Married but not together?

[ReallyQuiteConfused]

Hiya, I've name changed for this but a regular poster.

To get to the long and short of it me and my dp have been together three years now (yesterday was our anniversary actually). Normally a loving but strange relationship.

Not to drip feed, he was married and has a ds, but hasn't been with his ex in four years however they still live together, he says he can't bear to be away from his son and that his ex has stopped contact when he did move out after we first got together. I've never met his ds though he has obviously met my dc. He's also never spent the night (which we have argued about a lot).

Thing is I trust him, or did, for a long time. He saved me from an extremely abusive relationship, he's taken care of me and my dc, he's been there when my whole world has fallen apart and generally just been a normal loving partner if you put aside the fact that he doesn't include me in his life. I've never met his family, friends and we never go out as a couple (tbf I don't have any child care and we've both been having money problems until recently).

But a conversation we had yesterday has suddenly turned everything upside down and I'm beginning to seriously question if he is who he says he is at all, and if I'm just his bit on the side.

I asked him about children, said that I was worried my contraception had failed cause I was feeling out of sorts and a bit sick recently. His reply was "I don't want it, I'm not having some kid come looking for me in 18 years and ruining my relationship with my son." I asked him what he meant since he said he wasn't going to be living with her forever, only while his son was still young and until they got their finances sorted out, which would be about now anyway. He wouldn't give me a straight answer, we had a massive argument about if he was still with his ex or not and he kept telling me he wasn't, that I was paranoid and walked out.

But I'm not so certain anymore. He said his wife still wears her wedding rings when they go somewhere together and meet family to stop awkward questions, so far as his family and hers are concerned they're still together (though I didn't know that til last night.)

I've been taken for a mug haven't I? If I'd known he was still in a relationship and not getting divorced like he told me I never would have gotten with him, I would never want to be a home wrecker nor put another woman through the pain of that.

I just don't know what to do. On one hand I want to believe him so badly, but on the other I feel like I shouldn't, because in all my naivety I feel an overwhelming guilt that I may have been allowing another woman's partner to cheat on her with me. And being brutally honest, not knowing shouldn't be an excuse, I sshouldn't have been so stupid or ignorant.

But could he be telling the truth? Maybe he really is separated from her? Or am I just the world biggest idiot who fell for the man who saved me and ignored the fact that he may still be in a relationship?

What do I do?

Just hang in there. Can you block the texts? If not, just keep ignoring. Don't even reply to tell him to leave you alone. Stony silence is best. He will stop, probably sooner than later. As hard as it is to hear, he'll probably be off to his next poor victim soon.

I agree that he's probably not real sure what's going on. If his wife has decided she would rather just live with his cheating she probably has also chosen not to make an issue of it. She's probably either giving him the silent treatment or just carrying on. I feel sorry for her, I really do. To decide to live like that must be all kinds of hell.

I'm so glad the test was negative. All that remains is to get yourself tested for STIs. In the meantime congratulate yourself for your narrow escape. You are free now and soon the pain will lessen. Hold your head high and know that you did the right thing.

RQC I have just read this from start to finish - you have behaved in a very dignified manner - he is an absolute shit and his wife has my pity.

Yes he literally "saved" you and you can remain thankful for that, but that doesn't mean he has the right to treat you (and all women) so abominably.

Be thankful you're not pg and tied to this man

Sorry for the lack of replying, I've not been able to stop crying today. My heart physically hurts, I never realised that was possible before, guess that's where the expression heart broken comes from. Doesn't feel like I've got much dignity either atm, I've spent the day wandering around my home and realised that everything in here is things we've bought together, planning for a life together, and it's all lies. That big comfy chair that seats two? We picked it together, spent countless hours cuddled up on it, laughing and joking and me falling asleep wrapped in his arms with him promising me that one day we would spend every night together like this. One day we would be spending our life the way the last three years have been, happy and laughing and so much in love. I smashed the bloody cups today, not on purpose at first, it just dawned on me that those cups I got cause he always complained my other ones were too small. The stupid curtains that we spent an hour bickering over cause the damn things wouldn't hang right and then he tore the curtain rail off the window by grabbing on to it when the step ladder wobbled. The coffee table I spent the day trying to build only for it to collapse as he was coming in and him laughing at me kicking it and almost breaking my toe. How is this fair? Really and truly, how could anyone do this? Why would they want to? How do I pick up the pieces? I'm not really sure I want to, I would discover just how much damage he's done

I feel for you OP. He lied to you and now you are hurt whereas his wife sounds fine. You need to remember what he said to you regarding the unborn child. If he loved you he would have loved to have a child from you. It sounded like he thought of the child (I know you are not pregnant) no more than a bastard. I wish you well OP and to stay strong. If he wants to explain himself let him do it in front of his x-wife. But we know she is not X and that is why he was scared of loosing his son. F* him.

I've been there! Sitting in the living room and all I could see was memories. 'He' sat there. 'He' hung that painting'. There's where 'we' spilt red wine & couldn't completely get the stain out. I hated it with a passion!! It made me hate my lovely home. I ended up selling almost every stick and picture in the living room, repainting it and buying new furniture and window coverings. I did incur some debt but it was well worth it to me. It wiped out those mental pictures and I felt I was in a new room to fill up with new memories. Oddly enough, the other rooms in the house didn't seem to have 'him' in them as much. Just the living room. Although I will admit that I did symbolically burn 2 sets of sheets that 'he' picked out . It was pretty cathartic even if the neighbours did complain.

You DO have a great deal of dignity. You handled the contact with his wife with dignity. You have gone NC with him, which is also dignified.

Try not to waste energy on why he did the things he did. The short answer is that he is a heartless prick. It's better to just say that 'why' doesn't matter, 'why' doesn't change things. Focus your energy on being kind to yourself and moving forward. The best way to move forward is to just carry on with your daily life, love yourself and your children, and keep telling yourself that you deserve, and will have, better than him.

It's hard to move forward when I've to explain to the kids eventually that he'll no longer be around, he won't play football with my ds anymore, won't help my dd make cardboard angels, won't chase them about until they're exhausted and laughing and will actually sit still to eat their dinner. That hurts a lot, knowing how much my little ones love him, and he treated them like his own to an extent. But I suppose they're still young and will forget him eventually.

Sorry for the rambling, and focusing on the bad/being doom and gloom. Another sleepless night and my head feels fuzzy and out of focus, my heart hurts and I'm just not able to think straight. I told my df tonight and he's upset, he and x were close in a way. He's feeling the anger I can't seem to build up right now, but he can't be here (lives in a different country).

I've tried to be kind to myself tonight, long hot bubble bath, ice cream and watching Netflix, nothing holds my attention for long thought. Any good coping strategies? I'm dreading the school run tomorrow, I looked bad enough today with my puffy eyes and vacant stare (thanks to no sleep), tomorrow will be worse with more no sleep

It will be hard to explain to the kids, no doubt. Especially if they are too young to understand the 'realities' of the situation since you don't want to burden them with things they're too young to understand. But children are pretty resilient little things and they'll probably recover sooner than you will. A mixed blessing, right?

Coping strategies? It's hard because what works for one person may not work for another. I didn't have children to occupy me. Keeping a routine helped me. Therapy was a must due to my (then) history of picking shit men. In my situation, I had to see the bastard every. single. day. because we worked in the same office (more fool me, never shit where you eat, right?). I tried to keep busy with work tasks and housework during the day. I actually got a promotion during that time because I was so 'hardworking' and my house has never been as clean since due to my manic cleaning. HA. The evenings I managed to watch TV, short programs were the best. I could concentrate for 30 minutes for a show, but not for a movie. Reading helped. I've always been able to get lost in a book. But nights were so, so hard. I actually bought myself a large stuffed bear to cuddle (and cry on). There were a lot of nights with little sleep and lots of tears. But gradually I began to sleep more and cry less.

I talked to myself, pep talks and admonishments, encouragement and praise. I talked to myself a lot! But living alone back then there was no one to look at me funny, LOL. I can remember once lecturing myself in front of the bathroom mirror (You are better than this, you deserve so much more. You will NOT let this defeat you! yada yada yada).

My friends and family were a great help too. If you can find even one person to confide in, it can make a world of difference. If not there's always the 'might of Mumsnet'.

I'm so sorry for what you're going through OP.

FWIW I think you did the right thing telling his wife. only because you weren't mean and spiteful. You were polite and respectful and she deserved to know. He was having unprotected sex with you and most likely also with her. Putting her health at risk as well.

Such a bad guy :(

Just read the entire thread and am full of admiration of you, OP. You are so brave and honest. Your letter to the wife was so well thought out. I am not the UK and have not taken the Freedom Programme but it seems like it is really useful. Lots of exercise would also be useful at this time.

Don't ask why.... You are such better than him and therefore will never understand how the mind of such a low life works.... Also to ask why, is on some level asking "why me? What did I do to deserve this?" and that results in you accepting some responsibility.

This is not your fault, you did nothing to cause him to treat you this way, you do not deserve this.

Hold your head up on the school run, make up and the excuse of a head cold will be enough to fool anyone you don't want to know.

I hope you do have someone in RL to confide in tho, you sound like you desperately need end a hug xx

Reallyquite, baby steps. Go shopping for knickers and throw all your old ones out, plan to decorate your bedroom exactly how you'd want it. Pack up everything of his into boxes and drop off at the charity shop. Unless it's electrical then sell it at entertainment exchange! Get every single ounce of him out of your house until there are no ghosts. Use your anger for this x

Agree RQC - everything must suck balls right now. And yes, it must be so painful to think back on all the memories, and realise that it was just a sham.

Next time you remember doing something with him, try and catch yourself and get angry instead. Do seriously consider doing a class or youtube video where you can sweat out some frustration. It should help you a little to sleep as well.

I think now is when you need to support of your friends in real life. It's probably still useful for you to come and be completely truthful about how you feel on here - no-one will be bothered if you need to rant, or are feeling particularly low, and we will all try to help. But sometimes you need to see the look of absolute disgust on the face of someone you know. Sometimes you need to see someone getting furious/shocked on your behalf, before you can start to process that what happened is true.

Whenever you feel up to it, tell someone you know.

On the plus side, maybe they will run into him, he will go up to them being all "OH HAI SARAH Y IZ RQC IGNORING MEEEEE" and they will slap him so hard in the face that he has to go home with a giant red hand print on his face.

Hello RQC - I wouldn't worry too much about your kids. My stepdaughter's mother has just broken up with her partner of several years, and I thought she'd be very upset, but she's completely stoic about it. Kids hold more back than you think xx

So many of us know all about a broken heart.
It does hurt, so so much. It's actual pain.

Coping? Well to be honest I don't know that I did that very well. I don't think many of us do.
I'd find a corner, sit on the floor, knees to my chest, head on my knees and just sob and sob and sob for hours.
I didn't sleep but the adrenalin will keep you going.
I never missed a day at work so routine helped me.

My friends and family helped me through a lot as well.
That support is worth more to you right now than anything else.

I kept my exH dirty little secret for a while so I had to handle it all on my own in the first few weeks. It was horrible. Do NOT do this!! The worst decision of my life.
But I just felt a huge weight lift when the decision was made and I could tell people and get some love and support.

You will have ups and downs. Mainly downs right now.
Your tears will be never ending for now.
But then the crying doesn't last as long. The time in between will increase and things WILL start to get better.
Mourn what you have lost for now. There will be a light at the end of the tunnel and you will come through this.

There are loads of us on here are living proof that life will go on and in fact get better for you.
for you.