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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

H may be seriously ill just as I finally filled in the divorce papers :-(

88 replies

Antoniabegonia · 17/09/2014 21:07

After a long and unhappy marriage to an abusive man I'd finally had enough and filled in all the papers and was completely certain I would go ahead with it. I showed H the paperwork with the UBs listed as I want him to sign and not contest and he said he would.

He has been complaining of a continuous sore throat make worse by shouting at me, which of course is my fault Biscuit for weeks and he came out of the bathroom that afternoon white and told me he had coughed up some blood. He was completely freaked and saw the GP Monday who has booked him in for emergency tests. I believe him but I am gutted as leaving someone who may have cancer is awful. If I did go my DD who has a disabled child would be obliged to help him out or arrange things for him if i didn't do this. There is no one else near capable of helping him in any way but he is still telling me to leave.

I had already booked an estate agent yesterday who gave me good news about the value of our house and H informed me that his 'investor' would pay me half the maximum value which is a great deal for me. The penny finally dropped with this woman who would buy me out as he mentioned she had to drive up from *. The only person I know lives there is his ex fiancé from years ago who he found on friends reunited! The bastard has always held her up as perfect and unfavourably compared me to her. I don't particularly care but angry that i will feel guilty if I leave and hate him even more if I stay.

Does it sound reasonable to stay until he has a diagnosis and take it from there? It shouldn't take long. He says he doesn't want my help but I think this is bloody mindedness. We are not even speaking as he says it will hurt his throat but it doesn't stop him swigging whiskey!

OP posts:
scaevola · 19/09/2014 06:56

OfCourse

I hope things worked out well for you.

And that's the elephant in the room, isn't it? You would probably be significantly better off as a widow. Start the process, but don't do anything irrevocable until you know his prognosis (with proof, of course).

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/09/2014 07:08

One of the OP's original main concerns was that her DD and grandchild would be provided for if she split from her STBX. Being very unsentimental about it, if he dies pre-divorce the OP benefits as surviving spouse. If he dies post-divorce the DD would presumably benefit. Win-win...

ScrambledEggAndToast · 19/09/2014 07:12

Don't stay, you have made your decision to go. Your daughter doesn't have to help if she doesn't want to.

FunkyBoldRibena · 19/09/2014 07:37

Come on OP - he has form for pretending something awful is happening and thus whilst appearing to be nice, actually fucking your brain around.

You need to get out of this to see normality, which is not this relationship.

CalamitouslyWrong · 19/09/2014 08:11

I think the fact he said he was going to A&E but didn't, opting instead to sleep in his car (or go it the pub as may well have been the case), tells you everything you need to know. He wanted you to think he needed urgent medical attention, but didn't seek it because he's making the whole thing up.

Don't worry yourself over any 'tests' he claims to be having. Certainly, the GP won't gave jumped straight from sore throat and coughing up a tiny amount of blood to cancer. There are so many more likely things it could be. Acid reflux was the first thought when DH had the same symptoms.

Whocansay · 19/09/2014 08:12

Look at this logically. You know he's a manipulative bully. And he's cunning. He's gone for a 2 pronged attack. Firstly he's 'ill'. As such, you're a heartless bitch for leaving him in his time of need. Secondly, he's brought in reinforcements designed to make you jealous. He wants you to do the 'pick me' dance.

He's still the same twat. Ignore him and concentrate on self preservation.

OfCourse · 19/09/2014 09:18

I'm a free woman with the assets (financial abuse, everything in his name, but no will meant it passed to me - wife gets first 250K, any surplus bound in trust for children) . So yes, Scaevola.

Original poster
Antoniabegonia · 19/09/2014 10:15

Ofcourse. That's awful. I hope you don't feel any guilt because that's what people like him like to do. Hence my feeling guilty if I leave now, even though I know it's nothing to do with me and I need to go now. I'm glad it worked out for you in the end though.

We have mirror wills. He leaves his half of the house to me to live in but it goes to the children after I die (or downsize). He has already said (and probably done) I am being taken off as the beneficiary of his pensions and I'm not sure about life insurance. Not a lot I think. He is open to change his will and knowing him he will do this regardless of whether I stay or go. I think no matter what he will want revenge on me for 'destroying his life and health' Sad. I have wished him dead on occasion but not really meaning it iyswim.

He has left his half of the house to DD for DGCs. But he is just as likely to think up a way to fall out with her. It's like living with a petulant child.

I will continue with the divorce and as it takes so long will know if there is anything genuine in this illness or if it is serious before much longer.

Thanks
OP posts:
Justatoe · 19/09/2014 13:52

My abusive ex had, apparently, severe heart problems when I was trying to leave. No sign of them since and bastard is still alive.

awfulomission · 19/09/2014 14:00

Look - divorcing him does not preclude you from helping your daughter to help him if needs be. I can see why you would worry about the impact on the rest of your family but there are other ways to alleviate any pressure she may come under as a result of your (correct) choice to pursue the divorce.

Glad you are coming through your wobble. Push on through with that divorce and do what is right for you.

sashh · 19/09/2014 14:29

I know I am a cynic but the timing of this is just perfect for him isn't it?

If he really has coughed up blood then it doesn't mean it is cancer.

I thought coughing blood was a symptom of TB, which means he will be on antibiotics for 6 months.

fedupbutfine · 19/09/2014 17:11

what if he isn't lying?

I say that as someone who was just pregnant when her ex walked out. I was accused of all sorts of shit - getting pregnant on purpose, rape, having an affair, not being pregnant, faking pregnancy tests....it was truly, truly awful to have to go through that.

I am not suggesting that the OP shouldn't leave, or that a diagnosis of cancer is something she should stay for, but I am suggesting that 'jury's out' on the throat thing and time will tell. I would continue with the plans I had made and move on with my life. If you want to offer to help in the event that he is ill, do so, and see what happens.

Original poster
Antoniabegonia · 19/09/2014 20:43

I did offer to stay and help out but he said he didn't want my help so I posted the divorce papers!

I do agree though that in the event of there being something genuinely wrong I will help out rather than let him drag other people, especially DD down with him.

I've always told myself if I ever go through the pain of divorce because of him I would make sure I never heard or saw from him again as long as I lived.

Now that I've posted the paperwork I can't believe I stayed with someone who does nothing but think (and say) the worst of me when he should be thinking the best Sad.

OP posts:
WellWhoKnew · 19/09/2014 22:35

Poor you. I hope you're feeling okay tonight.

Original poster
Antoniabegonia · 20/09/2014 09:59

H has just received all the paperwork and is reading them as I write Shock

My hand was shaking when I opened my notification and realised what his letter was. He seems to be calm about it but I expect all the financial pressure and games to start soon.

I will not engage, don't worry, I know what provokes him.

Feeling a lot bit stressed but I knew this would happen.

I'm sure everyone going through similar feels sick all the time. Sad

OP posts:
tribpot · 20/09/2014 10:01

When can you move out? Even in the most amicable divorce I don't think living together and dealing with the legal stuff can be good. In this situation, intolerable.

LIZS · 20/09/2014 10:01

presumably you know that you can make a claim on his pensions ?

WellWhoKnew · 20/09/2014 10:23

Antonio, you've made a giant leap for freedom. Are you intending to do a so-called DIY divorce or is it Solicitor-led?

Divorce, whether you want it or not, is not pleasant - I hope you've got some nice plans for today to get you and about a bit.

Viviennemary · 20/09/2014 10:29

I think you would be right to be sceptical about how serious his illness is. I would go ahead with the divorce and keep that separate from any help you might feel inclined to give him or not give him in the event of his illness being very serious. But don't engage in this emotional stuff.

Castlemilk · 20/09/2014 10:31

Good on you.

And LOL at you being 'taken off as the beneficiary of his pensions'!

I assume he isn't aware, then, that you will (I hope) be making a claim in the divorce for a substantial chunk of them whether he likes it or not?!

Oh and I'd bet a substantial chunk of anything that the blood didn't happen.

Original poster
Antoniabegonia · 20/09/2014 10:38

No possibility of moving out unfortunately. He'd probably change the locks and make it really difficult anyway to get my property out.

I asked him to just sign and he said he has to consult a solicitor as there is a major error in my petition! Of course wouldn't say what it is and I just said mind games! He seems quite jovial though but it's often an act. Presumably if the court sent it to him they don't think there is a major error?

His voice does sound quite hoarse now I listen carefully and he has an urgent test booked for the 2nd October (overheard phone conversation with his B). But I've already sorted that in my mind.

I'm not using a solicitor in person at the moment but an online advice blog until we get to the financial settlement. I will ask for some of his pension and he will have half of mine. Not a lot in it but equality. It's just the savings I am worried about as I need mine to buy somewhere nice to live. I know.

Feeling a bit better now, but I know it's going to be so stressful. About to go and see DD so it's nice to be in a normal atmosphere.

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 20/09/2014 11:02

See a solicitor. Please don't get caught in a situation where you don't have a solicitor and he does. It is not a good idea to answer legal letters by yourself. It is a minefield and could end up costing you a lot of money.

My cousin thought she could do it as you are, her husband was difficult and his solicitor - as they are paid to- worked in his interests and she lost a lot of money through her naivety.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 20/09/2014 12:01

Another one saying please put your hand in your pocket & get legal advice from a professional source. It's not always necessary but , as you're dealing with an uncooperative game - player, you need something rock solid in response.

handfulofcottonbuds · 20/09/2014 12:36

Before my STBXH left for his OW, he told me he was having tests for cancer and it was my fault and would be on my conscience as I made him sick.

He never told me the results but I found out it was all rubbish and another way he tried to mess with my head.

He still has the pain a year on, probably anxiety over him being such a shit to me.

I'm not saying it is nothing with the spitting blood thing but it seems another tactic they use to mess with our heads.

Stay strong Thanks

tipsytrifle · 20/09/2014 13:30

Totally agree that you really really need a solicitor as of now.
I am not yet a believer in H's illness...