Emotional affair/actual affair? Advice please

[polarpercy]

Hi I've lurked for years and been posting for about 1 year now, but I've seen good sage advice on this board. Now perhaps I need some.

For a while I've felt something was just a bit 'off' at home with my husband, never very attentive with me anyway and has been making increasing excuses and also seems surgically attached to any electronic device. Long-story short I was trapped under a breastfeeding baby with only his kindle fire to hand. I thought I'd have a browse, as it has internet access. Opened cover and it was unlocked (he'd not long left room, despite me asking if he could please pass me something as I was stuck),it was open on twitter and a series of DM/private messages with a colleague of his.

I saw my name and stupidly wanted to know what was being said. Over the course of several weeks there is flirting (she offers herself to him if he will 'work for it', he says he'd give it a go) I should mention she is married with a child but is poly. My husband has always called me intolerant and a prude for not wanting/being poly. Then they are bitching about me;

-I'm selfish for wanting him to do more around the house. She responds that she wouldn't ask for that. All I want is to not do all the food shopping, meal-planning, cooking, washing, drying, cleaning. I am being serious here!

• I'm controlling for not wanting him to go out all the time, leaving me at home.
• I'm uptight and have no friends apparently, which is news to me and charming. It also makes me wonder if everyone else hates me.
• I'm apparently not as affectionate as she would be to him.
• I also don't know him as well as this person apparently, seems a grass is greener view there.

Am I being silly to be crying and upset? I really need someone to be objective, I don't want to phone my mum as I know she won't be! Is this an emotional affair? I feel like everything I was/am doing is not good enough and that I'm being run-down in these secret conversations.

Apologies for length

Another thing, sorry, some of the messages from her make reference to things I have emailed or messaged my husband. Mocking me or belittling me. It feels nothing is private in our marriage and I seem fair game.

You are certainly right to feel upset and betrayed by the man who you chose to share your life with.

His behaviour is low, selfish and truly sickening.

The woman he is speaking to about you is no better!

Have you told him what you saw?

Oh and do ask him why he stays with you, if you are all the things described in his messages?

They sound a complete pair of shits. Sorry, OP, reading those messages must have been horrible.

You are not silly to be upset, and I hope you're soon steaming angry - he has behaved appallingly.

Btw, what is 'poly'?

Thank you for making me feel like I'm not crazy.

Things like this have happened in the past and he's always talked me down. I haven't mentioned it. I literally found it about an hour before I posted and he's just walked out of house to have some 'him time'.

The vile thing is, she invited me to her house the other week and I thought she liked me. Obviously not and it only served to add more mocking to subsequent messages between them

Sorry, polyamorous, She is married but dates other people.

OP, I wouldn't stay with a man like that. He sounds a right twat.

He's having at the very least an emotional affair (though given she's in a polyamorous relationship and he wants to be in one, I wouldn't be at all surprised if it's gone further) but worse than that is the lack of respect shown to you by each of them.

She clearly feels free to bitch about you; he sounds ridiculously sorry for himself (ohh poor me, my wife doesn't want me to shag around, I have to put my mug in the dishwasher...) and singularly unattractive.

Can you envisage a life without him?

OMG, you poor thing! There's you lovingly feeding his offspring while he sits there slagging you off electronically. He sounds a right charmer. Want to say she's welcome to him but know how awful you must feel. He needs bringing into line over this, but I know from experience that it's so hard to do something whilst concentrating on nurturing a young child. Hope someone has better advice for you soon.

Fuck that. I'd have packed him a bag and told him to piss off to greener pastures if that is how much (or little) he thought of me and our marriage.

What a pair of shits.

Hope you're okay.

Do you know what Imperial I think I can. I need to get finances in order. Ha ha, he's always played the 'I don't know how to budget or money works, you do the boring stuff', well that's going to bite him in the ass now. Sorry, sound childish.

I'm working my way through the messages, saw one where they are trying to arrange to meet up and he's moaning about being stuck on the phone. Checked my call log and he was on the phone to me...

well if he thinks you are so inferior, why is he deigning to stay with you? I wouldn't want to be under the same roof as him in your shoes. I would tell him what i'd seen and ask him to leave - is this possible for you, or have you somewhere you could go for a while - your mum's?

He is beneath contempt.

Thank you all, I'm still crying but I don't feel like it's my fault or I'm crazy/psycho as I'm being painted in these messages.

Thing like this have happened in the past?

Bluntly your H wants to fuck around with other women.

He does not respect that you do no want to and if he hasn't already he will one day cross the line.

All you can do is decided if you would rather stay in a relationship where you are discussed and considered with such obvious contempt or if you would rather be single with self respect.

I suggest you have a full STI check up and make sure you use condoms if you have sex with this man again.

If you get another chance screen shot or forward these messages to yourself so you have proof of what a shit he is.

Also (sorry, am a techno dunce) are you able to copy the messages, or forward them to yourself? Keep the evidence as he might well delete everything as soon as he gets the chance.

The thing is he moved us several hours from family. We were engaged and he refused to look for jobs near where we had family/grew up. I stupidly gave in and moved. We now live several hours away. I lost touch with friends because I could never visit them. We live near where he studied, so he still has his network.

I sound really pathetic don't I?

Not a techo dunce at all, I was going to ask the same! Does anyone know if I can copy Twitter DM conversations? At the moment I have the kindle.

I don't think it matters what you call it. It comes under the heading of 'how fucking dare he?!' Flirting? Discussing you with someone? Badmouthing you behind your back? Mocking you? I know there's the old adage of 'eavesdroppers never hearing good of themselves' but you're quite right to be upset.

Don't take ANY of this on yourself. Anyone who calls someone an intolerant prude for wanting to be faithful is just a sleazeball and a shit. Aren't you furious?

Think you should tell him to leave the home for a while, give yourself chance to think and then call Mum. She's going to say 'LTB' and I think she'd be right.

So sorry OP, I think you need to tell him you've seen the messages and he needs to go and stay somewhere else whilst you have a chance to process what you've just seen

"I sound really pathetic don't I?"

You sound like you're being conditioned to accept worse and worse treatment designed to crush your confidence and keep you under control. Relocating you hundreds of miles from family could easily be a deliberate move to isolate you. He's going after other women (she won't be the only one - you realise that?) and I suspect he wanted you to read those messages. You're not pathetic but I think you could be a victim of emotional abuse

You don't sound remotely pathetic! In the space of a few posts you've already started talking in terms if getting finances in order, so you know upyou have options and you know how to start turning thse into actual plans if you decide that.

You don't have to decide what you are going to do straight away. Take all the time you need to think and plan.

PS: I wonder if OW's husband knows the marriage is poly?

Thank you, everyone, and thank you Cogito for the rage! I know you never hear good about yourself like that.I don't know what made me do it. I just felt that something wasn't right.

It gets worse, there are messages into the night. I can recall him then moaning to me the next morning that he was/is tired. She likes to think/project that she is some sort of wanton sex-goddess.

Back-story/possibly drip-feeding (sorry) I met a lovely wife of a colleague of both of theirs a couple of years ago. She warned me that this woman had tried it on physically with her husband. He had rebuffed her and they now did not speak and he asked to be moved departments, which he was. Perhaps I should have paid more attention.

It all sounds bizarre I appreciate.

On my Kindle if you hold down the volume and power key at the same time, it takes a screenshot. You could then email them to yourself.

Auntie he does, he did briefly date another woman. But rather ironically his wife complained because she had not long had their child (much like me now!) and she felt compared and un-loved. Don't know if he is still poly but she is definitely poly and likes to make a big deal out of it and the fact that she is also bi.

Thank you Ermagerd I will try that.

Thank you, you are a genius. That's worked!