Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Dh lied about work trip

83 replies

Greenshieldstamps · 29/09/2014 11:13

Background: We've been together for 10 years, married for 8, two dc at infant school. I have been a sahm on and off for the past 6 years but now work part time.

About 2 years ago DH got a new job and within a few months it was clear he hated it. He is travelling more and is under a lot of pressure. He has been quite withdrawn and stressed over the last few months.

He is rolling out a new IT format for a client and will be away for two weeks. It has been the subject of much stress and discussion as he is the only one available to do the training.

Last night he woke me up at 2am to say he couldn't sleep and that he had to tell me that he had lied to me and was actually going with a new female colleague. He says he did not tell me as he knew I would not like it. I have never been a jealous or suspicious type so this is total rubbish to me. I was joking with him on Sunday as he wouldn't come out with me and the dc as he wanted to de- fuzz and I had asked if he was going to be doing the presentation naked as he was making such a fuss about getting it done.

I am so confused.

OP posts:

scaevola · 29/09/2014 13:37

I have sat through some jaw-droppingly weird work resent actions in my time, but none of them has ever used the speaker's pubis as a visual aid.

My guess is that he told you there was a female colleague because he realised you might find this out anyway, and perhaps thought such a discovery would provoke suspicion (for if innocent, why not mention it?)

But mentioning in the small hours, plus the topiary, is just as suspicious.

scaevola · 29/09/2014 13:38

"resent actions" sorry DYAC presentations

DorisIsALittleBitPartial · 29/09/2014 13:40

I agree with those who think that he is thinking about having an affair and it's caught up with him. Messages on MSN, flirting, looking forward to this trip away - contributing to guilt coming out as stress, not sleeping and a last minute panic leading to a confession - I think by his message to you telling you he loves you that he has had a wake-up call. It's up to you to decide whether you can accept that. Good luck

warysara · 29/09/2014 13:41

Please don't listen to any of the bitter, twisted people on here. They are just working you up into a panic frenzy.

Do talk to him and do talk through your worries. It is very hard to have a partner away and you need to explain and that kind of 2am call isn't acceptable, and you understand about female colleagues exist, but you need to know about them first so that you don't have to worry etc..

Note to myself to tell anyone who is going to date a girl, check if they use Mumsnet first and if so be prepared.

DorisIsALittleBitPartial · 29/09/2014 13:41

Sorry, I meant to say that last minute panic as nothing has happened yet. I don't think they have DTD, but I think it was probably on the cards.

BranchingOut · 29/09/2014 13:42

I think there is a chance that you can 'head him off at the pass' so to speak.

Call him and/or ask him to call you urgently.

Tell him that things he has said and done have given you reason to believe that he is tempted to be unfaithful. Tell him that he is still free to go a different path. It is his choice. Set out some of the things that might occur if he does choose to do this.

ImperialBlether · 29/09/2014 13:43

I think he was in bed with the OP, not on the phone at the time, warysara.

Do you think that his concern about shaving his genitals prior to the week away with the other woman wouldn't worry you?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 29/09/2014 13:46

Agree with branching - although I would stress that if he has 'done something stupid' he had better be honest, or else...

I hope it hasn't gone very far...

BranchingOut · 29/09/2014 13:46

Wary the OP doesn't sound as if she is normally in the least bit suspicious or panicky, but the v odd actions of her husband* might provoke a raised eyebrow in anyone.

*Unless, of course, it is company policy to celebrate every successful training day with a nude swimming session or sauna.

Original poster

Greenshieldstamps · 29/09/2014 13:49

Yes he was in bed with me when he woke me up to tell me he couldn't sleep as he had lied to me about the female colleague. This was at 2am. He must have thought I was on to something when I was joking about the defuzz. what is the saying, never a truer word said in jest?

OP posts:

SpicedGingerTea · 29/09/2014 13:52

Gosh, this reminds me of my position a couple of years ago.

My H was going away on a work trip with his boss apparently, and the morning before he was due to leave I found him in the bathroom having a serious defuzz of his balls. I asked why he was doing it and he said 'it's going to be hot where we're going'.

So many red flags that I missed at the time.

Turns out he was going to Venice with OW.

I'm so sorry OP, but hope you get to the bottom of this.

ChippingInLatteLover · 29/09/2014 14:03

No-one wakes you at 2am to 'confess' to a colleague going on a work trip. Him blaming it on your jokey comments is a pathetic attempt to lay the blame at your feet.

No-one I know would give up a trip out with their partner & kids at the weekend, before going away for a week, to do very intimate grooming that will have grown out again before they get home - IF (and I don't believe it for a minute) it's simply his personal preference, then he could have done it once he got there.

If it was me, when he rings to speak to the kids, I would ask him where he would like his stuff left for him because he isn't welcome at the house when he returns on Friday.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 29/09/2014 14:10

My own feeling is that he was preparing for the eventuality of possibly being unfaithful but that he may not have actually been unfaithful yet.

OP: how likely it is that you might have discovered later that the hadn't done this installation and training alone?

As an aside: just how common is it for grown men to shave their nether regions? I don't think I've ever seen a man up close who has done this. I once worked with a man who admitted to shaving his chest and I fell about laughing because I'd never heard of it before and couldn't see the point.

AMumInScotland · 29/09/2014 14:14

So can I get the timings clear?
He said this at 2am last night/this morning and has now gone away on the trip? So he hasn't had a night away yet?

I'd call him this evening and say that you've been thinking about why he is so worried about being away with his female colleague and "Is there anything you think you ought to be telling me because to be honest sorting out your bits and 'confessing' to things in the middle of the night made it sound like there was a problem"

Then see just how uncomfortable he is...

He may not have done anything yet, but your being open about the fact that it sounds odd may make him more aware that this isn't going to be some kind of secret that doesn't harm anyone!

frankie80 · 29/09/2014 14:15

sounds to me like he was mentioning it to you in the hope you would go "oh that's okay" (to have a colleague with him)

In other words, giving him the go ahead to cheat.

He's definitely thinking of cheating.

AMumInScotland · 29/09/2014 14:17

Bitter I think the OP said he shaved his chest and just 'neatened' his nethers, which isn't that uncommon. Though it depends if it is usual for him I suppose.

Original poster

Greenshieldstamps · 29/09/2014 14:18

I was working on Saturday too so was disappointed that he didn't want to join us yesterday. The defuzz is a regular thing.

OP posts:

Original poster

Greenshieldstamps · 29/09/2014 14:28

Well I called the hotel and he is def booked in there.

OP posts:

rjay123 · 29/09/2014 14:29

I'm finding it strange that he chose to groom at home, if he didn't want to get caught. He could have quite easily waited a day until he was in the hotel.

I think he wanted to get caught - almost a pre-action guilt feeling.

FelicityGubbins · 29/09/2014 14:33

Is the hotel in the UK? Can you not turn up with the kids tonight? (My mum did this once) and have a face to face about it tonight?

AdoraBell · 29/09/2014 14:51

Could you Skype or FaceTime him. So you can see him? You said you would know if he is lying if you see his face.

Do you both have smart phones?

Original poster

Greenshieldstamps · 29/09/2014 15:39

I have Facetime. He has a windows phone so think he has skype.

OP posts:

Explored · 29/09/2014 15:59

This isn't at all helpful but I had no idea ordinary married men (rather than models/celebs) did that stuff. Maybe it's a generational thing but the idea of Dh (or my Dad) even considering it is hilarious.

The only comparison I can make, is that usually, a week away from DH has me thinking, that's good I don't need to bother waxing, rather than going to extra trouble, so as others have said, it doesn't look good.

Original poster

Greenshieldstamps · 30/09/2014 11:19

We spoke last night and he had nothing to confess, just very, very apologetic. There was no defensiveness in his tone or words. He said that he had been very stupid to lie about the colleague and admitted that it looked very dodgy. He said my joking about the defuzz made him nervous and he panicked about my reaction to the female colleague. I told him that he has no valid reason to think that, that it smacks of his own guilt.

We talked about the instant messenger and he said I could look through the history of his work laptop to which I said he could have easily deleted that for all I know but if I see him closing down anything when I walk in the room I want to see what it is. Ditto Facebook, Twitter, his workphone.

Basically he knows that I will ask him to leave if I ever catch him lying to me again. In the meantime I am going to make sure if this ever happens again I am ready to act accordingly with all documents, accounts and info to hand.

Thank you for all your replies and advice.

OP posts:

JohnFarleysRuskin · 30/09/2014 11:21

That sounds like a really good outcome.

Flip

1 2 3 4