Struggling after broken engagement / ex has met someone

[kirsten123]

Hi guys,

I've posted about this before so sorry if I bore you!

I met ex online (Christian dating) and he swept me off my feet. Got engaged with a big diamond 4 months later and I relocated to be with him. He immediately went cold and after a year of me trying to give him time and various conversations (inc him getting really teary), transpires he reckons he just prefers to be on his own. Doesn't want to be financially linked with anyone, will never get married.

So I moved out into a houseshare while I finished my contract and then I moved home. He tells me he is now "seeing someone" but "still doesn't want to settle down". Says it's not me, I am amazing etc, etc.

I am 31, he is 36. Neither married before. Each had 2 LTRs before. No previous engagements. No kids.

It's been 5 months since we split but it still feels like yesterday. I still can't reconcile all the "I would marry you tomorrow", I will love you til death and beyond", with how it so quickly fell apart. And the fact that he's seeing someone else is just such a punch in the guts.

I find being NC really hard. Trying to focus on my own life, dating etc. I honestly felt passion for him like I had never felt before, it was like a dream come true, a fairytale and then it turned into a nightmare. I feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome or something. I have a background of depression anyway.

Don't know if this is relevant but he is South African - is their culture different? Is he a narcissist? A psychopath? I see all the red flags now - being arrogant, obsessive about cleanliness, extremely selfish. WHY do I still carry such a torch for him? I never used to be pathetic like this! Why did I trust him? How can someone hurt someone they profess to love? Just what the actual fuck was that? How do I move past it? I cry every night and have upsetting dreams.

My family and friends are supportive but obviously have their limit of tolerance!!

How long will it take before I can look back and laugh?

Thanks guys for listening.

Also - he said he proposed to me because he "wasn't really over his ex yet". They had been "effectively over" for 2 years but living in the same house. he met me only a couple of months later and proposed 6 months after the end of their rship. She was a psycho (I heard that from others who had direct knowledge - she pretended to have cancer). It ended when she tried to hit him.

Can anyone make sense of this?

He sat on my parents' couch and told them he wanted to marry me and that he knew his own mind, had never felt this way before etc. etc. It was all rubbish! He has apologised to me loads of times and says he is just a "strange" person.

Please, please, tell me I will meet someone else who I will love much more?! But I don't want to think of my ex sad. He's his own worst enemy!
I guess I am one of those women who "love too much".

To be honest, life just seems boring without him! I put so much effort into trying to please him - with looking nice, cooking etc. I looked forward to our time together. No life is a bit blah.

Everyone is different but as they say time is a great healer.

Don't you think you should be feeling rather lucky that you did not go on to have children with this man, a mortgage and other financial commitments? I think well at least she got out before it all went horribly wrong etc

Thank your stars you had a lucky escape. He wasn't right for you but there will be someone out there who is.

Focus on yourself for now and look forward to meeting mr right. I will happen one day!

I feel guilty because I think people have "real" trauma to deal with - death, rape. And then I worry that if I can't even cope with this!!

I veer between sadness and anger. He hurt me, disrupted my life and caused my parents so much stress! And his life hasn't been affected at all, he's off onto the next one! And yet I still feel sorry for him because we could have been great together - we were well suited in lots of ways eg our views about money, religion, politics.

I'm not normally a daft, teenage girl, I had 2 sensible LTRs before and I thought, although this was a whirlwind, that I was going in with my eyes open. It just seems really unfair! I tried so hard! And I feel like a fool!

I'm just grateful for any insights that can help me come to terms with what happened and WHY!!!!!

I don't propose to be an expert on relationships but why are you still in contact with this man? Why do you still know so much about what is going on in his life? The first thing you need to do is go complete non contact. You are only feeding your pain by hearing about his life.

He could be black, green, red, pink with blue spots on, South African, German, Scottish, male or female - none of these make any difference - he did not love you in the right way and does not sound nice at all. Some people just aren't very nice at all and there is no point in trying to understand them or why they did what they did.

You will meet someone eventually. You need to take this time to 'get over' this relationship, raise your bar, not fall too quickly next time, get stronger, see the red flags before you relocate, etc.

The thing is that there were great times too, even after I moved. We'd watch box sets together and laugh at our own private jokes. We had great conversations and he was exciting.

Will I feel this passionate about anyone again? Perhaps Mr Right will be boring?!! And, I hate to say it but my ex was really, really goodlooking. Like way out of my league. He told me that I needed to lose weight as otherwise it showed I don't respect myself. But he was right - I was about 2 stone overweight and it has got worse since we split up. I'm just worried that all my positive thinking - I will meet someone and get married was for nothing. I had such faith that I was finally being rewarded for being patient and it all just fell apart.

He told me that I needed to lose weight as otherwise it showed I don't respect myself.

He sounds like a vile cunt that you are well shot of, he doesn't respect you. Holding a candle for a tosser like this would not be showing respect for yourself.

You seem to have put this man on a pedestal - you think he was better than he is in real life is.

He obviously has issue - and probably with have the same outcome with however he is now with.

Take him off the pedestal and go NC. I am having to try and do this with my ex at the moment - the less contact I have with him the better I am feeling and the quicker I will heal.

You don't know who you will meet in the future (and no doubt you believe God has the perfect plan) and the next guy could be the love of your life - but you are stopping that from happening. Time and NC do really work - but it's a process which you have to go through.

It really doesn't sound like this man was much of a catch anyway - lucky escape me thinks. x

Oh dear, it is no use at all telling you you have had a lucky escape. You have (really, you have) and it would have been so much worse if you had married him and had kids. When the horror eventually dawned you would have been tied to him for life re the kids. Oh, and traumatised to your boots. How do I know this? Christians, too extra headfuck

He was deliriously wonderful because he mimicked you. As you say, the swept off feet bit is, in itself, a major red flag - only, impossible to do anything about it once it's in full swing.

He's done you a major favour by showing his true colours early on, as hard as that is to face. What you are grappling with is trauma - perhaps get that addressed professionally. Do you go to church, a church with a prayer ministry? Precisely the sort of thing to get prayer for.

Thanks everyone, I know you're right. I just need to keep hearing it!
He wasn't much of a catch - only wanted to spend time together on the weekends and was clear about being his own no1 priority. (Found this out AFTER I moved, obviously).

Can anyone suggest WHY he proposed when he is so against marriage? I didn't in any way shape or form put any pressure on him. He drove the whole thing. Was it just an ego boost for him?

He portrayed himself as God's gift to the world and I believed him. I struggle to see him as the cruel, selfish coward that he actually is.

He told his parents, sister, colleagues that he was getting married to me.
It's so hard to move on when you don't understand what happened.
I do feel it's trauma - thanks - I will look into prayers for healing I think.
I was actually too good for him, I can sort of see that with my head but my heart hurts.
There are so many lovely women on here. Why do people hurt us? I'm sure men hurt too, obviously.

I had a relationship like this, even some of the things your ex says to you mine says to me and i practically worshiped the ground he walked on and he knew it!

It took me a couple of years to really get my head straight but seven years later I'm married to a lovely caring man, have a ds and a dd on the way and I know now that my ex fiancé doesn't deserve me, I'm much better than he thought I was and how he treated me.

I will always be sad about what happened but I can now think that he ended up with the right person for him (the woman he left me for) and try to be grown up about it, although his behaviour has caused difficulties that other men will treat me well and he was just the exception.

My point is you deserve so much better, you will get over it and someone will come along who will be the right person for and not tell you that you need to loose weight

Get prayer for TOO , I should say ie as well as professional support. The level of the trauma really does indicate what you've had a brush with iyswim.

And do work towards cutting off contact when you feel you can manage it.

Perhaps read Lundy Bancroft's 'Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men'

Thanks all,

Springydaffs - sorry - what's "TOO"?

I really do feel like something was/is out to destroy me. The thoughts have been pretty black!!

Some men just get off on that buzz. I don't mean to sound patronising, but you sound quite sheltered- have you had much experience with men at all? Just as friends, not even in 'romantic' or sexual relationships?

Basically, yes- there is someone out there for you. He wasn't it. Definitely. People that love and respect their partner don't behave like he did.

Best thing to do is get some time and distance between the two of you. Do something you've always wanted to do- learn a new sport, go to a country you want to visit, do something superficial like change your hair or clothes. It doesn't really matter what you do, but you need to shift your focus away from him and onto yourself, and give your brain a rest from thinking about it all the time.

Also, until you're over him, how can you meet someone else? How can you get on with living your life?

Take some time to think about why you chose someone like him - because you did. An equal relationship, where you don't feel inadequate compared to the other person, isn't boring. It gives you space to be you. Sometimes it's easier to have someone take over your every waking moment than thinking about what you really want and can achieve from life. The way you talk about the proposal makes it sound like he promised to 'rescue' you - but you don't need rescuing. He didn't love you or he wouldn't have acted this way. Sorry to be blunt but I really think you need and deserve a new start - beginning right now.

As well! Prayer as well as professional support. (Ime Christians can be a bit clueless about this stuff).

Keep talking xx

That's ok, I'm not insulted! I have some male friends, yes. But largely I suppose my life has been relatively sheltered. Some drink/food/money/redundancy problems but no real trauma.

It's sad to think he never really loved me! He told me after we split up that he still did. But I don't think he knows his own mind.

I am so tired of picking the same old scabs!

Yes, I was unhappy with my life before I met him - my career etc. I do think I "need" a partner/best friend to be really happy. It's lovely to be so close to someone, have someone to love.

He always denied his parents' divorce had anything to do with his problems but I doubt that it had no effect on him - his dad was a philanderer and his mum was a total wreck when he left and he had to "pick up the pieces" age 17 and be the man of the house.

He told me after I left that he was finding it much harder than he thought and he really missed me. He never asked me back properly though, still wanted to date casually. I refused, obviously!!!

tbh, I think that it could well just be that he realised you weren't a good fit together. If he isn't sure that you are someone he wants to marry then it is better for you and your ultimate happiness that it ends. Yes it's painful, but if he felt you weren't totally right for him, then sooner or later you'd have realised he wasn't totally right for you. Or maybe he got carried away and is simply full of crap with his slushy mills and boon let's marry you're my soulmate bullplop.

You can analyse forever and how will that help you? What you need to do now is to move forward. Put him in your past. Remove him from your life. There is no reason at all for continued or renewed contact with him. He was messing you about (maybe keeping you as his plan b?) and that isn't fair to you.

The fact you don't have children with this man is a good thing as it means there is no valid reason to stay in touch with him.

No contact really is the way forward - as hard as it is to achieve that - but you can do it. Delete and block his number, remove him from fb and other social media, and have nothing more to do with him. Take it one day at a time and every day count how many days it's been until you will eventually get to weeks, then months, and then a lifetime. :)

I also felt I had met something very 'dark' - it was the only way I could describe it.

BUT let's not go too far down that road: there's a lot of dark stuff about - and? It's a fact of life.

Back to you (focus off him): if 'sheltered' means you didn't see this coming then join the vast majority. How could you see it coming? His could anyone? It isn't unless you've experienced it, or something like it, that your eyes are opened.

Focus still on you, off him: salted is absolutely right that people like this hone in on someone with certain vulnerabilities. Mine was that I came from an abusive home and didn't notice abuse, thought it was normal eg. Where did you get the idea it was enchanting to be rescued? What would you want to be rescued from ?

My first thought is that he is lying about his sexuality and keeps panicking about it.

Poor thing had a rough childhood eh. And you wanted to be nice to him to make up for all he went through not noticing he's calling you fat

I have wondered if he is gay - VERY sexual at first - fairly persistent for full sex very early on when I wanted to wait, then suddenly nothing (after I moved). Made excuses to avoid any physical contact at all. Apparently abhorred by thought of anal sex though - he mentioned this once and certainly never tried it with me. Maybe repressed because of religion.

Possibly bisexual or just has loads of weird sexual hangups. (He has talked about his lust for his first girlfriend)

A seriously strange, dangerous, complicated person.
Wish I wasn't still emotionally affected and could see it in a sober, detached light (they way you guys can!!)

I really, really fancied him you see! That's what I meant about the passion. Although I was pretty passionate about the Breaking Bad boxset!!

(Relieved to still be able to laugh!!)