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Original poster

Weird, or thoughtful?

121 replies

tallulah2014 · 21/09/2014 10:15

I say date, it was at my house. Impulsively, I went to see this guy yesterday who had added me on facebook not so long back. He works in my local town centre so popped by his workplace (on his invitation) whilst I was in town. First time we had met although he says he has fancied me "for ages" - 18 months - since he first saw me from afar walking past his workplace. Anyway, we talked for an hour and he text me five minutes after I had left, saying he had really enjoyed our chat.

He then asked if I wanted to carry on talking later that evening, after he had finished work. I agreed as I had nothing better to do, so he came round and we talked for 3 hours solid, then cuddled and kissed, then we both got a bit over excited so he said he should leave and I agreed (I've already said I won't do anything sexual if I'm not in a relationship or heading towards one).

When he arrived, he had brought me a bar of chocolate. Because on my facebook a few days before I added him, I had made a joke about needing chocolate but not having any in the house.

I can't work out if this is weird, or thoughtful. What do you think?

OP posts:
LoonytoadQuack · 25/09/2014 15:17

See this is why I always get the sex over with. That way you don't end up thinking "Great - wasted 3 months on the twat". Shag them before you get too fond of them. Also of they turn out to be rubbish in bed and you've got fond, you're sort of stuck with them because you feel mean dumping them.

LoonytoadQuack · 25/09/2014 15:18

That could also belong on the "Unfashionable Opinions" thread lol.

LoisPuddingLane · 25/09/2014 15:20

Oh I usually do too. But then I've never been any good at deferring pleasure...

LadyofSpain · 25/09/2014 15:32

He said he fancies you, so why wouldn't he want sex? If he didn't you'd probably be wondering what was wrong with you! Stop overthinking, and take a chance. If not, you could be losing out on something really special.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 25/09/2014 15:49

Why haven't you gone out with him?

It's bizarre (and stupid) to keep inviting a completely random fella around while your kids are in their beds and then to obsess over whether to sleep with him or not.

JohnFarleysRuskin · 25/09/2014 15:50

you could be losing out on something really special.

Really? A guy who comes over when he feels like it?
Very special.

bleedingheart · 25/09/2014 16:06

So basically every time you meet up you say 'tell me do you want sex? If you do, it might be okay but I need to know if it's FWB/ONS/relationship'
What can he say that is the right answer?

Telling someone you've been treated badly and want to know in advance if they intend to treat you badly too is perhaps one of the least effective ways of preventing being done over.

Keep your boundaries. Don't see him at home. Try (I know it isn't easy) and get a babysitter if you can and go on a date. Why do you have to have the status all sewn up before you've even had dinner together?

I think you should stop mentioning previous relationships and exposing vulnerabilities so early on in a relationship. If a guy is a bastard, he's hardly going to admit it and excuse himself with apologies, particularly before a shag is he? Your boundaries are important, keep some armour on until you know what you want. You tell him you won't be treated badly again and then you let him keep coming to your house when you barely know him?

Are you sure he's getting divorced?

Frogisatwat · 25/09/2014 16:25

He is telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Also if he is that keen on you why would he tell you other women fancy him. That's just disrespectful. Can you imagine doing that to him. ' Oh this bloke really fancies me... if I was just after sex I'd have shagged him. ' very childish when you should just be discussing your favourite food and musical tastes...
By not dating in the initial stages you set the tone of your relationship. Booty call.
This might be acceptable to you.

He sounds like a knob. Put a higher price on yourself.

Original poster
tallulah2014 · 25/09/2014 16:37

Ok, thanks everyone :(

OP posts:
Original poster
tallulah2014 · 25/09/2014 16:40

Oh and just to answer whoever said it...no he admitted he wants sex, he said he would love to but he doesn't want 'just sex'

I like him, I'm skint at the moment so would be able to afford a babysitter for least the next two months so it's easier and cheaper to see him here, that's all.

OP posts:
Frogisatwat · 25/09/2014 16:43

It wouldn't hurt him to take you out..

pompodd · 25/09/2014 16:48

tallulah - I think it was me that said he just wanted sex. But thanks for explaining, I get it now.

I reckon you should probably take a bit of a step back. I guess you can see that after having met him just a couple of times and not previously knowing him from Adam, it's a bit weird that he's sitting on your sofa, kissing your forehead and you both talking about whether you're going to have sex or not?

Original poster
tallulah2014 · 25/09/2014 16:49

Another update:

I'm even more confused now :(

Sent him a message on facebook just now, as he wanted to see me later (7pm ish). I said that I have decided that I do want a relationship with someone, I like him but he has not long come out of a marriage so obviously won't want to commit to anything serious anytime soon, if at all.
Erm...also said something about how the majority of men probably want just sex and that if I had said I wanted a one night stand and nothing more he would've taken it, but there's not way to test that theory.
I then said he doesn't have to see me again and there will be no hard feelings. If he wants to see me it's up to him, but there will 100% be no sex until or unless a relationship us established or well on the way towards.

He replied "well I would prefer a relationship actually. I'm not after just sex. My marriage was dead long ago x" (he has said all along that they only stayed together as their son was ill)

More bull, or should I try and trust him and see how it goes?

OP posts:
Original poster
tallulah2014 · 25/09/2014 16:51

Pompodd - completely. I've said the same and he agreed, but said "but it is what it is...I like you".

OP posts:
bleedingheart · 25/09/2014 16:57

also said something about how the majority of men probably want just sex and that if I had said I wanted a one night stand and nothing more he would've taken it, but there's not way to test that theory.

What response did you expect to that? What can he say? If he does want a relationship and says so he looks like a bullshitter still trying to get sex, if he doesn't, he's unlikely to admit it is he, because you've told him that a ONS is not what you want?

Why do you keep asking him about the sex? Genuinely, I find it quite suffocating just to read these conversations.

You are making it all about sex without even having been on a date. Can't you just spend time together and only have sex if you want to and can handle the fact it might not go anywhere?

If you really think he's just trying to get sex and you don't want that, then stop seeing him. You know him, we don't. You are an equal part of the equation not a passive observer. You have a choice.
The early days (all days!) should be exciting and sexy, not full of angst.

pompodd · 25/09/2014 17:05

But he can't really win with that sort of question (do you want a one-night stand only) can he? That's what I mean about him being confused and trying to play his cards carefully because you're giving all sorts of mixed signals to him.

Not sure why sex is such a big deal - if you fancy him and he fancies you and you're happy that you're not going to feel used or upset if you have sex and it doesn't lead to anything else, then why don't you just have sex with him? You're allowed to, you know!

wfielder · 25/09/2014 17:10

Crikey, OP, you do make life harder than you need to.

What would be the correct thing for him to say?

Original poster
tallulah2014 · 25/09/2014 17:11

Well pomodd he did say he was confused and I was giving him mixed signals.

But if he wanted just sex and I have said I don't, then I wouldn't have expected a reply. Or an "ok well take care" kind of message. Had that before from another guy who WAS honest about just wanted sex and nothing more.

OP posts:
pompodd · 25/09/2014 17:22

Ok, so there's two scenarios:

  1. He is being honest and he does want a relationship with you and is prepared to wait for sex. I guess that's possible and you know this bloke better than us. I'm a bit sceptical though given how much you seem to have talked about sex in the couple of times you've met!
  1. He's being dishonest and (please forgive me here, I'm speculating from what you've said) he reckons you're vulnerable/easily persuaded and he will quite quickly be able to get to the sex he really wants. Or he'll get the sex he wants from elsewhere in the meantime.

Given you like him you don't have anything to lose by trying him out and making a judgment, do you? But I'd suggest you don't do it on your sofa!

eddielizzard · 25/09/2014 17:23

to be absolutely honest you're overthinking all of this. i can see your past shit experiences are clouding things, but can't you just take it as it comes? have sex when you're ready to. if you're not, don't let yourself feel pressured.

i am rather uncomfortable about you having him round with your kids in the house all the time. can you meet him at lunch or coffee? reason being that you're focussed on talking or sex if he's at your house all the time. no opportunity to focus on something else and just enjoy each other's company eg. movies, art, whatever floats your boat. is there absolutely no time your kids stay with family or your ex?

JohnFarleysRuskin · 25/09/2014 17:27

I can't understand your obsession with the sex thing either. People have sex when they are in relationships and when they are not. Have sex when you want to, if you're not ready, that's fine.

If someone kept going on about it to me, I would think they were crazy, sorry.

Original poster
tallulah2014 · 25/09/2014 17:29

My mum has them overnight in a couple of weeks so we can go for a meal or drink then maybe, but we both work full time and the children's dad has buggered off to Scotland.

Well, after his last message I said "I've given you an exit, take it. There won't be any hard feelings I promise".

He has been online in facebook since I sent it but it's not showing as read...but either way no reply. So maybe you are all right. I will give him a day to reply then delete and move on :)

OP posts:
pompodd · 25/09/2014 17:32

That might be a bit harsh, JohnFarley. He might just think that she is nervous and anxious given the bad experiences she's already told him about.

I think the issue you have now, though, is that because you've shown him that vulnerability so quickly, if he isn't being honest with you and just wants sex, he knows exactly what to say to get it - i.e. to reassure you, tell you he really wants a relationship and not just sex etc.

So if you like him take a step back, slow it down, meet on neutral territory and see how it goes. If he really does just want sex he won't hang around indefinitely if he's not getting it.

wfielder · 25/09/2014 17:35

I don't think you are reading the replies correctly OP.

You are not being told to write him off by everyone.

Enjoyingmycoffee1981 · 25/09/2014 17:40

You are either very young and inexperienced.

Or this is just a bit ridiculous and, quite honestly, sordid.