Married but not together?

[ReallyQuiteConfused]

Hiya, I've name changed for this but a regular poster.

To get to the long and short of it me and my dp have been together three years now (yesterday was our anniversary actually). Normally a loving but strange relationship.

Not to drip feed, he was married and has a ds, but hasn't been with his ex in four years however they still live together, he says he can't bear to be away from his son and that his ex has stopped contact when he did move out after we first got together. I've never met his ds though he has obviously met my dc. He's also never spent the night (which we have argued about a lot).

Thing is I trust him, or did, for a long time. He saved me from an extremely abusive relationship, he's taken care of me and my dc, he's been there when my whole world has fallen apart and generally just been a normal loving partner if you put aside the fact that he doesn't include me in his life. I've never met his family, friends and we never go out as a couple (tbf I don't have any child care and we've both been having money problems until recently).

But a conversation we had yesterday has suddenly turned everything upside down and I'm beginning to seriously question if he is who he says he is at all, and if I'm just his bit on the side.

I asked him about children, said that I was worried my contraception had failed cause I was feeling out of sorts and a bit sick recently. His reply was "I don't want it, I'm not having some kid come looking for me in 18 years and ruining my relationship with my son." I asked him what he meant since he said he wasn't going to be living with her forever, only while his son was still young and until they got their finances sorted out, which would be about now anyway. He wouldn't give me a straight answer, we had a massive argument about if he was still with his ex or not and he kept telling me he wasn't, that I was paranoid and walked out.

But I'm not so certain anymore. He said his wife still wears her wedding rings when they go somewhere together and meet family to stop awkward questions, so far as his family and hers are concerned they're still together (though I didn't know that til last night.)

I've been taken for a mug haven't I? If I'd known he was still in a relationship and not getting divorced like he told me I never would have gotten with him, I would never want to be a home wrecker nor put another woman through the pain of that.

I just don't know what to do. On one hand I want to believe him so badly, but on the other I feel like I shouldn't, because in all my naivety I feel an overwhelming guilt that I may have been allowing another woman's partner to cheat on her with me. And being brutally honest, not knowing shouldn't be an excuse, I sshouldn't have been so stupid or ignorant.

But could he be telling the truth? Maybe he really is separated from her? Or am I just the world biggest idiot who fell for the man who saved me and ignored the fact that he may still be in a relationship?

What do I do?

Fucking Hell!

OP I'm sorry. 3 years is a hell of a long time.

You don't need to answer her of course, but if you do, just "I am so very sorry. I have been completely fooled. I have now of course cut contact completely".

Thats all thats required. She doesn't want to get into a discussion anyway, lets face it. Nor does she care about how devastated you are. She has more shit going on in her life than we can possibly imagine.

But we care, and lots and lots of hugs to you. I would say don't dignify him with any contact (he'll just say she's a lying psycho anyway ) but I understand that after three years you may need to vent.

happy there are some women who have decided, for their own reasons, to just put up with a cheater. You and I could never understand it, we would never do it, either. But there are some women (pity them) who would rather have a worthless man than no man at all. So sad!!

happy I don't think there is any justification for giving this poor op any small grain of hope that this bloke isn't a cunt after all, do you ?

If you come back RQC - Please try to calm down. This isn't your fault. You are better for knowing. It's good that she got back to you. Try not to get into hysterics over this. I know it's hard, and that you were probably desperately hoping it might not be like this, but take a deep breath. It's not the end of the world. At least you aren't the poor sod married to this piece of shit!!

Call your dad and let him know, as soon as you feel ready. It sounds like you could do with some real life support.

She probably sounded calm because:

a) This has apparently happened to her twice before
b) She was probably already suspicious from his behaviour, so you have just confirmed things for her.

Personally, I would reply. She has been very cordial to you, and it would feel somehow rude not to. You could simply reply something like:

Thank you for being so polite to me - It is sincerely appreciated. I have been ignoring X today until I heard back from you, and now I obviously won't be contacting him again. Unless you say otherwise, I will assume that you don't want me to mention to X that I contacted you, and would prefer to deal with this on your own terms. If you need any other information from me please don't hesitate to contact me. By the way, considering what X told me about you, I am sure he will try to paint me as some stalker/scarlet woman/crazy bitch/master of manipulation. I'm not. This man has met my family, friends, played step father to my child, and has been in regular contact with my father. I am totally shell shocked, and can't even imagine what you must be feeling. I won't disturb you again unless you contact me first. Again, my apologies. OP.

some women do put up with multiple affairs though. Plus, if her h has a history of not telling the ow that he is married she has no axe to grind with the op, so why would she react more angrily towards her?

Bear in mind her response was purely textual, and a screen does not convey emotion. I could write out the coolest, calmest response to a text/email but be absolutely raging inside, and I have done.

kay, if OP wishes to respond to the wife, that is a perfect and dignified reply

Yeah, it was FB. She could have typed through floods of tears for all we know.

WannaBe - who knows.

I don't personally see the wife's response being totally calm and non plussed. I don't think it's in any way an indication that they have a "strange" relationship dynamic.

I see it as someone who is either in shock, or someone who has been through this all before, might have been picking up on signs, and is now feeling desperately miserable, having had their suspicions confirmed. (but OP - that's a good thing. Now she can make an informed decision).

There are plenty of women on here who have taken their partners back after an affair, and put up with all sorts of crap. This wife is no different.

Guess we'll just have to wait and see if a newcomer posts a thread titled "DH serial cheater. No idea what to do", in the next few days

I am so sorry, reallyquite.

He misused your trust in every which way. Played on gratitude and faith in him after he rescued you from the knife.

What an utterly shit human being.

You'll get through it, you will. Please remember to eat and drink regularly. Ask your family for support.

Take care

RQC please don't feel you need to avoid MN because you are struggling. There's lots of people here who are happy to talk this through with you, if that's helpful. I'm so sorry for what he has put you through, what a cruel man he is

I met up with an exes long standing girlfriend. .. she reeled off the others before me she still sees him. I guess it works for her. It certainly didn't work for me...

Kaykay, I sent her the message you suggested, I don't mind if she messages back or not, she will have her own stuff to deal with now. I've had a barrage of "baby? Are you not talking to me now?" Messages from him, some since he's been home so I don't know if she's talked to him about it or not. I'm extremely tempted to blow up at him, switching fast between crying and wanting to scream and shout right now.

I know ultimately it's her that's been betrayed the most, and her life that may possibly be wrecked because of it, but right now I can't help but hurt and be mad. He knew every little thing about me from how hard it was for me to be with him because of how scared I was any man would turn out like my ex, how scared I was to let anyone close and how scared I was of being hurt again. He promised me a life together, that he'd always be there for me no matter what, that he loved me. And I was the stupid stupid idiot who fell for it, because it's what I wanted to hear and what I wanted to believe.

And who knows how many other women he's been sleeping with? Someone up thread said I should get myself tested for stis, and I guess I really need to now, apart from my coil/previous birth control, for the last two years we've been having unprotected sex. There wasn't any need for condoms he said, he wasn't sleeping with anyone else and neither was I, and he hated them.

Sorry if I'm rambling, I'm trying to hold it together, I just feel dazed tbh, and hurt and angry but more dazed than anything

he hated condoms ?

I bet he did, the selfish fuck

You have been equally betrayed op.

OP - You don't have to feel guilty that you are feeling, or that you aren't allowed to be feeling like this. You have been betrayed by someone you trust, and who you loved. It's okay to feel like shit.

The best thing to do would be to block this fuckheads number from your phone, starting from immediately. Then delete his number. If he turns up at your house, don't answer the door, don't let him in and inform him you will call the police unless he leaves. CALL the police if he won't leave.

The only thing you can do now is mourn the end of your relationship, and cut all contact with him. You really should tell your family and friends the situation as soon as you feel able to.

For all we know, the wife could be like one of the (many) women on here who know the score, but are trying to secure their departure, or waiting until they can get back into employment before they leave.

Agree with previous poster.
You are not a fool nor are you stupid; he was terribly convincing.
I had a friend whom I never see now ( given up trying to contact her).
She is very smart ,attractive ,very clued up, yet her hubby is a serial cheat.
Her own grown up son went NC after trying to convince her to leave her husband ( not his Dad BTW) and she more or less said it's a case of like him or feck off.
Weeks before their wedding he was having " dalliances" with no less than 7 OW.
My friend said the fact he returned home every night was enough to validate the fact she was his " woman ". and the others meant nothing.
I hope to God that she one day sees the light.
Please do yourself a big favour and don't become complacent as his wife has done.
She is a poor downtrodden woman who has lost all sense of self respect .
You know you are capable and deserving of a healthy balanced relationship.
Don't get even; get shot of the pillock.

You have a right to be sad. You have a right to be angry. You were duped by this shithead and taken advantage of. You will need to mourn the dream you lost, but then you will be able to move on.

Please delete and block him from your phone, your email, your life. If by some chance he has a key to your home, change the lock pronto or install an inside slide-bolt. You need give him no explanation for your actions, he deserves NOTHING from you!

Please try to find someone in RL to confide in or consider counseling to give you a place to vent, grieve, and recover.

Test came back negative so that's a relief. He's got a key but I've already got a chain and alarm on my door, he won't be able to get in. Blocked his number but I get texts saying he's tried to call several times this morning. Ignoring him is the hardest right now, I just have so many questions and want to rage and cry but what would be the point? He'll never be able to give me the answers I want. Last night was the longest night I've had in a long time.

Sorry to hear the latest, although (from an outside perspective) it seemed pretty obvious what the wife's reply was going to be.

More fool her for staying with this man as he has previous, at least it is going to be slightly easier for you to remove him from your life.

Get your locks changed.

Keep strong

X

Keep strong OP. I know in your situation, I'd cave and listen to his story out of curiosity, so good on you for freezing the fucker out!

Definitely get your locks changed. There's nothing stopping him from letting himself into your house whilst you are out.

I wonder why his wife hasn't told him she knows? How odd!

I don't think she should cave in because she told the wife she wouldn't. It's the least op can do really

Oh bless you OP.
You've handled this with dignity.
Well done.

Stay silent - ignore ignore ignore.

Grieve for your lost relationship. You need time to get over this.
Then you can move on and find happiness.
for you.

Hope you're surviving this morning, quite. Good idea to change the locks to make sure he doesn't come in.

Hi RQC - Here's the thing - by promising the wife that yo wouldn't contact him again, you made someone besides yourself a promise not to cave. I don't know for you, but for me that's actually a much bigger motivation. If it's just not letting yourself down, then it's easy to give in to temptation - but if you've promised someone else - then it's not just you who will hold you accountable -

Does that make any sense?

I totally understand the desire to call him every name under the sun, and see what he has to say. But the thing is - nothing he can say can make this better or more understandable. The only thing he will do, is lie. And he is apparently an extremely good liar. So the only option is to cut contact completely, and work through your rage in a different way. Go to a body combat class, or a spinning class or something, and try and sweat out your rage.

You know, he may be trying to call you because his wife has dropped giant hints that she knows and he wants to get information from you. It could be because his wife is now refusing to speak to him, and little diddums is lonely. HA.

Whatever the reason, you already know that he is a serial cheating, lying, sociopath.

Please please change your locks. Today. The last thing you want is for him to come in just because you forgot to put the chain on.

Please, please do change the locks.