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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'D'H having affair

132 replies

Someonestolemyname · 05/10/2014 15:10

Hi. Long time lurker but occasional poster. Have created new account for this because worried name change might go wrong :(

I feel sick. Sicker than I ever have before.
H (I cannot call him DH because I want to kill him) has bought himself a new iPad. Left his old one here switched off and is away with work until Tuesday.
Ds asked to play FIFA on my iPad but I was using it so told him to grab his dad's old one. He handed it back after his few games and I decided to have a flick through photos to see what pics he'd got of the kids.

I found he had screen shotted dozens and dozens of messages from an email conversation with another woman. I immediately wanted to throw up. From what I could gather he's been seeing someone her since February. Maybe before. Disgusting messages between them discussing what they wanted to do to each other. And pictures. Fucking disgusting pictures.
Of his dick that he'd sent her and her boobs she'd sent him.
The next part truly sickens me. There were screen shots of a swinging website where they seem to have an account together. They are 'verifying' him for being a good guy and saying how much they enjoyed the meet with him and her.
I want to curl up and die.
Thought we were happy. We are financially comfortable, enjoy our jobs, spend time with each other, gave a lovely house. I could go on. I thought we were so lucky to have such a nice life together.
My poor beautiful dc's. How could he do this to us.

OP posts:
ilikewineandrugby · 05/10/2014 16:04

I can't offer any better advice than you've already been given - but make sure you have all the documents you need (including your and DC's passports), get an appointment with a solicitor asap and get a friend to come round asap. If you can get someone to have the financial documents at their house even better - you can send him the copies as and when he needs them and its one less job for you to do (copying them all).

If you can, I wouldn't do it via email, more face to face but I appreciate it might be difficult having DC's. That way it gives him no time to think up excuses blah blah blah.

big hugs xxx

AnyFucker · 05/10/2014 16:04

That's some time consuming shit for a so-called "family man" he's got going on there

Has he been absent from family life a lot recently ? "Business trips", overnighters, working late etc

It would be that which would signal the end for me. How fucking dare he use time and money that should have been in vested in you and the kids to get his end away with some losers he enticed out of the woodwork ?

Get your STI check pronto and get this dickhead out of your house and your life.

3pigsinblanketsandasausagerole · 05/10/2014 16:05

Oh gosh op

What a terrible shock

Glad you have a friend coming over

Jacksonville14 · 05/10/2014 16:06

So very sorry, time for you to get a fabulous lawyer and I am very sorry to say STI check too.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 05/10/2014 16:07

Scary to think that your son could have seen and read any of that too.

imtheonlyone · 05/10/2014 16:10

I'm so sorry to read this - I feel disgusted on your behalf.
Sounds like you've had some good advice already. Defo change locks (legally he can access his own house, but he can't stop you changing the locks for now) and make sure he doesn't come home to your house.
Also, I know you say he's away with work and that you work together- but where is he? And do you know that he's alone? Or could he be with her now do you think? I know you probably don't want to think about that - but he's already proved you can't trust him Hmm

So so sorry

StaircaseAtTheUniversity · 05/10/2014 16:12

No word beside cunt to describe such a despicable man. Keep strong op. This is the end of your marriage but the beginning of a better life where you know all the facts and aren't being played by a duplicitous arsehole. Good luck.

WitchWay · 05/10/2014 16:12

I'm very sorry Sad

TeaAndALemonTart · 05/10/2014 16:15

So sorry. What a pig. Have you told him you know and thrown him out?

AMillionNameChangesLater · 05/10/2014 16:17

I'm so sorry

ArabellaTarantella · 05/10/2014 16:18

TeaAndALemon ...........and is away with work until Tuesday so how could she have thrown him out yet? RTFT.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 05/10/2014 16:19

If you're running a business together I think you need to get copies of all important documents relating to it out of the house somewhere safe. Copies of year-end accounts and current year's transactions, all that kind of stuff.

Have a think about what kind of sabotage he might get up to and how you can prepare for it.

You will need money stashed out of his reach, a fair amount of it both for housekeeping and solicitor's fees in case he tries to deny your access to it.

I'm very, very sorry for what you are going through and what you will be enduring. Today is the day for panic and shock, and taking comfort from your friend's presence. Tomorrow is for making plans to secure your future and that of your children.

BitOutOfPractice · 05/10/2014 16:29

Oh my goodness OP I am disgusted and horrified on yur behalf. You must feel poleaxed by this.

Echo what others have said. Protect you and the DCs. Take comfort, ging forward, of making sure that he sees not one penny out of this.

Well done on telling your friend. That was very brave and I hpe she can comfort you

Try and eat. Litte bites here and there will sustain you

Don't changethe locks but lock the front door from the inside and use the back door. Don't let him surprise you

ThisIsSylviaDaisyPouncer · 05/10/2014 16:29

I'm really sorry OP. Although it's geared more towards people whose partner's affair starts on a more emotional basis, Shirley glass 'not just friends' is very good on the practicalities in the aftermath of an affair.

JaneFonda · 05/10/2014 17:28

OP, I'm so sorry to hear this - how awful for you.

Just remember you have the support of all of us on here, if ever you need comforting, or just distracting from what's going on.

Original poster
Someonestolemyname · 05/10/2014 17:32

Anyfucker - no no weekends/business trips until now. I'm 99%sure of his whereabouts even this weekend though. Seen too many emails between him and various colleagues about it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Someonestolemyname · 05/10/2014 17:33

Haven't told him I know. He will ring tonight to speak to kids. I need to get everything sorted before I blow.

OP posts:
Sickoffrozen · 05/10/2014 17:46

Why would anyone having an affair take screenshots of incriminating evidence? How stupid can you be!

Gives you all the evidence you need to get rid and divorce quickly.

No coming back from this one is there.

Original poster
Someonestolemyname · 05/10/2014 17:49

Sickoffrozen - I know. That's actually one of the things that keeps going through my head constantly. How he could be so fucking thick.
I hate him.
Ughhhh, hate that he's probably been reading them again and getting off to it. Sick. Can't believe this is the man I adored :(

OP posts:
Christmascandles · 05/10/2014 18:04

So sorry op. I've been there, read the messages, seen the pics...

When I confronted him, which was within a couple of hours of discovery as I was fucking livid Angry I had the, deny, minimise, delete thing, which is what I discovered is part of the cheaters script who thought such a thing even existed

I went through emails and bank statements and found several memberships to things like POF, plenty more naught fish and other such delights. I found Global Personals detailed in bank statements.

Be ready for the fact that this may not be the first OW

Here to hold your hand until your friend arrives Thanks

Christmascandles · 05/10/2014 18:11

They all slip up eventually OP. My H thought he'd been clever deleting yahoo groups etc, but I think he forgot that I used to work on an IT help desk years ago and could uncover stuff if I needed to.

He also forgot to log out of his hotmail account, so when I clicked hotmail I was right into his in box, Urghh....

Drumdrum60 · 05/10/2014 18:20

What is wrong with people ? Has the world gone mad ? I am so sorry but glad you found out.

3littlefrogs · 05/10/2014 18:22

My (very clever) friend was able to work out an awful lot just from the credit card statements. Because the date, time and location is all on there she could see where he was travelling, what meals and drinks were purchased etc.

RedRoom · 05/10/2014 18:35

What a horrible shock for you. It's impossible to understand why any man with children and a wife would be selfish enough to risk everything for a shag. As for screen shotting them on an IPad that you and your children have access to - just casual beyond belief. I second the advice to drop a suitcase of his stuff at the house of someone he knows so that you don't have to see him until you feel ready to. I really hope you are as okay as it is possible to be in this situation and that friends and family can give you some support.

spanky2 · 05/10/2014 19:05

The night before you confront him put hair removal cream on his eyebrows. I was wondering wether you should open up a bank account in your own name and start transferring money into it.