Emotional affair/actual affair? Advice please

[polarpercy]

Hi I've lurked for years and been posting for about 1 year now, but I've seen good sage advice on this board. Now perhaps I need some.

For a while I've felt something was just a bit 'off' at home with my husband, never very attentive with me anyway and has been making increasing excuses and also seems surgically attached to any electronic device. Long-story short I was trapped under a breastfeeding baby with only his kindle fire to hand. I thought I'd have a browse, as it has internet access. Opened cover and it was unlocked (he'd not long left room, despite me asking if he could please pass me something as I was stuck),it was open on twitter and a series of DM/private messages with a colleague of his.

I saw my name and stupidly wanted to know what was being said. Over the course of several weeks there is flirting (she offers herself to him if he will 'work for it', he says he'd give it a go) I should mention she is married with a child but is poly. My husband has always called me intolerant and a prude for not wanting/being poly. Then they are bitching about me;

-I'm selfish for wanting him to do more around the house. She responds that she wouldn't ask for that. All I want is to not do all the food shopping, meal-planning, cooking, washing, drying, cleaning. I am being serious here!

• I'm controlling for not wanting him to go out all the time, leaving me at home.
• I'm uptight and have no friends apparently, which is news to me and charming. It also makes me wonder if everyone else hates me.
• I'm apparently not as affectionate as she would be to him.
• I also don't know him as well as this person apparently, seems a grass is greener view there.

Am I being silly to be crying and upset? I really need someone to be objective, I don't want to phone my mum as I know she won't be! Is this an emotional affair? I feel like everything I was/am doing is not good enough and that I'm being run-down in these secret conversations.

Apologies for length

What a fucking click, next time he texts some shite reply telling him he needs an sti check as syphilis can cause the unhinged behaviour he is exhibiting!(probably not a good idea if you are hoping to remain civil)

*cock not click, I got auto corrected

Polar - first, you're doing amazingly well. You're being strong, calm and determined & that's brilliant!

I wanted to add that you aren't alone in having had to endure a man who thinks he can have it all. My ex was just the same & I did unfortunately see emails between him & the OW discussing their "future" whilst he was still supposedly with me! She slagged me off when she didn't even know me & he went along with it because he is spineless and wanted to keep shagging her!

My ex & the OW are now swingers - knowing my ex, he will have been the instigator & pushed OW into this. However, knowing that OW will do whatever he wants in order for him to continue to bankroll her, she'll do whatever. I am so glad I'm not her & quite honestly, if they want to shag loads of randoms in dodgy clubs & pick up STI's then that's up to them.

I'm glad I'm not a part of his life anymore & you will feel the same way too Polar. Stay strong.

It won't change what happened but he could apologies for all the vile thongs he said about you and shagging another woman.

Why the fuck would you want to be friends with this woman? Why would she want to be friends with you if she believed all the things he said about you?

It is bullshit to sop his conscience. It is already going the way to end up your fault you and she are not friends and he needed someone to talk to. Obviously he talks with his cock and her with her vagina as that is how they ended up communicating.

So sorry you're going through this. He is an utter shit and you have done absolutely the right thing in throwing him out. What i found helped with my ex (he had a long affair - I stayed for 3 horrible months after finding out and wish I hadn't) was to write stuff down - lists of things he'd said, the order of events etc. As they try and turn things round, make you feel unreasonable, worm their way out of it. All I had to do when he did that was read through my list of reasons why never ever ever again could I go back there and it helped me stay sane. Otherwise it is easy to doubt yourself, wonder if you should give them another chance etc etc.

polarpercy I have no experience of this kind of thing to share, but i just want to say that I find you very impressive! I don't think I could have dealt with something like this with the wisdom and dignity that you're showing.
Very best of luck to you.

polar you are an amazing woman. They both sound disgusting and you are so well rid of him.

Can you make plans to move back home where you have a better support network? Don't ask him, you can decide what you want to do and then tell him when it is a done deal.

Have you confided in any of your family or old friends who could help?

Also, see a solicitor when you get a chance - and do not under any circumstances confide anything in his family.

OP, you sound fantastic. Well done

Don't ever take him back. You will come under a lot of pressure to do so, and not just from him

You need a man like this like you need a hole in the head

I've just read all of your thread and wanted to tell you how impressed I am by you OP. You're in a horrid situation but you've handled it with strength and courage.

It's not going to be easy for you, but if you carry on in the way you've started you'll be fine.

You are worth so much more than he's been giving you, so please don't take him back and sell yourself short.

Keep strong and give your baby a cuddle when you're feeling low and think about what you'd want them to do if they were in your situation.