What is this situation, and how do i practically and emotionally get out of it? (long, possibly triggering)

[notsurehowigottothispoint]

Sorry, this is extremely long and i'm so worried about posting. It has been therapeutic to put it down in words though, and thank you so much if you get to the end.

I am a very long time lurker and occasional poster but have NC for this post. There is so much to say.. I guess I will start with what happened this weekend just gone and fill in from there to give a more detailed picture of the situation I have found myself in. This has been going on, on and off, for four, nearly five years.

On Friday I went away with ‘him’, for 2 nights at a b&b to “spend some time together”. We’re not ‘together’ and haven’t been for years as it has been really on and off, he is nice for a bit then does something awful and I am hurt and back away then he swears he’s changed…god it’s such a cliché.

Anyway, we went for a pub meal, I had one glass of wine, we went back to the hotel and I changed into pyjamas and got into bed. I kissed him, said I had enjoyed spending time with him and that I was shattered, turned over and went to sleep, drowsy with it being late- when I am tired its almost like a physical shutdown, I just crash out and can be asleep within a minute of my head hitting the pillow.

I was aware of him sort of trying it on as I drifted off, and said no, leave me alone, he stopped and I was able to get to sleep. Woke up I don’t know how long afterwards with a sharp pain as he was pushing his penis into me. I exclaimed ow! , said stop!, and he muttered sorry, I put my hand over myself ( my vagina) and must have fallen back into sleep.

Woken again by him pulling my shorts down and trying to touch and push his fingers into my vagina and bum (I’m sorry for TMI but don’t know how else to explain it). I pushed his hands off and said stop it, but he kept going back, wouldn’t stop, I was so tired. I crawled out of bed onto the floor to get away from him and he was like, look, I’m sorry, I’ll leave you alone, get back into bed. This happened once more and he got angry and said fine I’ll fucking sleep on the floor.

Around 4am I woke up and my bits were on fire, I had to get up and hold a cold wet towel on them in the bathroom. He moaned that I was waking him up (he was on the floor with spare blankets).

The next morning I was still sore and he was acting all nice as pie talking about what we were going to do that day. I was in the shower and sort of had a bit of a panic, as I was sexually abused and raped by older boys when I was 13 and as I got older and in my mind I was in the shower trying to soothe my sore bits and feeling about 13.
He was in the room between the bathroom and the door to get out and I felt a bit panicky.
No one knows this, but he knows something happened like that in my past. I told him I was having a bit of a panic and he was like “Why??”

I came out of the shower and told him I wasn’t happy about how he’d acted last night. I explained how sore I was. He said “I’ve already said I’m sorry, what more do you want me to do?”. I said that he has said sorry so many times before that it has lost meaning for me. I am sick of him always thinking he can take what he wants from me. He went completely mental saying oh are you calling me a rapist then?? I said no, but it wasn’t exactly consent if I was asleep is it? He said “ that’s it, here we go I’m such a bastard” etc etc. I asked him to take me home and he got really angry and drove dangerously and aggressively.
I have been in this situation so many times I have lost count. It feels normal. Since then I’ve had the usual messages ranging from I’m sorry, I’ll change, to “we’re obviously sexually incompatible” and “you just can’t handle my desire”.

History part: (I will try and be as concise as possible, as I say this has been going on for years and a lot has happened)

*10 months after I broke up with DS(now 6)’ dad, I was asked out for a drink by ‘him’. Had known of him and met him a few times over previous 5 yrs as had mutual friends. Friends actively encouraged me to meet with him. Went out and looking back he tried it on first night we met but I rebuffed him as I just personally can’t do sexual things with people I don’t know and care for.

*We started dating and 4 months in at his Bday drinks he got really drunk and this girl he knows was all over him, touching his chest, he ignored me all night despite me trying to join conversation, I went out to beer garden for less than 15 mins while a friend smoked and he went mental and got angry cause I’d apparently “fucked off”. I thought I’d better take him home, we stopped for food and this girl popped up and they were literally touching each others faces for about 40 mins while I stood there with a cold pizza and only stopped when I got in a taxi to leave.
Next day all apologies and swore he’d not have contact with her – FF to him leaving his fb message open on my laptop where he was asking her when she was next free for a drink. Lied to my face, then sorry. (Sounds so teenage, no?)

*The whole time he has accused me of sleeping with my son’s dad because I put myself out to facilitate contact and promote his relationship with DS.

*Accuses me of sleeping with male friend I’ve known since I was 17.

*When I bumped into old housemate I haven’t seen for a decade he threw a tantrum cause I was ‘ignoring him and taking the piss’, was rude to said friend and stormed off. When we got home he ranted for FOUR HOURS about how I was taking the piss and I don’t care about him, when I asked him to stop shouting at me he screamed “ This isn’t shouting THIS IS FUUUUUCKING SHOUUUUUTINGGGGG!!!!” Poor kids next door. Then refused to let me leave his house or sleep in a different room to me and slept practically ‘guarding’ me all night on the floor next to the sofa I slept on cause I wouldn’t go to bed with him. Oh and he threw sofa cushions around with such force they snapped his solid wood blinds. Again next day he’s “sorry” and he’ll change.

*Threw strops about me wanting to go to college to get into uni and why won’t I move in and have kids with him. Accused me of sleeping with every male on said college course.

*When I actually got confidence from going to college and met new friends and broke up with him (very carefully) he waged a campaign against me with 100’s of abusive texts a day, emails, letters, and actually standing outside my window and looking into my basement flat where he saw a male friend I was actually telling how scared I was he would do something awful and going completely mental that I’d been “fucking”(ugh) this guy all along and I’m a lying bitch etc etc. I hadn’t, of course.

*Around this time he purposefully got in contact with a girl I had been very close friends with but she had dumped me with no explanation while my son (then 2) was seriously ill in hospital at xmas, and repeatedly slept with her then told me all about it. Why it had to be her I still don’t understand as it was heartbreaking. He told me how they sat there and said I didn’t deserve him.

*Every time I was so hurt I felt I couldn’t take any more and broke up with him, he was so relentless and alternately vicious and horrible about me or telling me what a princess I am, banging on my door, phonecalls etc I am ashamed to say it was just easier to see him.

*Over all these years I have done things like: Had sex with him to get him to stop hurting and pawing/poking/prodding at me. Cried as he had sex with me. Given him hand relief to get him to leave me alone.

*Since I have completed college at distinction, gained a place at an excellent uni and moved cities on my own with DS, he has said things like “I bet you tell everyone at Uni you’re a poor old single mum an no one loves you so that they feel sorry for you”. I’m alternately a bitch, a “fucking little pikey cunt”(?!) and a lovely woman, a princess.

I would like to point out that DS has actually only witnessed one incident where there was low level arguing out of the room and he then called me a bitch in front of him which was unacceptable. The rest has been messages, emails, phonecalls, and when DS has not been there. Everyone thinks he is a good looking charming man. The above are just a few examples of a lot of things that have happened.

Outwardly, I must seem capable, I am bringing up a son, I’m full time at uni on a professional course, I am getting good marks, excellent feedback on placement. Part of me is just indifferent about this whole thing, that I might as well accept I’ll never be free of him, the harassment, the declarations of love, I might as well just have his kids and do what he wants. Why do I go back? I just can’t answer that. Maybe part of me wants to be loved. I feel dismayed that this has taken five years of my life, but part of me feels I probably deserve it.

Reading this back I sound like a spineless victim and I’m ashamed at the reality of it. Please can you be honest with me about what this situation is, and how best, practically and emotionally, to get out of it? I am in another cycle of apologies and promises of change from him at the moment, he is not listening to what I am saying.

Thank you so much for reading.

Pacific I agree with the long period of healing. The counselling I had in my old town helped enormously, I enrolled in college, went NC with my mother and sister, became a better mum, got tools to help me deal with myself and other people.
I obviously have a long way still to go.

TED presentation on introverts

Quiet - book about 'The Power of Introverts in a World that Cannot Stop Talking

Maybe these can help to make you feel more positive about who/what you are?
You sound darn determined btw, so have a lot going for you.

Yy - you are projecting your need for love and security onto other people, rather than looking after yourself first. It's an easy mistake to make, and it isn't a bad thing, as long as you realise that you should be looking after yourself too. (Lots of people who work in caring professions do so because at heart they want someone to look after them.) You are just as important as other people, so make sure that you are giving yourself the love and care and fun you need, whilst you are waiting for someone to come along to help out.

Can you MN on your phone? Text/chat to us whilst you are outside school/when you feel like texting 'him'. MN may not quite be real life, but we are real people, and we are here 24/7.

It sucks that you have been treated badly by so many people. You sound lovely! Let this be a real new start for you: chance to work on the freedom programme, to get to know yourself better, to become more content in yourself and to make new friends who like you. It will take a while but finishing your course, starting a new job, and having your ds to help you meet new people are all part of that new life.

HTH

Wow, thank you so much, I have just decided I will copy some of these posts and put them in my academic diary that I take everywhere.
I can pretend i'm checking something like a date, but it will be much more important.
Starting with this on the school run:

^Nought wrong with being an introvert.
Nothing wrong with not being part of the 'in-crowd'.
You have to learn to trust yourself and your judgement again.
And you will^

italics fail!

If I can get decent signal (or whatever non-wifi internet signal is called) I will definitely MN from outside school!
I am trying with the playground ladies, DS made a heart card for one of the girls and she asked her mum if he could come to her house but she said not today, and didn't speak to me or DS, hasn't since.. bit awkward.

She hasn't mentioned the card, I always say hi but it stalls there. I would love him to make some little friends, as we moved over the summer again and he had to start year one as a new boy, and I so know how that feels, every 6 months to two years having to try and mix. All the mums know each other from last year so I am the new mum too.
I try to think sod it, like AF, drop and run, run away!!

Is there another child your DS would like to invite over to yours? Would you feel comfortable doing that?

It is hard when everyone seems to be sorted out already for friends and you're on the outside. It's hard when your DC is an only too (same here).

I have had my lemon moments. They pass. You've got enough to deal with atm without playground mums issues!

Yy to what you've achieved in the last few years being marvellous.

Thank you TalkingintheDark yes, I said to DS he could invite a friend round, house is still full of boxes but his room is done so that might be nice. I'll mention it tomorrow, I wouldn't feel that comfortable but it's about DS not me.
That TED talk on introverts was interesting, feel slightly more normal.
No texts since 7 pm,

Another lemon here!

Does your ds go to any clubs yet? We found karate brilliant, and cubs was good too for making new friends. And they are less pressurised than school at pick up time - parents more willing to chat and be relaxed.

HTH

Crikey OP, I've spent decades honing the introversion, the most fascinating people on the planet are introverts. Sadly not me, I am pale and uninteresting but that's the way I roll. And I like it like that.

Cog and Any and nany others have given you great advice here.
Focus on the best thing in your world - your little boy.

Have WA got back to you yet?
I hope this waste of space leaves you alone with minimal trouble.

Many others.

Another text just now bout how i'm a sweetheart and he misses me.

Not heard from WA. I did email the local branch as well. I expect they're really busy with the more serious stuff.

FunkyBoldRibena I will work towards 'liking the way I roll' :)

Longtallsally (I'm really tall too) I keep emailing re Beaver Scouts cause theres a hut at the end of our new road, but they just aren't replying. I remember loving Brownies and Guides ( mainly getting away on camp and grubbing about in the woods and making fire). Thanks for the nudge, I might try again tomorrow.
Going to a meeting after school re a French afterschool class that DS is interested in- looks fun for him, and he starts breakfast and afterschool club next week when I go back to uni so maybe he will make friends of different ages there.

Good morning Notsure. I'm sure that you are ignoring him, but just in case you need a reminder: ignore, ignorre, ignore those texts. They are the offerings of someone who likes to control and hurt you. They are the sweets designed to entice you into the car, so that he then has control again, and can take you back to where you were.

WA are not dealing with anything more important than you. Once they read that email, you will be top of their priority. You have been in a very vey abusive relationship. They are much more likely just not so hot on emails, maybe caught up on the phone and short staffed. Hang on in there.

Re the beavers, can you spot which night and what time they arrive. (Beavers may be in blue t shirts/sweat shirts, I think). Once you have worked that out, try popping down to say hello ten or fifteen minutes before they begin, and ask the Beaver leader if the emails are getting through.

Hope that after school club and French club work out OK for your little man.

Hope you're still 'no contact' this morning OP and it's all going well. If you don't hear from WA by close of play, suggest you pick up the phone. Your case is just as important as anyone else's and I think it would be an important boost to your self-esteem & personal development to have that conversation and push your needs to the forefront.

Good morning. Agree with sally re ignoring texts and WA.

Clubs sound a good idea, hope something works out. Btw, about him inviting a friend round, it's great you've already said he can do that, but seeing as you don't feel that comfortable about it, it wouldn't hurt to wait until things have settled down a bit. Extra pressure you don't need!

Good morning, yes, I am still no contact. I've had five more after the one where he said 'goodbye' ! Asking questions, trying to get me to reply.

I am due a phone upgrade so I might go into town and while I am enquiring ask the phone shop staff about number blocking, because my handset can put him on a reject list, which means it automatically rejects his calls, but it comes up as a missed call. Which is still a bit stressful.

Feeling down this morning.

Hi notsure, you are doing really well. I remember when I was in the middle of it all. I just felt so weary and finished with everything and like I would never meet new people or be able to put in that kind of effort with anyone again. That wasn't true, it was a result of how ground down I had become, walking on eggshells and jumping at my own shadow, having trust constantly betrayed.

Like others have said, it doesn't get magically better overnight, it is a gradual process, but you have to start down the right road to getting there and that is what you are doing.

I am still an introvert, I've recently moved to a new area and everyone seems to have a whole bunch of friends but me, but I don't dwell on it too much, and if I start to have the old thoughts that there's something wrong with me, I'm capable now of pushing them aside, and passing the time of day with someone and being positive.

I met my now DH 6 months after going no contact with my ex. The difference in being with someone who is interested in you and wants to be with you but who gives you space, encourages your interests and friendships is amazing, but it is not extraordinary. It is what everyone deserves and should have.

On a practical level, can you get a new number and handset? Keep the old so you've got a record of the harassment, but not have to have it on you constantly?

Hope you have a good day today

You could get a different sim, then you'd have a new number which he wouldn't know....

Call 101 and have a chat with the DV Unit. If he does turn up, your number will be flagged so the police will know to get to you quickly.

You are doing brilliantly. Not reacting to his harrassment is hard, you've been trained to acquiesce and you're fighting that really hard.

You are being harrassed. There are laws against it. The police will take it all seriously, including the rapes. I am so sorry you've been through all that, it's truly awful.

Get angry! You deserve fury! I am so on your behalf. How dare he? How very fucking dare he? (excuse the language!) You are worth so much more than this.

Hi Sootgremlin, thank you for replying. I am so glad you are in a much better place now
Yeah, I dropped DS off and he looked fed up going into class, i'm not sure he's enjoying this new school as much, hopefully this French thing will perk him up, if we can sign him up. I worry so much about him, I didn't enjoy school at all, and used to escape into book world at every opportunity. I try to be positive and enthusiastic and interested about him and school.

It definitely seems like I have a long road ahead of me, I thought after the last bout of counselling in my old town and doing the whole college/uni thing and getting away from my mum/sister I was well on the way.
I feel ridiculous that I was blindsided by this guy, I alternately kind of miss him then feel sick and angry.
I don't feel like interacting with anyone IRL at the moment, coming on here is amazing though. I need to have a shower and go to town, I just keep thinking about all the people i'll have to speak to and what a loser they would think I was if they knew.

Jux I really hate talking on the phone, I can't imagine what I would say
I'm angry with myself that I am that pathetic

You are not a loser! You're doing really well.

Hi Kateegee, thank you. Feeling ground down today.
Hope you are ok xx

Yes, I'm ok thanks. Be assured that I, and probably many other people here know exactly how you feel so don't be hard on yourself for feeling down. The more you write the more I empathise with you because we sound like similar people who have gone through similar shit, right down to feeling insecure about being an introvert. I'm in a similar position to you and having the same wobbles, the same doubts. Your ex man sounds far more horrendous and dangerous than mine, so you are definitely doing the right thing.

I hate talking on the phone too, it used to bring me out in a sweat. I used to dial numbers and put the phone down as they were ringing as I would panic (people probably thought I was a prank caller, now I think about it). Now I only use the phone to make complaints at companies, because I am angry and know I am justified I have complete confidence in what I am saying. But for everything else I prefer emails/texts/speaking in person. I've decided it's not pathetic, it's just different people have different preferences for communication. I just find phonecalls a really alien concept, and I have decided that's not necessarily weird.

You sound like a great mum! Even if your son is finding things a bit strange at the moment he will feel supported by you, which is hugely important.