Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it just me, or is this quite mean?...

83 replies

Blushingm · 21/09/2014 20:49

My mum died and it's her funeral tomorrow. We were estranged but she's still my mum.

Dh and I haven't been getting on so well recently - he got his parents involved who tried to interfere - discussed out sex life or lack of it. They say me down and grilled me about it so I'm no longer welcome over there etc

Anyway - dh has said he won't come to the funeral with me - cos he doesn't want to ask for time off at work and because we've not been getting on

I think he's being mean - regardless of things recently I would've thought he'd be able to put it aside just for one day but it seems not.

I'm just after opinions. I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive or if he's just being mean

Thanks

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2014 20:50

I think that is very mean

You need support. Not sidelining.

Humansatnav · 21/09/2014 20:51

He is being mean.

kimlo · 21/09/2014 20:51

Thats not just mean, it would be the end of me. If he cant support you now whats the point?

Sorry about your mum.

tribpot · 21/09/2014 20:52

Unforgivably mean. I'm very sorry to hear about your mum.

leelteloo · 21/09/2014 20:53

Soooo mean. Sorry you are going through all this op. It doesn't matter if you were 'close' to your mother at the time of her dearth: she was your mother and you need to mourn her and grieve the loss of the mother you wished she could have been. If he can't take a bit of time off to be either you at this time, I would say there is no future.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/09/2014 20:53

Very, very mean - actually 'mean' is a bit of a twee word, he's being nasty, vindictive and hateful.

LadyStark · 21/09/2014 20:55

That's horrible behaviour, I couldn't be married to a man who would behave like this.

Original poster
Blushingm · 21/09/2014 20:58

Thanks for your replies...............I don't know why he's being like he is. We've not had a big row or anything it's just generally just not getting on and me pissed off because of his parents interference (which he thinks is completely normal of them!)

OP posts:
smilingthroughgrittedteeth · 21/09/2014 20:59

Im sorry for your loss

Mean isnt the right word, nasty, insensitive, uncaring all much more appropriate.

It would be the end of dp and I

Iflyaway · 21/09/2014 21:00

Nasty. Not just abandoning you in your hour of need but also for making his parents privy to your private life. WTF?!

I would seriously be contemplating my future direction. without him in it

Original poster
Blushingm · 21/09/2014 21:00

I'm beginning to think this might even be the straw that broke the camels back

OP posts:
SirRaymondClench · 21/09/2014 21:04

IMO he is not being mean, he is being an utter cunt.

If he can't be there for you right now, what is the point of being married to him? Tell him to move back in with his frankly weird and interfering parents.

I hope everything goes ok for you tomorrow, I'm sorry to hear about your mum.
Thanks

AnyFucker · 21/09/2014 21:05

I'm beginning to think this might even be the straw that broke the camels back

You would not be unreasonable in that sentiment

jackydanny · 21/09/2014 21:06

Could you give him one last (secret) chance?
Ask him to please, come and support you at the funeral as it is important for you to be present.
If he doesn't...think about starting to extract yourself.

I think you should give him a chance as he may be in a negative rut and not realise the enormity without you really spelling it out.

borisgudanov · 21/09/2014 21:12

He is being an absolutely spiteful twat. Frankly I'd be giving him an ultimatum.

Iliveinalighthousewiththeghost · 21/09/2014 21:12

Sorry the heartbreaking loss of your lovely mum.
He is being very mean indeed and very unsupportive you don't need all that a man and I use the term very loosely acting like a child at a time like this.
If you have to beg your husband to support you through one of the worse things a person will go through in their lives losing a parent. Then I am so sorry and I hope I don't come over as patronising but I really do not see much more of a future for you.

Viviennemary · 21/09/2014 21:13

It is his absolute duty to support you tomorrow by going. I agree ask him to please come as you want him there.

GarlicSeptimus · 21/09/2014 21:13

I'm with AF. He's showing you where you stand in his world.

Sorry about your mum. I loathed my dad, but his death was a massive emotional shock. The funeral was cathartic and I hope you find it helpful, too.

ButternutBosc · 21/09/2014 21:17

He is being awful, he should be supporting you, through your grief at your mothers death and all the feelings surrounding being estranged, and at the funeral.

Original poster
Blushingm · 21/09/2014 21:53

Thank you for being so kind

Not sure what to do now........I've asked him again if he will one and he says it's too late to organise everything now Hmm

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2014 21:57

Have you someone else that can support you on the day ?

Don't ask him again. He has demonstrated to you exactly where you lie in his regard.

AnyFucker · 21/09/2014 21:59

Re. your rocky relationship with your mum? I have a similarly bad one with my father. My DH knows that when the times comes he will need to step up big time. It goes without saying.

Original poster
Blushingm · 21/09/2014 22:02

AF - I always thought he would be there.........I was obviously wrong

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 21/09/2014 22:03

My mum was an alcoholic - she died because of the effects of long term drinking

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 21/09/2014 22:04

I am sorry Thanks