Weird, or thoughtful?

[tallulah2014]

I say date, it was at my house. Impulsively, I went to see this guy yesterday who had added me on facebook not so long back. He works in my local town centre so popped by his workplace (on his invitation) whilst I was in town. First time we had met although he says he has fancied me "for ages" - 18 months - since he first saw me from afar walking past his workplace. Anyway, we talked for an hour and he text me five minutes after I had left, saying he had really enjoyed our chat.

He then asked if I wanted to carry on talking later that evening, after he had finished work. I agreed as I had nothing better to do, so he came round and we talked for 3 hours solid, then cuddled and kissed, then we both got a bit over excited so he said he should leave and I agreed (I've already said I won't do anything sexual if I'm not in a relationship or heading towards one).

When he arrived, he had brought me a bar of chocolate. Because on my facebook a few days before I added him, I had made a joke about needing chocolate but not having any in the house.

I can't work out if this is weird, or thoughtful. What do you think?

He sounds respectful, there seems to be a mutual attraction. If you're not sure if he might be weird, then just meet for a drink after work in public or something. Just see what happens, how you feel when you meet up and go from there.

Hi again, in answer to whoever asked about knowing my full name..he didn't. On facebook at the top of the news feed, there's a 'people you may know' list. I had recently added a work colleague who was already friends with this guy, so a couple of days later I showed up on that list and he thought he recognised me as the person he 'fancied' a couple of years back.

The chocolate was galaxy, for those asking.

He came round again last night, sat close to me straight away and looked like he wanted to kiss me, i felt uncomfortable and said so, so he moved away. I was cold at one point so he cuddled me, just with his arm round me and didn't try anything, we were sat like that for ages.

We did kiss and again, things got heated (it's very difficult not to sleep with him, he's gorgeous) but we didn't take it any further. To give him his dues, he said he had better stop because he was getting too turned on, and he said he had better go home. He didn't leave straight away, ten mins later he had calmed down so he stayed a while longer just talking.

I just can't work out if he's just after sex/friends with benefits. We did have a bit of a weird conversation where I said that I can do the whole FWB thing, he just needs to be honest about what he wants. He then asked if I could see myself in a relationship with him and then answered my question by saying "ultimately, I want a relationship, or at least to try for one with you".

I said that I thought he had only said that because he thought it was what I wanted to hear...and that if I had said I just wanted FWB he'd have gone for it, and he said that no...he thinks if I had offered just that and nothing more he would be walked away.

But, all men say that, don't they?

He seems genuine, he never pushes for sex and keeps telling me he isn't just after a shag. He also said he feels more comfortable with me than he usually would with someone he's only known a few days, that it feels like he's known me longer.

Oh and he isn't averse to going out, it's just that at the moment due to my situation, it's easier that he comes here. Long story which I'm not going to go into, but trust me.

I've been screwed over royally in the past, trusting men that say they want a relationship but are just using me, and just don't want it to happen again.

I think it is possibly relevant that you're not meeting outside the house.
Why not - childcare, tricky ex?

hmmm.. I was weirded out in the first part of your OP - in that you invited a virtual stranger into your home.

I think you will do what you want - but if it were me the only meet ups for a while would be out in public. A cafe, or bar or bowling alley.

Why isn't he asking you out? Hm?

There is a reason for that, I'm sure.

I also go along with the protesteth too much. I went out with a guy who said he was looking for his next wife - on our first date. Only in the meantime, it turned out he wanted meaningless shaggery.

Empire - no when I say relationship, I mean the thing that usually comes after the dating period.

Well yes, it's childcare. Just too expensive to get a babysitter 2-3 times a.week, which is how often he seems to.want to see me. Every couple of days, which is okay with me.

Oh and the "he keeps telling me he's not just after sex" - that's in response to me saying that's all he wants.

So his kids live with him full time? And his dad? Why can't his dad have them one evening?

I smell excuses I'm afraid. His, not yours.

Wait - are the children yours or his?

Oh if that's the case, sorry for my leaping in. Yes, agreed, it would be expensive.

Of course, if he's coming to yours 2-3 times a week and you have kids, there is the added issue of whether your kids should meet him yet. Having been a single parent I know how hard this is.

Why does it have to be 2-3 times a week?

So what if that's what he wants, it's not practical right now.

Seriously, the in depth relationship talks when you've not even had a drink together is just way, way too much.

Take it down about a million notches!

I agree. Take it down. Go out, switch off the drama. If he (and you) want 2-3 times a week, he might need to help out with the cost of babysitting. Perhaps he doesn't realise how costly it is.

Bloody hell. It's just so obvious he wants sex (I'm a man btw). Ask yourself this question - if you said to him - I just want a one-night stand and for you to go home afterwards and for us not to see each other again. What would he say? You think he'd say, "No, I really want a relationship"?

"He came round again last night, sat close to me straight away and looked like he wanted to kiss me, i felt uncomfortable and said so, so he moved away. I was cold at one point so he cuddled me, just with his arm round me and didn't try anything, we were sat like that for ages."

Riiiight.

Another one I went out with just wanted to be "loving friends". Yeah you've guessed it - more casual shaggery.

You sound like hard work OP.
Do you want to go out with him?
If so then do.
You don't need to analyse every. single. thing.

Pompodd - so what are you basing that on? It would help if you told me how it was "bloody obvious".

Yes it's me that has children, he has his twice a week until early evening, mine are with me all the time obviously. Yes they are in the house when he is here, yes it was irresponsible of me to have him here in that scenario but I told the neighbours (good friends with me) the general situation and they kep a spare key just in case.

I don't know, he seems genuine...to whoever said it, I did say I was fine with just sex and he said he would probably walk away if I offered just that. No way to test that theory though is there?

Just to put the sex/relationship talk into a bit of context, I've had a bad year. With two men in a row wanting to be 'friends' with me, quickly rushing it into announcing they love with within two weeks (I know...), I took them at face value and went with it and then they dumped me after a few weeks.

This guy knows that, I explained it and told him I wasn't going to get into that again.

Last night when he came round, he tried to kiss me and I was uncomfortable, barely looked him in the eye etc and felt bad so I said the reason was I don't want to be used again. We are in a relationship not just dating (with the dates in the house thing, him sitting there cuddling me and kissing my forehead), and its weird. He agreed, said he felt more comfortable than he should, really and that it felt like he's known me longer than he has.

I said something about how he needs to be honest, and if he wants a one night stand or just a Fwb thing then that's fine with me, but can't expect there to ever be a relationship after as there won't be in that scenario (my own personal stance on it). If he wants a dating thing that might be headed towards a relationship, then that might also be fine but he needs to say what he wants. At first he said "either or is good for me, I've liked you for two years and fwb is better than nothing, at least that way I get some contact with you" and then asked if I could see myself in a relationship with him.

I declined to answer and said that he needed to be hones, he replied "well what do expect to happen if we do have sex, or had tonight? Me to pull my trousers up, go and never talk to you again?! I'm not going to do that. I want there to be some sort of relationship. Ultimately, I want a relationship with you. But you don't seem to want one, you say we don't click and I'm not going to make a fool of myself pursuing someone who isn't interested in the same thing as me".

I don't know.

How on earth do I tell whats truth and what might be a line?

tallulah - this is what you said above:

"He came round again last night, sat close to me straight away and looked like he wanted to kiss me, i felt uncomfortable and said so, so he moved away. I was cold at one point so he cuddled me, just with his arm round me and didn't try anything, we were sat like that for ages.

We did kiss and again, things got heated (it's very difficult not to sleep with him, he's gorgeous) but we didn't take it any further. To give him his dues, he said he had better stop because he was getting too turned on, and he said he had better go home. He didn't leave straight away, ten mins later he had calmed down so he stayed a while longer just talking."

How can you possibly read that as saying he doesn't obviously want sex? He's playing it very carefully because you've said that you wouldn't do anything sexual unless "in a relationship or heading towards one". So he doesn't want to push too far and quickly because it will make you think he just wants sex in which case you've said he won't get any!

It may just be me but it just screams out at me! It's so obvious.

Bloody hell, talullah. Just read your update. You've managed to get him completely confused, I think. And it sounds like you are confused too.

He wants sex with you. He might want a relationship after that, but make no mistake that the first thing he wants is sex.

FFS. You brought him into the house with your dc there?

Have a look at yourself, love. Seriously.

And the cuddling you and kissing your forehead thing is weird. This is the second or third time you've met, right??

I'm guessing here on what you've said, but my bet is that he thinks you are vulnerable so offers what looks like reassurance and something safe. But he wants sex, tallulah. And I'd be a bit wary of him being so intense so quickly.

We are in a relationship not just dating

You've met up twice in your own home. That isn't a relationship. Yet.