Married but not together?

[ReallyQuiteConfused]

Hiya, I've name changed for this but a regular poster.

To get to the long and short of it me and my dp have been together three years now (yesterday was our anniversary actually). Normally a loving but strange relationship.

Not to drip feed, he was married and has a ds, but hasn't been with his ex in four years however they still live together, he says he can't bear to be away from his son and that his ex has stopped contact when he did move out after we first got together. I've never met his ds though he has obviously met my dc. He's also never spent the night (which we have argued about a lot).

Thing is I trust him, or did, for a long time. He saved me from an extremely abusive relationship, he's taken care of me and my dc, he's been there when my whole world has fallen apart and generally just been a normal loving partner if you put aside the fact that he doesn't include me in his life. I've never met his family, friends and we never go out as a couple (tbf I don't have any child care and we've both been having money problems until recently).

But a conversation we had yesterday has suddenly turned everything upside down and I'm beginning to seriously question if he is who he says he is at all, and if I'm just his bit on the side.

I asked him about children, said that I was worried my contraception had failed cause I was feeling out of sorts and a bit sick recently. His reply was "I don't want it, I'm not having some kid come looking for me in 18 years and ruining my relationship with my son." I asked him what he meant since he said he wasn't going to be living with her forever, only while his son was still young and until they got their finances sorted out, which would be about now anyway. He wouldn't give me a straight answer, we had a massive argument about if he was still with his ex or not and he kept telling me he wasn't, that I was paranoid and walked out.

But I'm not so certain anymore. He said his wife still wears her wedding rings when they go somewhere together and meet family to stop awkward questions, so far as his family and hers are concerned they're still together (though I didn't know that til last night.)

I've been taken for a mug haven't I? If I'd known he was still in a relationship and not getting divorced like he told me I never would have gotten with him, I would never want to be a home wrecker nor put another woman through the pain of that.

I just don't know what to do. On one hand I want to believe him so badly, but on the other I feel like I shouldn't, because in all my naivety I feel an overwhelming guilt that I may have been allowing another woman's partner to cheat on her with me. And being brutally honest, not knowing shouldn't be an excuse, I sshouldn't have been so stupid or ignorant.

But could he be telling the truth? Maybe he really is separated from her? Or am I just the world biggest idiot who fell for the man who saved me and ignored the fact that he may still be in a relationship?

What do I do?

Oh dear.

he is still married to his wife. In all senses of the word.

You have been very naive.

You poor thing. I'm afraid I agree. It sounds like he's duped you.

Wrt what to do. You end it, of course. And it stays ended, no matter what new pretty words he comes up with.

I was afraid of that. It's more complicated than it is on paper, there's a lot of reasons I trusted him and stayed with him so long that's difficult to put in my OP.

If I'd had any doubt he was still with her I would have left him long before, but he is incredibly convincing and knows just what to say to put my mind at rest. I don't think he can this time though, he'd told me before that his family knew they weren't together and the only reason I couldn't meet them is because she would stop him seeing his son and he couldn't afford to go to court.

Now he's saying his family don't know they're not together. I know I should call it a day, the last thing I want is to ruin his wife's marriage if he is still with her. I just want to believe so much that he's not a lying cheating bugger who's taken me (and her) for a fool and broke my heart

Well, you can carry on convincing yourself you have a good honest man there but you would be wrong.

It does sound like he's being playing both you and his wife. To be honest, although I understand you would feel crap being the 'other woman', why shouldn't she know about you and him because who knows what he's told his wife?

His poor wife. He is lying to her and to you isn't he.

Three years! Three years! You've wasted enough time on this piece of shit. I wouldn't even bother with a proper "break up". Go NC. Don't let him talk you back in. He is married with a family.

It takes a lot to cheat on your spouse. But people do it often. For three years, meeting the OM's/OW's kids on the pretence they could be a step parent one day? That takes a different type of fucker.

Twice in your first post you say that this man "saved you". He preyed on you when you were vulnerable, then continually lied to you, while cheating on his wife.

I'm sure things feel crap at the moment, but if you stay with this creature, with his "I saved you" rubbish, it will get much, much worse.

Don't accept any more of his lies. You deserve better.

In future, don't ever let a man "save" you.

You poor woman. NC totally, no answers or questions I think you know deep down what the answers really are. What excuses did he give for never sleeping over? And did you ever meet his friends?

You have to get rid. It's not a real relationship if in 3 years you haven't met his family and friends, you don't go out, he has never stayed over etc. That's ignoring the fact he is still with his wife.

I can understand why you fell for his lies if you were previously in an abusive relationship but you seem like you have had nagging doubts for a while.

Look you are no longer in that abusive relationship but you have replaced one bad relationship with another less than ideal one. Now it's time to realize that you are strong and can cope on your own till you find a nice decent guy who is prepared to be kind and fully commit to you.

Successful con men are plausible, and often charming.

Now, it seems he cheated on his wife. She threw him out but somehow he used his charm and persuasiveness to re-establish his married life. For he lives with her, puts his family life first and excludes you from most of his life. She is his public, acknowledged wife. And as he sleeps there, that'll be wife in every sense.

You were vulnerable and duped.

You are coming to realise this and understandably resisting it because it hurts, and quite possibly leaves you feeling foolish as well.

But he's not going to leave her for you. If he was going to, he would never have gone back.

This "relationship" offers you nothing, and never will.

Somehow you need to find the strength to break it off decisively. And then one day you will be ready to embark on a proper relationship with an ordinary decent man who will put you first and mean it.

I'd take him at face value, and contact his wife to introduce yourself as his partner, and say you'd like to meet his son.

If he's still with her, she deserves to know what a snake she's married to, and if he's not, it might make him move on with his life. And either way, you move out of limbo.

I would go no contact with him as of now; he deserves no explanation from you.

He's played both you and his wife for complete fools for the last three years. She may know, she may equally not. Either way you've been his other woman throughout. He's both a consummate liar and con artist who has compartmentalised all aspects of his life.

Never let a man save you, you can only help/save your own self ultimately.

I would also suggest that you enrol yourself on Womens Aid Freedom Programme bearing in mind that your previous relationship was an abusive one. Men like this man as well can also take a battering ram to self esteem and you need to regroup. You need a complete break from dating till you have done this process.

Sorry for the lack of reply, nursery run. Wtr him saving me, I really would have been dead if it wasn't for him. Without going into a whole load of details, more for my own sanity, he walked in on my ex with a knife to my throat.

I'm also not wanting to tell his wife, what's the point in making her world crash as well as mine? They've a son, it wouldn't be fair to ruin things for him either. Maybe I should be angry or whatever but right now I just feel so hurt.

He always said if his wife (always referred to her as his ex) found out he was in another relationship she would stop him seeing his son, she was a spiteful nasty *** according to him. Same for not meeting his friends etc.

What makes it so much harder for me is my dc don't know their own father - for obvious reasons - and they're very close to him. I'm not sure how to tell them, my ds is three (id only just had him when this happened with my ex and I got with my partner when he was about 4 months old). He's been like a father to them, he's been good to me too.

But I know I need to leave him, I'm doubting everything he's ever said to me now, and it's looking like I really am the other woman. Thanks for the advice

Look, the only way you can resolve this is to turn up on his doorstep when you know he will be out, introduce yourself cordially by your name, and ask if you could have a chat.

Then sit down and explain that her husband told you that she and he were separated, but still living under the same roof for the sake of their child, with him citing extremely unreasonable behaviour on her part for why he couldn't move out. Tell her that you have been in a relationship with him for three years on the understanding that their marriage was over. Explain that you have recently come to realise that you might have been lied to, and you would appreciate hearing the truth from her. Don't be defensive, don't be scraping the floor with apologies. Just be open and honest. You should emphasise that you aren't trying to compete with her in any way - if it turns out that he has been lying to you then you will cut contact with him immediately, and leave her alone so she can decide what to do.

She is probably one of the nicest people you will meet.

You talk about not wanting to "ruin" their marriage, but their marriage is most likely a complete fucking sham. If she knows about the agreement, then she will be able to put your mind at ease. If she doesn't know, then she DESERVES to make an INFORMED decision as to whether she wants to remain in her marriage.

If you say nothing to her, then you are enabling him to continue acting in this way. There is no fall out for him. No consequences to his behaviour. You will be complicit in her deception. And - to be frank - it will be much harder for her to believe that you weren't the knowing other woman if she finds out about this second hand. He will inevitably make up all sorts of bullshit.

Not just for her, but for you as well it makes more sense to confront this situation now.

I don't know his address kaykay (which now seems weird when it never did before). I know the area he lives in, and he's in the same town as me but I've never asked him his address before. I know her name but that's about it tbh, though I know she doesn't know about me. He's always said that if she knew he was in a different relationship then she would stop him having contact with his son.

If you did turn up then there is every likelihood you'd be described as an obsessed stalker who he turned down. I mean he conned you for three years, she could well fall for his lies.

OP - but if you've been with this guy for three years then it is inconceivable that you don't have proof of your relationship. E-mails, photos (which tends to be the most difficult to "explain away"), etc.

Why don't you try looking her up on facebook and sending her a message? Definitely attach a picture of the two of you together - preferably at some kind of family event (on your side...obviously), or him with you and your child out together.

Yeah, I'm sure she doesn't know about the relationship. But that's not the big issue - the big issue is whether SHE thinks that they are still happily married and living together as a close unit, whilst he has been conducting a VERY long term affair.

But please, please don't let this poor woman just live on in complete ignorance of what a total fuckhead her husband is.

When my ex and I were in that situation we were still shagging.
We weren't 'together ' but we definitely weren't single either.

Lots of proof that we're together Kaykay, pics, texts, he's met my family, my neighbours etc, my hv knows him and my father emails him. If you were her would you want to know, even if it could potentially ruin your life? I never wanted to be the sort of woman to ruin someone else's relationship. I would want to know though, not sure I'd be all together forgiving of the other woman but I guess she doesn't need to forgive me, if I was her I'd probably hate me too. Atm I hate myself for this as it is. Found her on fb but struggling to think of what to say to her

Oh dear! I would tell the wife. What a wanker!!

You really ought to tell her. If my husband was doing this I would be devastated... but very quickly that would turn into anger and indignation, and I wouldn't want to waste another minute.