Dh lied about work trip

[Greenshieldstamps]

Background: We've been together for 10 years, married for 8, two dc at infant school. I have been a sahm on and off for the past 6 years but now work part time.

About 2 years ago DH got a new job and within a few months it was clear he hated it. He is travelling more and is under a lot of pressure. He has been quite withdrawn and stressed over the last few months.

He is rolling out a new IT format for a client and will be away for two weeks. It has been the subject of much stress and discussion as he is the only one available to do the training.

Last night he woke me up at 2am to say he couldn't sleep and that he had to tell me that he had lied to me and was actually going with a new female colleague. He says he did not tell me as he knew I would not like it. I have never been a jealous or suspicious type so this is total rubbish to me. I was joking with him on Sunday as he wouldn't come out with me and the dc as he wanted to de- fuzz and I had asked if he was going to be doing the presentation naked as he was making such a fuss about getting it done.

I am so confused.

Er, as someone else once said, this has more red flags than a communist convention.

Change in behaviour? Check. Behaving withdrawn? Check

So apparently super stressed about his work and upcoming meetings, but still can somehow find time to fuss around trimming his pubes and chest hair? You buy that? If so, can I interest you in this pyramid scheme...?

Doesn't tell you about the fact he's travelling with a woman. NOT because he doesn't think it's a big deal, because he is losing sleep over the lie by omission, and feels the need to tell you in the middle of the night.

So if you haven't had trust issues in the past, and he didn't think it was anything worth worrying about...why the sudden "confession"? Probably because he suddenly realised that pictures would be going up on facebook that he would have to explain. She might not even know his married, so no reason why she wouldn't put them up and tag him.

Shift weirdness? Check. Closing down conversations when you come in the room? Putting a password protection on his phone?

Okay. Time to wake up girlfriend.

Same as many replies big red flags here.

What do you plan to do next?

Agree you need to fight. His "confession" opened the door for a conversation, at least. Ring him this evening and tell him that you trust him to do the right thing......but if he doesn't do the right thing then its a dealbreaker.

You have to be candid. Then its up to him.

The only semi-plausible defuzzing explanation is that the hotel he is staying in has a pool.

But why on earth would he phone in the middle of the night to confess a female colleague was there? Why SHOULDN'T there be a female colleague there? He's trying to put you on the back foot by making out you wouldn't like it, so that now if you challenge him he can say "I TOLD you you'd over-react to it, just like you always do".

He text me saying he is on his lunch break and he loves me. I've said I cannot gloss over what he said and unless he is prepared to be fully honest with me the trust is gone in our marriage. He has lied and tried to blame me for my jokey comments which is frankly insulting and ridiculous. I have told him we need to have a serious talk. God knows when as he is not back til Friday. I could do with seeing his face now I know what he does when he lies.

He's not done a very good job of covering his tracks so far.

I wouldn't mention any of these concerns to him. You've got two weeks to dig around.I would call one of these little pc shops and see if you can take the pc in. I very much doubt he's gone to much trouble to cover his tracks. He doesn't need to , if you come in the room he shuts the screen and isn't challenged. It will probably cost you a mere fifty quid to get it looked at. Cheaters usually save their sleazy chats and pictures , it won't be hard to find.

You really need proof or the result will be a weak confrontation that he will deny. I would be all over this like flys round shit. You don't want this woman being step mum to your kids , and you don't want him fucking off with the family savings either.

I dont think it means he has cheated but I think it means he fancies colleague (not an issue neccessarily - well meet people we find attractive) and that she appears to reciprocate, and he was looking forward to what might happen on the trip.

He has told you. THat is a massive plus. However you have to talk to him seriously, tell him to redraw his boundaries and make sure he knows that any sort of infidelty is a deal-breaker for you (assuming it is of course).

It is a total deal-breaker. He knows this too. I asked him last night after his confession if there was anything he wanted to tell me, was he happy in our relationship because he should have the respect to tell me if not, We could go our separate ways. He said I was being melodramatic to which I countered it was hardly melodramatic in the context of what he had just told me.

I would also be laying it on the line very clearly for him. If he 'gives in to temptation' and has sex with his colleague then there is no coming back.

I do however see some hope in the fact that he was feeling so much guilt he had to wake you to tell you. That guilt may yet stop him from actually doing anything with her.

I wouldn't be waiting for two weeks to find out or have a serious, clear, conversation with him about it though. I just couldn't.

Good luck .

He has not replied to my text strangely enough. Perhaps he has choked in his sandwich? What do I do if he denies it all?

Sorry, x-posts. I see you have already made it clear that there would be no forgive & forget.

Sorry I am trying to get dc2 ready for nursery so cross-posting. It was meant to be a special day but I have hardly been able to concentrate on anything.

Maybe he has had to go back to whatever he was doing (work wise) now? Or maybe someone has come to talk to him & he is unable to sit there texting.

Or maybe there is something he needs to admit to & is trying to find the words, or waiting until he can call you.

Would feigning illness and coming home to have a proper grown up conversation be at all possible for him? Or would it be professional suicide?

Well he may very well have done nothing physical.....yet. Although his shutting down of Messenger hints at a burgeoning emotional affair. And it fits a pattern - he finds work hugely stressful, he finds a pretty face at work who possibly also faces the exact same stressors, and they can console each other.

Over time, she becomes a confidante. And then his feelings get a bit muddled. And then comes a work trip.....

All you can do is focus on your response, not his. You can't control his. You sound quite assertive, so thats good. Keep it up. He'll be gone for days so pace your anger. And yes, get the PC checked out if you need to.

He's doing what many cheaters do which is putting a disclaimer in place, so that if he decided to leave you after sleeping with her, OR if he wants to come back to you, he can say "but I told you - I confessed - there was no lie."

It's a total and utter headfuck.

You need to speak to him via any means possible as soon as possible. Tell him that if he is about to do something there is no going back, no disclaimer, no parallel universe where it both did and didn't happen and you both do and don't know.

Why are you being melodramatic? He phoned you at 2 in the morning to make a grand confession - that there was someone else with him on the work trip. And she happened to be female. Why did he crank the drama up if there was actually nothing to be concerned about?

I wouldn't push too hard on the defuzzing point when you talk to him - I don't think most of us would take kindly to our OHs saying "you were clearly going to have an affair as you shaved your legs". I appreciate social norms are different but I would stick to the fact he has made this dramatic confession and is now trying to minimise it again.

Why was he so stressed if a colleague was coming along to help him!

I smell a rat. Unfortunately I'm not sure how you can get proof at the moment. You could have demanded that he gives you his iphone so you can search messages and emails but no doubt they will be deleted by the time he gets home!

Sorry you are experiencing this!

Is he necessarily intending an affair? He may feel guilty for 'what if' thoughts. She may have zero interest in him. He may have misread friendliness for interest. It's been a while since he was single, he may have amnesia about staying entirely professional whilst working in an affable environment. So it's as well to refresh his memory. He's married, he de-fuzzes for himself and for you no-one else.

Have you had any jealousy issues before? Maybe that's why he didn't tell you about the female colleague. Surely if he was planning anything, he wouldn't tell you.

OP doesn't sound remotely like she has any "jealousy issues"

In fact, at the beginning of this thread she was so laid back about this situation I thought she wasn't on the level

Tribpot, shaving your legs when you're going to wear tights is NOT the same as shaving your balls!

I'd prepare yourself for a big confession, op.

Quitelikely that is what I'm thinking, someone helping would have been good news and taken some of the pressure off. He has had ample time to tell me about this. He will be back doing his training now so no doubt he will call later to speak to the dc.