Have reached an impasse with DH. WWYD?

[SandandSeaweed]

Have been together 8 years, married for 3. Have two DCs - 3 year old and 6 month old. Happy on the whole but we cannot resolve this one issue (which is a pretty massive one!) and I don't know where we are going to go from here.

DH's work takes him away a lot and I hate it! By a lot I mean between 10-14 weeks per year for up to one week at a time, sometimes away for one week, back for a week and then away again. His trips take him all over the world (sometimes very long haul). I have been unhappy with this situation for a long time (basically since I was pregnant with DC1) and have made my feelings very clear. We don't have any family near (or even close friends very near) so when he is away I have no support, apart from neighbours who I know would help out in an emergency. For the past few years my parents have generally come to stay with us when he is away but this is not sustainable as we live in a two bed flat, can't put them up properly and there is only so much I want to ask of them as they are getting older and things are more difficult now with two DCs. I also have a chronic illness and whilst I am well most of the time I can suffer from fatigue and lethargy. It's just all too much for me really.

I have lost count of how many conversations we have had about him getting another job but even though they generally end with him saying yes you're right I need to get another job he never does anything about it so really his words amount to very little. I know he loves his job on many levels - he really enjoys the work, has made the job his own, has lots of respect from colleagues and bosses. Apart from the trips abroad it is, in many respects, the perfect job for him. He has had two pay rises this year so they are very keen to keep him and he says this makes it harder for him to get an equivalent job elsewhere. I probably should also say he was diagnosed with depression and anxiety last year and that has obviously complicated matters hugely though he seems a lot better now and says he is feeling better.

None of the above changes the way I feel about him going away though and the thought of living this lifestyle indefinitely fills me with dread. It's not just him being away either, it also has a knock-on effect on our time together as he is often knackered or jet lagged when he is here and whilst I understand this it can get me down too - I want to get out and do things as a family while we can. I hate the lack of control I have - I feel that there is absolutely nothing I can say or do which will change this situation and that fills me with resentment and anger. I am wondering what the best thing to do now is because DC1 starts school next year and we do need more living space. We can't afford to move to a house where we currently are so I have been thinking recently should I just accept things the way they are now and move closer to DH's work? I broached this subject with DH at the weekend and he seemed quietly very pleased but the more I have thought about it the more I think such a move would basically be an agreement that he will stay in the job indefinitely, although I think maybe he intends to do this anyway. But if I won't move and he won't change jobs how will our lives go forward?

WWYD? I would really appreciate any input you may have, especially from those who have been/are in a similar position.

Seagull - I could have written your post word for word about my DH and work...spooky.

Sandal - you can get used to them travelling. I actually enjoy the alone time. Perhaps it is not so much about time away as being happier with other aspects of life while he is away. Location, hobbies, etc, etc, or lack of might be pulling your down. It is also about what sort of quality time you get to spend together when he's home.

For what it's worth, if you find the right balance it can be fine, but on days when both DS are kicking off, job is stressing me out and the house looks like a tip, having him at home in those moments would be a huge relief to me too.

I agree that your DH's job could be a red herring here.

If I was unhappy with where I lived, or felt that I had been disproportionately burdens with caring responsibilities then it wouldn't matter how family-friendly or well-paid my DH's job is. I would still be deeply unhappy.

I think you have deeper concerns within your marriage and that his job (which is not that extraordinary to be honest in terms of working patterns and time spent away from the family home) is just a side-step.

Sorry OP not an easy answer

what Quitelikely said.
He has an exciting job he loves but you find the weeks he is away ( about one a month? ) difficult. And the aftermath - jet lag, fatigue etc. That's understandable but I think you have to suck it up while the kids are young

i think if you pressed for him to ditch his job for another more family friendly one he would be unhappy. Presumably this job brings financial rewards that are enjoyed by the family.

He has a job he loves so is v fortunate. Be happy for him. It gets much easier as the kids get older!

Sorry - haven't read all the replies, but I have a husband who works away a lot. It was very hard when the kids were young. Now they are tweens it is slightly easier, although the entire burden of parenting rests with me. As done running the house and me trying to work for myself. I spent years being resentful about it. We grew apart, he had an affair (easy to do when travelling a lot) and now we're working on our marriage. While he still travels a great deal, we have had far more frank conversations about what kind of life each of us wants and we are putting plans in place to try make that happen.

I think it would be worth you sitting down with your DH and asking what his ideal life looks like - where does he live, how much time does he spend working, how much time does he spend at home, what kind of things would he like to do in non-working time. You do the same.

The answers may surprise you. He might realise that what he actually wants is to be a farmer in Shropshire instead of a globe-trotting engineer! You both need to really think about what's important. So for example, if he quit this job so that he was home more often, but it meant that he had far less money and you had to make sacrifices, would you prefer that or could you live with him being away so that you can have the life you want.

If you're both wanting the same kind of life, then you can work together to make a plan to make that happen. If his ideal life is vastly different to your own, then you might to be on a hiding to nothing.

What stands out is that you are not working as a partnership. Two huge issues were decided separately: his job, decided by him; a second child, decided by you. It's all wrong that you don't make those enormous decisions together. You are not a team.

How does being a nag feel, do you enjoy it? Thought not. Total honesty is required here: about what he wants and what his intentions really are. His actions appear to make it clear what his intentions are... but that may not be what's really going on with him. Or it may.

But in a way you are your own jailer: you are afraid to go it alone; or move to a new, affordable, area. Which gives him all the power in this relationship. Perhaps when nagging is a big feature in a relatiinship it suggests the power balance is out of kilter: one has more power. OR one thinks the other has more power.

BUT - big but - he has been diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Which suggests things are out of kilter with him, too. He could, eg, feel similarly powerless to change the status quo. Perhaps you have both got into a powerless funk and are both looking to be rescued (by the other?).

Couples counselling, pronto.

But he had this job before you had children and you say he loves it. I think it is pretty unfair of you to ask him to give it up. He is hardly going away loads per year if each trip is only one week or shorter.

What JumpAndTwist said.

London living doesn't work for you so your only choice is to move. The two questions are when and where.

When: now is a brilliant time with your children the ages they are now. You'll make friends via your children more readily than any other way IME.

Where: somewhere that reduces your DH's commute so he can be home for bedtime when he's in the UK. It really doesn't have to be right next to his work.

CinnabarRed - The OP should only move if she can find work in the new area. She specifically said elsewhere that commuting to her current job when she finishes maternity leave would not be possible for her if she moves. Especially with all the added childcare responsibilities. The only way this situation could get worse would be if the OP were completely financially dependant on her husband.

thewrongmans - I'm not sure what decade you are typing from. So he had this job before they had kids? So what? There are a shit ton of things you might love doing before you have kids, which become inappropriate once children are on the scene. It's called PARENTAL RESPONSIBILITY. You can't just shoehorn it onto one parent and be all "well you know....I was doing this before we had kids too, so what's your problem?"

Again, I'll ask - the OP has been accepting a raw deal for YEARS now. When is it her husband's turn to step up the the plate?

Jasper - the OP has already said that the financial side of the job is not exactly breathtaking.

"i think if you pressed for him to ditch his job for another more family friendly one he would be unhappy. "

OP is unhappy.

"Presumably this job brings financial rewards that are enjoyed by the family."

OP has said not particularly.

My DH has always worked away a lot, DC are now 11 and 13. What I did when they were little included working out a routine that put bedtime at 8 o' clock. This meant when he was in the country and getting back at 7 he put them to bed. It also meant that afternoon naps stayed in place till they were four, giving me a much needed break in the afternoon if he was away. When DH was away I also used to arrange to have a teenager from our church come round to play with them for an hour after school once or twice a week. Fourteen year olds love the idea of earning extra cash by playing with little ones, and again it gave me some space, and gave the DCs something to look forward to when their dad was away.

As they get older there are other rewards too, we were able to all go to America for a week, only costing the food/ air fares for me and DC once because of a conference and we have had European city breaks paid for entirely by air miles and hotel points. I plan things round travel too - our recent evenings and weekends have all been doing things together, and I have sorting and curtain making planned for when he goes away for a fortnight this Sunday.

It is incredibly hard, but things do improve.

Me and the wife have both had to make massive changes to our employment after we had 2 unplanned children in quick succession.

It soon became apparent that me running two businesses and her career with long hrs and stays away from home along with a baby and a toddler needed more attention than our prospective working lives would allow...

So we talked and made adjustments and came up with a workable plan. I dropped a business and downsized the other and she switched employers, which means we have a little less money but it enables us work as a team and bring the kids up together... The baby and toddler stage as everyone knows is vey time consuming and intensive but it doesn't last forever and things may change again when they go to school...

When kids come into the picture both parents need to actively make positive changes so they are both involved in child rearing...

Reading this board it always baffles me what people both male and female put before their children and partners....

I don't understand why DH's hypothetical unhappiness on changing his job outweighs op's actual, real and present unhappiness.

Very few jobs are so unique that if you enjoy one, you couldn't find some elements of another to enjoy.

I don't know what the solution is, op, but you are not asking too much.

I have to say this thread has seriously depressed me. It says a lot for the state of equality that so many still think that it's totally acceptable for the lesser earner and main childcarer to have little or no agency when it comes to decisions like this.

Earning money is not more important or more difficult than raising children. Women (generally) are expected to completely rearrange their lives and take massive hits to their careers to facilitate having children, without complaint. But for some reason a woman is just supposed to accept that if a man had a certain work life before children, he shouldn't have to deviate from that path, and she has to fit her life around him? It's such bollocks. Good luck with sorting it op.

Yy, bunnies. Maybe OP loves her job too.

Sorry have only just seen the most recent replies. Much food for thought, thanks all.

Yes yes to sleep deprivation - am finding it so hard to think through the haze of exhaustion which of course makes matters so much worse. And yes because I'm on leave at the moment our lives are polar opposites - I'm stuck at home and he is not at home most of the time. He is very supportive of my returning to work for this reason - thinks I need a job for me and he is right.

I think there are 2 problems and the combination of them together makes this very hard to unpick - London life not working and his job. There is no obvious way - very often in life through thinking, talking, waiting or trying different things out solutions have almost presented themselves but with this one there is no obvious solution. I like the posts which suggested the questions where would you like to be in five years time? What does your ideal life look like? I think that is a good place to start.

Yes I agree the perfect time to move is now and it will only get harder as DCs settle into schools etc which is why things are coming to a head now I guess.

I also agree with posters saying that there are deeper concerns, the main one being that we are not working as a team (Springydaffs you may be spot on) He has said to me on more than one occasion 'I'm on your side' and I reply 'well why doesn't it feel like it then?' I have thought about couples counselling because the way we discuss things has become almost a template and not a good one. He can be difficult in a very understated way - is stubborn, takes things I say on board but in his own time and on his own terms and this is very frustrating. And because I feel so resentful and tired at the moment I don't always raise matters or even discuss them in the right way to the point where he has said that he feels everything I say is a criticism, he gets defensive and this doesn't lead to honesty! We talk a lot but not constructively. We need this to change now as it obviously sets the pattern for the future. If we can't work together to sort this now what about the other challenges that lie ahead? I've always been the planner and driving force in the relationship - buying the flat, sorting out holidays, suggesting the right time to have the DCs etc- and he has never made plans. He got his current job through an agency, it was never a specific goal, his career has just evolved which is why it's ironic that now career wise I have stalled (due to poor health, having DCs) and he is the one who has the deciding say in how our lives progress - by keeping his job or changing it. He has admitted that he feels the pressure of this enormously. He is definitely fearful of the future (and I think his depression and anxiety may be in part due to this and in turn are feeding it). Honestly, I don't feel so fearful - I want the next stage to be an adventure for us all but Springydaffs I guess you've outlined the two fears I do have - separation and moving near to his work so that then I will have essentially conceded everything for it. I want a third way - I know someone suggested moving somewhere not so close to his work but which would work for me too and I will definitely look into that.

Reading your reponses has made realise how many people do live this lifestyle and make it work. I don't know anyone at all who has a lifestyle like ours and so to me it is extraordinary. I have watched NCT/playgroup friends all move away/make adjustments to accommodate their new lives after DCs with comparative ease and wonder why we are yet to manage this transition - guess we are back to not working as a team....

So, next stage is a good proper talk and looking into couple counselling.

Thanks again.

PTSwife - your post resonated with me as I can see that may be us in the future but I want to forestall that sort of situation. the thought of feeling as resentful as I do now for many years to come saddens me. Good luck with working on your marriage.

Bunnies - that's in part why I have posted because I do think to myself often - am I really asking too much? and I wanted to know what people's opinions really are (can be hard in RL to get a yes/no answer to this question because friends/relations see DH's pov too) It's a very divisive question it seems.

the other thing that jumped out from your situation/problem is how similar it is to many others who have young children and whose partners DON'T work away from home much.!

The baby years are hard on relationships, are they not

I read through the thread wondering if your DH has some stress/pressure about being the major breadwinner that is partly blocking him being able to make a positive move to find another job. If he loves his job and feels pressured to retain it because its what brings the money in and he feels safe there and there is no clear agreed pan about where your partnership is heading, I can see why he isn't jumping to find another job.

In a way, you have jumped to a solution "DH gets another job" and now that itself is becoming the problem. As the major wage-earner myself, it can be very stressful to bring in the money and a suggestion to find another job can be very pressurising particularly in a vacuum of why and what and how that should all work out. Job hunting is hard work and if you aren't both fully bought into the overall plan and convinced of the benefits, it is tough!

I think your plan sounds really sensible. Look at what you both want, then at what you both need and then see what you can come up with at will satisfy your needs rather than the wants. At the moment, you want him to find another job and he clearly doesn't want to - you are at impasse. You need to feel less isolated, have more family time and have him present and mindful when he is around. What are his needs? Stack them alongside and see what you can create.

You are at a perilous lifestage - we were at our worst as a partnership when our kids were that age. It will get so much easier as the kids get older.

Good luck!

If your illness has a flare up, could you possibly pay for short-term help? Your illness seems to being left out in previous posts, that's why I mention it. I agree that it gets better as they get older, and that a move to the suburbs/commuter belt might be good.

I too have noticed that your illness isn't bring mentioned either here or seemingly not in your discussions / planning with your dh?

Illness is a game changer, especially when its a chronic / recurring illness. And too many people believe its something you can ignore or push through without consequence. You cannot discount your illness in your future plans.

Equally so you cannot discount the worry and anxiety that living with an illness can create. A few posters have questioned why you aren't just making the best of things, or why you're finding it so hard as other people do live in this way and cope. I would suggest that illness makes a massive difference.

One of your concerns is that your parents won't be able to step in and help in the future. You / together need to come up with a future plan that takes account of what would happen in a relapse, and also how to prevent there being a relapse.

OP, I find myself wondering about the difference between those mums whose partners work like yours and are ok with it, and those who aren't.

Perhaps it is a deeper thing than 'he won't change his job'?

Perhaps it is about the powerlessness of your position. Other than leaving what options do you have to get him to hear you?

Perhaps other DP's really value what their partners do? Are they conscious they get to do the job they love at their partners expense and act accordingly, with respect and love and esteem? Does he not truly face your unhappiness because he doesn't really care enough about it? Not if it means he has to do anything different?

If the underlying message is 'it doesn't matter how you feel, I'm not engaging with this, it's not important enough to me, suck it up', then that is dismissive of you as a person in your own right, and that is intolerable.

If he is somehow 'stuck' ( depression, fear etc) but otherwise values you deeply, then it's wholly different, despite looking the same on the surface.

I think this difference is majorly important.

You have the right to be heard and taken seriously because you matter. If he has no interest in your unhappiness beyond a theoretical 'yeah, I suppose it'd be better for you if I changed jobs, but I'm not going to do that, or even initiate a process whereby your life is improved in other ways, because it's not really important', then frankly I'd get out and figure out a way of making it work alone, because this disrespect will slowly destroy you.

Misc post is excellent.

You are also in limbo because he's said he'll do something different but hasn't changed. If he said "I really want to do this job, are there any ways we can try first to make it better eg working from home more when not travelling, splitting the overseas trips with a colleague etc" you'd have something to work with.

What do I think?

I think you should quit moaning and look at other people who really have problems. Honesty if you are not working and you cant manage two kids for a week at a time I think you are a bit weedy and needy really.

Your DH takes the financial responsibility, he has a good job and is well thought of. He enjoys it. Such positions are hard to come by

My advice. Put up, shut up and count your blessings

Dont suppose you will like this but honestly. Kids are hard work yes, but its not THAT difficult

What a horrible post to an ill, sleep deprived mother whose DH is not taking her concerns seriously.

Reported.