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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'D'H having affair

132 replies

Someonestolemyname · 05/10/2014 15:10

Hi. Long time lurker but occasional poster. Have created new account for this because worried name change might go wrong :(

I feel sick. Sicker than I ever have before.
H (I cannot call him DH because I want to kill him) has bought himself a new iPad. Left his old one here switched off and is away with work until Tuesday.
Ds asked to play FIFA on my iPad but I was using it so told him to grab his dad's old one. He handed it back after his few games and I decided to have a flick through photos to see what pics he'd got of the kids.

I found he had screen shotted dozens and dozens of messages from an email conversation with another woman. I immediately wanted to throw up. From what I could gather he's been seeing someone her since February. Maybe before. Disgusting messages between them discussing what they wanted to do to each other. And pictures. Fucking disgusting pictures.
Of his dick that he'd sent her and her boobs she'd sent him.
The next part truly sickens me. There were screen shots of a swinging website where they seem to have an account together. They are 'verifying' him for being a good guy and saying how much they enjoyed the meet with him and her.
I want to curl up and die.
Thought we were happy. We are financially comfortable, enjoy our jobs, spend time with each other, gave a lovely house. I could go on. I thought we were so lucky to have such a nice life together.
My poor beautiful dc's. How could he do this to us.

OP posts:
Lndnmummy · 05/10/2014 15:13

Hey, I am here for handholding, i am so so sorry. Where are you now, do you have anyone to talk to in RL?

Justalittlebitfedup · 05/10/2014 15:13

No useful advice but here for hand holding OP Hmm

If I were you I'd be making preparations for him to leave. Make sure you have copies of these pictures with the messages in, and to be on the safe side make sure you get an STI check. I know it's probably the last thing you'd want to do but if he has been having unprotected sex you need to get checked out.

FelicityGubbins · 05/10/2014 15:17

I'm so sorry, use tomorrow to get the locks on the house changed, gather up as much paperwork as possible, and bag his stuff up ready for him to collect.

StickEm · 05/10/2014 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Someonestolemyname · 05/10/2014 15:19

Thanks lndmummy - I'm at home. Can't tell anyone yet.
Kids think it's Xmas as I've told them to help themselves from the fridge

Just - I've copied all the pictures and sent them to myself
Jesus. STI check. Fuck that hadn't crossed my mind but yes you're right. He's obviously been sleeping with us both.

OP posts:
seasavage · 05/10/2014 15:20

So sorry you're going through this. As suggested above, get organised to keep him out so you have space and time to sort out finances and muster yourself. It must be hard.

3littlefrogs · 05/10/2014 15:24

I don't think you can legally change the locks, but you MUST find and photocopy bank statements and credit card statements - evidence of what he has been spending and where/on what.
Also payslips as proof of his salary, pension details etc. All things that a deceitful ex would try to conceal from a judge.

Have you worked out when this has been happening? When he was supposed to be working?
Can you check his diary?

Original poster
Someonestolemyname · 05/10/2014 15:32

We work together running a business so I thought I knew where he was all the time. How wrong could I be?
Thought we only had the one account. A joint one then another one in my name where child benefit went into.
3 frogs. I have all his payslips here. And bank statements.
Can't think straight.

OP posts:
KeeperOfBees · 05/10/2014 15:32

I remember the feeling well, I was 6 months pregnant when I found photos of DH in bed with another women. Though the biggest punch in the stomach was how my sweet DH turned into a cruel lying monster after 8 years of happiness (wish both DD and DS dead with cancer) You need to be stronger than you ever thought you could be op. x

KeeperOfBees · 05/10/2014 15:32

*wishing

Original poster
Someonestolemyname · 05/10/2014 15:33

My god. I think I'd feel better if he'd 'just' had an affair. But swinging with her. Can't get my head round that.

OP posts:
Original poster
Someonestolemyname · 05/10/2014 15:33

Keeperofbees - I'm so sorry x

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 05/10/2014 15:34

Op so sorry....it's made me feel sick on your behalf Thanks

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 05/10/2014 15:37

Oh my goodness what an incredible shock.

Good advice above about copying everything you may need. How often does he check his email? If regular, id be tempted to email him.Monday night or Tuesday morning with everything attached and a message saying that you've left his bags at X (a family.members or friends). No way would I want him back in the house.

KeeperOfBees · 05/10/2014 15:38

Right back at you op Thanks Thanks

xx

hamptoncourt · 05/10/2014 15:39

So sorry this is happening to you.

I do think you need to tell someone you can trust in RL. If he has been swinging then you really have no idea what he might have exposed you to so you do need to get checked out asap. Sad

I know it is considered dodgy but I would also change the locks, pack a bag and send it to his mum/best friend ( with a full and frank explanation for your reasons) and text him telling him that is where his stuff is and he can contact you by email to discuss arrangements to see DC.

Then I would see a solicitor.

Good luck and keep posting. I have seen MN see quite a few women through a situation like yours. Sadly it isn't as unusual as it ought to be Angry

Allalonenow · 05/10/2014 15:40

So sorry that you are going through this, you will feel dreadful, I know that sick feeling.
Try to keep eating even though you don't feel like it, snacks and sugary drinks if that's all you can manage.

Protect your finances as a priority, make sure that you and the children have enough to live on for the next couple of months, he may well try to clear out joint accounts.

Be prepared for him to attempt to minimise his actions and involvement, and for him to try to place blame on you. Gather support in RL, friends and parents will help sustain you.

Thanks sending you kind thoughts.

LEMmingaround · 05/10/2014 15:44

You poorlove.youare in shock. Lots if good advice here but you don't have to do anythi g right now. One minute at a time.

postmanpatscat · 05/10/2014 15:45

Please get someone round to be with you - mum, friend, sister, whoever. Those who love you would hate to think you are dealing with this alone.

FelicityGubbins · 05/10/2014 15:46

I second PP saying tell your friends and family, if you were my sister/friend I certainly wouldn't think less of you (him definitely), I would do everything I could to be there for you in any way I could.

pippinleaf · 05/10/2014 15:47

Oh god, that's just so awful. It rips everything apart. What an asshole. Sending strength from over here to you. Decide what you want to do, do it and save the dissolving for when you're with friends or alone. What a massive pig.

3littlefrogs · 05/10/2014 15:48

OP - I am so sorry.
You have time until Tuesday.
Take some deep breaths.
You will get good advice here.

Could you get legal advice?
You need to protect your position in the business, your income and security.

Mum4Fergus · 05/10/2014 15:55

So sorry OP,what an awful shock for you. Agree with other posters...get you documents in order, share with someone in RL, get legal help if you can...and pack up his sorry ass shit ready for his return in Tuesday...

Original poster
Someonestolemyname · 05/10/2014 16:01

The financial side I'm not worried about. Were 50/50 shareholders. He can't do anything without me but I've got copies of everything. Can't trust him now.

My perfect life has gone.

The thought if him swinging. I can't even put into words how much it disgusts me.

OP posts:
Original poster
Someonestolemyname · 05/10/2014 16:01

My best friend is coming over. She lives an hour and half away but I couldn't even tell her over the phone. She just knew I needed her

OP posts:
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