Struggling after broken engagement / ex has met someone

[kirsten123]

Hi guys,

I've posted about this before so sorry if I bore you!

I met ex online (Christian dating) and he swept me off my feet. Got engaged with a big diamond 4 months later and I relocated to be with him. He immediately went cold and after a year of me trying to give him time and various conversations (inc him getting really teary), transpires he reckons he just prefers to be on his own. Doesn't want to be financially linked with anyone, will never get married.

So I moved out into a houseshare while I finished my contract and then I moved home. He tells me he is now "seeing someone" but "still doesn't want to settle down". Says it's not me, I am amazing etc, etc.

I am 31, he is 36. Neither married before. Each had 2 LTRs before. No previous engagements. No kids.

It's been 5 months since we split but it still feels like yesterday. I still can't reconcile all the "I would marry you tomorrow", I will love you til death and beyond", with how it so quickly fell apart. And the fact that he's seeing someone else is just such a punch in the guts.

I find being NC really hard. Trying to focus on my own life, dating etc. I honestly felt passion for him like I had never felt before, it was like a dream come true, a fairytale and then it turned into a nightmare. I feel like I have post traumatic stress syndrome or something. I have a background of depression anyway.

Don't know if this is relevant but he is South African - is their culture different? Is he a narcissist? A psychopath? I see all the red flags now - being arrogant, obsessive about cleanliness, extremely selfish. WHY do I still carry such a torch for him? I never used to be pathetic like this! Why did I trust him? How can someone hurt someone they profess to love? Just what the actual fuck was that? How do I move past it? I cry every night and have upsetting dreams.

My family and friends are supportive but obviously have their limit of tolerance!!

How long will it take before I can look back and laugh?

Thanks guys for listening.

He did like to have sex from behind though - does that mean anything?

My parents are still together and happy so I never really learned about dysfunctional relationships.
I read "the Rules" and thought I knew it all. (Obv missed the part about not moving house before marriage - thought engagement was ok!)
I remember my friend dating a married man and all the sensible (dump him, tough love) advice I gave her. Why can't I pull myself out of this hole?!!! It's like I'm going backwards - crying at night.
Even the most gorgeous celebrities and clever, good people get shat on though, don't they?

I was thinking he may be gay as well!

But..... you sound so lovely.
Please stop trying to understand that you can never possibly understand.

Start focussing on you. Your life. Your social life.
You will get there but please go NC for your own sanity!

*Something!

I met someone like this, he declared his undying love for me, sent me ridiculously OTT gifts, paid for a holiday for me which must have cost in the region of £10k (upper class flights, suite at 5* hotel in the States, tables at clubs that cost in the region of $1k), however, he wasn't all he seemed and turned from being the most lovely, gentle, loving man, to being a moody alcoholic who could only be nice when he had a drink in his hand. This lasted for all of six weeks but the switch in his personality was brutal and I honestly think I am still traumatised from it, which sounds ridiculous but it came as such a shock! I'm so pleased it's all behind me as it was one of the most distressing times of my life. I now know all about the red flags of narcissists, and I am very, very careful about getting involved with men who are too 'into' me at the beginning, it now rings alarm bells, because, as they end of the day, how can someone love you, who doesn't know you.

Have a read of Men Who Hate Women, and Women Who Love Them. It kind of explores the ideas you're thinking of and helps you understand your feelings (clearly they aren't going to go away just like that) but it does explore what was really going through your head when you were in a relationship with him. And his.

Thanks everyone.

Maybe I'm immature but I hate to think of him saying lovely things and making love to this new person!!

If he was really sorry that he'd hurt me (like he said he was) then surely he WOULD just stay alone and not string someone else along.

I mean it's an unusual Christian woman (he met her online as well) who is happy to just date casually, with no marriage and kids in the pipeline? He will never find this perfect person (thin, clever, rich, Christian, happy to have no kids) that he wants!!! Why would that person want HIM?!!

He sounds like a vile cunt that you are well shot of, he doesn't respect you. Holding a candle for a tosser like this would not be showing respect for yourself.

Ditto.

Google "blowtorching" and "dating". Sounds like a classic blowtorch. You are feeling bad because you are mentally trying to reconcile a man behaving like prince charming with a man behaving like a sociopath.

The reason this is hard to reconcile is because it is actually impossible.

It's no comfort I know but time is a great healer.

you are mentally trying to reconcile a man behaving like prince charming with a man behaving like a sociopath.

The reason this is hard to reconcile is because it is actually impossible.

Thank you. I am noting this down!!!

I wish I could fast-forward a year or so!!
Or just know that one day I could have a good job and a kind husband!!
Life is just so full of pain and so hard sometimes and all I want is just be happy and have someone to share things with. A laugh at the end of the day. Someone to cuddle in bed when it's raining outside.

I can't see any point in trying to understand him, his actions, his past, his parents. There's nowt you can do about any of it.

You need to understand your own feelings and actions. Being dumped is truly horrible, most of us have been there. But time heals the wounds and you have to be able to face the world as a confident single person. It will come.

I feel as if I've won the lottery only to turn up to find out it's all a big joke and everyone is laughing at me.

I can't find anything on "blowtorching" - is it a bit like gaslighting?!

Yeah, he was weird - wouldn't eat anything (even home cooked food) that had been heated up in the microwave. Insisted veg was cooked in bottled water.

Would deny he had said x y and z even though I had written it in my diary (he didn't know that!)

"He did like to have sex from behind though - does that mean anything?"

He probably just thought you had a nice shapely bum.

Haha lol.
No, he would directly on top of me. So he couldn't actually see anything!

Oh I see. Well, I'm not sure then; perhaps he likes tandem skydiving.

I was my ex's third broken engagement. I never wanted children, and that was fine with him apparently - it ended up not being. However, I have no doubt if I had then said I did want children,that would have been wrong too. I don't think he knew what he actually wanted from life.

he was also an abusive shithead but that's by the by

I was dumped by my fiance. It's horrible. He was my best friend, soul mate, call it whatever. His reasoning was he was too young to be tied down. True- we were 21.

Like you I looked for every reason 'why'. I implore you to stop analysing because it's a hiding to nothing. There is no logic to how someone loves you one day then not the next and looking for clues in their character or behaviour doesn't give the answers in the end.

I was gutted when I heard my ex had married someone barely 2 years after our break up. They divorced after a brief marriage and he divorced again after that. Both were impulsive rebound marriages. Sounds like that is what your ex does too.

Try to stop looking back- look forward and get out there and meet all the good men waiting for you.

Thanks everyone.

It's hard. I allowed myself to fall completely head over heels and left myself so vulnerable to rejection. I just believed he was like me - essentially decent and honest.

And I still just miss him so much, sometimes think I smell his aftershave. Can't bear the thought of forgetting him. It's like he died. It was like being brainwashed or being in a cult or something.

Whenever I hear my phone beep, I still think it's him to say "I'm sorry, I made a terrible mistake".

What do you do when you don't care about work or anything and all you want is the one thing you can't have - him?

It's a cliche but time is a great healer.

The best thing you can do is remind yourself of what he is really like- not what you would want him to be like. Some of the things you have said about him do suggest he is rather odd and would have been impossible to live with. Cooking his veg in a certain type of water..really????

You are pining for a fantasy not the real man with all his faults. He doesn't have a great track record so my bet is you'd have been insecure all through the relationship once the honeymoon stage was over.

Throw yourself into new things, join classes, meet people, volunteer- do anything to keep busy. When it happened to me I got a bar job 2 nights a week just to get out of the house and take my mind off it all so much.

I can't find anything on "blowtorching" - is it a bit like gaslighting?!

Google blowtorching AND dating together.

No -gaslighting is completely different. But where there is blowtorching, ironically later there is often also gaslighting. They are both found in sociopaths!

You poor thing. My ex did similar to me. Said ALL the right things and turned out he was cheating on me. I really struggled with replaying the things he said in my mind and the horrible things he did - I couldn't work out how someone could say, and seem to genuinely feel, one thing but act so differently.

In answer to your 'how long does it take' question. For me, not all that long as I did some crazy internet dating and ended up meeting my now husband. I was completely heart broken, I can assure you, but now I'm able to look back and feel relief that it ended. I still can't understand what on earth happened with this other chap, I'd love some kind of insight into what he was thinking but I know I'll never get it, frustrating as that might be.

I blocked him in facebook, phone, email etc, and ignored his contact saying he couldn't bear to live without me in his life etc. it hurt terribly to do that but I knew I had to. I literally used to hide my phone from myself so I wouldn't keep checking for messages.

You CAN do it and you WILL. Just give yourself time and patience x