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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Struggling after broken engagement / ex has met someone

77 replies

kirsten123 · 08/10/2014 12:59

Hi guys,

I've posted about this before so sorry if I bore you!

I met ex online (Christian dating) and he swept me off my feet. Got engaged with a big diamond 4 months later and I relocated to be with him. He immediately went cold and after a year of me trying to give him time and various conversations (inc him getting really teary), transpires he reckons he just prefers to be on his own. Doesn't want to be financially linked with anyone, will never get married.

So I moved out into a houseshare while I finished my contract and then I moved home. He tells me he is now "seeing someone" but "still doesn't want to settle down". Says it's not me, I am amazing etc, etc.

I am 31, he is 36. Neither married before. Each had 2 LTRs before. No previous engagements. No kids.

It's been 5 months since we split but it still feels like yesterday. I still can't reconcile all the "I would marry you tomorrow", I will love you til death and beyond", with how it so quickly fell apart. And the fact that he's seeing someone else is just such a punch in the guts.

I find being NC really hard. Trying to focus on my own life, dating etc. I honestly felt passion for him like I had never felt before, it was like a dream come true, a fairytale and then it turned into a nightmare. I feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome or something. I have a background of depression anyway.

Don't know if this is relevant but he is South African - is their culture different? Is he a narcissist? A psychopath? I see all the red flags now - being arrogant, obsessive about cleanliness, extremely selfish. WHY do I still carry such a torch for him? I never used to be pathetic like this! Why did I trust him? How can someone hurt someone they profess to love? Just what the actual fuck was that? How do I move past it? I cry every night and have upsetting dreams.

My family and friends are supportive but obviously have their limit of tolerance!!

How long will it take before I can look back and laugh?

Thanks guys for listening.

OP posts:
lovelybrew · 08/10/2014 23:01

I sympathise very much. It is horrid when a partner fast tracks things and comes on very strong in the beginning, you buy it and give up stuff/relocate for them, and then they go cold and dump you. It is really, really hard.

I think time is the only thing that does help. Which is annoying but at least as each day passes you are further away from the situation and you will be healing day by day. I had a horrible break up earlier this year in a similar sort of situation. The best thing is to keep busy until time passes sufficiently that you can look at the situation dispassionately. You may never understand but at the moment I would imagine thinking of him causes pain and yet you revisit the subject to try and understand what the hell he was playing at to reel you in and then spit you out so rapidly. From past experience, it says a lot about HIM, and you may never understand, but I don't blame you for trying. You sound lovely OP and like you are well shot of him. Flowers

jasper · 09/10/2014 12:55

You poor thing. The others are right. Time really does heal.
The world is full of lovely Christian men but there are some confused nutters too Smile

kirsten123 · 09/10/2014 21:34

Thanks very much everyone.

I've bought these books on Amazon just to help me come to terms with this and not do the same again!
It's sad to think that I'm NOT the most wonderful, amazing, clever, funny, gorgeous, woman he ever met and that it was all such shite!!!
(Lol)

OP posts:
springydaffs · 10/10/2014 12:22

with all his faults.

And there were many, alarming 'faults' (I'd call it more than 'faults', myself).

I've been around domestic abuse circles for a long time and some patterns stand out. Bearing in mind that an abuser is uber controlling, not eating food that has been microwaved is up there as one of the common patterns in abusers. Veg only cooked in bottled water would come in the same category. If I were being kind I'd say there is probably an eating disorder in there somewhere - known for vicelike control - but it's more likely these traits indicate an abuser. He was also gaslighting you if he denied saying things you know full well he said.

Op, you don't even want to think about how life would have been if you stayed with him - dense darkness comes to mind. I think you are on the money when you say you feel you've been involved in a cult - read up on it; it was a great help to me to read up on stuff like that.

As was reading 'Men who hate women (and women who love them)'. There he was on every page. You've had an amazing escape.

springydaffs · 10/10/2014 12:28

...one of the common patterns in abusers

As is demanding fresh 'proper' bread every day. (I'm sure not everyone who demands fresh proper bread every day is an abuser, just that this is a common trait in abusers ie rigid food control)

springydaffs · 10/10/2014 12:31

My abuser also preferred sex from behind - so he wouldn't have to look at my face. This guy lay flat on top of you so he not only didn't see your face but he also didn't see anything of your body at all.

kirsten123 · 11/10/2014 21:58

Hoping to keep this thread alive at least for a while because:
a) it is helping me :-), thanks all :-)
b) I have directed a few other MNetters to it because it fits some of their split/EA stories.

Hope that is ok!

He doesn't feel as "real" to me anymore if that make sense. Like I'm starting to view it as "this thing that happened to me in the past".

OP posts:
HettieBoop · 11/10/2014 22:30

This happened to me also, some details very similar, some diferrent.

We met, he pursued heavily, "loved" me within a month or less, I was his soulmate, the only woman for him, he had been waiting all his life for me.......blah, blah, blah.

Dated for a year, during which time he was the model boyfriend, regularly flying out to see me, running up huge phone bills, lovely thoughtful gifts, always there for me.

I fell in love and started to really believe in him and trusted him without a shadow of a doubt. I relocated also.

We lived together very happily for two and a half years. He proposed. Big engagement fanfare where he told the entire world and his dog that he could not be happier.

Then he left one day with little explanation. For six months I battered my head against the wall looking for answers. He'd meet up with me, got back together with me a few times, told me through tears that he loved me and was just under a lot of stress and needed some time. He subtly made me feel like it was my fault by slipping in parts of me that had "made him do it" (things he'd never once mentioned before when he was busy telling me every day I was perfect) and I set about desperately trying to fix things. He then not-so-subtly set about making everyone around us believe it was my fault too so he got away without looking like a feckless arse.

I was left up shit creek without a paddle in every sense and had to rebuild my life from the ground up.

I wish I could tell you there were warning signs but aside from how quickly and deeply he "fell in love" I could not fault him. Day after day over years he acted and made me believe I was the love of his life and that he could not be happier. He never gave me a moment's doubt and I deeply believed I was lucky.

Eventually a couple of years later he finally admitted he'd not been ready to get married, that he was never over his previous marriage and still held a candle for her. I was a glorified rebound all along. Incidentally he never remarried and remains alone.

The reason I think he was so believable was partly down to his natural character...he was a softly spoken serious sort of a chap not prone to vast displays of emotion and he was well respected as a man of integrity, but moreover because I think he really believed it .

I think when he met me I was a pretty girl, well liked and popular, and he thought he was a fat, bald guy no one would want after his wife left him. He wanted me / became deeply infatuated and I was part of his fantasy. The fantasy where he was happy without his ex wife and I was the real love of his life. He set about becoming my dream man in order to keep me, and unbeknownst to me our relationship was not really "real" if that makes sense.

Fact was, his love for me did not run as deeply as he convinced himself and when he realised that he dealt with it like a coward and ran away, letting me blame and hate myself and not giving me the benefit of an adult conversation to help me to understand what was happening.

He was a very selfish, immature man who gave the appearance of integrity and honesty but he did not possess those qualities when push came to shove. Sometimes it takes a long time to see the dark in someone.

FWIW...my ex tried many times to win me back and I told him to shove up up his arse. He is not, and never was, capable of genuine love for another human being to the level people like you or I are and people like that walk among us undetected.

For as long as they want or need you they will shower you in love, support affection and seeming commitment. They will become what you need. Best friend, protector, selfless lover, devoted life partner and the moment they don't want or need you they are capable of the most unimaginable cruelty to avoid facing the music or seeing the pain they have caused.

Perhaps sociopath? I am not sure. Perhaps. Definitely coward, and most definitely lacking in normal empathy and moral values.

I am sorry this happened to you, but when people treat you like shit you have to try and cling on to the fact that it is their issue and not yours. Some people are well and truly screwed up and not above using other human beings to make themselves feel better. They are not living an authentic life. They are not mature enough for a marriage . I don't think they even know who they are.

I am with someone else now who I love very much. Being with him made me realise quite how inauthentic my ex actually was. I rarely think of my ex, but when I do I admit to feeling a great deal of sadness. Regardless of how things turned out for years I loved this person and the betrayal of that sort leaves a scar on you.

You do come out stronger and wiser though, and believe me, you will be able to smell dog shit a mile off after you're done with this.

HettieBoop · 11/10/2014 22:31

Sorry that was a bit of an essay!

Brassrubbing · 12/10/2014 08:48

OP, major sympathy. It will get better. However, as someone up the thread said, you need to look at your own choices, rather than trying to 'understand' him, because your choices and actions are the only thing you can alter. One of the things that stands out from your OP for me is that after a mere four months of seeing one another, you agreed to get engaged, and relocated to be with a man you hardly knew, putting yourself in a vulnerable position and resulting in you being terribly psychologically dependent on him. And you're still seeing the fallout from that. Try to understand why you did that in order to put yourself in the best possible position to prevent a repeat. Best wishes.

jasper · 12/10/2014 14:14

Hettieboob, that was very heartfelt

kirsten123 · 12/10/2014 14:34

Thanks, Hettie & Brass,

Yes, my ex had recently ended a LTR and I really challenged him before I moved but he did give me satisfactory answers (at that time) and I didn't think I was a rebound. Now: who knows?!!

I was struck by the idea of not living an "authentic life". I refused to live a lie, living with someone who didn't really love me (not enough to get married). He would have trundled along indefinitely, I think. And yes, he doesn't really know himself.

Re: me relocating so soon. Well....when we got engaged, I really had to quit my job as it was obvious to everyone in my small firm that I would move to London. So I was being honest with them...and who in their right mind would reject a huge diamond proffered in Rome by the world's most charming man?!!! And I did get a job and make friends down there so it wasn't all a waste or anything. So I take full responsibility for that. On the other hand, he made NO effort to make it work, despite him driving everything.

They do walk among us, these folk who promise you the earth then pull the rug from under you! To be fair to my ex, he did seem very remorseful at times. But not enough to a) even try or b) not put another girl through it.

OP posts:
kirsten123 · 12/10/2014 15:01

I actually think he would have continued to pursue me until he had me, no matter if it took a year or however long. It wasn't until I was on his sofa, with my toothbrush in his bathroom and he "had" me that he decided he didn't want that anymore. He needed the ego boost, I think.

Interesting what a previous poster said about the food obsessions:
He was SERIOUSLY weird about cleanliness round the house. There were to be NO water marks on the shower screen and not a drip of water on the kitchen surfaces. If I left a mark or a streak, honestly, it was like I'd shat on his pillow.

He was obsessive about his skin as well - used that as a reason to avoid sex - reckoned the hormones made his acne worse - he had a few spots now and again but heck you'd think he was suffering from a terminal disease the way he moaned about it. He had very few possessions - insisted he had few enough that he could get everything in the back of his car. Loathed and detested clutter of all description - now I'm a minimalist but this was something else! Had like 3 knives, 3 forks, 3 spoons, 3 cups, 3 bowls, 3 plates. 5 shirts, 2 pairs of trousers, 2 pairs of shorts. 3 pairs of shoes and a laptop. The end.

OP posts:
kirsten123 · 12/10/2014 15:02

I am much less tearful about it now, just much more matter of fact. That's what happens with a bit of time and distance I suppose.

OP posts:
jasper · 12/10/2014 16:29

"I was struck by the idea of not living an "authentic life"

Can you explain this a bit please? Do you mean that once you moved in with him and he withdrew , you knew in your heart that it would have to end , even though you desperately did not want it to end?
or something else?

kirsten123 · 12/10/2014 17:34

Hi Jasper,

It was in reference to what Hettie said.

Neither of us were living an authentic life:

  1. me because I wanted to be married, not just living together and it was becoming clear that that wasn't going to happen; and
  2. him because he was being a coward, too afraid to end it himself.
OP posts:
jasper · 12/10/2014 17:38

Yes that makes perfect sense, I understand.
funny, I used exactly that phrase a lot ( that I needed to be living an authentic life ) when I made huge changes to my home life a while back.
Affairs of the heart are just SO painful, are they not?

kirsten123 · 12/10/2014 17:45

Definitely, Jasper.

I could not live a lie for the next 60 years (or until he got the courage up to kick me out!)
At least I can look at myself in the mirror and know I'm practising what I preach - to respect myself and live according to my own values. Ie marriage and nothing less!
:-)

OP posts:
jasper · 12/10/2014 18:37

good for you Kirsten. you know you have done the right thing , even if it hurts

kirsten123 · 12/10/2014 18:38

Thanks Jasper,
It hurts, but it was the right decision because I am SAVING myself a lot of hurt in the future.
Hope all goes well for you too - what changes did you make in your home life?

OP posts:
Brassrubbing · 12/10/2014 20:25

Hang on, Kirsten, I'm still not entirely following you about the speedy relocation. You say you 'had' to quit your job because 'it was obvious to everyone' you worked with that you would move to London - why? Because you had become engaged? That doesn't follow for me at all. Why would it be assumed you were the one to move? My now-husband and I commuted between countries for years because we were both passionately committed to careers that we couldn't easily pursue in the same place. That's an extreme example, but I can think of lots of other couples making compromises. Didn't you and your ex discuss the logistics with him being the mover as a possibility?

Not nit-picking here, just trying to get you to look back on past actions so you won't repeat being too trusting.

I have to say too, that, I would certainly have regarded a massive ring in Rome after a mere four months with extreme suspicion - that's too fast for me, and I suspect too fast for many other people. It is perfectly possible to say no to the fairy tale proposal. Or just to say 'not yet'. You sound as if you were just bowled over by a manipulative, shallow semi-sociopath who quickly ceased to gave any interest in his conquests.

And it's difficult to reconcile what you say about his 'charm' with the obsessive, vain, sexually hung-up, controlling man you describe here...?

HarlowEver · 12/10/2014 20:40

I had a very similar relationship.

Engaged very quickly, crazy in love and then out of nowhere he was cold and distant. We lived in different countries and he just cut off communication.

A few months later he met someone, again they fell in love quickly and moved in and after a year it all fell apart.

I actually met up with him recently as we were in the same city and it turns out he was alcoholic and he'd spent his entire life telling lies, which is why I believe so many women (me included) fell for him because he made us feel so good about ourselves and that he was the one.

It really was a case of it was him and not me.

The woman he's with now will probably go through the exact same thing as you have been through.

I never thought I would get over him but I have. I believe he's with someone now and it doesn't hurt me. I missed the fairytale life I thought I was going to have with him ..... but it was never going to happen, even if we'd stayed together.

kirsten123 · 12/10/2014 20:45

Hi Brass,

My colleagues knew that he earned loads more than me and owned a house and that realistically I had to be the one doing the move. I was fine with being the one to move, precisely because it was realistic. So I kind of felt, once I got engaged, that it was only fair for me to hand my notice in rather than say "I'll leave at some point but not yet". As in, they had to get someone in and train them for my role. To be totally honest, I couldn't WAIT to jack the job in and move to London!! I was happy to leave my job as wasn't enjoying it. Had I enjoyed it, I MAY have waited a little longer. It seemed pointless to fly up and down all the time (both him and I) and a huge waste of money. I suppose I thought going down there would HELP it work as it would be less stressful.

But yep, I would no way do it like that again. Next time (if it requires another relocation!!!!!) I will take my time over everything. At least a year before any engagement so that he can prove himself as in it for the long haul and so I can be sure he's the right one!

I just wasn't expecting any of the whirlwind stuff and subsequent disaster. My 2 prev boyfs have been totally "normal" plus I never read Mumsnet!!!! Nothing like this had ever happened to anyone I know. He seemed so genuine, even fooled my parents. Well, fooled himself mainly!!!!

The charming man proffered the ring in Rome - "the word "love" doesn't begin to reflect the depth and width of what I feel for you" he said. But I moved in with a psycho! It was as soon as I got out the moving van, seriously! I can't reconcile the 2 either.

So yes, I've certainly learned my lesson and take responsibility for my part. I was a silly, romantic girl who believed in fairytales!!

OP posts:
kirsten123 · 12/10/2014 20:49

Hi Harlow,

Sorry to hear about your trouble!

I, too, miss the fairytale life I thought I was going to have. I had delusions of being a cut-price Kate Middleton or something!

So, I'll just have to make my OWN fairytale! With or without a man along for the ride!

OP posts:
kirsten123 · 12/10/2014 20:51

Harlow, didn't you have to go NC with your ex?

OP posts:
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