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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it just me, or is this quite mean?...

83 replies

Blushingm · 21/09/2014 20:49

My mum died and it's her funeral tomorrow. We were estranged but she's still my mum.

Dh and I haven't been getting on so well recently - he got his parents involved who tried to interfere - discussed out sex life or lack of it. They say me down and grilled me about it so I'm no longer welcome over there etc

Anyway - dh has said he won't come to the funeral with me - cos he doesn't want to ask for time off at work and because we've not been getting on

I think he's being mean - regardless of things recently I would've thought he'd be able to put it aside just for one day but it seems not.

I'm just after opinions. I'm not sure if I'm being over sensitive or if he's just being mean

Thanks

OP posts:
TheWholeOfTheSpoon · 22/09/2014 00:37

I'm normally of the opinion that, if you find yourself falling out with a lot of people, you should probably look to yourself before you look at others. But telling your DIL she's no longer welcome because you're son is not getting any is bloody weird!

Yes, your DH should be stepping up to what you need right now. Just because you weren't in contact, doesn't change the fact your mum has died.

pigsDOfly · 22/09/2014 00:41

Agree you should ask your friends to go with you. Don't go alone.

It's a horrible way to treat you and says a great deal about your importance, or lack of it, in his eyes.

I had this with my exh when my Father died, I was newly pregnant at the time and had to drive 100 mile round trip on my own.

One of the many reasons he's my exh.

BrowersBlues · 22/09/2014 00:48

Blushing, your DH is not being very nice. No families are perfect and some less than others. Your husband should be your closest ally and he is letting you down. Irrespective of whether your mother was a good parent or not she was still a significant person in your life and her death should be acknowledged. If she was such a bad parent that you didn't want to go to the funeral I would understand his behaviour but you are going and he should 100% be there to support you. I would tell him that very clearly and insist that he goes.

MrsTerryPratchett · 22/09/2014 00:53

Blushingm he is a bastard. ExH and I agreed to divorce days before his DM died. I didn't particularly get on with her and obviously ExH's and my relationship was shit at the that point. I not only went to see her body with his DF, because no one else could, I also went to the funeral and did food for the wake. Because normal people, and believe me, I am nothing special, do that sort of thing. It's the decent thing to do. If my worst enemy came to me and asked me to go to their parent's funeral, I would, let alone someone who is your life partner.

PunkrockerGirl · 22/09/2014 09:11

Sorry about your mum, OP Flowers

Your husband is being an arse.

KeemaNaanAndCurryOn · 22/09/2014 09:16

Sorry about your Mum, OP. I can only echo what the others have said in that he should be supporting you and he's not.

I hope you find the inner strength to move on Flowers

furcoatbigknickers · 22/09/2014 09:19

Very mean. Sorry about your mum.

Wtf... Your pil are weirdos.

Zazzles007 · 22/09/2014 09:21

My condolences for your mother OP Thanks.

I think your H is being a phenomenal arsehole. Not only with refusing to go to your mother's funeral, but also in discussing your sex life with his parents (WTF?!?! Hmm).

Time to rethink the relationship, perhaps. For me, both those things would be completely stepping over the mark.

iwantgin · 22/09/2014 09:22

Sorry to hear about your mum OP.

Your DH is being totally unfair, if not downright cruel to you.

I suggest taking the friends along for support -and then later giving serious consideration to how your relationship with DH can recover, if at all.

HumblePieMonster · 22/09/2014 09:31

I'm sorry you've lost your mum.

when you're ready, 'lose' the dh. he's a nasty man.

MindReader · 22/09/2014 09:34

I am sorry to hear of the loss of your Mum.
I am estranged from mine too but when she goes it will still be a big thing to handle (while she is alive there is always the chance she will finally 'understand').

Your partner should OF COURSE go with you to the funeral to support you.
Regardless of any recent 'tiffs'.

It is very very very poor of him not to.
It would make me think twice whether I could continue on with a man like this. (and btw, your inlaws are weird to contemplate discussing your private life with your H).

I hope you have a supportive friend you can take?

missingwordsround · 22/09/2014 09:37

Agree with pp's - if I had a DH so unsupportive, he would soon be an ex-H.

There are very few people on the planet that you would refuse to support at such a time, as MrsTerryPratchett says - it's the normal, decent thing to do.

I am very sorry for your loss - just because you didn't have a good relationship with a parent, doesn't mean that you won't be affected. Flowers

Hope you are OK and get through today.

gemdrop84 · 22/09/2014 09:44

My mum died in April this year, we weren't as close as we were and I was struggling with aspects of our relationship when she passed. But she's still my mother. I didn't have to tell Dh to do anything, he was there, end of. I can't believe how nasty and unsupportive your Dh is being. I'm sorry for your loss.

LadyFairfaxSake · 22/09/2014 10:03

From a male perspective, what Sir Raymond said.
He is being spiteful at a time when differences should be set aside, especially by a married couple.
Sorry for your loss.

ChasedByBees · 22/09/2014 10:18

Hope it goes ok today OP. What your DH has done is pretty beyond the pale but deal with it later. Thanks

AnyFucker · 22/09/2014 17:55

how did it go today, OP ?

GarlicSeptimus · 22/09/2014 18:04

I've been thinking of you, too Flowers

LuluJakey1 · 22/09/2014 18:12

On what planet does he think his behaviour is OK?

Discussing sex life with his parents- nope
Them intervening in that- nope
Refusal to support you at your mum's funeral- nope

There is something warped in his view of what is acceptable and decent behaviour between a husband and wife.

Topseyt · 22/09/2014 19:13

It would never have occurred to me not to support my husband when each of his parents died (his dad in 2002 and his mum in May this year). He will do the same for me when the time comes (hopefully not for a good few years, although my parents are both heading into their 80s now).

As for discussing your private life with his parents, surely that crosses a line and breaks trust??

He is a twat, and his parents are no better.

concernedaboutheboy · 22/09/2014 19:54

I can't imagine why your sex life is lacking. Now, why would that be? Oh yes, because your H is a nasty piece of work. And that's putting it mildly.

tipsytrifle · 22/09/2014 20:24

I've also been thinking of you ... Flowers

paddlenorapaddle · 22/09/2014 20:45

So sorry about your mum

What an arsehole he's managed to make your grief about your mums death all about him and his lack of sex life when you're feeling at your worst

Self absorbed abusive c word I'd be off

Original poster
Blushingm · 24/09/2014 01:08

Thank you all for your thoughts

Yesterday went ok..........I told dh exactly what I thought and suddenly he will come with me!!!!

Well he did but he stood there like a lemon, hardly said a word to anyone and didn't even put an arm around me when I was sobbing..........I'm beginning to think there may not be a future - he made me feels so lonely

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 24/09/2014 01:55

Blushingm it is far lonelier to be lonely with someone than alone on your own terms. Having to remonstrate with someone just to have them do the bare minimum... it's soul-destroying. Flowers

Darkesteyes · 24/09/2014 01:59

Im so sorry OP Thanks

his behaviour is disgusting Sad