Struggling after broken engagement / ex has met someone

[kirsten123]

Hi guys,

I've posted about this before so sorry if I bore you!

I met ex online (Christian dating) and he swept me off my feet. Got engaged with a big diamond 4 months later and I relocated to be with him. He immediately went cold and after a year of me trying to give him time and various conversations (inc him getting really teary), transpires he reckons he just prefers to be on his own. Doesn't want to be financially linked with anyone, will never get married.

So I moved out into a houseshare while I finished my contract and then I moved home. He tells me he is now "seeing someone" but "still doesn't want to settle down". Says it's not me, I am amazing etc, etc.

I am 31, he is 36. Neither married before. Each had 2 LTRs before. No previous engagements. No kids.

It's been 5 months since we split but it still feels like yesterday. I still can't reconcile all the "I would marry you tomorrow", I will love you til death and beyond", with how it so quickly fell apart. And the fact that he's seeing someone else is just such a punch in the guts.

I find being NC really hard. Trying to focus on my own life, dating etc. I honestly felt passion for him like I had never felt before, it was like a dream come true, a fairytale and then it turned into a nightmare. I feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome or something. I have a background of depression anyway.

Don't know if this is relevant but he is South African - is their culture different? Is he a narcissist? A psychopath? I see all the red flags now - being arrogant, obsessive about cleanliness, extremely selfish. WHY do I still carry such a torch for him? I never used to be pathetic like this! Why did I trust him? How can someone hurt someone they profess to love? Just what the actual fuck was that? How do I move past it? I cry every night and have upsetting dreams.

My family and friends are supportive but obviously have their limit of tolerance!!

How long will it take before I can look back and laugh?

Thanks guys for listening.

Kirsten many years ago I was married to someone I was madly in love with but I knew deep down he was not that into me so I ended it. Nearly broke me but I'm fine now

OP - Some people should never get married. He is one of them. It just isn't in their nature to give all of themselves to a partnership, to share life experiences, support each other and to compromise. It does sound as though he tried as much as he is capable of doing to see himself married, and clearly you made him want to be that person. I actually think, however selfish and hurtful he has been that he has been honest with you and you have had a lucky escape.

I think his home background is telling - his father's philandering especially. NC really is the best way, however much it hurts right now. You have learned something from your painful experience too, don't forget. You worry that the next person you get involved with will do the same thing to you, but that won't happen because you now know what the warning signs are of such a personality, even if subconsciously.