what the hell am i supposed to think? is he gay? is he lying to me?so confused.very long!

[imnotamouse]

my hubbie works away alot and i've always been a little suspicious but he's always managed to make me feel secure and told me that he loves me.however,i started to feel there was something going on a couple of months ago and got more and more suspicious to a point where i actually attacked him...i know,i know it's disgusting and i felt really bad about it (scratched face and made him bleed etc.)we have had fights before but i noticed this time he didn't retaliate (this was alcohol fuelled aswell by the way). anyway, he went away last week and although we spoke on the phone i still didn't feel comfortable about him being away from home.(this is a man i've been married to for nearly 12 years and have been going out with for 18 years and who has worked away all through our relationship.even worked abroad for months on end sometimes).when he went to bed early without even asking if i wanted to join him (i knew he had a long journey the following morning so him going to bed early is not all that unusual)I looked into his mobile phone....never felt the need before but couldn't help myself. i came across video clips of women giving men blow-jobs etc.which to be honest didn't really bother me. i know that there are alot of things that many of us like to look at so just thought it was normal. however,when i came across his texts...from the previous night i couldn't believe what i was reading. they were suggestive texts from my hubbie in the context of looking forward to seeing this person "next monday" for "playtime" and other stuff which i don't want to type!without thinking,i ran upstairs with the phone in my hand and started screaming at my hubbie who was a little befuddled at that point.when he realised what i'd seen he tried to grab the phone off me which is when i found out the date of the texts and who they were for.he still tried to deny that they were recent put i had the proof infront of me and he had to back down.the most shocking part of all this for me though is that my apparently "homophobic" hubbie has been texting a BLOKE! he's my 3 kids'godfather....!this is a man who is about 10 years older than my husband and who my hubbie has always told me he "hates"-even though this man has found him all sorts of great jobs in the past and bailed him out with debt before now too. there is just so much past history that i really can't go and type everything in but to cut a long story short,my hubbie says it was just something to do when he was bored.i told him that he knew i wasn't a prude and why the hell couldn't he have had "textsex" with me!!!i'm the one after all who lies in bed lonely when he's away.he tells me he's not gay and that he's been stupid and that he's sorry. but i can't help thinking he's only sorry that he's been caught. apparently,he started it when he was "depressed"...about 4 years ago....? and that there had never been anything physical.anyway,i got hold of his laptop the other night and found a picture of my husband's willy there.it had been taken on a night in july when i know my hubbie was away and it was amongst all his family photos! when quizzed about this,he said he "couldn't send it anyway".not for the lack of trying obviously.(one of the texts the other night had said "you will c it on monday" which kind of makes sense now! i've told him i love him still and he's told me the same and we've tried so hard to be friends but i keep seeing this man's face laughing at me and i want to kill him.i'm so totally confused. i even wondered if this man's name was a cover for a woman on his mobile but again i can't uncover much now as i know my hubbie knows i'm onto him. am i a mug?

imnotamouse people are sceptical because this is effectively your first ever post on MN (unless you are a regular with a name change, but you didn't answer when that was asked earlier) and the topic is not about being a "mum" or looking after your child(ren) but is a slightly hectic post about your possibly homophobic possibly gay husband who you have attacked having a texting affair/sharing photo's of his knob with the godfather of your children who is actually either an irishman or an aisan woman....

Do you see...?

iamnotamouse, Heavenis is a little sceptical because you are new and you obviously haven't been around mumsnet for long because you use the word hubbie instead of dh and that you type in a long and rambling way and if you had been on mumsnet for a while you would probably know that it is difficult to read so you would put more paragraphs in ect.
Occasionally we get idiots on here that think it is funny to make up a scenario and waste a lot of well meaning peoples time by stringing them along with long and complicated stories, these are referred to as Trolls.
It is very possible that your situation is genuine and I have much sympathy. If he is playing away just find your childs godfathers number and call him.

i have indeed been a mumsnetter for a long long time.
i am using a different name due to the nature of this subject.
can't believe that my story is so shocking that people actually believe i'm a saddo making this up!
i bloody wish i was believe me!
and,although i've been called worse,i'm not a troll!
reason i don't use abbreviations is because i type as fast as i think and find it quicker to type out the whole word.
really shocked at some of you.
i've never seen such scepticism.

adn and and
this is what i feel right now

dont worry, if you've been around for a while you know what it's like on here when somebody who seems 'new' comes out with a bizarre story AND you'll know how often they are trolls..

that's true mascara.thanks for letting me let off steam there!
This is the only place I can talk about this anonymously. Can't talk to my "real"friends about it as they all have partners who wouldn't be able to look at my hubbie in the eye again.
suppose i'm protecting him...and me...at the moment. but i swear that-although i rant...can't help it at the moment....this is happening to me right now.

i believe you because i read another post of yours today saying you were going to start this thread. its shocking and i htink you are handling it very well, better than i would.

where is he now, what does he think will happen next?

what exactly has he admitted to?

i think relate is definatly an option for the sake of your children and closure for you (if you decide to end it you will know all your questions have been answered and you have explored every avenue) and the best outcome is if you deal with it and can move on from it, all of that will be far away tho i imagine.

theres support here for you when you need to vent at the very least (((((hugs)))))

Just to say I definitely believed you from the start. I think these things are much more common that we think. Look at Mark Oaten

ooh....tricky situation. just been reading the thread and catching up with the posts.

i was in an incredibly similar situation with my ex-DP, he had had previous relationships with men (who were technically below the legal age of consent for homosexual intercourse at the time!! ) and i found letters and emails from gay dating sites. although he always swore blind he wasn't gay, he used to do other stuff which i won't post on here, and then lied about it constantly. when found out he would go on the defensive, become abusive, you name it. although it was different to you imnotamouse, we were only together for 4 years in total, and no kids involved, i can well understand the trauma of this kind of thing, even if you're not a prude (or a troll, or a mouse! )

to be honest, i would draw a line underneath all this. say to your DH something like, 'ok, this has happened, i doubt i'll ever get the whole story, but it doesn't matter. i still love you, you say you still love me, the kids need stability and so we'll leave all this behind us. BUT if i EVER find anything like this out again, then you are outta here!' i tried that with my ex-DP (several times, actually, i'm a mug too ) and in the end i threw him out, because i just never knew if he was telling the truth or not!

ooh...this turned into a bit of a ramble didn't it? i really hope you sort things out mate. it's such an awful situation. take care. xxx

imnotamouse I am fairly new here too (but do post under two names depending on the nature of the post - my usual name is too close to my 'real' name and then I can't be bothered to change it back sometimes like now as I think I do it the long way round!). Anyway, I understand where the ladies are coming from with regard to trolls but I too have found it a bit 'odd' at times trying to get into the board. Don't get me wrong I love it to bits and thinks it's ace - don't seem to have time to do anything else these days lol! I really hope you get some great support on here (as you are) as what you are going thru is just horrible!

I don't know what to say other than contact the man or ring the no again and if you get an answermachine keep ringing til someone answers - or leave a msg - make one up if you don't want to leave yr real details - I don't know something like a parcel needs collecting and ask them to call yr no to arrange delivery etc!

I really don't know what your DH is playing at here - it all doesn't add up. I just only hope you get it sorted in the best way for you and your kids. Think you've already been given some sound advice. Still think if DH really wants to make it work you need to think about counselling - getting violent with each other when drunk is not great for a relationship in any circs.

thankyou everyone for your support.
it's just nice to know there's someone i can "talk" to.
theurbandryad,i have done exactly what you've suggested.told him i can draw a line;need the whole truth;all that you mentioned.take it you just couldn't get over it in the end?
i want to be close to him but every time i do get close, i see this man sneering at me.
definately need some kind of counselling or something...although this didn't go down well mentioned it last night.
what i can't understand-if he is gay-why these men just don't come clean. it would hurt but at least i'd know.
i've tried and tried to get through to this no.from his mobile but i'm getting an irish voice message.cannot figure any of this out for the life of me!

well, i did draw a line. we tried again and again and again, but he always went back to his old ways. in the end i finished with him because it felt like i was banging my head against a brick wall! counselling is a good idea though. doesn't matter if he won't go with you, speak to your GP and get some kind of help on your own. and if your DH won't a) come clean b) help you to rebuild your relationship and c) stop doing whatever the funk it was he was doing in the first place then i would not be shy about kicking him out of the marital home. sorry, i know that sounds harsh, but i have very little patience these days. i know it must be hard for the guy too, to accept that he is gay (or whatever!!!) but you know what? tough shit. there are other people in the world besides them. and you and your kids are what matter.

i'm a hard-nosed bitch aren't i??

get the phone number and ring it.....that way you will know if the name is a cover up for a woman.sounds very possible to me

take it you have done this...........ooops didnt read thread properly.....i have been using mumsnet for a while now and still havent got the hang of the abbreviations...
DH darling husband
DP I know this is to do with kids but not sure what it stands for...
IKYM or whatever it is god knows?? would anyone like to help out and maybe write a little list as i would love to start using the "correct" jargon!!!

hope im not diverting the thread away from the intended topic

very hard urbandryad very hard!!!

there is an acronym list at the top of the page.
IYSWIM is if you see what i mean!

Imo if he won't go to the counselling too then there isn't much point I think you are both in this together and therefore need to work it out together (if you want to). If he won't even go to that then he's not trying v hard is he!! Sorry to be harsh but.....

I don't think you are a troll but i do think you have a bisexual dh who is very very embarrassed and will not in a million years admit to his gay relationship/s.

My gay friend tells me it's staggering how many happily married 'straight' men have a bit of a secret gay life, it's a lot more common than many people realise.

What you do about it is another matter though, sorry

shimmy - that is really shocking! I never realised but I suppose it's prob something you don't think about unless it happens to you. My Mum's neighbour left her husband of 25 years for a woman at work (!) we were all rather shocked!

imnotamouse - maybe shimmy is right - tbh I do think that the man's name to cover a woman's name is a bit suspicious. If he were trying to cover his tracks that much he would have deleted stuff off his phone/pc etc as well. It's awful for you but I'm with shimmy - I think he may be bisexual (is the Godfather bi do you know?). And like someone else on here said that could bring all sorts of STD connotations with it. God your world must be in turmoil - I really feel for you {hugs}.

sorry mousey, it sounds awful

according to your original post, your husband admitted that he started a relationship with this man 4 years ago, and it has been continuing ever since?

I would just ring this man - he is your children's godfather, and your friend, so you know his number I assume - and tell him that your DH has confessed and you want to talk to him about it

A lot of men with sexual feelings towards other men deal with this by saying that they 'hate' gay men. They may also think that they are just 'playing' when they have gay sex, and that it isn't 'real' sex because it is not intercourse with a woman. I would agree with the other posters who say to be very careful about your own health in this situation

Sorry again mousie

Hi INAM

Could it be that your DH has warned this person that you might be calling them and so they're not answering their phone? Is it a landline or mobile? If landline how about phoning Directory Enquiries and say you're having probs dialling could they help (they might have caller ID phone so can see when it's his/your no coming up?)

When was the last time you spoke to this guy (GF to your kids?) Does he could visit/live in Ireland?

Do you have access to your husband mobile phone bill? What phone provider is he with? If it's Orange you can access his bills online then you could see the other numbers he's been texting and try one of them?

I agree with PPs that it's very dodgy if your husband doesn't want councelling. Surely he realises the magnitude of all this? If I were in this situation I could not move on until all my questions had been answered to my satisfaction and that I understood what had gone on, it sounds to me like there's still too many pieces of this puzzle that you don't have.

Hugs to you, I really hope this gets sorted out. Not only is this an awful situation it's a really awful shock for you.

aah, poor you.i do hope you get to the bottom of this complex saga soon.

btw, i think it's a bit mean of people to criticise your punctuation, when you've come on here for support!

The way you set it out looks like he's been seeing this man for years. Also if he's been supposedly homophobic sometimes that's actually a sign they're kind of covering up true views.

That politician's wife whose husband saw gay prostitutes has him go with her for weekly therapy, is trying to rebuild the marriage, makes him be home a huge lot more than before, say where he is when he's away and she gets a night or two in London alone each week free of the children etc etc and all this is apparently helping her and them see if they can stay together etc.

You don't suddehly show gay tendencies because you're bored or depressed but he might genuinely just be a bit bisexual but the trouble here is the very close relationship with this other man for a long period, helping him out etc which is exactly the sort of thing people do for a lover.

tired so ive only read bits of the thread but you said he said it was just fantasy but d=fantasy is something thats only in your head, not texts and meetings etc especially over a long period of time like that.whether he's slept with this man is questionable but the fact that he's obviously been interested in someone else, let alone the same sex and been having some kind of sexual relationship with him in my opinion is an affair.

his homophobia is obviously a coverup for the fact that he's interested in this man.maybe through the helping him out and being there etc there were feelings brought up which have been mistaken for something else but that doesnt explain or excuse the sexual side of things.

his behaviour of getting upset, angry, deleting numbers ans storming out then saying he was sick to make you feel you want to look after him are seriously guilty actions, ive seen them many times before from an ex.he's trying every angle to see which one you respond to so he can wear you down and get the subject dropped.

if you want to try to ebuild the relationship that is your decision.im working through te relationship with my dp at the moment and it is hard.once the trust has gone its very hard to build it back up again and for these things to be happening with your dh for such a long period of time you honestly need to ask yourself whether you could ever truly trust him again.

i really do wish you all the best and hope that you find some way of getting through this.dont just take him back and sweep it all under the carpet because its easier because it wont all go away.you do need answers or it will eat you up inside.
good luck and take care.i really do feel for you