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Original poster

H may be seriously ill just as I finally filled in the divorce papers :-(

88 replies

Antoniabegonia · 17/09/2014 21:07

After a long and unhappy marriage to an abusive man I'd finally had enough and filled in all the papers and was completely certain I would go ahead with it. I showed H the paperwork with the UBs listed as I want him to sign and not contest and he said he would.

He has been complaining of a continuous sore throat make worse by shouting at me, which of course is my fault Biscuit for weeks and he came out of the bathroom that afternoon white and told me he had coughed up some blood. He was completely freaked and saw the GP Monday who has booked him in for emergency tests. I believe him but I am gutted as leaving someone who may have cancer is awful. If I did go my DD who has a disabled child would be obliged to help him out or arrange things for him if i didn't do this. There is no one else near capable of helping him in any way but he is still telling me to leave.

I had already booked an estate agent yesterday who gave me good news about the value of our house and H informed me that his 'investor' would pay me half the maximum value which is a great deal for me. The penny finally dropped with this woman who would buy me out as he mentioned she had to drive up from *. The only person I know lives there is his ex fiancé from years ago who he found on friends reunited! The bastard has always held her up as perfect and unfavourably compared me to her. I don't particularly care but angry that i will feel guilty if I leave and hate him even more if I stay.

Does it sound reasonable to stay until he has a diagnosis and take it from there? It shouldn't take long. He says he doesn't want my help but I think this is bloody mindedness. We are not even speaking as he says it will hurt his throat but it doesn't stop him swigging whiskey!

OP posts:
magoria · 17/09/2014 21:11

An abusive wanker is an abusive wanker ill or not.

Don't waste your time waiting for a diagnosis.

Tell your DD she doesn't have to help him out. She is not obliged to.

magoria · 17/09/2014 21:12

Sorry that sounds cold and heartless.

I am just suspicious this has all happened suddenly since you decided to divorce.

RandomMess · 17/09/2014 21:13

Walk away, not your problem!

CleanLinesSharpEdges · 17/09/2014 21:14

Chop on and get the papers to a solicitor or whatever you need to do with them.

He's probably just irritated the lining of his throat if he's been shouting at you for weeks and tbh I'd be highly suspicious about his visit to the GP and these 'emergency tests'. No GP that I know would even mention cancer at this point. In a nutshell, I call bullshit on it.

Carry on with your plans.

BIWI · 17/09/2014 21:15

Well then surely his ex fiancee can look after him? No reason why you or your DD should feel obligated to look after him.

Don't let this stop you. You deserve to be happy and not to feel obliged to help someone who has been abusive to you.

LadyWithLapdog · 17/09/2014 21:15

I think I'd go ahead and offer any help, if I felt inclined, after the divorce.

superstarheartbreaker · 17/09/2014 21:15

He will play this card as a last ditch desperate attempt to keep you. Cancer... My arse. Lost voice due to being an abusive prick more like!

simontowers2 · 17/09/2014 21:17

Karma.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 17/09/2014 21:17

Sounds like his beloved ex-fiancee can look after him if he needs any looking after. My BIL had throat cancer and was able to work full-time though most of the treatment. He might not need any looking after at all.

He's an abusive arse so I think you should just go ahead with the divorce. An abusive arse with cancer is still an abusive arse.

Neena28 · 17/09/2014 21:17

Yes I'm very suspicious too. I have a friend who's (d) p started passing blood when he went to the loo just after she finally had enough and stopped returning his calls or engaging with him in any way during their divorce. He also had test etc but never found a reason and it was never witness or happened for a sample. I still think it was a last ditch attempt by him to get her attention.

You aren't obliged to stay any longer than you want to. He sounds like a bully and you sound as if you've had enough. Your daughter isn't obliged either. If there is another woman involves she can help look after him if necessary.

I sound harsh but it's time for you to leave, move on and enjoy your life. Flowers

Finola1step · 17/09/2014 21:20

Keep going with the divorce plans.

He is playing the mind fuck game. But it's only playable if you join in. Step away from the game.

Concentrate on protecting yourself and your dd. Take what's owed and run like the effing wind.

LoveBeingAwakeInTheNight · 17/09/2014 21:25

Please go

Pinkielove · 17/09/2014 21:30

I was in just the same situ. My then husband had throat cancer in 2000, our son was then 2. We went through hell, but after he thought he was in the clear, he decided to carry on drinking and smoking, ducking and dodging the disease every check up. He became abusive, yelling, swearing, I have had holes punched in doors, dinners thrown at me, along with beer cans, full and empty. 5 years ago, my soulmate and long time friend and I realised we had feelings for each other, and I decided enough was enough, I had to take the chance of a better life with someone who truly loved me. Just as I decided to leave, the cancer came back, I agonised over how to leave someone who was so poorly. I said I would stay till the treatment was over, but only a few radiotherapy sessions in, he assaulted both me and my son in a drunken rage. The police took him away, there was a restraining order, and I gave evidence against him on my 50th birthday. My family were brilliant, told me to separate the illness from the behaviour and my unhappiness and to move on with the man I loved. I sold the house on my own, gave up my job, friends, moved my son in school, and moved 100 miles to be with my soulmate. We are still blissfully happy, my now ex is still alive, and I know I did right by myself and my son. Life is short, dont stay through guilt, and put the person and the illness in completely separate boxes. Be happy and dont stay in a life without love. I have never been happier than I am now and you can have that too.

todayisnottheday · 17/09/2014 21:32

What happened the last time you were sick?

Having cancer (assuming he does) does not transform you into a good person. It doesn't wipe out the hurt and harm a bad person with cancer is still a bad person. You've made the break please don't back down now. Otherwise where does it end? Diagnosis? First treatment? Remission? All clear? This is the bed he made himself.

As for the ex, well if you want to sell I'd say stuff who's money it is. Take it and run. The best revenge is a life well lived.

todayisnottheday · 17/09/2014 21:35

*whose! !

cestlavielife · 17/09/2014 21:36

He is telling you to leave.
He doesn't want your help.
His ex apparently is involved.

So just go.

Simples.

Original poster
Antoniabegonia · 17/09/2014 21:38

It certainly is karma. Years of drinking and smoking and having a go at me for asking him to stop!

I did think maybe help out after the divorce and I have my own home but my plan was to move out and never see or hear from him again. The thought of going through all the divorce and still having contact is horrific Sad

You are all saying exactly what I want to do and I think it's what I should do. I think moving forward with the divorce is the way to go and I could still support him (purely out of common humanity) while it is going on and after I leave. It's not ideal but the best of a bad job.

The papers are all ready to go. Just need to get my head around supporting him. The ex fiancé I think is just a friend and not a romantic interest but who really knows? Finding this out has at least taken away some of the guilt as he knows how I feel about this woman.

OP posts:
sus14 · 17/09/2014 21:39

When I was diagnosed, I sat in a room of 50 people who all had cancer symptoms and had been referred and only lucky me actually had cancer. So he probably doesn't.

But I am leaving my h who is also abusive and one of my reasons is that should I get Ill again , I don't want him looking after me. It's a long road cancer, and full of stress and upset and resentment at the best of times. You can help him more by helping without being his wife still .

Original poster
Antoniabegonia · 17/09/2014 21:56

Pinkie. Thank heavens you got out. As you say a bastard is a bastard is a bastard and I know H is just so bloody manipulative and totally messes with my mind and I am so desperate to take this last chance for freedom especially knowing he has remained in touch with this ex for most of our marriage.

4 days ago I was all set to go and just waiting for the estate agents appraisal before sending off the papers then all this. I just can't believe it! One moment brilliant and a few hours later desperation! He disappeared off for 8 hours and I was phoning hospitals and I drove to the hospitals looking for his car, but I was hoping he was dead in an accident just to put an end to it all Sad. Don't really wish him dead but I did at that moment for all the mind games. Came home of course just as I was about to phone the police.

If his laryngoscopy is soon I will wait for the result then go if he is still being an arse but help out if he starts asking our DD to help out with things. She has enough on her plate.

I must have been a really awful person in a former life !

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 17/09/2014 22:05

I could probably go into the bathroom now and make myself bleed in that way. He's reacting to your threat, that's all.

Original poster
Antoniabegonia · 17/09/2014 22:06

The estate agent said my house and garden was lovely Smile. Nothing really needed doing, nicely decorated, garden full of flowers. I do all the decorating and have recently spent weeks doing most of the rooms (before I decided to take my head out of the sand and had a cup of tea knocked out of my hand). All year getting the garden painted and planted and looking so nice.

All so that he can stay in it and enjoy it with the money he gets from his ex regardless of their relationship.

Poetic injustice if ever there was Angry Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Antoniabegonia · 17/09/2014 22:08

I guess it is possible he just invented this blood Hmm

OP posts:
rempy · 17/09/2014 22:09

It could be TB - in which case it's a shitty divorce "present" for you, from him (you'll need treatment too).

So waste no more time. Get on and out.

StickEmOnTheWall · 17/09/2014 22:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

tribpot · 17/09/2014 22:12

You need to go. You are severing your obligations to him and, whilst it would be more socially acceptable to be leaving him whilst he is well, if he is ill it doesn't change your intention. Move on with your life and leave him to do the same with his. If the roles were reversed and he were the one moving out you can bet your arse he wouldn't change his mind merely because you had been to the GP.