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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Emotional affair/actual affair? Advice please

84 replies

polarpercy · 16/09/2014 13:09

Hi I've lurked for years and been posting for about 1 year now, but I've seen good sage advice on this board. Now perhaps I need some.

For a while I've felt something was just a bit 'off' at home with my husband, never very attentive with me anyway and has been making increasing excuses and also seems surgically attached to any electronic device. Long-story short I was trapped under a breastfeeding baby with only his kindle fire to hand. I thought I'd have a browse, as it has internet access. Opened cover and it was unlocked (he'd not long left room, despite me asking if he could please pass me something as I was stuck),it was open on twitter and a series of DM/private messages with a colleague of his.

I saw my name and stupidly wanted to know what was being said. Over the course of several weeks there is flirting (she offers herself to him if he will 'work for it', he says he'd give it a go) I should mention she is married with a child but is poly. My husband has always called me intolerant and a prude for not wanting/being poly. Then they are bitching about me;

-I'm selfish for wanting him to do more around the house. She responds that she wouldn't ask for that. All I want is to not do all the food shopping, meal-planning, cooking, washing, drying, cleaning. I am being serious here!

  • I'm controlling for not wanting him to go out all the time, leaving me at home.
  • I'm uptight and have no friends apparently, which is news to me and charming. It also makes me wonder if everyone else hates me.
  • I'm apparently not as affectionate as she would be to him.
  • I also don't know him as well as this person apparently, seems a grass is greener view there.

Am I being silly to be crying and upset? I really need someone to be objective, I don't want to phone my mum as I know she won't be! Is this an emotional affair? I feel like everything I was/am doing is not good enough and that I'm being run-down in these secret conversations.

Apologies for length

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 16/09/2014 13:38

I've never said LTB before, but I can't see there's any future for you with this arse. Your expectations are too far apart. He has killed the relationship already, IMO, whether he and the woman have or haven't DTD.

Original poster
polarpercy · 16/09/2014 13:40

Thank you optimist, a fair point, can I ask if you think I'm unreasonable in my expectations? I mean that as a serious non-sarcastic/snarky comment. My m-il has always belittled me when I've asked my husband for help and as I said I worry my mum is biased!

OP posts:
irulethisworld · 16/09/2014 13:43

Retweet the most incriminating messages for all to see.

Original poster
polarpercy · 16/09/2014 13:44

I would dearly love to, however I have anonymous twitter because of my job. I have, however, just copied all of the screenshots to my laptop and deleted the evidence from the kindle.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 13:44

"woman had tried it on physically with her husband"

Please don't fall into the trap of making this the OW's responsibility. Your DH has said very clearly, by the sound of it, that he favours a marriage where he's free to screw around. He makes you out to be abnormal for rejecting the idea when you're not.

So he's gone looking and, if it wasn't this woman, it would be someone else.

EBearhug · 16/09/2014 13:44

No, you don't sound pathetic, just that you're realising there hasn't been an equal balance in the relationship in making compromises and giving support and doing the work of running a home.

Being poly shouldn't be about having affairs and dishonesty. It needs a lot more honesty and trust to work and is probably harder work than traditional relationships, as there are more people's needs to balance. That includes yours - he can't just decide to be poly while married to you, if you're not on board with it. It either needs to be something you're both fully part of, or neither of you are, or you go your separate ways.

It's neither unreasonable nor controlling to want him to do his share of parenting and maintaining the family home, it's just normal. Having children means he can't go out as much - children need caring for, you need a break, and you should also have the chance to go out, to meet new people. It sounds like he just wants a servant and sex and needs to grow up - you definitely need to talk, but work out what you want and need first, and what you are willing to make adjustments on (which shouldn't be just from you), and also where you draw lines which can't be crossed.

Twinklestein · 16/09/2014 13:45

Surely you must know your expectations are reasonable? Of course your husband should be pulling his weight.

He sounds ghastly on all fronts OP and Ms Poly is doing you a favour. I would let them go and fuck themselves silly with as many extra bottoms as they like.

Original poster
polarpercy · 16/09/2014 13:46

In the past I have been too slow or stupid. He was once using DM on twitter to converse explicitly with a woman, and another time with some sort of porn-account(?) I caught him after he left the blinking phone with the conversation open in my bag. Before I could do anything he had deleted the evidence. I saw it as we were in car and had just pulled up, which is why I had my bag out looking for parking money. I read it out loud and he snatched phone and deleted before I could do anything.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 16/09/2014 13:49

The more you say about him, the more he sounds like a complete arse. Is there anything good about the relationship?

Original poster
polarpercy · 16/09/2014 13:50

Cogito fair point, I know. I made my vows to him. What I was trying to say and did so very badly is that this woman literally forced herself onto this other colleague. That sounds bizarre, but she sat herself on him and was trying to run her hands over him, he was pushing her away.

twinklestein thank you as well. I think I knew I wasn't unreasonable but you come to doubt yourself. He has spent the whole of our marriage doing less, with his mum in the background nagging me about the 'quality of my cleaning, ironing, cooking etc'. Now we have a child I guess I'm just more tired at doing everything.

Ebear thank you, he's always mocked me when we've been out with this group of his colleagues for not being 'cool' with the poly thing. I really can't do it.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 13:52

You don't need 'evidence' if you've seen it with your own eyes. He's a player. He's told you he's a player. He was a player with his exW. You could throw a stone at random and hit a more decent example of humanity than this guy.

Do you see any future in this relationship?

Original poster
polarpercy · 16/09/2014 13:52

Ebear he always made out it was my fault for not liking porn. I sound so pathetic typing that. I'm really not cool with porn, and I'm not criticizing women/men who are.

I don't feel good about myself; I'm not particularly attractive. I'm not after compliments when I say that I'm just honest, I'm one of lifes plain-janes.I'm still carrying baby-weight and when he is looking at women in porn who are literally my opposite (you know tall, thin, tanned, blonde) and I'm short,dumpy and plain then I feel I'm not enough.

OP posts:
airforsharon · 16/09/2014 14:03

OP it wouldn't matter if you were batshit bonkers with sky-high unrealistic expectations of him/your marriage. If he had a problem with any of that, he should be sorting it out with you, not having sex with anyone else via an electronic device (such class!), insulting you and tolerating anyone else insulting you.

He is responsible for his actions, and they're the actions of a self-centred shit.

FelicityGubbins · 16/09/2014 14:04

It's not about whether you are enough for him, it's about whether he is enough for you and I doubt very much that this half brained,disrespectful, fuckshit of a man is. Send him packing to Mrs Poly and he can be one of many for her, and fuck all to you!

CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 14:05

How can you possibly feel good about yourself when you live with someone who openly doesn't like you, treats you with contempt and screws other women behind your back?

Who you are, what you look like and how you think should be a total delight to the person who claims to love you. Never apologise for being yourself.

Optimist1 · 16/09/2014 14:08

So sorry, OP - when I said your expectations are too far apart I meant that yours are at the faithful/loving end of the spectrum and his are at the randy/selfish end! And just to make sure I haven't been unclear again - he's the one entirely to blame! Flowers

EBearhug · 16/09/2014 14:09

He seems to only look at things from his perspective, with no consideration for differing views (particularly not yours, it seems.) It's perfectly valid not to want a poly relationship - many, many people don't, and it doesn't mean they're weird or repressed. It's also totally valid not to like porn, and that doesn't make you weird or repressed, either.

The fact that he ignores and belittles your feelings on these things is an issue though. As Cogito says, you know he's a player. If you're in a relationship, there should be mutual respect and consideration, and I can't see that here.

I bet you'd feel better about your looks and everything if you had more to smile about, too. I'm sure you're not as plain as you say - people rarely are (and perfection is actually quite dull) - but you need someone who believes in you, so you gain confidence and have something to smile about. At the moment, all you are getting is sneers and put-downs. That's a problem in them, not you.

Original poster
polarpercy · 16/09/2014 14:14

Thank you again, I know it must be coming across as contrite but I really am grateful. You've all given me a wake up call. I've felt fed-up for months and this might finally be the kick up the arse I need.

I think 'never apologise for being yourself' is good advice. One DM session between them was running down my upbringing as being the reason I am 'the way I am'. My dad (posted this the other day) spent my entire childhood telling me I was 'fat/thunder-thighs/chubby/ugly in that' and then telling me he had wanted my mum to have had a boy.

I think I just felt grateful that someone wanted to marry me. But now, I feel (and this has been building for months) that I would rather be alone than like this.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 14:17

It's very clear from your posts that your self-esteem is not high. I'm sorry you had such an unpleasant childhood that left you believing you were below-par. Being grateful someone looks your way is normal when you've been starved of affection but it also makes you vulnerable to mistreatment, such as what is going on here. You may think he's the best you can do but he really, really isn't. You're leagues above him and you deserve so much better.

AuntieStella · 16/09/2014 14:26

Don't worry about how you come across on here.

You've only just seen these messages, and of course there's turmoil. Especially as there is previous to think about.

She could indeed be every bit as bad as you describe, with come ons to all sorts of men (available or not) and it's OK to blame her for her role in this specific event. But doesn't lessen your H's responsibility on tiny bit and, even if you go through all sorts of thoughts on the way, it's a journey to decisions about him.

Original poster
polarpercy · 16/09/2014 14:31

Cogito you're right. I've always felt ugly and grateful for attention, which is how I guess I got here. I don't want to set that role model for my daughter though.

Auntie thank you, I know he is to blame, I made my vows to him not her. It just riles me that in one set of messages she is saying to him that I am hard-work and have no/few friends which is why I am obviously such a bitch to him. I am shy, I do have a nice group of friends who I made since having my daughter who treat me well. She invited us to her house and all the while she thought this and was messaging him this. I feel like a twat who wasn't in on the secret.

OP posts:
CogitoErgoSometimes · 16/09/2014 15:53

Anyone who has been cheated on & lied to will tell you that they felt like the twat who isn't in on the secret. The shame is not her badmouthing you. His shame is that he agreed... and lied to you... and is carrying on an affair behind your back... and accusing you publicly of being uptight because you happen to value fidelity... Disgusting

I do hope you get shot of this faithless misery before he can do any more damage to your confidence. Glad you're thinking about it from the perspective of your DD.

EBearhug · 16/09/2014 16:31

I would rather be alone than like this.

Keep this thought with you.

Original poster
polarpercy · 16/09/2014 18:27

Well you were right, the spineless little shit had got physical with her. Just thrown him out. Don't think he expected that. Looked like a rabbit in the headlights when I confronted him, I stayed calm.

OP posts:
magoria · 16/09/2014 18:31

Sorry to hear this.

At least you have had your worst fears confirmed. Now there is no calling you crazy/stupid etc.

Get yourself to a lawyer and find out what your rights are.

Get yourself to an STI clinic. This may not be the first or only time Sad

He is a vile nasty little man. You deserve better than that.