Husband doesn't love me any more. Please hold my hand through this painful journey

[Nobodylovesme]

I've name changed as I'm known on here and want to remain anonymous.

After a dreadful few months of moodiness on his part, DH has admitted he doesn't have feelings for me any more. He said we have nothing in common apart from the DC's. I'm devastated.

3 years ago he had an affair, which I've forgiven (and moved forward from) so I feel this is a real slap in the face.

What do I do? I still love him but I can't make him love me. What about our lovely girls, they are going to be devastated.

There's so much more to say, but have tears running down my face and can't seem to get it all out.

That sounds awful ... poor you. I think the best things you can do at his stage are (a) call your best and most supportive RL friend for a good long cry on her shoulder and (b) try, hard though it is, to remember that there are amicable ways to get through a break-up while maintaining a peaceful and stable environment for DC. You can this through this, I promise, and so can your girls. It will stink short term, yes, but you truly can come out on the other side, often much happier than you were in a relationship with a DH who was no longer a loving partner to you. I did, if that gives you any hope. Sending and .

It's horrible loving someone who doesn't love you anymore. I wish I could give you some wise words of strength, but I am in the same boat. It's a horrible business. I do think in the long run it's better to be with someone who loves you back

Is it possible he's having another affair?

I think he's got some fucking nerve, working through the previous betrayal only to say 'oh, well it turns out .. actually I don't want to be married to you after all'. I think at some point soon you'll feel the anger kicking in.

Ultimately your girls will be happier with parents who are happy than parents staying together for the sake of it. If he truly wants to end the marriage, sadly that's his choice and all you can do now is grieve and begin the long process of moving on.

Thanks everyone. I really don't think he's having another affair, but am open to the suggestion, if that makes sense. He completely denies it.

He's taken the DC's out and my friend is coming round for some comfort.

I'm devastated. He only said all this as I pushed and pushed him. I couldn't stand his moods any longer. It had got to the stage that I was dreading him coming home (he works away).

I forgave the affair and married him (we weren't married at the time, but had the DC's) as I felt it was the right thing to do for my me and my family.

He said he loves me, but not in that way, we are too different people. He looks at his friends relationships and feels sad that they have things in common and we don't.

Thing is, he doesn't seem desperate to leave and he had nowhere to go. What do I do? Tell him to go, or try and get him to work it out.

DC's are 11 and 9. They love their family life, holidays etc. I can't break their hearts like this. We never fight or argue, so it will be a big surprise to them.

Not having feeling might be due to health problems. Marriages don't last based on feelings, and feeling like being with someone. It is a decision to love someone, and a marriage needs work and effort, which is then rewarded with a variety of positive feeling.

You don't have to have anything in common for your marriage to work. Actually, you do have plenty in common. You both eat and can enjoy meals out, you both share a house which needs care to look after in different ways. You share time together and have a shared future together.

You don't have to be in love with someone to appreciate what someone else does, what they can do, the ways in which they are different to you etc. Does he even have this much regard for you? Do you wach get to pursue your own interests separately from one another, and are you able to listen to one another talk about their interests a bit?

Wach = each

Do you think he would be receptive to marriage therapy and/or solo therapy? That would help identify whether depression, for example, is causing his moodiness and lack of feelings. If that is at the root of it, then there could be hope of working things out. If not, counselling would be a good environment to work through how to best approach things for your girls. If it is indeed the end, yes, they will be shocked and upset. But it's actually fantastic that they've not been living through lots of fights and drama, and it will make the separation a lot easier for them to get through if you are both able to remain friendly. Hang in there and keep us posted.

What do I do? Tell him to go, or try and get him to work it out.

I would take him at his word, present him with a child maintenance figure, suggested access routine etc and ask him what he suggests for housing - does he envisage the house being put up for sale etc.

Just had a lovely chat with my good friend who knows us both very well. She can't understand what I'm telling her as she got the impression he loved my very much.

You see, we haven't slept together in months, so this is an added pressure. He hadn't been able to maintain an erection (sorry too much information!) so we have both ignored it and brushed it under the carpet. He loves me like a sister and the mother of his kids, but not a wife.

There are so many things, and it's all a jumble in my brain that I can't seem to think straight or reconcile anything together.

If he's already mentally checked out of this marriage then I don't see how counselling will help.

He is very understanding. We have loads of time on our own to pursue or own interests. He is always telling me to do my own thing and look after my needs. I can't fault him there.

Sorry, I'm rambling. It's all such a mess. Just don't know what way to turn.

Thanks everyone for your kind words. to those who have been or are in this position.

Yes, the house will need to be sold. I can release the equity and get a smaller place for me and the girls. We are ok financially. He will pay child maintenance.

I am very sorry. Fwiw I don't think you are a fool for trying again, you will always know you did your best.

Perhaps it would be best if you were both be present when you tell the girls. He'll still be their dad and you'll still be mum, hopefully parenting as a team.

You may even opt to tell them separately, the eldest first. Is there another adult they are close to they can unburden themselves to?

both present

Goodness. I have him an ultimatum and he's gone. I'm on my knees and trying to be strong for my girls.

How on earth do people get through this?

They think he's gone to work early and they're crying about that. How on earth will they cope with the reality?

This is too much.

One hour at a time darling.

Who can you call for support?

No one. I don't want anyone. Just want to stay in the house with DCs.

I can't believe he's doing this. I said if he went it was over, no chance as I won't go through it again.

He still went.

How do people live with themselves. I would have tried for our children's sake. He obviously doesn't think it's worth it.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.

I imagine there is much more here than you know about or he is willing to tell you. He will have likely been looking for an excuse to leave because there is somebody else. Possibly the same person from before or someone new.

I say this not to hurt you but because it is the most likely explanation for his actions.

Please try and feel angry rather than devastated. to give you the push you need to remain upright.

Don't be taken for a fool. You can do this. You'll be okay. You will eventually be glad you got rid of the fucker. I know it doesn't feel like that. But you will.

You need to focus totally on you. You will be okay. You need a friend or family member to talk to in real life. You need some support. You deserve it. you've been mistreated horribly.

Hugs and hand holding.

It's not too much. You are strong enough.

I'm really trying and desperately trying to believe there isn't anyone else. It can't be from before, she has moved away married and had a child. I know for definite he wouldn't go there again.

On our wedding day, he promised me he would never hurt me again. My mum warned me he would. I should have listened to her.

I don't know where he's gone. I know one thing for sure, I won't be chasing him or begging him to come back.

No matter how low I get.

You're right I am strong enough.

Hi Nobody I'm sorry this is happening to you. It truly is an awful thing to experience. Definitely don't do the begging - and slowly, slowly you will learn how to get control over your emotions and not feel so raw, I promise. Focus in each day, and trying to do things that make you feel better.

And if you can, try to persuade him to move out.

Good for you. You can do this. You're already well on the way with the dignity and pride you have.

I think your mum was right. Please protect your heart from this man. He has form.

You are strong enough and like I'm sure you have before from your previous experience ....will experience every single emotion day by day.

It does sound like he was waiting for an excuse ....whether he is being unfaithful again or not.

Concentrate on you and your dd's Op I am so sorry you are going through this awful time

Thank you everyone .

I've managed to bath DC and get them to bed. I couldn't wait for them to go so I could cry by myself.

massive hug

it gets better

Thing is. They're not stupid. It was very odd for daddy to go to work on a Sunday night with no mention of it beforehand. Eldest DD kept asking what was wrong and despite how hard I tried to hide it, they knew I was upset.

My heart is breaking for them. This wasn't in my plan for them. I wanted them to come from a happy family.

So sorry this has happened. Do not think for one moment that his behaviour is a reflection of you.