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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it just me, or is this quite mean?...

83 replies

Blushingm · 21/09/2014 20:49

My mum died and it's her funeral tomorrow. We were estranged but she's still my mum.

Dh and I haven't been getting on so well recently - he got his parents involved who tried to interfere - discussed out sex life or lack of it. They say me down and grilled me about it so I'm no longer welcome over there etc

Anyway - dh has said he won't come to the funeral with me - cos he doesn't want to ask for time off at work and because we've not been getting on

I think he's being mean - regardless of things recently I would've thought he'd be able to put it aside just for one day but it seems not.

I'm just after opinions. I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive or if he's just being mean

Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
Blushingm · 21/09/2014 22:06

Thank you x

OP posts:
Christmascandles · 21/09/2014 22:10

This is a lot more than being mean OP. This is completely indifferent to your feelings. I see you've asked him again and he still refuses...

Is there anyone else that can go with you. Are you likely to see other family members there from which you are estranged?

I would use tomorrow as your springboard for a better life. Lay your mum to rest and then set about carving yourself a new, happier life. The first step to which is sending this fucking twat back to his parents..... Don't waste any more of your life with him my friend, he really isn't worth it Thanks

MinibirdYay · 21/09/2014 22:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

formerbabe · 21/09/2014 22:25

I think it is dreadful that he isn't going to go with you. Regardless of your arguments/issues you may have as a couple he should definitely be there for you. So sorry op Flowers

Darkesteyes · 21/09/2014 22:32

Im so sorry about your mum OP Thanks

Your DHs behaviour is absolutely disgusting. Utterly contemptible Angry

fieldfare · 21/09/2014 22:35

I'm sorry about your mum op.
For me, his actions now at a time when you need his support the most, not being there to support you would finish it off.

BiggerYellowTaxi · 21/09/2014 22:36

I feel pretty certain that if anyone asked me to attend their mother's funeral with them, I'd go. He's being horribly callous and dismissive of your feelings and I don't think I'd be able to get past it.

Original poster
Blushingm · 21/09/2014 22:44

The more I think about it the more angry I feel. 2 lovely friends offered to come but I declined - it would just have been awkward

OP posts:
whitsernam · 21/09/2014 22:57

Please call your friends again and have them come. You really don't want to do this alone, especially if H is being such an unsupportive jerk. BTW, I have a friend for whom this was the final straw.... and did lead to divorce. You would not be out of line to walk now...

Andro · 21/09/2014 23:07

Mean doesn't cover it.

I would have thought that in any committed relationship, supporting your OH when a parent has died would go without saying? It just basic human decency to support your partner in life!

Clobbered · 21/09/2014 23:09

Agree, you should call your friends back first thing tomorrow. They will understand that you are emotional and have changed your mind. It would be curtains for me if my DP didn't support me at such a difficult time. Kick the bastard into touch.

ThinkIveBeenHacked · 21/09/2014 23:09

So basically your emotional wellbeing matters not one jot to him. He is a dick.

tipsytrifle · 21/09/2014 23:11

Condolences on your loss, blushingm. Tomorrow is important for closure - though there may be many unresolved issues and events in your relationship with your mother. But tomorrow is important as a start to laying them to rest, along with her.

Your H sounds like a jerk. I have a feeling his refusal to support you may be the last straw in a long line of possibly abusive behaviour?

Perhaps you need to get through tomorrow first. After that, in your own time, you might find we can be helpful in other ways.

Christmascandles said it well at Sun 21-Sep-14 22:10:10

TracyBarlow · 21/09/2014 23:12

Gosh that's awful. Really awful.

I read some horrid things on here but that's one of the coldest, most cruel things I've read.

If a complete stranger asked me to support them on the day of their mum's funeral, I'd do it. I can't actually comprehend not going to my partner's mum's funeral, whatever the situation.

I hope it goes ok. Just get through it for tomorrow and think about the rest of it on Tuesday xx

jackydanny · 21/09/2014 23:15

So sorry OP Sad

Put him to one side for now and just focus on getting through the funeral.
When you are feeling stronger you can do something about him if you wish.

Come back and let is know how it went...thinking of you Flowers

Hatespiders · 21/09/2014 23:16

I'm so very sorry about the loss of your mum.

Disgraceful attitude of your husband. His duty is to support you in this. But he should want to anyway out of love and compassion for you.

And totally out of order to discuss your private life with his parents. What a cheek!.

He's horrid. I couldn't stay with a cold-hearted disloyal man like this.

Charlie97 · 21/09/2014 23:19

I'm sorry about your mum, I lost a brother to alcohol earlier this year.....it's tough, it's mixed emotions and it's exhausting.

Be kind to yourself, your mum wasn't always alcohol dependent, but sometimes it just overtakes a life.

I'm sorry that your OH has not got the ability to put aside your differences and strengthen your relationship by being by your side tomorrow. Does he realise that this is a massive statement, that will never be forgotten

Can't take time off work for his MIL funeral? Shocking!

HexBramble · 21/09/2014 23:29

Sorry about your loss OP Flowers

Shocking and bitterly disappointing about your DH. I don't think I'd want to get past this Sad. His failure to support you is terrible. Telling his parents about your sex life is appalling.

GoldfishCrackers · 21/09/2014 23:44

I'm sorry OP. And I'm sorry your H has made a difficult time even worse. Thanks
If he's so atrocious that he won't even support you at a time like this, I can only imagine how soul-destroying it must be to live with him day to day.
I hope you get one of your lovely friends to come along tomorrow.

itsbetterthanabox · 21/09/2014 23:46

That is cruel of him. If your partner isn't there when you need them most then you don't need them at all.

Isetan · 22/09/2014 00:07

How supportive do you think he'd be if he attended? Being estranged from a parent and the complicated and conflicting emotions surrounding it, can be very difficult for a lot of people to understand. However, he isn't attending because he doesn't understand, he's not attending in order to punish you when you need his support. I suspect this type of behaviour isn't uncommon for your H and you've probably dealt with other acts of twatishness as isolated incidents. Use the hurt from this latest act of disrespect as a catalyst to tackle the unacceptable behaviour of this idiot.

Stop asking why he is behaving like a twat and start asking why the hell you put up with it.

Lweji · 22/09/2014 00:13

If you were asking yourself at any time if you were even partly responsible for the difficulties in your relationship, then he has just answered you.
It is him.

RubbishMantra · 22/09/2014 00:18

He's already let you down massively by discussing your private life with his parents. Brutally inappropriate. My STBXH did this throughout our relationship.

IMHO, men like this don't know how to offer support to anyone. All they want is for everybody (especially you) to feel sorry for them all the time. They expect support, but will not give you the same.

If he were to come along tomorrow, I'm sure he would make it about him, and how difficult it was for him.

Like others have said, take somebody who will offer you support.

ChippingInLatteLover · 22/09/2014 00:25

Sorry to hear about your Mum, estranged or not, she was your Mum and her dying means you no longer have the hope that things will change and she will be the Mum you wanted her to be - it's a hell of a lot to come to terms with. Flowers

Tonight is not the time to be giving your H head space. Call one of your friends, ask them if they can still go with you. I had to go overseas for a funeral, I had to go on my own, my friend who lived there came with me, sat with me, held my hand while I was a sobbing mess. She was a star.

Later on that day we just looked at each other and burst out laughing - I hadn't been back there in a longtime and I went to a funeral with a woman, one that held my hand - they probably all thought I'd 'come out' Grin

I hope your friend goes with you tomorrow you shouldn't go alone.

[Don't let this drop though, post again when you are ready - your H is a bastard and needs gone.]

DownWithDaddyLongLegs · 22/09/2014 00:33

what a fucking bastard

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