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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Husband doesn't love me any more. Please hold my hand through this painful journey

98 replies

Nobodylovesme · 21/09/2014 15:41

I've name changed as I'm known on here and want to remain anonymous.

After a dreadful few months of moodiness on his part, DH has admitted he doesn't have feelings for me any more. He said we have nothing in common apart from the DC's. I'm devastated.

3 years ago he had an affair, which I've forgiven (and moved forward from) so I feel this is a real slap in the face.

What do I do? I still love him but I can't make him love me. What about our lovely girls, they are going to be devastated.

There's so much more to say, but have tears running down my face and can't seem to get it all out.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 22/09/2014 12:37

Also. A text? Seriously. About the future of your marriage? he'd need to step up so so much harder.

Nobodylovesme · 22/09/2014 14:53

He has tried to call, but I haven't answered. I don't know what to say.

I'll talk to him when I'm ready.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 22/09/2014 14:55

Good for you. That is exactly right, NLM. He just wants reassurance right now.

Him.

Nobodylovesme · 22/09/2014 14:59

In between bouts of manic crying, I've managed to wash two sets bedding and hang them out and bake a loaf. I had a nap as well. That wasn't good tho as waking up to the horrible realisation that is my existence wasn't good.

Time to put on a brave face and go and get the children from school.

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 22/09/2014 15:20

How do we do it?
No idea to be honest.
We all just stumbled from hour to hour, then day to day, then week to week, then month to month. Then you just see the light at the end of tunnel.
You suddenly realise you have been coping for months. The kids are fine. You aren't crying all the time anymore.
It is a truly shit time. No-one can sugar coat this for you. It's horrible. You will feel like you are in physical pain. Like your heart is literally breaking. You won't be able to stop crying at times.
But you pull yourself together when you have to.
You tell family and friends and get them to rally round you.
That was my biggest mistake by far. Keeping his dirty little secret to myself. It was a huge relief to tell people.
Do everything in your own time. Don't be pressured by him or anyone else.
Sounds to me like OW as well. Maybe she is married too and not prepared to give up her family life as quickly as your 'D'H was!!

Try to look after yourself. As I always write on these threads, don't try to eat solids right now. I lived on ice lollies, sugary tea and soup (an wine of course). It just seems to be easier to keep liquids down. These things also help keep your sugar levels up (not the wine!).

Please confide in a friend to help you through this first hurdle.
Then when you are ready come back on here for practical advice.
Thanks for you.

Frogisatwat · 22/09/2014 15:25

Im living on milkshake. That is all I can really stomach.

Dowser · 22/09/2014 17:17

Homeopathic ignatia is very good for grief. Holland and Barrett usually have it in . 30 c potency.

Bachs rescue remedy is also good as you are going through deep grief right now but don't worry you will be fine. Anger and grief are at opposite ends of the same scale as the anger kicks in you will get the strength.

I had so much support. My children, a friend whose fiancé was messing round with his ow's friend, a telephone friend, my mum. Everyone rallied it was incredible.

My snake told me he was having an affair and then told me he wasn't. It went on for months and months.

He carried his phone everywhere and I never got to see it
BUT

They always slip up and he left his computer open and it was all there. Her replies everything . She was berating him for not leaving, for not spending Christmas with her. She was not a happy bunny at all.

So they think they are wily and scheming but they always make mistakes.

Once it was out in the open I think I was the last person in the town to know.

Put your energy into protecting your finances.

My piece of doo doo ran up a £30,000 credit card debt which he thought I was going to be stuck with.

Luckily the judge saw different and as he'd ran it up after the marriage ended she said to him then that is yours.

I was too shocked to think it might have been mine to take much in of that day. Also as his next girlfriend had a house and therefore he had somewhere to live, the house was mine.

They can't come across as biased but the judge came shining through for me.

Curb your instinct to wreak revenge. Save it for the courts and getting your finances in order.

Best advice I can ever give anyone going through It. Trouble is its when you are most weak and vulnerable.

As I see it, he had his chance with you and he's blown it.

Don't be at all surprised if another woman comes crawling out of the woodwork.

Don't be fooled by his crocodile tears. He's crying for himself and the mess he's made of things.

Mine cried like a baby!

TrisisFour · 23/09/2014 09:48

I was reading this thread yesterday OP but I see you haven't updated since you went to pick your children up from school.

I hope you're Ok. Thanks

Nobodylovesme · 23/09/2014 13:33

Hi TrisisFour I am OK, thank you for asking. It's still very difficult and still not spoke to DH. I decided to step away from the thread, as the thought of another woman was making me very distressed. I remember the pain from the last time.

I know everyone meant well and it is a possibilty - I guess I just wasn't ready to face the possibility.

DH has been in contact, but as usual it's all about him. Me, me and me. I'm depressed, I'm scared, I'm worried, I'm upset etc. He hasn't asked about me (he has asked about the DC's).

It's very telling, and to date I'm ignoring him.

I've managed to come to work, which is good, and the DC's are both fine. I haven't told them anything yet as I want to get things straight for me first.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 23/09/2014 13:37

The 'me me me' attempts at contact are just unbelievable in these situations aren't they....so common though....

Thinking of you Op
Be strong Thanks

Nobodylovesme · 23/09/2014 13:39

I know. I'm so amazed. In fact, it makes me speechless. He's trying to get me worried about him.

All he needs to do is ask about me, and I might reply.

So far unsuccessfully.

OP posts:
DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 23/09/2014 15:17

If you respond to his "me, me, me" stuff that'll just reassure him he's in the right and you weren't that affected by how he's treated you. You were so right when you spotted he wasn't expecting you to give him an ultimatum.

2Bemused · 23/09/2014 20:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

EarthMither · 23/09/2014 21:55

Wtf is your problem 2Bemused? Hmm Reported.

OP hope you got through today OK. Wishing you well.

Nobodylovesme · 23/09/2014 22:47

What did 2bemused write? Curious now as I didn't see it?!

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 23/09/2014 22:56

It was general abuse from a troll, not a real poster.

I hope you're doing okay tonight, NLM. You're being so so strong and coping brilliantly. I can't believe you baked!

Sorry for the emphasis on infidelity. You get to go through this as you experience it.

Is he still being a selfish arse? Crazy how he wants to be comforted for hurting YOU.

Nobodylovesme · 23/09/2014 23:04

He called tonight to see the girls, as bless his little heart he misses them so much.

To be honest, it made me more angry. He worked them up into a frenzy playing about, being the fun Dad, whilst I was left with the fall out.

I didn't speak to him, other than to say I was fine when he enquired as to my well being.

Quite surprised how angry he made me. I think that is giving me the strength.

OP posts:
BloodontheTracks · 23/09/2014 23:07

That's great. Anger does that. That's what it's for. And it's really well earned right now! Hold on to it.

That's selfish of him. Sorry you're having to deal with this.

mineofuselessinformation · 23/09/2014 23:15

Hmmm, yes - and it will be killing off any love you had left for him at the same time. Sorry. Hmm

ALittleFaith · 23/09/2014 23:31

Sorry I didn't reply before NLM, I have been working long days. DH simply takes a tablet once a week to treat his problem. We had some issues when they kicked in because he went the other way and was quite aggressive at times (very scary). Not physical just a bit 'in my face'. Counselling helped and that's all settled down now.

He sounds incredibly self-absorbed! It's all about him, how he feels, how it's affecting him. I think you should be angry, he's a selfish arse!

Nobodylovesme · 24/09/2014 11:35

Thanks ALittleFaith, sounds like it's been rough for you and your DH. I'm glad things have settled down.

Not feeling too good today, I range between anger and great sadness. I think DH thinks he can worm his way back in, but I can't get past everything he said at the weekend. I just can't.

So the tables have turned I suppose. I don't want him. Then I feel so so sad for DDs.

I wish I could undo what happened and things could be unsaid.

OP posts:
Dowser · 24/09/2014 15:45

I hate to see adults winding up kids like that.

Don't get me started on tickling!

Hate that. Soooo oppressive.

Thoughts are with you and hey somebody loves you. Your kids for starters

WellWhoKnew · 24/09/2014 16:21

You're doing fine Nobody (although I don't like your username, because your kids love you and you seem like a very nice person).

The first step in the healing process (and it is a long one) for me was saying to myself: 'he's made the last decision over my life'. And it just happened to be the shittiest one of them all. It might work for you?

From now on you decide, on your terms and he needs to accept it. Once I started to feel that I wasn't just being subjected to this, but actually actively managing little bits and bobs (e.g. making decisions with my solicitor, doing things because I wanted to, felt the need to for me, etc) I started to feel a little less devastated and scared all the time.

I had no choice but to go to a solicitor pretty damned quick, but it felt like the most wrong and awful step to take. Yes I cried my heart out (again!) but I did feel a little less panicky about the future...So if you can face it, it may help you manage some of your worries about the future (many of which may be unfounded) and which I suspect are also running riot in your mind.

I know the D-word is the dirtiest word right now but going to a solicitor is not the same as getting divorced. You don't have to commit to anything at the moment. I'm trying to think of things that will keep you calm and make you feel a bit assured about the future not being all bad.

The present will remain shit for some time - but you come here, and we'll be nice.

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