Husband doesn't love me any more. Please hold my hand through this painful journey

[Nobodylovesme]

I've name changed as I'm known on here and want to remain anonymous.

After a dreadful few months of moodiness on his part, DH has admitted he doesn't have feelings for me any more. He said we have nothing in common apart from the DC's. I'm devastated.

3 years ago he had an affair, which I've forgiven (and moved forward from) so I feel this is a real slap in the face.

What do I do? I still love him but I can't make him love me. What about our lovely girls, they are going to be devastated.

There's so much more to say, but have tears running down my face and can't seem to get it all out.

We will get there. Day at a time. .. I feel crushed.

That sounds serious, did he manage to get treatment?

So sorry for you too frog yes, we will get there.

Managed to get dressed and DCs ready for school, they seem happy enough.

A very torturous nights sleep with disturbing nightmares, but managed a few hours. Everything seems very real this morning. Devastated.

I am going to call work and say I have a migraine as I can't face telling anyone, but can't go in.

Oh dear been there and got that t shirt.

Listen sweetheart cry it out, shout it out, do whatever you have to do but above all do not trust this man with your love ever again.

I listened to my ex snake and he played me for a fool. I was heartbroken but I still kept that part of me that was me. That strong but that gets you though anything and everything.

I still went out. I leaned on my friends and kids. I didn't want my children to be from a broken home either. ...and they were 27, 25 and 23! I was devastated for them and myself.

I never asked him to come back at first. I did later. He did and it was awful. It was the ow he wanted. She got fed up waiting for him dithering around and being lied to so dumped him and met Nd married someone else within six months.

Then he cast his net for number two and left me again for her but by then I was only going along with his charade. I was glad to see the back of him.

I'm just pleased that I still lived my own life and didn't just give in and roll over.

Oh and at the beginning he told me he didn't love me either. That we were just like brother and sister

Huge clue there.

Protect your finances. Photocopy everything. Have your own accounts. Our divorce cost 20 grand.

Get your business head on. It's hard when you are breaking apart but find that inner core of steel girl.

Thanks dowser. Wise words.

He's just text me to say 'we can try and be happy again'. He said he's crying on and off all the time and his heart is breaking in a thousand pieces.

Poor him, eh?

What do I do? I feel bereft and want to be a family again. You're right I can't trust him with my love again. He doesn't deserve it. But what if we can be happy and I throw it away.

Define "happy".

Cos I think you need to.

Cos he doesn't love you enough. At all. He's crying cos he's realised he's never going to live with his daughters again. He's crying over the dream of a nuclear family. He's not crying over the loss of your decent and selfless heart.

How could anyone be "happy" with someone who has proven for years that the love is conditional at best?

And if you take him back, what then? Will you always be looking over your shoulder, haunted by his words and the suspicion they were true? Waiting for the next bout of moodiness? The next affair?

When are you ever going to have some bloody peace??

What do you really want to do. It does sound like there is another woman mixed up in this, that's why he is now confused and changing his mind. I think you need to find out about that before you can decide.

He's just text me to say 'we can try and be happy again'.

Blimey, I didn't think he'd be that quick.

Perhaps this isn't the end of your relationship, who knows? But I say, let him back now and your life will be miserable. If he wants you both "to try to be happy again", leave him where he is. Get some space, heal and get strong. Let him prove to you that he's sorry for the devastation he's caused and let him win you back.

It does sound like there is another woman mixed up in this, that's why he is now confused and changing his mind.

Yes, it has that familiarity about it for me too.

OP last night:
My heart is breaking in a thousand pieces.

H this morning:
He said he's crying on and off all the time and his heart is breaking in a thousand pieces.

Does he know you use MN, OP?

If there is another woman, there is no going back. Ever. I am 100% sure about that.

My heart is shattered and I'm very very worried about how my eldest DD will take this. She's very vulnerable at the minute and I think this will have a catastrophic effect on her.

You are right tho. I know why he's crying. He is realising what he's lost. He didn't get the reaction from me he was expecting. Now he's panicking.

I'm not going to do anything. I know deep down that it can't work. I can't be the person he wants me to be. I can only be me.

I just need time to let that sink in. I can't stop crying. I can't eat. I can barely function. Good God, his to people do this?

how do people do this? Sorry on my phone.

Donkeys he does, but I doubt he would check. It's a term we both use, so I'm not worried he's checking the thread.

Hey you. Believe what Dowser says! I too got the 'brother and sister' speech!

The dreams are part of the healing process, but they are a form of torture in themselves. It'll be a few months but it does all calm down.

You've now entered the parallel universe where his Woe-Is-Me dominates everything, despite the fact that your world as you knew it has just imploded, and you're left picking up the pieces and trying to keep it all together. It's amazing how they can make everything about them, and yet tell you to 'pull your socks up' if you so much as whimper about your feelings.

So I think you deserve to know: You're not going nuts. There is nothing wrong with you. You've been very badly treated. You did nothing to deserve that.

The option he is giving you is a one-way street. No U-turns. Do you really want to walk down that route, when there's plenty of other routes to take?

Cry your heart out (and make use of the manic stage to spring clean the house!). It does get better. Promise.

He didn't get the reaction from me he was expecting. Now he's panicking.

And trying plan B, whatever it takes to reel you back in and get you to "behave".

Oh god op how awful

What a shit he is esp as you gave him a second chance

I'm crap at advice but there's loads on here who are amazing at it, so keep posting. Sending love and strength to you and your dc. X

I think I feel so bad because I know deep down what I need to do.

I deserve more than this. I deserve to be loved for me.

My girls need their dad at home with them. Who is more important. Has anyone ever stayed together for the kids and it worked out?

So confused and can't think straight. Can't stop crying. My eyes hurt.

Meh, you allow him back in for the sake of the girls....do you really think he'll still stick around till they're 18? Or when they're finished college?

There will always be vunerable times when raising girls. Always

Perhaps its better to pull the plaster off when they're younger and have seen less. In 10 years time he could still leave, but the girls will have experienced a decade of moodiness.

Young girls can be a bit oblivious to undercurrents. Teenagers certainly are not. Think about it.

I deserve more than this. I deserve to be loved for me

Yep.

My girls need their dad at home with them

At the expense of having a wreck of a mother?

They need YOU to bring them up. The father failed. You're doing okay all things considered.

I know how much you're hurting but don't stop crying into you get to the stage that you just can't be bothered. You're in charge now and you look after you. It's going to be rough for a while - but I promise you, it does get better.

Having one happy parent at home is far better than 2 stressed miserable ones.

Do you know where he stayed last night?

I'm assuming I know where he stayed, but I'm not certain, as in I've no proof. I haven't asked him as we've not spoken.

I hear what you are all saying. I know you're right. What if I'm not strong enough?

I'm sorry to say I think there is an OW, but that she hasn't given him the open-armed response to the news of the end of his marriage that he was hoping for. Now trying to back track and crawl his way back to you.

Pathetic man.

He's just text me to say 'we can try and be happy again'. He said he's crying on and off all the time and his heart is breaking in a thousand pieces.

I would send a text saying something along the lines of: I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't love me fully and wholeheartedly, putting me first and feeling glad and delighted that he has me as his wife. I really do deserve more.

Nobody none of us felt strong enough. We're all still standing. We are all the proof you need.

Nobody, you sound totally clued up even though you must be in tremendous pain.

you are absolutely right that he is behaving like this in shock and dismay at the way you you have reacted. The reason he has floated the possibility of getting back together so quickly is because YOU have behaved in the way you knew you must, from self-preservation and dignity and as advised here.

he can't believe you would be alright letting him go. he was expecting a big fight and tears and begging from you. He was expecting a definite, safe option for him to return to you if he 'wobbled' or found single life (and I'm pretty sure it wasn't single life, unfortunately, love) not what he hoped for.

Often, if there is an OW, she will be panicking now that SHE is lumped with the man and that it is all about to come out, making her look bad and having to deal with the reality of a life with an ex-wife and stepkids and she may be having trouble dealing with his emotional state. This makes things unrosy and DH begins to consider coming home, or at least shoring up that that is an option for him in the future. He wants to return to a situation where two women want him, not none.

I personally think it;s going to be very hard for you to make decisions about this until you know the truth of the situation. But I know you may not be strong enough to cope with that right now. I just think it's going to be hard for you to make your own decisions if things are shadowy.

If there is an OW, the next stage would be that he makes sounds about trying again, and the words are positive, but something about his actions won't add up. He'll sort of try, but look sort of anguished as he does. He'll talk a lot about it being a test or a trial, in a positive way, and that he wants you to do it 'together' and be friends even if it doesn't work out. This is all him trying to make the narrative that he 'tried' and 'it's not his fault' and to pretend like you two are adults making a joint decision so his access to the kids is easier. Then in a couple of months, a 'girlfriend' appears.

The only thing giving you strength and power at the moment is yourself, and the fact that you are not behaving like the lovesick, desperate doormat he might like, so don't give up your power. You are doing incredibly well.

That text sounded horribly ambivalent to be honest. I'm so sorry you're going through this.