Have reached an impasse with DH. WWYD?

[SandandSeaweed]

Have been together 8 years, married for 3. Have two DCs - 3 year old and 6 month old. Happy on the whole but we cannot resolve this one issue (which is a pretty massive one!) and I don't know where we are going to go from here.

DH's work takes him away a lot and I hate it! By a lot I mean between 10-14 weeks per year for up to one week at a time, sometimes away for one week, back for a week and then away again. His trips take him all over the world (sometimes very long haul). I have been unhappy with this situation for a long time (basically since I was pregnant with DC1) and have made my feelings very clear. We don't have any family near (or even close friends very near) so when he is away I have no support, apart from neighbours who I know would help out in an emergency. For the past few years my parents have generally come to stay with us when he is away but this is not sustainable as we live in a two bed flat, can't put them up properly and there is only so much I want to ask of them as they are getting older and things are more difficult now with two DCs. I also have a chronic illness and whilst I am well most of the time I can suffer from fatigue and lethargy. It's just all too much for me really.

I have lost count of how many conversations we have had about him getting another job but even though they generally end with him saying yes you're right I need to get another job he never does anything about it so really his words amount to very little. I know he loves his job on many levels - he really enjoys the work, has made the job his own, has lots of respect from colleagues and bosses. Apart from the trips abroad it is, in many respects, the perfect job for him. He has had two pay rises this year so they are very keen to keep him and he says this makes it harder for him to get an equivalent job elsewhere. I probably should also say he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety last year and that has obviously complicated matters hugely though he seems a lot better now and says he is feeling better.

None of the above changes the way I feel about him going away though and the thought of living this lifestyle indefinitely fills me with dread. It's not just him being away either, it also has a knock-on effect on our time together as he is often knackered or jet lagged when he is here and whilst I understand this it can get me down too - I want to get out and do things as a family while we can. I hate the lack of control I have - I feel that there is absolutely nothing I can say or do which will change this situation and that fills me with resentment and anger. I am wondering what the best thing to do now is because DC1 starts school next year and we do need more living space. We can't afford to move to a house where we currently are so I have been thinking recently should I just accept things the way they are now and move closer to DH's work? I broached this subject with DH at the weekend and he seemed quietly very pleased but the more I have thought about it the more I think such a move would basically be an agreement that he will stay in the job indefinitely, although I think maybe he intends to do this anyway. But if I won't move and he won't change jobs how will our lives go forward?

WWYD? I would really appreciate any input you may have, especially from those who have been/are in a similar position.

OP, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but the issue is you, not your DHs job. You are unhappy because you are lonely, and isolated and you have suffered with depression and anxiety, I have too and I know how crippling it is. Your DH getting another job is not going to fix everything and make you happy overnight.

Would you feel this way about his job is you had a close groups of friends nearby, or strong family support? It can be incredibly isolating with two little ones, but only you can take steps to make your time more fulfilling. There must be groups or classes nearby that you could take the little ones to? 14 weeks out of 52 really isn't so bad, especially if it's only a week at a time. My husband works overseas for 2 or 3 weeks at a time, and it's not ideal but I would never ask him to change a job he loves because I'm feeling down or lonely. He would end up resenting me, and I have no right to make that call.

I do wonder if, had it been you posting saying how much you loved your job but your husband was nagging you to leave because he was lonely and had suffered with depressing, the responses would have been very different.

OP, I mean this in the nicest possible way, but the issue is you, not your DHs job. You are unhappy because you are lonely, and isolated and you have suffered with depression and anxiety, I have too and I know how crippling it is. Your DH getting another job is not going to fix everything and make you happy overnight.

Would you feel this way about his job is you had a close groups of friends nearby, or strong family support? It can be incredibly isolating with two little ones, but only you can take steps to make your time more fulfilling. There must be groups or classes nearby that you could take the little ones to? 14 weeks out of 52 really isn't so bad, especially if it's only a week at a time. My husband works overseas for 2 or 3 weeks at a time, and it's not ideal but I would never ask him to change a job he loves because I'm feeling down or lonely. He would end up resenting me, and I have no right to make that call.

I do wonder if, had it been you posting saying how much you loved your job but your husband was nagging you to leave because he was lonely and had suffered with depressing, the responses would have been very different.

well that's the trouble with the internet and being anonymous. people can say whatever they want with absolutely no consequences or having to deal with the hurt and pain that their words cause.

sandandseaweed is actually ill, but even if she wasn't, so what that others have it worse or are coping? so what? she isn't! so constructive advice and a little sympathy goes a lot further than harsh words.

Wow. Lovely.

Don't worry OP, that's not how most people think

Dear SandAndSeaweed,

I'm wondering if your engineer husband is in F1 - the number of trips and their duration seem to fit, plus you described it as an exciting and fast-based environment. My XH is in that line of work, though UK based, and there is no way he would ever voluntarily give it up. Eventually, he divorced me because I got fed up with relocating myself and DD every few years as he changed teams. Prior to that he had worked some distance from home for a few years, so I was effectively a single parent as he did bugger all when he was back at the weekends.

There are no simple answers, I'm afraid. I don't really think it gets easier as children get older; it just gets different. Although it is less physically tiring (i.e they sleep better) teenagers can make for a very unsettled emotional atmosphere which in itself causes stress. All I can suggest is counselling, but I wouldn't recommend Relate - other counsellors are available and better trained. In the meantime, use the money to get as much help for yourself as you can. A teenager to play with your children for an hour a few times a week sounds a marvellous idea, and you can use the internet for grocery shopping and get people to do ironing.

Hope you manage to work it out.

I know where you're coming from. My DH has a job that means he travels a similar amount to yours, and often the trips are at short notice which means cancelled plans etc. Mine had to spend 3 weeks on Australia when I was nearly eight months pregnant, I still remember the very minute he told me about that trip! I know also that long haul is more disruptive. You count on there being two of you the day he's back but actually he's struggling with jet lag so it takes out more days than you'd bargained for. Personally I find those days are harder, when he's not there I don't expect him to help, but when he is, I do, even if he's tired. I couldn't comment, obviously, on the rest of your relationship and what else might be at play here, and obviously my husband isn't yours but for what it's worth (because believe me, I have deeply resented his job, but I have made a kind of peace with it):

it does get easier when the kids are bigger, really, truly it does. The stage you're at is the worst but you will get your own routine with the DC, they will get used to having DH away and they will be just a little bit more independent (my DC are bigger then yours but not really big and we have a completely different but completely normal routine when DH is away and have done for some time)
what are the chances of a new job also requiring travel? Some careers do, it's the whole line of work not just the company, so even if he moved, would it actually give you what you'd like? Again, my DH isn't yours, but I have to accept that a new job for him is just different travel, it'll never be no travel. We're on job 3 of our marriage, all with travel, his, not mine.
If this is really the only thing as your original post suggests, can you (both - and the both bit is really important) put your energies into how that time he has to spend away can be easier for you so, can his family help out as well as yours? Do you have a babysitter - or can you find one - so that you can have something you do regularly that can carry on regardless when he's away? What do you need from him when he's back? Do you need some time (evenings, weekends, etc) away so you can have a break?
Are there some dates/ times that you really need him home that he can stick to - and yes that might be a difficult conversation for him at work from time to time,( but in my world it's nothing more than I do when I have to do all the sick child cover when he's away because there's no-one I can share it with)
Can you still speak to him properly when he's away? Time zones can be a challenge and to be honest after a full on day there are times I'd rather have a nice quiet evening by myself rather than a call. But it is important to know that if something comes up that you need to talk through with him, that there'll be a way to do that.

I wouldn't necessarily recommend moving closer to his work, unless that works for you all for other reasons, the issue is the travel but not the commute, right? So moving closer won't change that and you'll lose your support network. Sure you'll get another one but the effort is maybe not what you need right now.

A big thing is how much he likes his job, sounds like he's doing really well and he's obviously well regarded (why does it matter how it got it? Seems irrelevant?). He doesn't sound like he really wants to change - and to be honest, if he loves it as you say and he's getting on well I'm not surprised he doesn't - so you probably need to both focus on how to make it work for you. It's hard because actually the travel is probably quite gruelling for him too, so he may well not get how hard it is to be left at home - I know this has been a recurring theme for me, but don't feel guilty, you're doing a full time job at home, you need a break as much as he does.

Your comment about "lack of control" struck a chord with me. You can't take control by insisting he leave a job you say he loves. But there are lots of other ways you can get some control back. Best of luck, and remember you are definitely not the only one with a travelling husband, not matter what your current circle of friends makes you feel.

Tough one. My DH is generally away over night two nights a week. Always EU or UK though. However we don't have any family nearby or anyone who would help in an emergency so when he is away I am completely and utterly IT!

I have a 3yo and a 5yo.
I completely understand how you feel. I felt the burden of responsibility a lot when my youngest was a baby. I struggled to sleep when DH was away. I also worried like crazy about anything happening to me while he was away. I'm sure you know the feeling.

I accept DHs job. His position is very senior and he worked hard to get there. As a fami we enjoy many financial perks because of it and lead an amazing lifestyle.

However I don't have a chronic illness which I could see being the deciding factor for me.

Any chance of multi generational living in a new home?? Or you and DH buy a house with annex for your parents in an area suitable for schools and his work?
Lots of people do this now. Not just for financial benefits of house + annex = cheaper than two houses but also because of the need for grandparents or extended family for work and other reasons.

Worth some further thought I think.