, and as I said that's either because he somehow enjoys it. Or there's more to it than he's telling you. I'd insist he calls the police. And be there when he makes the call.

Ziggyzoom · 12/10/2014 00:01

I think the point is that his account of what has happened regarding her job didn't really make sense, which raises further suspicions about whether he is telling you the whole story.

I don't want you to feel like you are getting a hard time OP, it takes a lot of strength to do what you are doing. But I think you need to ask a few more awkward questions.

gamerchick · 12/10/2014 00:03

If some lass my husband had been fucking behind my back said she wanted to get me bumped off I would ring the police.

I would ignore the other shit believe me.

Ring the police and let hem deal with it. The rest is just gravy for the drama.

Original poster
GirlZippy123 · 12/10/2014 00:18

I have seen every email honestly. It is complicated with his business as he is the owner but put others as directors etc I know the ins and outs, it's just that it is too complicated to try to explain. Also I think he is embarrassed about going to the police and doesn't really have the time to be going to police station or having them come to his office. Also I think she wants to get a reaction out of him, and this would do just that. But I think it may be the only way to make her stop. She might need help herself - she has an 8 year old son and is out in the afternoons getting drunk. Surely that is not good?

OP posts:
CheersMedea · 12/10/2014 00:28

Also I think he is embarrassed about going to the police and doesn't really have the time to be going to police station or having them come to his office

Fine. Then report her yourself. She's harassing you too by the sounds of it.

oreosandmilkrule · 12/10/2014 00:30

Sorry, him not having time or being embarrassed is bs. He either enjoys it, or there's more to it than he's telling you. I know it's probably easier to think you know every detail but the reality is that any man caught having an affair covers their arse to some extent.

How do you know she's drinking in the afternoon? Or do her texts say she's on her 3rd bottle of wine or whatever?! What's in those texts may be being engineered for you to see. Even if it's not, it may not be true. Or if it is, her don may be with his father ir other family. I think rather than thinking about what a terrible person she is, you should be looking more closely at your husband. And insisting he finds time in his busy day to involve the police.

cruikshank · 12/10/2014 00:36

Your husband sounds like a piece of work - he's treated both of you like shit. Tbh my beef would be with him rather than her. Does he have many employees who don't have written contracts (no such thing as no contract btw - in her case it just wasn't written which incidentally is not legal) that he fucks and then effectively constructively dismisses while all the time his wife is pregnant and raising his baby? Because if so he won't be 'too busy' with his work for very much longer when he finds his time taken up with tribunal cases. He needs to sort this out, but by the sounds of it he's not very good at sorting his shit out, is he?

Bogeyface · 12/10/2014 00:40

I feel quite sorry for her tbh.

He will have said whatever she wanted to hear in order to fuck her, sorry but thats what cheaters do and if that included making plans for when he left you then I am sure he would have had that conversation safe in the knowledge there was a blow job at the end of it. And then he dumped her in order to save his marriage with you, no wonder she is angry.

MN knows that I am no OW apologist (I got a warning from the police after my revenge on the OW!) but I cant help thinking that she is angry that she was used and taken in by a liar just as much as you were. You seem to be focussing on her making the running, why? If he was truly committed to you then she could have danced naked in front of him with a cucumber up her arse and he would have said no. He didnt. She didnt make him cheat, he did. He lied to you and he lied to her so in her head why should he just walk back into his marriage as if what they did had never existed? Why should she be the only one hurting? And she has a point....

That said, I do think reporting her via 101 so they have a quiet word and tell her to pack it in would be good for both of you. She will realise that she has overstepped the mark and will hopefully start to move on and you get to breathe easy. Hopefully that will be all it takes.

Bogeyface · 12/10/2014 00:42

Oh and I wonder if the £10k demand was so she wouldnt take him to a tribunal for constructive dismissal which she had every right to do under the circumstances. I very much doubt she would have lost that court case.

Think very carefully about why you are fighting to keep this "prize".

Waltermittythesequel · 12/10/2014 00:47

Aw your poor ickle husband, getting caught unsuspectingly in her evil clutches.

Except; she was his employee who he never bothered giving an employment contract to (not that it makes a difference), who he shagged and who has now lost everything.

Your husband is a piece of shit.

Bogeyface · 12/10/2014 01:19

Re reading, I am disgusted at your implication that she is "money motivated"!

You clearly dont want to lose that, why should she?! She got fucked and then fucked over by the boss leaving her with no other option than to resign, and yet you judge her for demanding money? She has lost everything by being stupid enough to fall for his lies (the same lies you fell for) but you still blame her for all of this.

Forget looking at her, look at him and then look at yourself. You are worth more than this, and so is she.

AcrossthePond55 · 12/10/2014 01:33

It's your decision to take back a cheating husband. I'd never do it, but whatever.

Here's the thing: if he is truly eager to make it up to you and show that he is committed to your marriage, he will do anything it takes to prove that to you. If you tell him you are frightened and feel harassed, he should be running to the police about her because it will make YOU feel more secure. He wouldn't care if it was 'embarrassing' to a bunch of cops. Why should he care about what they think? It's what YOU think that's important.

If he isn't wanting to 'rock OW's boat' he should at least tell you why. Is he afraid of being sued & the resulting publicity? Afraid she will reveal damaging information to his business peers or clients?

At the very least, I think he's being less than truthful to you. Exactly why, I don't know. But you DO deserve to know!

getthefeckouttahere · 12/10/2014 02:16

Its not acceptable to claim embarrassment, police will come, record it and issue an harassment warning to her. They don't care, they've heard this story and much worse situation a million times before, (trust me i know i issued loads of em)
If she continues they will come take a statement and the evidence then arrest her. Again they won't care what the cause is. They won't turn up sniggering and phnarring about it. Your situation is pretty common.
It is the only way to deal with this. Whilst it is HIGHLY unlikely that she would progress beyond idle threats/harassment, only a tiny percentage of people do, the difficulty come in that it is almost impossible to identify which ones will do so.

I'd be giving hubby an ultimatum, refusal on his part would be the end.