Emotional affair/actual affair? Advice please

[polarpercy]

Hi I've lurked for years and been posting for about 1 year now, but I've seen good sage advice on this board. Now perhaps I need some.

For a while I've felt something was just a bit 'off' at home with my husband, never very attentive with me anyway and has been making increasing excuses and also seems surgically attached to any electronic device. Long-story short I was trapped under a breastfeeding baby with only his kindle fire to hand. I thought I'd have a browse, as it has internet access. Opened cover and it was unlocked (he'd not long left room, despite me asking if he could please pass me something as I was stuck),it was open on twitter and a series of DM/private messages with a colleague of his.

I saw my name and stupidly wanted to know what was being said. Over the course of several weeks there is flirting (she offers herself to him if he will 'work for it', he says he'd give it a go) I should mention she is married with a child but is poly. My husband has always called me intolerant and a prude for not wanting/being poly. Then they are bitching about me;

-I'm selfish for wanting him to do more around the house. She responds that she wouldn't ask for that. All I want is to not do all the food shopping, meal-planning, cooking, washing, drying, cleaning. I am being serious here!

• I'm controlling for not wanting him to go out all the time, leaving me at home.
• I'm uptight and have no friends apparently, which is news to me and charming. It also makes me wonder if everyone else hates me.
• I'm apparently not as affectionate as she would be to him.
• I also don't know him as well as this person apparently, seems a grass is greener view there.

Am I being silly to be crying and upset? I really need someone to be objective, I don't want to phone my mum as I know she won't be! Is this an emotional affair? I feel like everything I was/am doing is not good enough and that I'm being run-down in these secret conversations.

Apologies for length

He even had the fucking cheek to ask me where he should go.

Tell him to go and stay with her.

Actually you know you should now say nothing to him much as you want to.

Apart from access to your DC he is irrelevant in your life going forward.

Get angry and use it positively.

Tell him fuck all. Not your problem. So sorry this has happened. I read this with interest and really couldnt see a nice ending - other than you are now FREE from him - you sound like you will be ok you know, it will be horrible now but you know the truth and you definitely deserve soooo much better than him!!!!
You remind me of me I think - I rarely post but felt I had to here.
Good luck and keep us posted!!! X

Well done. Keep telling yourself that he broke those vows. If it hadn't been her, it would have been someone else. And it quite possibly has been someone else in the past, given the stuff he deleted.

Book yourself in for a STD test and keep strong.

You deserve much better. Good luck with what's ahead. Don't let him beg his way back in. He's in shock that you have got a backbone and won't put up with his cheating.

yay i am really pleased you have found strength here. wow.

keep coming back op.

I'm so sorry to hear how you've been treated. No one deserves that. You sound like a lovely woman with a lot to offer. Stick to your guns and do what's right for you.

YOU ARE FABULOUS! You are coping with all of this so, so well. I'm hugely proud of you for everything - copying the messages, following your instincts, booting him out. YAY FOR YOU.

Everything is going to be so, so much better in your life after this. This is honestly the starting point of the Good Bit. Everything will fall into place.

I see you moving back to your family's town, divorcing blissfully, raising your DC in a happy environment, finally reading how AWESOME you are, and living happily ever after.

*realising, not reading :)

Thank you everyone, in a moment of anger I contacted his family and told them what he did. They're disgusted and I have multiple offers of support from them, which is kind.

He always looked down his nose at people who cheated, and here we are.

So not only are you faithful and sensitive, but brave too - well done, and all good wishes for your future.

Polarpercy when I read you'd kicked him out I did a little cheer!

He's a mega-arshole. The goatse of husbands.

aermingers, that made me laugh!
polar, good luck to you. You're sounding strong, and I have no doubt you'll be okay in time.

Well done on a decisive move that will improve your life (and your confidence) immensely!!

Good work Polarpercy - get rid of him and enjoy the future with your daughter.

You sound amazing.

Thank you everyone for the kind messages and support today. I've finally got a minute to myself! I feel weirdly hollow/empty at the moment, I don't know if it is the aftermath or adrenaline but I feel totally hollow.

I can't believe the excuses he came out with, he was a walking cliche. I can barely recognise the world I'm not in, it's so different from the start of Tuesday.

Of course there will be a shock to the system, but by God, you've done well. Remember you deserve to be treated well, you have friends and family that care about you, and you are acting with courage.

Just lending my support here.

Everyone deserves love. He is a disgusting bully.

Please don't forget to get yourself checked!

You are going to be OK. It's obvious that you have a core of decency and strength and that is enough to get you and your DC through this. Pretty brave that was for calling his parents!! Bravo.

Sending support and admiration. Don't let the creep talk you round - they all try that eventually. Well done for acting swiftly and decisively.

Just look after yourself and DC. You are all that matters right now.

You know, you've handled this so well. You're not keeping his sordid little secret, you've got RL support, you've kept your dignity intact, you've held your head high and refused to accept rubbish treatment and disrespect from him.

Well done. Eventually you'll find someone that treats you with respect, but for now, take the time to enjoy being independent - it's important to take that time and savour making your own decisions and being strong. It can be difficult, but it's a definite confidence builder.

And yes, unfortunately, it's a good idea to get checked to make sure he hasn't passed along any nasties.

And a word of advice that you probably don't want to hear.... be very cautious about what you now tell his parents/family. Yes, initially, in their shock at his behaviour, they were very supportive of you... but blood will win in the long run. Time and again, I have seen this happen - in my life, with friends' situations, and on MN - eventually the fact that he is their son will overcome all the crap behaviour, and they will support him and pull away from you. He will start making excuses (lying as well, most likely) to them, and they will want to believe him - even if the lies are utterly pathetic. Because they don't want to believe their son is a lying cheater, they will start to listen and grasp at the excuses he offers... and slowly they will start to see you as the bad guy who drove him to cheat.

I know it sounds mad, but I've seen it happen so many times. Please prepare yourself, do not trust them implicitly - only tell them things you are happy for your ex to know because they most likely WILL pass that along to him. They will have HIS best interests at heart, no matter what. So protect yourself right from the start and be cautious what personal information about yourself that you give them - nothing that can be used against you in any way. And don't rely on them. Sorry, I hate to say these things, but needs must.

blood will win in the long run

yes. took my mother in law about a fortnight to forget that 'we'll always be there for you and baby-humble'.

I think you've done the right thing. Echoing a PP, don't rely on his family supporting you for any length of time. However annoyed they are now, they are unlikely to ostracise him completely.

If you're feeling hollow/empty it's because, however justified your reaction and however appalling his behaviour, it still sucks that things have come to this. When you got together, this won't be how you envisaged it ending up. Expect there to be some bad days ahead where you alternate between anger, upset and wondering if you've done the right thing and have friends and family close for support.

If it's any consolation, I think that asserting yourself this way and refusing to be mistreated any further will ultimately have a massively positive effect on your self-esteem and confidence. Good luck

Thank you all again. I think you're right about being wary of his family. Whilst they're being kind now I am wondering how much of it is about me and how much is about seeing our daughter. I wonder if they think that if they didn't come in and support me initially that they would somehow lose out.

I've had some pathetic communications from him, he is like a walking cliche. Some of the real gems include: 'I don't think I should say sorry as it won't change what happened', 'I thought you two could be friends (WTACTUALF?)' - with a friend like that I wouldn't need any enemies and that he 'needed someone to talk to'. Ignoring the fact that I have always been there for him, but it seemed easier to screw around than to put the effort in here. If anything every time he has opened his mouth he has hardened my heart.