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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh lied about work trip

83 replies

Greenshieldstamps · 29/09/2014 11:13

Background: We've been together for 10 years, married for 8, two dc at infant school. I have been a sahm on and off for the past 6 years but now work part time.

About 2 years ago DH got a new job and within a few months it was clear he hated it. He is travelling more and is under a lot of pressure. He has been quite withdrawn and stressed over the last few months.

He is rolling out a new IT format for a client and will be away for two weeks. It has been the subject of much stress and discussion as he is the only one available to do the training.

Last night he woke me up at 2am to say he couldn't sleep and that he had to tell me that he had lied to me and was actually going with a new female colleague. He says he did not tell me as he knew I would not like it. I have never been a jealous or suspicious type so this is total rubbish to me. I was joking with him on Sunday as he wouldn't come out with me and the dc as he wanted to de- fuzz and I had asked if he was going to be doing the presentation naked as he was making such a fuss about getting it done.

I am so confused.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greenshieldstamps · 29/09/2014 11:16

I am not suspicious about the new colleague as such, just why he lied when he had ample time to drop it into the conversation.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 29/09/2014 11:16

defuzz ?

Waking you in the middle of the night to "confess"? massive guilty conscience. There is something already happening with the "female colleague" or it is certainly in the pipeline.

I would stop "joking" and get him to tell you the truth.

dollius · 29/09/2014 11:19

Yes, he is projecting. He has engineered a work trip with this female colleague and anticipates something happening between them while on it.

ProfessorPickles · 29/09/2014 11:21

What do you mean by de fuzzing op? It sounds like there's definitely something going on I'm afraid, he has a guilty conscience.

What a strange reason to not go out with you and your DCs

badbaldingballerina123 · 29/09/2014 11:21

I think you might have had half a confession there. I'd dig around.

Original poster

Greenshieldstamps · 29/09/2014 11:26

Defuzz means shaving his chest hair and tidying up down there.

OP posts:

AMumInScotland · 29/09/2014 11:26

I think this translates as "I seriously fancy my female colleague and am considering having sex with her. I feel guilty, but haven't the backbone to resist my urges"

You need to have a serious conversation with him about how totally unacceptable it would be to you, to the marriage, and to his ongoing possession of anything worth 'defuzzing' if he does not remember at all times that he is not single.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2014 11:28

why does he need to "defuzz" for a work trip ?

is he a stripper hitting the road ?

Dinnaeknowshitfromclay · 29/09/2014 11:29

Am I wrong? Your husband is taking extra care with his personal grooming (to the point where you wondered if he was doing the presentation naked) and yet you don't seem to see this as a red flag the size of Flintshire? Forgive me if I read this wrong but if this is true it would be the one thing that definitely made me realise he was either at it or planning to be.

AnyFucker · 29/09/2014 11:29

I see you are a new poster. I think you need to read around the relationship boards a little bit, love.

But do it quick

dollius · 29/09/2014 11:32

LOL at "is he a stripper hitting the road?"

Original poster

Greenshieldstamps · 29/09/2014 11:33

Sorry I should have mentioned from the op that I have namechanged. I have been here since 2008 and am usually in the Woolly hugs/craft bit.

OP posts:

AgathaF · 29/09/2014 11:36

You shouldn't have to mention that you have namechanged. That's irrelevant to your thread.

It does sound suspicious. When does he go away?

Original poster

Greenshieldstamps · 29/09/2014 11:38

He works from home when he is not on client visits. I have had a few instances where I have brought him a coffee only for him to close his ms messenger down.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greenshieldstamps · 29/09/2014 11:39

I have friends in rl who know my user name. I want to keep this to myself for the moment.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greenshieldstamps · 29/09/2014 11:41

He went away this morning. He was up at 5am and while he was in the shower I tried to have a look at his phone but it is password protected. He only has a work (to my knowledge).

OP posts:

InfinitySeven · 29/09/2014 11:41

Is he sharing a room with said female colleague?

Because if he's not (and that wouldn't be acceptable on its own!) then he's expecting to undress in front of her, to the extent that she'll see his entire body naked.

I'm not surprised that he's struggling with a guilty conscience sleeping next to you while knowing that he either has mental plans, or worse, he's suggested to her, that they'll be sleeping together.

It might be worth asking to see his phone, if he's still at home. I wouldn't usually condone this, but I think I'd need to see if he'd been telling her to bring lingerie/flirting with her/generally setting the scene for them to sleep together.

badbaldingballerina123 · 29/09/2014 11:42

In my experience many cheaters will tell you they are cheating in subtle ways. Some will tell you that apparently someone has accused them of having an affair . Some will accuse you of being jealous when your not. Others tell you via their sudden locked phone or new grooming habits.

I think your husband is telling you that he either is , or is going to have an affair with this woman. He has been stressed and withdrawn. He's been too interested in shaving his balls and even though you wouldn't have a problem with this trip , he's telling you you should. He's also lied about going away with her.

Does he always put this much effort into his personal grooming ? He's clearly planning on someone seeing his balls isn't he. I would have a very serious conversation about this and I'd want the truth.

AdoraBell · 29/09/2014 11:42

OP my DH travels quite a bit. The only thing that is more important to him than spending time with DDs prior to a trip is making sure he has his passport and visa docs. Which he makes time for after spending time with his family.

This sounds highly suspicious to me. Almost like he'll come back, confess and blame you because he told you and you didn't put your foot down and insist he stays at home even it means he'll lose his job.

badbaldingballerina123 · 29/09/2014 11:45

There's only one reason he shut down the screen and that's because he was doing something he shouldn't have been. Is his computer at home ? It might be worth a root.

Original poster

Greenshieldstamps · 29/09/2014 11:47

He has a work laptop but also a dongle so he can use the home computer. He works in IT so no doubt he can cover his tracks.

OP posts:

FarEastMovement · 29/09/2014 11:48

A lot of guilt from him which at the very least is a good thing.

t doesn't sound like he's done anything yet (why mention the trip if he's already in the throes of an affair?) but it sounds like it is in the pipeline.

A good long talk is needed here to clear the air. Often when a man thinks with a fresh head he can snap out of a haze of lust. But you need to help clear the haze as they rarely do that on their own!

PeppermintPasty · 29/09/2014 11:48

Yes, guilty conscience. AMumInScotland has it. My god, cheaters/potential cheaters are so dumb, yet they think it's their partner that's stupid!

Scotslasslivinginfrance · 29/09/2014 11:50

It sounds to me as though there is something going on with him that he wants to talk about and this would explain his middle of the night guilty confession.

You definitely need to sit down together and talk about it and you need to insist on complete honesty from him.

Original poster

Greenshieldstamps · 29/09/2014 11:56

Oh god it is almost a relief to hear these replies, I thought I was going mad. I know it is a cliche but he is the last person you would think would do such a thing. My youngest dc started school nursery today and I was already feeling emotional.

OP posts:

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