Does your partner give you sufficient emotional support?

[StepDoor]

Does your partner give you sufficient emotional support?

Yes/No will suffice

Is anybody else really curious as to why the OP started this thread? Come back!!

No - and I am seriously wondering why I am still here in this marriage. My relate counsellor told me he did not meet my emotional needs. If I am honest I knew this very early on. We met at school - only 16 - so no emotional issues for first few years - but I noticed that I only ever went to my sisters and very close friends for emotional support. Me telling him what my emotional needs are - would require me to scream for days from the rooftops for him to notice. I am here for the children - I am happy to deny my needs until I get the children through a couple of more hurdles. But if I am honest I dont think that he actually has the capacity - difficult childhood - but he chooses to do nothing around self improvement.

Yes I think its why we are still together My ds is also like this and has lots of girl friends who look to him for support Funny.

Can I ask those who don't (and there seem to be many!) how can you have any real intimacy/closeness with someone who isn't supportive? Genuine q am not doubting your relationships I just can't imagine it

I feel really sad that there are so many people unable or unwilling to confide in their dp, especially about serious medical things, because they know that the response will be unsupportive. Surely that's the whole point of a relationship?

One of the things that made me realise that XH and I were not suited was the way he handled illness (making a joke about it), rather than showing concern) and the way he acted about me visiting people in hospital (how much the petrol/parking would cost, who would look after ds when I went to visit my dm etc). I don't think it was malicious, he was just a very practical person who was uncomfortable with emotions, so he dealt with it by just being very rational and sensible, but not knowing how to put me at ease.

Conversely dp wouldn't think twice about missing work and spending petrol money if I were in hospital or needed looking after. He will happily just give a hug and a massage if I'm stressed without needing to 'fix' me and often asks what's on my mind, if there's anything I want to talk about etc. it's so refreshing to have someone who actually cares, or at least is able to show that they care.

Noddy my ex wasn't supportive and it just seemed like a totally separate thing at the time. You don't need support all the time so it's basically like whenever things are going well the relationship is great but it falls apart a bit when you really need the support from someone. And you also lack the part where they're all "Yes! Go out and do that great thing you want to do! You'll be fantastic!" but if you don't know that someone can be like that, then you don't miss it, but it does wear you down over time especially if you're the kind of person who isn't that sure of yourself. Probably if you're a strong independent type anyway then you don't need that kind of cheerleading in the background? I don't know, I think it's nice anyway. Nice to know that someone has your back.

Bertie, I've been following from afar

As you described, I've always been the strong independent one, who didn't need or expect emotional or practical support. However, after having DS who had bad colic, silent reflux, multiple allergies etc I ended up spending almost a year with extreme sleep deprivation (LO was up every hour without fail at night). It was horrendous to say the least, and at this time when I needed emotional and practical support, sadly DP wasn't there for me. To be fair to him, he does work very very long hours, but still. He has apologised for his selfish behaviour but I still don't think he can ever really be there for me emotionally. It's almost like he can't read me. Part of this may be deliberate (and he can't be bothered) but I think genuinely on the most part, he can't read my emotions.

However, I just have to look at him and can tell what kind of a day he has had, and then I offer my support. Hence, I was wondering whether its a male/female thing.

There will be a noticeable male/female split because women in general are expected to be more empathetic and it's valued in female friendship groups etc, whereas men are not expected to show empathy within friendship groups (and in some ways it would be a faux pas if they did) and not so expected to in personal relationships either. So it ends up as a gender split because women get more practice and do it more automatically (talking in general, obviously individual men/women would vary) but it's a socialised one, not innate.

That said you can learn to read people and also, noticing is not the same thing as giving empathy - if you said "DH I need X from you at the moment" then there could be three reactions - unquestioningly supporting, which would indicate a high level of empathy and trust but just a low level of awareness in the first place of external signs. Less immediate/sceptical/curious but happy to help if/when he sees a reason for it would still show a level of empathy. Giving a token effort but not really trying would probably be that he wasn't particularly bothered. Outright refusal or an angry response would be emotionally abusive.

I would say DH isn't/wasn't in the past very good at reading me and I sometimes have to say "I'm upset, I need a hug" or whatever, although he's got better the longer we've been together and most of the time he notices now, sometimes he picks up on it before I do which is nice. Sometimes I still need to spell out what I need though.

Obviously the apology is a good thing but I suppose if he really has empathy for you then he would feel upset at the thought that you needed him and he wasn't there. So that would be the indicator I think, about whether he cares but is just too tired/shit at noticing, or whether it wasn't really important to him.

I'm also the strong independent type - had lots of curve balls thrown at me in life, long before DH entered the scene, so I've developed the skills to manage alone, and don't really gain much by someone offering gestures. I also tend to keep myself to myself which is my preference and have never felt the need to confide in anyone. I have absolute assurance that DH cares deeply but often it simply doesn't occur to me to seek support from him because I don't need it at all. We are both matter-of-fact people so we work pretty well together!

I don't believe it's purely learnt/taught. There's definitely some innate traits in there (women-more social etc).

You see very young children doing it who couldn't have any influence from society

No.none what so ever. No emotional support for dc either. And very little practical support. In fact I often feel completely alone. In fact I recently went for several sessions of counseling just so I would have someone who would listen to me and give a shit (although I had to pay her to give a shit obviously!)

Are you planning on leaving hops? I feel very alone in this relationship which is why I am. Hopefully soon

girl sorry to hear you are lonely too.
I don't think I'm planning on leaving. Mostly for the dc. and yes I know many will say that is no reason to stay etc... I suppose I also keep hoping he may change and things may improve ...after all it's only been 17 years!!
I imagine I will stick it out till dc have left home. not sure what will happen then. It's so sad

No

Nope. Sometimes supportive. But not sufficient. He's getting better. He's really really let me down in the past. He knows, is sorry. Not convinced he won't do it again, but I have a better understanding of the situations in which he'll let me down, and hope that I'll have the insight to pre-empt his crapness.

Not really. I probably rely too much on my closest girlfriends for the support that I would like to get from him.

He models himself on Spock, so in his mind logic and emotional distance elevate him above the rest of humanity.

He suffers from Catastrophic thinking which can be pretty debilitating, but it does mean that I have meant to look elsewhere if I'm worried about stuff. For instance, some of his biggest triggers are health related and I have to avoid sharing my fears with him about my health so he doesn't get anxiety.

It also means that I don't get reassurance in the relationship. He's never said that I'm beautiful and because of his searing logic I know that's because he knows that objectively I am not. That's pretty miserable. But the insecurity that triggers is dismissed as irrational.

Yet, as soon as we're having sex he turns into the most loving and tender and kind and thoughtful and comforting person in the world. He doesn't seem to see it. Trouble is, we're not having as much as either of us would like because he's so fucking distant most of the time. It's really bloody hard.

:(

Life's too short. I'm sure your children would want you to be happy

No and its getting to the point i am deeply unhappy.

Same here - and is why we are all on this talk topic - doubt we would be scouring MN Talk Relationships if a) we had a happy relationship b) we had a partner who met our emotional needs (I get a million times more support from anonymous strangers here than I do from my OH). I keep trying to keep the family together for the kids....but the emotional neglect is corrosive and erodes my sense of self worth -- one relate counsellor - asked me once "so who emotionally nourishes Somethingtodo" - as I was not really aware what was happening.

Second the emotional neglect is corrosive. No support for me too. I remember feeling distraught when our DS was diagnosed with chronic health condition - OH said that he will be fine, no point getting upset - a few months after almost crying because his special friend dumped him/emotional affair ended and I was shouting at him. There are 1000s of us biding our time, managing our hurt and isolation so that our children have stability until they are adults themselves.

Yes