H may be seriously ill just as I finally filled in the divorce papers :-(

[Antoniabegonia]

After a long and unhappy marriage to an abusive man I'd finally had enough and filled in all the papers and was completely certain I would go ahead with it. I showed H the paperwork with the UBs listed as I want him to sign and not contest and he said he would.

He has been complaining of a continuous sore throat make worse by shouting at me, which of course is my fault for weeks and he came out of the bathroom that afternoon white and told me he had coughed up some blood. He was completely freaked and saw the GP Monday who has booked him in for emergency tests. I believe him but I am gutted as leaving someone who may have cancer is awful. If I did go my DD who has a disabled child would be obliged to help him out or arrange things for him if i didn't do this. There is no one else near capable of helping him in any way but he is still telling me to leave.

I had already booked an estate agent yesterday who gave me good news about the value of our house and H informed me that his 'investor' would pay me half the maximum value which is a great deal for me. The penny finally dropped with this woman who would buy me out as he mentioned she had to drive up from *. The only person I know lives there is his ex fiancé from years ago who he found on friends reunited! The bastard has always held her up as perfect and unfavourably compared me to her. I don't particularly care but angry that i will feel guilty if I leave and hate him even more if I stay.

Does it sound reasonable to stay until he has a diagnosis and take it from there? It shouldn't take long. He says he doesn't want my help but I think this is bloody mindedness. We are not even speaking as he says it will hurt his throat but it doesn't stop him swigging whiskey!

I will get a solicitor if needs be but at the moment he is saying he will sign it so until we get to the financial settlement I can't see a problem. I have a clear idea about how the finances should be divided and if he deviates from that idea (which is fair) I will see a solicitor straight away.

I am trying to get all the photo albums I put together a year ago out of the house. I've left him the negatives. He is not in any btw! The only things I really want are these memories of my kids.

What ever the major error is it can be corrected and a new petition for divorce started.

It will just be a delay not a complete halt.

If there is one.

There's no error because the court have sent it on. I think it's just a mind game.

Please see a solicitor face to face. They will offer you advice and guidance through the minefield. You especially need to talk about the house, pensions and life assurance. Your Wills need to be updated upon divorce.

It's very easy to be swayed by talking to H directly about who has what etc but you may not end up with what you are entitled to. A solicitor will have all the information needed to help you.

The "error" is that you think you can divorce him without his permission.

Ha.

Just so you know, my name is spelt incorrectly and my date of birth is wrong in the divorce petition I received...

AND two of the six reasons don't met the criteria.

Didn't stop it being approved for Nisi though.

He can try to contest the divorce, and like a lot of people, find it is a very costly and pointless exercise.

You just keep doing your bit and leave him to do his. The mind games can only work if you entertainment.

Refuse to play ball, as you are doing, is the right thing to do here.

Good luck - it's a horrible process, but you will get the best reward: Freedom.

H is being horribly nice. Says he will sign it when he has seen a solicitor just to make sure he is not agreeing to something he doesn't agree with.

The 'big error' which he was concerned about was my ticking all the financials but he understood when I explained it was not my claiming them but leaving options open.

Also his 'investor' has pulled out (was there ever one?) so the house will go on the market. More stress and I won't get the price I expected from his so called friend, so my housing expectations have gone down.

Him being all sweet reasonableness is why men like him control people like me. We keep trying to find that sweet lovely person and wonder why he's been replaced by a monster. It's so much easier to hate a monster and keep strong. When we see the man we thought we married appear again it really messes with your mind.

I will continue with this. I will read my diaries and realise why I need to carry on.

Let him be horribly nice - it's okay, you have months to change your mind, but usually once the divorce kicks in any pretending of decency evaporates, and normality commences...

Focus on you, and keeping you sane. KOKO.

I know reality always kicks in because of his sense of entitlement. Marriage for him is a one way street and after all this time I know he won't be doing any u turns.

You are a step ahead of me, I told my abusive twat of a husband 3 weeks ago that I wanted a divorce and he has been as much sweetness and light as he can muster since then (but still the odd flashpoint, which he controls, but I can see it! He even stuck 2 fingers up at me yesterday as I asked him to wait to empty his saucepan until I had washed up the last 2 things). I have saved all his outbursts for last 6 months in the notes on my phone and they are shocking to read, so yes keep reading your diaries, they can't hide forever!.

I think you are very brave, making the step. Did you fill in the petition and show it to him as a way to make him realise you were in earnest? I'm not sure whether to do that or see a mediator and let them write to him to invite him to mediation first.

He's just kicked off at me again as he takes our dd out to something she is really nervous about doing - hate him for spoiling it for her. This week I will follow your example and make it clear , either by booking a mediation appt or by drafting divorce petition - that I WILL do this.

Following your thread as inspiration !

So pleased you went ahead withe the papers, OP.

I will add to the clamour for you to get a solicitor . He is already playing games with you (now you see her, now you don't investor) and saying he wiill take you off his pension.

There is no way he will co operate with Anything fair! Why would anyone who knocks tea out of someone's hand have a mindset to be fair and reasonable ?

He's getting a solicitor to make sure you get as little as possible.

If he has a solicitor, you need one. You need one anyway.

Sue. I put up with that type of behaviour for years and I stayed in the marriage for the sake of my children having a secure home. My DS had emotional problems and I felt he needed 2 parents and constant support from me. Being rehoused somewhere (possible a sink estate) would have exposed him to influences and drugs I could not risk). I know this was looking on the black side but I couldn't risk it.

I still don't know if this was the right decision but I opted to stay and we all walked on eggshells around H. To me looking back, I made the right choice to stay as DS now works and has his own home, despite being socially very odd and DD is happily married.

I can identify with the saucepan episode! H wanted to empty his teacup (it's all teacups in this house!) in the sink and when it was full threw the tea onto the patio I had spend a couple of hours power washing where it stained the slabs!

Don't put up with this treatment like I did if you have any other option. My children have turned out pretty well but I feel emotionally battered by it all. If I were you I would get some free legal advice on your options. Not sure how mediation works. I just reached the end of the road and went straight for divorce after he knocked a cup of tea out of my hand. I am using an online service because my situation is very straightforward. I defended and clean break with pension sharing. I will get a solicitor or a free half hour if things are in any way going belly up.
www.moneyanddivorce.co.uk/p/practical-guides.html

I doubt the "investor" was a serious contender in the first place, Antonia. In some ways there will be better control of the house-sale if an outside agency is in charge. He can still make a mess of proceedings if he decides to be obtusive and obstructive (more so than usual, that is). But there are ways to assert selling the house so that you can be free.

Did you say you could afford to move out in any case? If it is at all do-able is it something you would prefer to do?

It would be better if you keep the negs with regard to photos. They will be in better care with you, I'm sure. Plus he'll never be able to use them as blackmail or torture. I say blackmail because if you ever needed copies of anything, the conditions attached to borrowing a neg would be nasty. In time you can do a duplicate set of albums for his exclusive ownership.

All in all how are you bearing up?