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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex OW will not go away

99 replies

GirlZippy123 · 11/10/2014 23:01

To cut a long story short, OH had an affair with an older lady who worked for him, citing stress of running own business, new baby and buying a house making him mix up his feelings. Anyway affair ended in May this year (definitely did end then) but OW will not leave him alone. He has blocked her on every email, whatsapp , phone etc, which infuriated her.She has been turning up at his office and one time faked collapsing and got taken away in an ambulance. She has been bombarding him with calls and texts (they have gone into a blocked folder in his phone), texting him every five mins for days on end, like 'I miss you', 'I will wait for you forever', 'I will love you forever' and words to that effect. A lot of them are sent late at night when she has been drinking but more recently they are in the day/late afternoon. The affair ended over five months ago but she just will not leave it. He said for him it was just sex but she got a bit obsessed and thought that he was going to leave me for her and they would live happily ever after. She also admitted trying to get pregnant on order to secure him. I have seen every text ever sent to each other and she was and is clearly obsessed and their relationship was rather one sided.

We have been over and over everything and I have taken him back and we are working things through. Her persistence is putting a strain on things for me. I am also slightly concerned as when they were having the affair, she had urged him to take our the 6 month old baby, saying she wanted them to be a family with her and that she wanted to have my daughter (despite having never met her). She also joked about hiring a hit man to 'get rid of me' over texts (at least i hope they were a joke!). She has also turned up at our house.

I don't know whether she is a bunny boiler type, although certainly seems that way and is clearly obsessed and delusional, and i think money is a motivator for her. I just want some advice on what i can do to stop this or even just some advice to help me deal with it. Has anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

MistressDeeCee · 12/10/2014 03:50

OP, your DH is allowing this distressing situation to disrupt your peace of mind, and your marriage. It really would be wise to be brutally honest to yourself as to the reasons why he is scared to upset her feelings, whilst knowing your are extremely upset. Is he really prepared to let this situation be ongoing, without showing her that he is serious about keeping away from him? If so, thats a massive red flag. Perhaps Its ultimatum time - say what you mean and mean what you say, because sadly I have a mind that your DH is enjoying the anxiety the woman he brought in between the 2 of you is causing. If he truly cared, he would never allow this situation to go on. I hope he can sort this out now, because you will never grow closer if you don't. Good luck

Isetan · 12/10/2014 06:10

Affairs are the gifts that keep on giving. Your not so dear H thinks that now that his stopped sleeping with this woman he can pretend that it never happened. His reluctance at going to the Police speaks volumes, it's still all about him ain't it, don't fall for the 'it's nothing' bullshit. The possibility of his appalling behaviour being out in the open seems to be of greater concern to him then you and his daughters safety.

FFS, this woman has threatened your child, why on earth have you not told your prize of a H that he either goes to the Police or he leaves.

WildBillfemale · 12/10/2014 08:49

*I feel quite sorry for her tbh.

He will have said whatever she wanted to hear in order to fuck her, sorry but thats what cheaters do and if that included making plans for when he left you then I am sure he would have had that conversation safe in the knowledge there was a blow job at the end of it. And then he dumped her in order to save his marriage with you, no wonder she is angry.*

Agree with this all you are experiencing is the horrible shitty aftermath of an affair, she's not blameless but humans have emotions and your husband can't expect hers to switch off like a light switch the second he decided to 'end' the affair.
Her whole life has turned upside down with the end of what she believed to be a future with your H, the loss of her job etc. Yours has too but you are now having to deal with not only repairing your marriage but the now psycho OW.
Her behaviour is far from acceptable and she sounds emotionally wobbly at best but your husband has not ended this suffficiently to move on. You need to get HIM to visit the police, who gives an eff if he's embarrassed, he bought it on. He needs to inform the switchboard at work he has a stalker and they should not connect this woman.
The police have heard it all before but please the blame for this lies firmly at your husbands feet, HE needs to deal with it.

Suckitup · 12/10/2014 09:07

Yes I feel for this woman too. Imagine the anger and pain she is feeling after the way your oh treated her. As for whether or not she is a 'bunny boiler' who knows what she could do in the depths of despair? (Mind you, I always felt Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction had a point.)

Your husband brought this mess to your door and he must sort it out.

I am sure you don't want us to judge your decision to take him back, but honestly, how you could look at him let alone sleep with him, I do not know. However if you think it can work out, good luck to you.

ChasedByBees · 12/10/2014 09:08

If some lass my husband had been fucking behind my back said she wanted to get me bumped off I would ring the police.

^ this

ChasedByBees · 12/10/2014 09:09

Also, we're they 'together' when she sent that? What did he do or say to protect / defend you?

MorrisZapp · 12/10/2014 09:14

It's him. He is your problem. He isn't being honest with you (or anybody, by the sounds of it) and he doesn't care enough about you to protect you from somebody who threatened to have you murdered, and to steal your baby.

It. Is. HIM.

faithfaithfaith · 12/10/2014 09:50

I feel for her too - no one wants to be in her shoes even if she shares the blame.
To prove harassment there has to be alarm and distress. Your comment that your DH thinks she is harmless means it would be hard to claim he feels harassed. There is nothing to stop you contacting the police about the actions she has taken that have affected you ie turning up at your house but you reading her texts to him is your choice.
I know every wife wants to hate the OW and for her to be evil but having been on both sides of this the reality is very different.
Judge his actions (or lack of them) not hers.
He should make it finally clear to her and then stop reading her texts.. blocking means just that so am not sure why they are blocked and yet you want to read the content..
If she turns up in person react to that.
Having told her and blocked her get on with your relationship unless something directly happens. How long until she is over it? You know there's no answer to that and it all depends on how its ended or not...

papercliplover · 12/10/2014 10:13

As I said on your other thread.

Slap it up him. He never should have played away.

for the record. He should have given her a contract of employment too.

He's a cunt, I'll guarantee he hasn't told you everything. Hiring a hitman. Fuckksake does he think in down in da hood?

Wanker.

Only1scoop · 12/10/2014 10:17

As on today's other thread....what was his reaction the hit man 'jokes' how did you find out this? Sick

Did he end affair because you found out....up to him to deal with and quick....

He's a disgusting creature by the way who obviously took her for a right ride whilst enjoying the 'ride'.

Vile

BerylStreep · 12/10/2014 10:29

When you refer to him as OH, I take it you are not married? How long have you been together?

You say that he started the affair when your DD was 2 weeks old, and it ended in May. How long did the affair last?

I'm with other posters - your OH has behaved despicably to both you and OW. I'm not sure why you want to hold on to the 'prize'.

Part of me hopes she brings him to an IT.

simontowers2 · 12/10/2014 10:35

Your husband shags another woman and then just tosses her aside when you two decide to make a go of things again. Tbh, you and him both sound as bad. Poor woman has been left without a job and a man who she thought loved her. You cant treat people like objects you can just dis-regard when you decide to play happy families again. You both ought to be be ashamed of yourselves.

Nerf · 12/10/2014 11:02

But really what else should happen? At the end of an affair? If he carried on being nice and trying to make her feel okay that would be prolonging it. So I can't see an alternative to dumping her.

Original poster

GirlZippy123 · 12/10/2014 11:27

Thanks everyone. I will make him report her. Btw it is over, that is obvious. It is 5/6 months on now, she gets drunk and bombards him with texts and calls. That is what is going on. And the reason why I said money is an issue is because throughout the time he was shagging her she sent him messages asking for money time and time again and of course he gave money to her. She had numerous holidays (on her own and one with another man) with his money, spent on company credit cards, and demanded £10000 or she would 'make his life hell'. So what conclusions would you draw from that?
Thank you for your advice, I am aware of how badly everyone has been treated and I could dwell on that and live a life of resentment but am trying to move on from that, hence this post

OP posts:

Only1scoop · 12/10/2014 11:31

The conclusion I would make from all that is your OH is a complete and utter arse hole.

Not up to you to 'make him go to police' had he no respect for you?

How did you find out about 'hit man' sick 'jokes'???

Waltermittythesequel · 12/10/2014 11:42

You're not moving on thought because your bastard of a husband is still allowing this to continue.

Maybe I don't get it, but I wouldn't find someone talking about killing me and hurting my dc funny.

ThisIsSylviaDaisyPouncer · 12/10/2014 11:59

Girl zippy, you're getting a hard time on this thread and I cannot for the life of me see why. It's categorically not your fault that your DH cheated, not your fault that this woman feels hard done by, and not your fault that she is reacting in this extreme way. It's also not your fault if your DH fails to take the situation seriously enough or report it to the police - you can influence him but not control him. As for Simon towers post saying you should be ashamed of yourself... Err, what? For being cheated on and then harassed?

As per previous advice I would report this and hold your head up high.

GaryShitpeas · 12/10/2014 12:04

Op I feel for you but I would hazard a guess that you're getting no where near the full story and have no idea what your scumbag of a H was telling her. I speak as someone who has been cheated on and been the ow

No doubt he was saying he was going to leave you for her, that your marriage was dead, that you didn't have sex etc and all the bull they always spout

While she is behaving very badly, it is probably through heartbreak and anger at being lied to. He is he real cunt in all this

GaryShitpeas · 12/10/2014 12:05

And saying he loved her and promising her the world etc

vodkanchocolate · 12/10/2014 12:07

Hi, im sorry I have no real advice but I shadow everything the others have posted. I actually think she could need a bit of help tbh she doesnt sound like shes coping very well, I cant imagine ever feeling the need to go to so much effort for contact has she has.

I have no sympathy for your husband at all in all honesty, I totally respect your decision to stand by him but he has played with fire and now has to face the consequences. I agree that contacting the police would be the only way forward for you as a couple, if he wont then I would be wondering if he is hiding something. Think everyone deserves a second chance and genuinely hope that you manage to sort things out, good luck x

Original poster

GirlZippy123 · 12/10/2014 12:08

I have been checking his phone unbeknown to him (guessed screen lock pattern). That's how I have seen everything. To the hit man jokes, there was no reply. There was no reply to ones about her taking my daughter but texts the next day apologising for bringing our baby into their 'fight'. Yes he treated her in an awful way too but I have seen emails where she apologised for coming on to him before their affair started. Again, unbeknown to him I have traced everything back. Yes the blame lies with him, he should have said no rather than jumping into a bed with another woman while I was up breastfeeding all night for weeks on end! Yes it is HIS fault. But really what kind of woman embarks on an affair with a man who has just had a baby? If it's relevant or not, her husband did the same to her, she told me that much.

I guess I just wondered whether her constant bombardment was normal but clearly we need to go to the police and will do.

OP posts:

Bogeyface · 12/10/2014 12:20

I wonder if the demand for money or she would "make his life hell" refers to a tribunal. If she took him to court for constructive dismissal then the affair would come out, the local paper would have a field day and it could negatively affect his business. Thats not even taking into account the fact that his other employees probably dont have contracts either.

You still seem determined to put the blame on her though and as long as you do that you will be missing the point. Focussing your hatred onto her lets him off the hook as he is neatly deflecting the blame.

I understand how hard it is, as I said I got a "quiet word" from Plod when I lost my head over OW, but you need to forget her. Contact the police and leave it at that, when she is not in your head space you will be able to focus on the real villain here. Yes she came on to him but thats doesnt mean he was entrapped and seduced by some femme fatale. He fucked another woman because he could, because he wanted to and to hell with you. Those are the facts you need to deal with.

Itsfab · 12/10/2014 12:27

You say you blame him but you don't really. You blame her. You are putting all your anger on her as you are too scared to properly have it out with him in case he leaves you for her and with no fancy pants life style.

It sounds too much like you like the drama of someone else wanting your husband as why else would you not have been at the police station within minutes of someone threatening to take your baby and harm you?

When you agree to stay with a cheater you have to agree to start afresh and move on otherwise it will always be there and take over your life. You either forgive or you don't.

Only1scoop · 12/10/2014 12:29

Hope your Dh has no locks on his phone anymore.

Hope he shared like an open book.

Doubt it somehow....

Yes how could she?....but worse how could He?....you mean nothing to her. You are his WIFE!!

Anyway HE needs to put a stop to this for respect for his FAMILY.

He should be instigating a stop to this scary behaviour....

Maybe he's worried something else will come out...

tribpot · 12/10/2014 12:35

I have been checking his phone unbeknown to him

Why is this unbeknown to him? After a grotesque breach of trust like starting an affair 2 weeks after you gave birth to his child, it would be entirely normal for you to have access to his phone, email, etc. This also would be the minimum he could do in order to start reassuring you.

His story of being too embarrassed to go the police is pathetic. The fact that he won't deal with the aftermath of his own shabby behaviour when it is clearly stressing you out would tell me where his priorities lie. Easy life for him, first and foremost.

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