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Relationships

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Original poster

Weird, or thoughtful?

121 replies

tallulah2014 · 21/09/2014 10:15

I say date, it was at my house. Impulsively, I went to see this guy yesterday who had added me on facebook not so long back. He works in my local town centre so popped by his workplace (on his invitation) whilst I was in town. First time we had met although he says he has fancied me "for ages" - 18 months - since he first saw me from afar walking past his workplace. Anyway, we talked for an hour and he text me five minutes after I had left, saying he had really enjoyed our chat.

He then asked if I wanted to carry on talking later that evening, after he had finished work. I agreed as I had nothing better to do, so he came round and we talked for 3 hours solid, then cuddled and kissed, then we both got a bit over excited so he said he should leave and I agreed (I've already said I won't do anything sexual if I'm not in a relationship or heading towards one).

When he arrived, he had brought me a bar of chocolate. Because on my facebook a few days before I added him, I had made a joke about needing chocolate but not having any in the house.

I can't work out if this is weird, or thoughtful. What do you think?

OP posts:

JohnFarleysRuskin · 25/09/2014 17:41

I don't mean to be harsh.

I think its best I say nothing...

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 25/09/2014 17:47

I think you are completely overanalysing this!

He seems to like you, he is telling you he would like to try a relationship with you. If I were him, you would be scaring me off with all the 'what do you really mean' messages. Spend a bit of time with him, if you want sex then do, but no sleepovers while the kids are home. See if you still get on in a week, a month, just go with the flow a bit.

For what it's worth- the other guys were starnge for telling you they loved you so soon. Great big red flags. Nothing he has said has struck me as strange.

bleedingheart · 25/09/2014 17:50

You are acting like you are in a panic, tallulah, you can't know if he will treat you badly if he hasn't so far or showed signs he will.
It's like you are trying to skip ahead and know how this will end before it's begun and if he can't give you full on commitment right now that he won't leave after sex, ever, you want him to tell you ASAP. But as people keep telling you, a bastard will use this against you. Most people are telling you to stop talking about sex and go with the flow, you have read that as harangue him until he says what you want to hear or dump him. I think you need to calm down and perhaps be on your own for a bit.
What can he reply? I don't want to be unkind but sending someone 'I'm giving you an exit' message when you've only just met is a bit overwhelming. Too much. It is making it clear to him that your self-esteem is very low and an unscrupulous person will abuse that.

Viviennemary · 25/09/2014 17:53

That sounds a nice thought. It isn't in any way weird.

MyEmpireOfDirt · 25/09/2014 17:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EverythingIsAwesome · 25/09/2014 17:58

You are making this hard work, why are you pushing him constantly? It's like you are begging him to admit that he wants a ONS so you cant say "I told you so!". I would be running a mile from you :(

Original poster

tallulah2014 · 25/09/2014 18:14

True I'll calm down.

For what it's worth, he did reply to my "you have an easy exit...Take it". He said "why would I want an easy exit? :( x"

OP posts:

pogoyogo · 25/09/2014 18:37

I don't see what is wrong with sex (apart from having it while the kids could walk in!) It can be a fun mutually fulfilling past time, and good for the complexion too. Chill out.

BreakOutTheKaraoke · 25/09/2014 19:05

Well I don't blame him for the sad face- you're basically telling him you find him untrustworthy, when he's done nothing to show it. Wouldn't you be upset if someone you'd spent a pleasant couple of dates with thought that of you?

glidingpig · 25/09/2014 19:20

OP, just go on a couple of dates with him! Stop having these intense conversations, stop worrying about it, stop trying to decide what this will be before it has a chance to be anything. Just calm down.

This isn't really how getting together with someone works. You don't decide what's going to happen before you've started. You see each other for a bit and then work out if you're both on the same page. If so, yay, have a relationship. If not, bye, hopefully no hard feelings.

Which yes, does mean that sometimes you will get emotionally invested in someone who doesn't feel the same. But you can't know that in advance, and they probably don't know either. That's what the first few dates are for, to figure out how much you like one another. And that is the risk you take when you date people. You can accept it, and try to keep a lid on those intense emotions until you're a few dates in, or you can avoid dating altogether.

But what you cannot do is cover all bases in advance by having endless conversations with a bloke you barely even know yet.

LadyofSpain · 25/09/2014 19:39

If this guy is all that you say he is, he won't have a problem getting sex, if that's all he's looking for. So why would he be putting up with what is turning into the Spanish Inquisition from you? Sometimes, things - and people - are just exactly what they seem to be. You are looking for guarantees, and sadly life isn't like that. Just relax and let things develop.

Original poster

tallulah2014 · 25/09/2014 19:46

Yes, it is that. Avoiding getting hurt or let down I suppose.

Silly really.

He said the same...can't remember what I said exactly but it was something fairly negative and along the lines of "you just want sex/I don't trust you" and he said by rights, he should have been out the door by now... and he wasn't, because he likes me.

God, I wish I was normal :(

OP posts:

eddielizzard · 25/09/2014 19:51

ok no more he sounds like a nice bloke! back off the heavy relationship shit and just enjoy spending time with him. it's like you're trying to scare him off by giving him 'exits'. wtf - you haven't even seen each other for more than a week!

just enjoy the time. don't think too much into it. just enjoy. let it happen naturally, at it's own pace.

CarryOnDancing · 25/09/2014 20:19

I think it's very rude of you to say to him that all men just want sex and that you don't trust him. Everyone wants sex at some point and in some capacity so that's not a fair stereotype and is horribly sexist.
You shouldn't start a relationship by telling someone they aren't trustworthy. You have trust issues. You can't project those on to him.

It is absolutely 100% impossible for him to make promises to you about wanting a relationship and not hurting you because he doesn't know you. That's why you date-to work out if you like each other enough to embark on a relationship. You've not even dated yet so he can't make the promises you want. You just might not be compatible.

I think you need to forget any dating with anyone for a while and work on your self esteem. Every single thing you have said to him has been so he says something nice to you in return. You are craving this so much that you are willing to put your children second and have a stranger in your house (terrible and the most important issue here by far!!)

You need to start by actually reading the replies you've had here as you haven't taken on board any of them and then you need to work on boosting your confidence so that you stop getting involved with the wrong men.

It's not that all men are bad, it's just that you are vulnerable and are letting the wrong ones in.

Waltermittythesequel · 25/09/2014 20:49

Having read all of your replies, OP, I think you need to stay single until you figure out why having dramatic conversations and non-dates with randomers is more important that the safety of your dc.

It suggests very low self-esteem and that's just for starters.

glidingpig · 25/09/2014 21:47

The thing is, OP, what you're doing is not protecting you. If anything, it makes you more vulnerable to approach things with this intensity when the guy's virtually a stranger.

Because a nice bloke will be feeling a bit scared about this, not wanting you to think he's just after sex but also not able to promise you a level of involvement that he doesn't yet know if he wants. Remember, that's what those first few dates are for both of you to discover.

But a nasty bloke, receiving all your fears about him just wanting sex, is also receiving the key to your heart. Relationship, yes, commitment, yes yes yes, I'm falling for you, I will never ever hurt you. And bam, he's into your life where he can cause whatever damage he likes.

You mustn't put yourself in the position of emotionally needing a person you don't really know. I don't mean pretend you don't want a relationship! You're allowed to know what you want from life and be upfront about it. But it doesn't follow that you want a relationship with this particular guy. You're still sussing him out. And the way to do that is to spend some low-pressure time together, on neutral ground. Watch his behaviour and see what your instincts tell you.

Anyone who promises the earth and stars when you've only been seeing them a week? That's the one you want to run from. This bloke sounds OK so far, to me, going purely on what you've said. But take it slow. And if you can't do that, you should probably spend some time being single and working on your self-esteem.

LoonytoadQuack · 25/09/2014 23:59

Oh good god you sound such hard work!

QueenofallIsee · 26/09/2014 11:21

I have never known anyone demand confirmation of a relationship being on the cards after a few hours in someones company! In my experience, you date a few times, see how it goes and then whatever happens, happens! Have never seen sex as the negotiating chip that you guys are making it or required anyone to promise me stuff after a few hours in my presence.

He wants to see you 2-3 times a week, say no and go out as often as you can afford. Stop with the drama filled 'but you only want me for one thing' messages as you are making both of you focus only on sex, either the having it or the not having it, that's all you seem interested in!

kinkyfuckery · 26/09/2014 11:52

You sound impossible!

Either fuck him or don't. Just don't talk about it so much!!

kinkyfuckery · 26/09/2014 11:55

Oh an stop inviting strangers in to talk about sex whilst your kids are in bed. That's skanky.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 26/09/2014 13:26

I agree kinky, but harshly worded.

I agree with the poster saying you are not ready for a relationship, if this scenario is anything to go by.

You sound like you have had a very messy relationship history and I feel sorry for you. It is clearly affecting how you interact with men.

Have you never had a proper relationship? I get the impression you haven't. Maybe you don't know how normal loving relationships begin. There is no set formula. With my Dh and I, it was immediate attraction, emails, a few dates, then spontaneous not previously discussed sex, then lots of sex, then loads of sex, then re entering human society and going on lots of dates. Then 18 months later, after a few holidays, lots of dinner dates, cinema, meeting friends, we moved in together. You seem to have by passed all the fun stuff and gone straight for discussions about sex, and not in a positive way.

Rein yourself in and leave this. You're not ready.

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