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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

'D'H having affair

132 replies

Someonestolemyname · 05/10/2014 15:10

Hi. Long time lurker but occasional poster. Have created new account for this because worried name change might go wrong :(

I feel sick. Sicker than I ever have before.
H (I cannot call him DH because I want to kill him) has bought himself a new iPad. Left his old one here switched off and is away with work until Tuesday.
Ds asked to play FIFA on my iPad but I was using it so told him to grab his dad's old one. He handed it back after his few games and I decided to have a flick through photos to see what pics he'd got of the kids.

I found he had screen shotted dozens and dozens of messages from an email conversation with another woman. I immediately wanted to throw up. From what I could gather he's been seeing someone her since February. Maybe before. Disgusting messages between them discussing what they wanted to do to each other. And pictures. Fucking disgusting pictures.
Of his dick that he'd sent her and her boobs she'd sent him.
The next part truly sickens me. There were screen shots of a swinging website where they seem to have an account together. They are 'verifying' him for being a good guy and saying how much they enjoyed the meet with him and her.
I want to curl up and die.
Thought we were happy. We are financially comfortable, enjoy our jobs, spend time with each other, gave a lovely house. I could go on. I thought we were so lucky to have such a nice life together.
My poor beautiful dc's. How could he do this to us.

OP posts:
Original poster
Someonestolemyname · 06/10/2014 09:47

Thank you all for your kind messages. I still feel numb. My friend is here she got the DC dressed and to school. They are delighted to have her here and have no idea what is about to happen to them. She has been great. I couldn't have got through last night without her.

Part of me just wishes that I had never looked. Then I would still be happy.

I don't think he wanted me to find out. I think he just thought that everything would be transferred over to the new ipad and all his dirty little screenshots too. He actually asked me how it worked and I explained something about icloud allowing things to be transferred between devices. How foolish I was - I thought he meant his contacts/emails etc

He rang to speak to the dc again this morning but I didn't speak to him, don't think he'd realise anything was wrong though as he often rings at inconvenient times when I'm trying to get everything ready for school.

I do the accounts for the business so I know he hasn't been squirelling money away.

Sorry if I haven;t answered all the questions. I just can't believe the man I loved could do this to us. I looked at the swinging site he was on with her last night. Made me feel sick all over again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Someonestolemyname · 06/10/2014 09:48

jnl0612 - He won't talk his way out of it? How could he?

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 06/10/2014 10:01

Extraordinary. What was he thinking. What a piece of work. Glad you have rl support, your friend sounds a true friend in a crisis. So sorry OP.

Mandatorymongoose · 06/10/2014 10:09

Thinking of you OP. Sounds a bit stupid but do remember to eat something when you can. You need your energy to deal with the emotional stuff Thanks

middlethird · 06/10/2014 10:12

oh, OP. I'm so sorry Flowers sending you strength xxx

Asteria · 06/10/2014 10:17

How sickening. When is he due to come home someone? Can your DC go for a sleepover with friends so you can get the initial venting out of the way without them in the house? The last thing you need it to worry about them waking up whilst you are venting your spleen and letting the rage (that will arrive shortly after the numbness you are currently experiencing subsides) out.
You have a tough time ahead but you will survive this and probably be stronger for it.

Jan45 · 06/10/2014 10:46

Keep hold of that disgust, that will be what gets you through this and away form this disgusting excuse of a husband, you now know what he's all about and now you can move on and find a man who doesn't have any grubby secrets, I feel sick on your behalf, please don't listen to his excuses and was just a laugh crap - sorry but you don't have any other choice now apart from getting away from him asap.

PeppermintPasty · 06/10/2014 10:56

I'm so sorry.

Re storing the sordid stuff on his phone, I think this is quite common. I think that people who cheat are often able to detach their little world and they are so bloody arrogant and entitled that they think no one would ever find out. He sounds like he is in his own little bubble, the thoughtless selfish wanker.

MLP · 06/10/2014 13:23

Truly awful. Would really encourage you to get to a solicitor ASAP. Today if possible. You really want to make sure you take the right steps, especially as you and your H are in business together and you don't want to be screwed financially as well. Stay clear of the booze- it won't help.

kaykayblue · 06/10/2014 13:45

OP - I agree that maybe you could ask your friend to get the kids out of the way around the time this piece of shit is meant to be coming home.

My personal view would be to leave a note on the front door saying "Use back door" then lock it, and chain it. Hell, barricade it if you need to.

On the back door, cello tape a print out of whatever youj find the most disgusting, incriminating thing you found. Beneath it, attach a note saying "Take your bag and go fuck yourself. We WILL be divorcing on grounds of infidelity because of this. Don't worry, I rang your mum. She is expecting you."

Leave a bag with some random shit of his outside the back door.

Make sure everything is absolutely locked down tight, all windows are closed, and switch off the lights. Pretend that no-one is there. Hide upstairs.

When you see him arriving, ring his mother and say "oh hello MIL. Just to let you know that I've found a veritable LIBRARY of EXPLICIT pictures and messages between your son and another woman, not to mention the fact he's been going to swinging sex clubs with her. I am, of course, throwing him out, so don't be surprised if he turns up on your doorstep. Bye now." Then hang up.

No doubt she will ring him immediately.

bananamilkshake1 · 06/10/2014 15:32

I'm so sorry OP.

Your story brings back a sickening memory of my own break up - my ex & OW were swinging together & it turns out he had an STI - one he now has for life. Happily, as we were having zero sex at the time, I escaped - but trust me, get a check done.

Stupidhead · 06/10/2014 15:34

Totally agree with KayKay.

AliceDoesntLiveHereAnymore · 06/10/2014 15:35

Be prepared for minimising, lying, and ultimately him putting the blame on you for some of it (you weren't caring enough, you ignored him, blah blah blah) because that's often the first thing they come out with. Denial, minimising, then blaming. It's all bollocks, but they do it anyway. Even in the face of absolute proof, he'll just turn around and blame her and say she was chasing him and he was trying to avoid her. Not quite sure why the wiring in their brains is shorted in this regard, but it seems to be rather universal.

Just remember, he would likely not EVER confessed to this. The only reason he'll be crying or feeling badly is because his plan was for you not to know and now he'll be feeling sorry for himself. The only reason you know this was because you stumbled on it by accident - how long has it been going on and how long would it continue (most likely indefinitely) if you hadn't found it? And what if your ds had found the pictures?? He has not even considered that, I'll bet. What an utter twat. If he turns on the waterworks, do NOT feel sorry for him.

Hope you're okay, glad your friend is there for you.

Happyharriet · 06/10/2014 15:41

Exactly the same thing happened to me - perfect husband, perfect life - so I thought - found cookies on pc linking him to a swinging website……I made the biggest mistake of my life - I confronted him and let him stay - it was just before Christmas, 2 young children etc. . Needless to say, 3 years (and 2 more discovered affairs) later we were divorced anyway but I had lost the moral high ground and he had time to turn friends and family against me - can't tell you what to do, but I know what I WISH I had done at the time.

Captainbarnacles1101 · 06/10/2014 15:54

I'm so so sorry op. It is totally devastating to discover the Man U love and the respectable father of ur children is actually a sex crazy idiot. U need to do the STI check and do not confront untill u know exactly what u want. Please don't let him wriggle out of this Sending positive thoughts and strength ur way cxx

Original poster
Someonestolemyname · 06/10/2014 16:57

He knows I know.
Couldn't take it anymore. Sent some of the 'worst' screenshots back to him with a message just saying I know.
I've switched my mobile off and unplugged the house phone.
I've packed his stuff into some suitcases and left them outside.
I've packed some of mine and dc's things and I'm heading to my mums. She lives in the next town. Dc's are so excited for a sleepover at nanas. I don't know how I'm going to tell them.
My friend called in a favour and got a locksmith friend of hers around here earlier so he can't get in. I've got all our documents birth certs, passports, marriage cert, got all the files with bank statements in.
I feel strangely calm and functional. Friend has a friend who is a solicitor, she has kindly offered to come and see me tonight.

OP posts:
ThinkIveBeenHacked · 06/10/2014 17:00

You are an absoloute trouper. Stay strong. Dont feel bad if you end up having a cry, but dont mistake them as tears of doubt - they are just shock at such a big event happening.

Tell your mum. Dont try and protect him.

Original poster
Someonestolemyname · 06/10/2014 17:01

Kaykay - I actually laughed at your message. Didn't think I could laugh. I actually like my mil though. Think she's one of the better ones. This will break her as well.
Bananamilkshake- so sorry you went through that x friend has booked me an appt at a clinic. I feel so humiliated to have to go through that.

I haven't actually spoken to him since I found out. Nor do I want to. I don't want to hear him try to deny it. There no denying ANY of it.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 06/10/2014 17:03

So sorry but so impressed with your organisation etc....stay on auto pilot for now as much as is humanly possible....

You obviously have some wonderful friends and family who care so much.

Thinking of you Thanks

jnl0612 · 06/10/2014 17:03

I didn't mean talk his way out of it I meant the whole turning things round, men are great at that
You are a total trooper, your kids are lucky to have such a level headed mum like yo Grin

HeySoulSister · 06/10/2014 17:09

Just check with the solicitor where you stand regarding changing the locks. You sound well rid of him

chickydoo · 06/10/2014 17:12

Have just read your thread. You might feel awful, but you are acting in such a calm & rational way. Make him squirm, make him wait. Only confront him when you are really ready.
You have an army of mumsnetters behind you.

Mama1980 · 06/10/2014 17:15

I have nothing to add to all the excellent advice you have already been given. Just wanted to add my support and say I'm thinking of you. Stay strong x

tiredvommachine · 06/10/2014 17:16

Stay strong lovely Flowers

Darkesteyes · 06/10/2014 17:38

I think you are doing brilliantly OP. You have been given great advice on here.

Wishing you continued strength. Thanks