Have reached an impasse with DH. WWYD?

[SandandSeaweed]

Have been together 8 years, married for 3. Have two DCs - 3 year old and 6 month old. Happy on the whole but we cannot resolve this one issue (which is a pretty massive one!) and I don't know where we are going to go from here.

DH's work takes him away a lot and I hate it! By a lot I mean between 10-14 weeks per year for up to one week at a time, sometimes away for one week, back for a week and then away again. His trips take him all over the world (sometimes very long haul). I have been unhappy with this situation for a long time (basically since I was pregnant with DC1) and have made my feelings very clear. We don't have any family near (or even close friends very near) so when he is away I have no support, apart from neighbours who I know would help out in an emergency. For the past few years my parents have generally come to stay with us when he is away but this is not sustainable as we live in a two bed flat, can't put them up properly and there is only so much I want to ask of them as they are getting older and things are more difficult now with two DCs. I also have a chronic illness and whilst I am well most of the time I can suffer from fatigue and lethargy. It's just all too much for me really.

I have lost count of how many conversations we have had about him getting another job but even though they generally end with him saying yes you're right I need to get another job he never does anything about it so really his words amount to very little. I know he loves his job on many levels - he really enjoys the work, has made the job his own, has lots of respect from colleagues and bosses. Apart from the trips abroad it is, in many respects, the perfect job for him. He has had two pay rises this year so they are very keen to keep him and he says this makes it harder for him to get an equivalent job elsewhere. I probably should also say he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety last year and that has obviously complicated matters hugely though he seems a lot better now and says he is feeling better.

None of the above changes the way I feel about him going away though and the thought of living this lifestyle indefinitely fills me with dread. It's not just him being away either, it also has a knock-on effect on our time together as he is often knackered or jet lagged when he is here and whilst I understand this it can get me down too - I want to get out and do things as a family while we can. I hate the lack of control I have - I feel that there is absolutely nothing I can say or do which will change this situation and that fills me with resentment and anger. I am wondering what the best thing to do now is because DC1 starts school next year and we do need more living space. We can't afford to move to a house where we currently are so I have been thinking recently should I just accept things the way they are now and move closer to DH's work? I broached this subject with DH at the weekend and he seemed quietly very pleased but the more I have thought about it the more I think such a move would basically be an agreement that he will stay in the job indefinitely, although I think maybe he intends to do this anyway. But if I won't move and he won't change jobs how will our lives go forward?

WWYD? I would really appreciate any input you may have, especially from those who have been/are in a similar position.

If you're not close to your family why don't you want to move? Particularly if moving would mean you could have a bigger house?

I guess because moving close to his work would be admitting that he could continue in his job which would mean him continuing to go away.

Also, honestly, I'm scared of moving because initially at least when he is away I would be completely on my own in an area where I don't know anyone.

If he's not willing to find another job with less or no travel then you'll have to find a way to make it work. My own feeling is that you should be able to manage with him being away for a week at a time without having your parents come to stay every time. Is it because of your illness that you need a hand from them or that you don't like being on your own with the children?

Perhaps moving to a larger property and getting an au pair to help out might be one solution.

It may be no comfort to you but thousands of women live the kind of life you do. My own father was sometimes away for months at a time, and that was back in the days when we had no home phone to keep in touch. Mum had her own life, her own friends, her own interests.

"Also, honestly, I'm scared of moving because initially at least when he is away I would be completely on my own in an area where I don't know anyone."

Honestly, with a three year old and a six month old you won't not know anyone for long. Kids are magnets for drawing people in. They often have busier social lives than the adults. And you tag along, meeting new parents along the way all the time.

It's both of those things. I feel the responsibility of being on my with the DCs especially if one of them were to get ill. Also my illness can flare so I worry that if I get too exhausted I will get seriously ill again.

I know lots of women live this kind of my life but part of me thinks that if we don't have to live this life then why should we? Shouldn't we as a family be striving for something that works for all of us, including DCs, not just for DH?

Hadn't thought about the au pair solution, that's definitely something to consider thanks.

My DH works away a lot (most days then travel and overnights for about half of his working life). My DC are already at school and honestly that structure (and constant busyness) means I do find it OK. I miss him a lot but a part of me (and I have to admit to having been a single parent previously) does relish my chunks of time 'alone' (dd's in bed the house is mine). I find I go to bed earlier on my own mostly.
I am trying to bring h around to the idea of living nearer the office as it happens (coincidentally nearer my family). As much as he loves his job (loads he thrives on it, which I am a little envious of with no calling of my own), he doesn't want to be nearer the office (it's the stuff he does when away he got into it for).
As your health is a problem and his career is moving forwards a couple of questions:
Would the house move save significant travel time?
Can you afford a cleaner to take some of the physical effort away from you?

Hi OP, your DH doesn't work in telecoms does he? My DH is away for roughly 4/5 months each year in weekly 'slots'.

He alternates Europe, Asia, America and repeats again so jet lag is horrendous.

When ours were little it was very difficult but it definitely gets easier. I have no family locally either.

His job is secure, well-paid with lots of perks that we benefit from as a family and now that ours are all teenagers I can even consider joining him on the odd trip.

I do miss him when he's away but I don't resent it and I honestly think our marriage is stronger if anything because we enjoy his time back home even more and make up for what we have lost

Another perk, and I cannot lie, are the air miles. We accumulate enough Virgin Airmiles to keep us topped up throughout the year in wine club produce

It must be so much harder while they are little. I had to cope with 4 under 5 years at one point. But I promise it gets easier.

Would finances stretch to a bit if help such as a cleaner or help with the ironing?

I really feel for you. We have a 4 year old and 6 month old and I do a disproportionate amount of the parenting because of DHs work hours and travel (and know what you mean about time he is home being too tired).

Re: moving. Would moving closer to his current work also mean moving closer to other potential jobs if he did change employer? You don't have support where you are, and would be looking at a better house, so where are the negatives?

That said, it avoids the issue somewhat, you are unhappy that he is making empty promises about changing your family lifestyle by changing jobs. You want him to prioritise you and the children and the quality of your family life over his love of his job (or fear of leaving it). You need to sit down with him and ask for honesty. If he wants to stay in the job, he needs to make it clear. It might be that you can come to terms with that and find a way to make the best of it, or it might be that you feel you cannot, and want to make the clear to him to see if it makes a difference to his choice.

I don't want to make this about me, but I know there are days when I think what's the point of being in a partnership when I feel like his cook, cleaner and au pair to his children. I am paid well, but hardly have a relationship because his job takes so much of his time and energy. However at other times, when I see through the fog of having young children and I see at things will be like when they are a little older and I won't feel as resentful for doing it all of it because there just won't be as much to do. Time we do have together will be more about us and quality, not based on broken sleep and cleaning up after a weaning, teething, nappy clad baby.

Only you know where your boundaries are though, and maybe this time when they are young is when you want him to be here the most.

You've not really come to terms with the way your particular family is run.

You need a nanny/au pair and your own life - hobbies, interests.

Or you're going to become resentful at you doing everything.

I'm going to assume your dh's fab job pays amazingly and that he's generally a good guy not actively avoiding family life.

I would be very pissed off if I was you.

He knows you struggle, he knows you are ill and he knows that if you were ill when he is away then your children could suffer, yet he still does nothing about it?

If you want to remain married to him and can see yourself staying in this situation then I would be inclined to have a "cards on the table" conversation.

"OK. I am very pissed off at your selfishness regarding work. Either you change jobs or........" and then you put down what you need for this to be a workable situation. So I would suggest moving to a bigger house, having a live in au pair/mothers help/nanny so you have immediate cover for when you are ill.

But honestly, someone who was more interested in their foreign jollies than their wifes health or their children welfare would not be someone I would want to be married to.

Is there the possibility that your dh will get promoted in the future meaning he won't always travel as much?

I agree with getting practical help such as a cleaner or au pair. Enjoying your job and being successful is worth a lot tbf.

I think you've had some good suggestions on here - it's fine for you to have doubts and worries and you need an outlet to worth through them.

Bogeyface what a daft comment!

Spending week after week shuttling between hotels and airports and conference centres is hardly going on a 'jolly'.

My DH certainly has a lot if job satisfaction but can spend a week in one country not seeing daylight. It's not glamorous!

Yes the house move would mean that he would probably get home from the office in the evenings a lot sooner - currently usually gets home after 7 by which time DCs are in bed anyway.

House move would also definitely mean I would have to give up my job and not go back after maternity leave because it would be too far to travel to work, whereas I can still get to work from where we live now - although finding childcare whilst he is away will be problematic as I work shifts. Parents always came down to look after DC1 when he was away before I had DC2. It would be too much for them with 2 DCs.

Yes we could afford cleaner.

I think a big question here is whether or not he has the kind of salary (or potential for progression to such a salary) where this 'comes with the territory' and you can therefore afford to either buy in some help or have a lifestyle where you benefit indirectly from this arrangement.

But if the salary is mediocre and it is affecting your health and family life, then, well, it needs to be reconsidered.

OP is your DH aware of just how much you are struggling? Have you been open with him about it? What does he say?

Ok so jolly was a rather flippant way of putting it, but lets be honest if he didnt love it then he would be more amenable to change and he isnt. Regardless of what he gets out of it, he is putting his job ahead of his wife and family and thats not right.

Has he always done this kind of work since you've known him? Depending on his work area, e.g. if he works for an international aid agency it may not be very easy to get a different job as other employers may not think his experience is transferable.
I think there have been some very good suggestions here e.g. getting help in the house & developing independent interests & activities so that you are not always waiting for him to come back.

If they are keen to keep him, can he negotiate less travel time/more holiday time instead of more pay rises? Can he work from home more when he is home?

How likely is your DP to find a job doing the same thing, paying the same without the travel?

My DP travels too. I also have a chronic condition, along with a multitude of other health things. It sucks being on my own and I wish he wouldn't go. He wouldn't be happy doing anything else, though, and I'd be miserable by default because he'd be hating it.

We compromise by him having realistic expectations of what will get done while he is away, and helping me when he gets back. He doesn't let travel affect him too much, so we get time together. I've been meaning to get a cleaner, too, but haven't got round to it.

Would a compromise work? Could you move closer to friends/family whilst still being closer to his work?

Seagull - no, not telecoms - engineering.

we had a case full of wine delivered today ??

Strawberry - if we move close to his work there would be no other potential employers/jobs nearby - we would almost certainly have to move again if he did find something else which I would be reluctant to do if DCs were settled in school. That's why moving would seem such a commitment to us continuing the lifestyle we have now.

I do have my own life here - know loads of other mums, playgroups etc maybe I painted a picture of lonesome Mum with nothing much going on.

And yes it does pay well just not the ridiculous salary it would require for us to have a house where we live now (London).

A lot of how you move forward would depend (if I were in your shoes) on what the deal was before you got married or before you had dc. If you always accepted his travelling as part of his work prior to having dc and never discussed changing it then it's kind of unfair to expect him to change now.

But if you've always expressed a preference for him travelling less and he agreed then he's led you down the garden path and now you're stuck in a situation you didn't expect to be in.

I don't think moving nearer his work is a good idea, especially if you're expected to give up your work to do that. Assuming you want to keep working I think you'd be best to ensure you have options that aren't wholly reliant on your dh. Otherwise you run the risk of becoming all the more 'trapped' in this position.

It's sounds awful SandandSeaweed. I'm not surprised you are pissed off. I agree with Bogeyface. He gets to swan off and leave the most important job of raising your children entirely at your feet. From this he gets the status and respect from his job and plenty of sympathy and understanding on his return because of the jet lag and obviously him working ever so hard. You, however, are not really getting much out of this arrangement and he appears to be unwilling to even acknowledge that.

Resentful is a perfectly valid feeling for this situation. All the solutions you have come up with involve you compromising. Where is he meeting you in the middle? Why is he not willing to change his life now that he has a family?

Perhaps the most important question you should think about is at what point will enough be enough? What happens if the situation doesn't change?

And it's grossly unfair he is putting it on you to sort out childcare while he is away and you have to work. They are his children too. What would he do if you weren't around?

I don't think it matters what they thought before DC - the current situation is making one party in the marriage unhappy and therefore needs to be fixed.

No one can really "imagine" life with DC before they have them to the extent they should be held to that picture, surely?!

BogeyFace - in my more angry moments your post sums up how I feel.

DH hasn't always done this job since we met, no. I have always been very honest about the struggle it is for me, how tired I get, how relentless it is but on the other hand I do cope and get on with it and he sees me doing that. He always says that he wants me to be happy and that he will start looking for jobs but then doesn't. I don't think he dares be completely honest as he is fearful of what may happen if he is.

And no I don't think it would be that easy for him to get a job comparable - he went to a careers advisor recently (after much nagging) who said he has to be very careful because what he has now he has worked to make so good for himself (ironically making it so good whilst I was suggesting he look for other jobs!)

I think what I struggle with is that we have sort of fallen into this rather than planned it. I thought that when we had children he would hate the travel and that would impel him to find something else - but clearly that was my plan, not his! It's not a joint agreement and I think marriage should be based on that.

Thanks for the suggestions, it's really useful to get other people's thoughts and questions.

In which case I'd say definitely do not move nearer his work. Can you use the return from mat leave conversation as a spring board for a 'things need to change' talk? Get him to come up with some realistic options for his future career. You can't be expected to shoulder the burden of raising your family disproportionately for the foreseeable future. Can you explain to him that the resentment will be detrimental to your future happiness.

You sound like right now your options are to keep nagging (your word) him to change job, or accept it. The option for him to act and change jobs is ruled out by his inaction. You aren't suggesting you'd do anything to force him to move (I.e leaving him not an option). If he won't change jobs how will you feel? Can you accept feeling this anxious and miserable for years? Or can you change your own feelings in the matter, try and enjoy life regardless?