My difficult youth has caught up with me and is ruining every relationship I have

[KateeGee]

I don't know where to start really.

I guess I had a troubled childhood but always kind of plodded on with things. I am now 30 and various recent events have destroyed the facade and I have been in a bit of a breakdown since February. I feel like there is no point to existing. I am seeing a counsellor but an hour a week gets eaten up by me discussing minutiae of certain issues and I feel like I am avoiding talking about things. I don't want to open the floodgates. Whenever I talk about things I end up feeling worse. I don't even know why I am posting here. For ideas, or someone to tell me it will go away? I don't know.

I'm not even sure why I am posting this in Relationships really. I lurk/sometimes contribute here but have been reading a lot, some things have been really helpful for me. I guess all my troubles come from relationships and I feel like I have no one. I feel so lonely and like there is no point to my existence, I actually wish I could vanish.

I've been doing a lot of thinking recently and have come to the conclusion that I feel so unlikeable and lonely that I am desperate and do anything to be liked. And then I get shat on, and then feel even less likeable. I have no close friends - people don't seem to hate me but they don't like me either - I try hard to be nice, be reliable, be enthusiastic, have fun, but I just feel like I am on the periphery and no one actually chooses to be my friend. I get invited to things only if I am needed to make up numbers, because I am reliable. But otherwise I get dropped very easily. And I try to be thick skinned and philosophical about it, but when it happens all the time it really hurts. I try to not moan about it but privately I feel crushed. And I have no one to talk to because no one is close to me.

My mum is not the kind of mother I can have a heart to heart with, for various reasons. My dad is not around, he left the scene when I was a toddler.

I don't know why I am the way I am. I used to be quite confident and outgoing but gradually I have become painfully shy and self conscious. Things have happened over time, I have listed some below, but I have tried to get over them and move on, and I don't see why things that happened ten, twenty or more years ago should still affect me now. I am sensible and rational so should be able to move on, so I don't want to just put it down to the past. And even if it is because of the past, that doesn't help me get over it. I just want to know how I can live a life where I don't hate every fibre of my being, I am really struggling at the moment.

I was sexually abused by a cousin when I was young, under 10.i say abused but I don't remember protesting, and he was only about 18 months older than me, so I don't know if it was abuse or just a kid messing around. I just know I feel awful about it now. I know it's not my fault etc, but I just feel so crushed and ashamed about it.

I had a horrible emotionally abusive bully of a stepdad from the age of 11 to 17, I don't have the wherewithal to go into detail but he was a horrible person. There was finally one awful incident one Christmas and I basically told my mum she had to divorce him. Which she did.

I did ok at school and went to uni, I kind of got on with life but never made any close friends and always felt a bit on the sidelines. I lost my virginity (not counting the childhood sex incidents) when I was overseas at the age of 22. I always had an interest in sex, I wasn't scared of it or anything, but I didn't have much interest from men. I slept with a man who asked me out when I was overseas. In hindsight he kind of used me but I wasn't too fussed, I was moving back to England shortly after to finish my studies.

I was still wanting some kind of sexual attention and ended up on some chat websites. I was incredibly silly, looking back, but I just felt so lonely and sad that talking to people online was a distraction.

I eventually started chatting online to a much older guy, let's call him Mark, who I seemed to get on well with. I really felt we clicked. It then transpired he was in an unhappy marriage. I am not at all proud of myself, in fact I am ashamed of what I did, especially after reading this board at length for the last year or so. I was the other woman and I did an awful thing, I know that and nothing anyone says can make me feel worse about it. I would never do it now.

But I felt so low at the time I convinced myself it didn't matter, and we met for dinner. There was no pressure but we ended up going back to his hotel and sleeping together 3 times. So far, so seedy. He seemed really patient and kind to me and we got on. I made my boundaries clear, no unprotected sex etc. But the next morning we both woke up and he said he wanted me again, and we had sex again. I was so naive and inexperienced that I didn't realise he didn't put a condom on, I was horrified when I eventually realised what happened. There was no danger of pregnancy but there was all the rest. He apologised. We carried on the relationship, I carried on saying I didn't want unprotected sex, he carried on doing it anyway. I brought it up now and again but the response varied between "we've done it now, might as well carry on, I don't have any infections so it's fine" and "you need to be more assertive, you are in control, I won't do anything you don't want to". So I kind of gave up fighting about it. He was only the second person I ever slept with as a consenting adult and I didn't

Around the same time I saw another man who also pretty much made me have unprotected sex with him. It wasn't violent or anything, but I kept saying I didn't want to but he overpowered me and did it anyway. I was upset and it was painful and horrible. And then all of a sudden he turned really nasty, ignored me, said he didn't want to see me. I was upset but had to forget it and move on.

Mark then decided to dump me. I felt sad but I accepted it, I knew what we were doing was stupid and wrong, and I should move on. I did, I started seeing someone else, Joe, who lived a couple of hours away from me. I was really nervous as I still was so inexperienced even though I was nearly 24 at this stage. I had never had a proper boyfriend. But Joe was sweet, he knew about my affair and that I regretted it, but didn't make me feel bad about it. I liked him but my shyness was so crippling. Nonetheless he was patient and quite quickly we started a physical relationship. He pushed things quite far, he liked spanking me and things, but I never felt uncomfortable, and if I ever said I didn't want to do something he would stop straight away. I didn't hate it at all, it was the best sexual relationship I have ever had, but now when I think about it I feel like I am bad for having enjoyed it.

Mark contacted me and asked me how I was. I said I was bearing up ok, I respected his decision etc. He sensed I was sad, asked me why. So I ended up telling him all about the reasons I hate myself, including the things that happened to me when I was a girl. He is the only person I have ever told. He said this is the reason why he liked me, he felt he was destined to meet me to look after me and protect me and blah blah blah. Now I am not a stupid, needy, naive pre-MN 23 year old I realise I fell into a trap of a manipulator, but I did not see this at the time.

I told him about Joe, that it was early days but I met someone. He said it was good and he was happy for me, but then over a few weeks he started saying he felt really sad, he felt like I was cheating on him (!); eventually it got to one night when I was at Joe's house, and out of the blue Mark texts me to say he has told his wife about our affair. That weekend was awful, and ended up with Mark meeting me in Joe's town as I was about to get the train home. He said "I wanted to see you, if you said you didn't want to see me again I was going to kill myself", and showed me a couple of boxes of tablets. I was distraught and ended up taking him to see a doctor and stuff. Somehow our relationship resumed. He saw a counsellor and said he decided that I was the best thing in his life, so he was going to continue seeing me and telling me he loves me.

Every time I tried to cool it off he would come out with another breakdown. Every time I went to see Joe he would have a mini breakdown and say how it felt like something was stabbing him in the heart. After a couple of years Joe moved on, stopped contacting me without telling me he was done, and found someone younger and prettier and probably less stupid and shy than me; I can't blame him.

I never asked Mark to leave his wife or anything like that. He would sometimes say he wished he could find a way for us to work as a three. Writing this down I realise it is so ludicrous and I was so dumb to believe/make myself believe any of it. But I really liked Mark as a person, feel he understood me and was a good friend.

I saw various other people who I met online, I met and had one night stands with about ten different men in about 18 months. But they all did exactly the same thing - seemed to be keen, wanted to meet, were charming, slept with me and then ignored me. I know it was stupid to expect anything more, I know it was stupid to sleep with someone on the first meeting with them, I know I did everything wrong so kind of deserved what I got. But every single person, besides Joe and Mark, who has ever shown an interest in me, has lost that interest after having sex once. Which makes me feel utterly worthless. The sex was usually rubbish anyway, and the men not that great, but I just feel so unlikeable.

Mark did eventually leave his wife, I said I hope it's not because of me. He said no, the marriage had gone sour before I arrived on the scene and was doomed to fail anyway. So he was a free man, but I still didn't want to commit myself to him.

He would not openly say he didn't want me speaking to other men but if I did he'd make little comments about being hurt. I met a guy at work who I was not at all interested in, but went for dinner with just as friends, and Mark was furious about it. He'd try and manipulate me out of it by coming to pick me up even though it was well out of his way to do so. It caused such a horrible atmosphere and made me cry, and I ended up apologising about it.

He still ignored my requests about using contraception. Worse, one morning I was awake, he started to touch me but I said I didn't want to have sex, he carried on touching me. My legs were clamped together and he basically forced them apart and had sex with me anyway. I was quite shocked and not moving, he said he found it hard to have sex with me if I am not responsive. He finished, left for work and I burst into tears. I know this was wrong. I brought this up recently and he asked if I was accusing him of rape, I said no, he got really upset and said he is not a rapist, he would never hurt me, and then I ended up apologising again. I know this is really messed up. He acknowledges that this event happened, and he says his reason for carrying on is that he thought I was just tired. He knows that reason is not good enough. And the more I think about it the more devastated I am that he did this to me knowing all the other times I have been used for sex.

I had enough of his controlling behaviour when he looked through my phone and misunderstood some messages that he saw, I was furious at him invading my privacy and told him our relationship was over. This is when my breakdown started, I basically cried for 3 whole days about everything that I have cocked up in my life. He was there for me and said even though our relationship was over, he was still my best friend and would help me. He got the ball rolling with organising me to see a counsellor, took a day off work to sit with me while I cried and cried. So I am grateful to him for being my friend, and he really is my only friend. But he still longs to be my boyfriend/husband, even though I have told him that's not what I want. It makes it difficult because he still wants to hold my hand and touch me and kiss me, and I feel so guilty for saying no.

I feel torn because having read a lot recently I realise that my relationship with Mark was at best a bit controlling, and I should really ditch this person altogether, but I really do feel like he is my only friend. He is starting to respect my decision about not continuing our relationship, but he still laments what could have been which is draining. I am pretty sure we will not start a romantic/sexual relationship again.

But I have never felt so alone in my life. I am struggling to carry on.

This post is getting a bit long and nonsensical now, I think I will leave it there. I don't know what I am asking.

Hi again KateeGee

You are not not not ugly, or a failure or friendless. The negative script in your head is telling you that you are. That script has been written by years of painful experience and abuse and I dearsay you believe it to be true. My internal script always told me I was worthless and didn't deserve love and friendship. And I really did believe it- after all, how did someone pathetic like me with so many issues deserve anything kind at all?

The thing is, it's really not true. You are worthy and you can love and be loved. I know I sound a bit dippy hippy here but essentially my point is that we need to find a way of improving your self image and self esteem as this will bolster you through the difficult process of counselling.

It sounds like right now things are deteriorating quite acutely for you. I may be wrong here but I think what you are saying is that you are struggling to function with the basics such as going to work.

Have you been totally upfront with your counsellor about how hard things are currently? If your counsellor is fully aware of things, would they be willing to put in a call to your GP (with you there obviously) to outline the seriousness of the situation to your GP. This approach got me the help I needed when I was desperate.

Regarding work, do you have an occupational health department? They can be really helpful with things like stress risk assessment to help you cope at work or negotiating things like reduced hours or duties. I don't know if time off is an option (or indeed something you feel would help) but it might help you cope at this difficult time.

Keep talking and remember that we will help you through!

I think your emotions have been kept in a box for safe keeping for some time now; and I also think that the lid is coming undone (or we can go back to the wall if you prefer but the box works better for this analogy). Your emotions are starting to seep out of the box, but you're not quite able to work them all out yet, so they'll mostly manifest as either sadness or anger. Mine were all anger when it happened to me - I had no other feelings, just irritation and anger, all the time. :(

It is extremely clear that "Mark" does not love you. He wants you in his power, he wants control over you, he wants access to your body whenever he wants it but he does NOT care about you, or he would do none of the things that you describe. Someone who truly cares and loves someone else would never make them unhappy, would never blackmail or gaslight them, would never assault or force them into situations they don't want to be. That is so far from real love, it's ridiculous. If he truly believes that is love then he's seriously damaged too and needs his own therapy - but not from or with you. You do need to cut him loose and let him find his own way - if he chooses to work out his problems, good for him - but it's unlikely. He's getting what he wants already, so there's no incentive for him to change or want to change.

However, none of that is your problem - your only problem is how to tell him that it's over for good and you really have no interest in continuing to see him. Which is hard, because you have already said that you like his company and his friendship (even though he's no friend to you, not really) - so you have to learn yourself to do without him. He's your emotional jailer - once you get free of him, you'll be able to do so much more that is true to yourself. And you might find, with the counselling, that some of those boxed up emotions are allowed out to play, hopefully in a good way as well as a cathartic way.

I think you are both damaged - only he is damaging , I don't want to equate you both - and, for now, this is all you know and, you feel, all you have. I can see the attraction and what keeps you hooked in. You believe you're not worth loving or being given any respect, going on how your 'friends' treat you (which you have internalised and believe to be true NOT that they're pig ignorant. We choose some crap, crap people when we're functioning out of our damage).

That being the case - that you feel you are unloveable/unlikeable - makes it hard to be alone in the world. You think something is wrong with you (why are you constantly rejected? It must be you) - and there is something wrong with you; but it's not that you are inherently flawed, it's because you have been (are being) abused and you have been damaged by it, big parts if you aren't working. He says he loves you, and even though he's a dirty old rag, you think that's better than nothing.

Have a go at having some compassion for someone who has been so reduced by abuse that they would accept this. Yy the kneejerk response is shame - but don't go there, eh. It's not you who should be ashamed. He is using a gossimer web to tie you up tight - but, here's the killer, he's using your damage to do it. He knows what buttons to press.

So far so fucked up - but teems of people function like this, you aren't the only one (and neither is he). Back in the day there wasn't much you could have done about it, but now there is ample, and skilled, support on hand to address this stuff. You so aren't the only one to face this stuff and to have lived in a reduced way. I'm one - of hoards.

Hi KateeGee! Just wanted to encourage you to hold on to some hope of eventually sorting out your damaged inner self, and to express my deep concern and sympathy for your distress.
I too had quite similar beginnings and abuses in my early life. And my self-esteem was nil. I accepted any sort of inappropriate, abusive relationships (some of which I'm very ashamed of now) and felt isolated and suicidal.
Counselling over a long period was instrumental in turning my life around. So was keeping out of sexual relationships with men for a year or so and cultivating instead appropriate friendships and interests where I met like-minded people. This built up my confidence and self-worth.
You need to be less isolated socially and to have around you a supportive network of true friends (NOT manipulative controlling users/abusers!) That way you will heal and get strong. I came out on the other side a much more stable and 'complete' person. I've been very happily married now for several years to a kind, loving and respectful man. I hope you will be able to do that too. Keep looking ahead to a better life.

Thanks Everstrong. I am struggling to motivate myself to do anything but I am still keeping going. I still turn up to work even though I may not be 100% useful while I am there. I really struggle with basic things like keeping my bedroom tidy, finishing a task that I start. I am trying to cut myself some slack but I feel like my procrastination is not helping me. But I feel like it is important to keep going - I just want to stay in bed every day but I force myself not to.

We don't have a decent Occupational Health department at work, my boss always complains about how there is poor care for staff (she had some physical issues and was treated appallingly, both on a practical and emotional level, there was no support). Luckily for me, she is very supportive, as is her boss, and her boss' boss and the head of our section. We don't have official channels for this kind of thing but they are being sympathetic and I think will be willing to make adjustments for me if I need it. I don't want to start being relieved of duties and stuff though - it is basic stuff like admin that I am struggling with, it shouldn't be too taxing and I should be able to do it with my eyes closed and I feel like I am just being lazy to not do it. Sometimes I get a fit of motivation and get loads of stuff done and feel better for it. The company is always paying lip service about staff stress levels and stuff (there were shocking results in the staff survey about it), but they always say "we take this seriously" without actually doing anything. For me at the moment though, I feel like I should be able to carry on with my work as it is, I feel comfortable talking it through with my manager if there is anything bothering me.

I think things flow up and down quite a lot. I have days when I feel horrendous, the night I started this thread was one of them, after a particularly difficult weekend. But sometimes I feel kind of on top of things and want to tackle them. Generally I feel like I am drowning in everything but most of the time I keep it ticking over. I have felt a bit better today, for example (though am still avoiding work by being on MN )

I am reluctant to get my GP involved, she really is a horrible beast, as are most of the staff there. Even going in to reception to make an appointment makes me feel like crap, even the receptionists are rude and leave me feeling humiliated. I was going to write a complaint about an incident where I felt a nurse made an unnecessarily personal and borderline racist comment in an appointment with me, and complain about the general poor service, but I decided it wasn't' worth the effort. I don't even bother going there if I am ill now. I should really change GPs, I even printed off a form but it is one of many things that has fallen off my to-do list.

I will discuss how I am feeling with my counsellor and see what she says. I tell her whether I have had a good week/bad week (it's usually the same answer every week - so-so), but I haven't said about the times I feel absolute despair, as such.

Thumbwitch I do think he is damaged, and I don't think he is a 100% bad person (no one is), but I have had to learn that that should not be my problem. He has had some horrible things in his time, the major one was his first wife passing away very suddenly leaving him with two young children. I know that must have been a shock, I feel very sad that that happened to him and his family. But it doesn't mean I am obliged to make him happy. I even feel like he uses this to emotionally blackmail me, and I feel like such an awful person for saying it. He didn't tell me about his first wife until after we met and slept together, so it was almost like a trump card to hook me in. Whenever I tried to end our relationship he would go on about how he felt like he did when his wife died, and yet again he was being dealt a cruel blow and losing someone. And I finally had enough of this and asked him if he realised how it made me feel telling me he basically felt like I had died, just because I want to move on with my life...

So yes, he has some baggage. I wasn't attracted to him because of this, I have no desire to be a fixer and didn't when I met him - I had no expertise or anything to fix him, I just wanted to be his friend. He didn't have any help after his bereavement, the only time he had any sort of therapy was after the incident with Joe that I mentioned in my first post. And his conclusion from that was that I am the best thing since sliced bread and he needs to plough all his energy into me, so I am not convinced it worked.

I feel like I am being made to pay for things that have happened to him and also for his choices. When I told him our relationship was over for the last time, we had a big row, and he was asking what exactly did I want from life and a relationship, because I wasn't going to find it sleeping around with men who do not love me. I said I don't know what I want because I have not had a chance to find out, I don't know what will make me happy but I could not forsee happiness if I committed to a relationship with him. He asked me why, I felt it was too mean to say "because I feel like you are abusive", so I tried to make it not abut him. I said as an example, I don't even know if I want to have children, but if I stay with him I don't have a choice (he has 3 adult children and had a vasectomy many many years ago). Rather than accept that as a rational and valid reason, he said "thanks" sarcastically and was really hurt. And bam, I feel insanely guilty again. Then he said if I really want children he can get his operation reversed. Brilliant solution.

He sounds so horrible with all these things written down.
The more I realise it the more sad I feel. I want to have faith in him and think that even if we are not right as a couple we are still decent people. When we were in a relationship I think he thought it was all great and ticking along fine, because we loved each other apparently, but it's only because I was too scared to speak up about the things that made me feel like crap. Scared of what, I'm not sure (him telling me he it was like another bereavement, him threatening to kill himself...). Then when I did finally speak up, rather than accept my concerns he was always going on about being hurt that I feel that way, rather than being sorry for hurting me, so nothing was ever resolved.

I've been rejected so many times and just had to deal with it. I've tried to reject him kindly and it is failing.

Hi Hatespiders (I hate spiders too!). Thank you for sharing. I am glad to hear your counselling worked and you are happy now. I am cynical about whether or not my life will change but I am willing to give all this a go. Now I just need to meet some supportive people in the real world!

Seriously though, I am very grateful to all of you for your time and your thoughts. It's weird and lovely that strangers would put so much effort into helping someone they have no vested interest in. I came across MN by accident when looking for a recipe or something, but it is a goldmine.

He won't let you reject him, will he. He has you in a trap and he knows how to keep you there. Your guilt is his weapon and he uses it against you over and over and over again.

Sooooooo - best way to sort this out is to get rid of the guilt. Which you can do, via therapy. You don't have to wait until you've learnt how to get rid of the guilt to get rid of him, btw - dump him first, take the guilt on board and then work out that actually, you don't need it at all, it's not YOUR guilt, it's not YOUR fault!

One of the most useful things I ever learnt in NLP training was that no one can make you feel anything that you don't choose to (not actively choose, I'm not saying you're making an active choice to feel guilty, not at all, that's just a conditioned response that you have). But you CAN choose to change how you respond. You've had all those years of conditioning - FOG (fear, obligation, guilt) responses are common in the abused - and now you have the opportunity to find a way to change your responses, to lose the guilt, the feelings of obligation and the fear.
But this works both ways too - he is choosing to be hurt by your words (if he actually is, I still think he's just using it for control because he knows you'll feel guilty) AND he is choosing to hurt you. Maybe it's his conditioning, maybe it's not - but only HE can change it, and he has to want to. You cannot change his conditioning or his thoughts, or his responses.

But you can change yours. :)

katee others have been far more useful than I could ever be on your overall dreadful situation. I was thinking though re your horrible GP practice - you could get in touch with the Care Quality Commission about the inadequacies of the 'care' there. Not sure what the contact details are for the CQC but if you could give them the full run-down on your treatment, with names, dates, everything, they may end up facing inspection. And you'd be doing the other patients registered at the practice a favour by blowing the whistle.

If you don't feel comfortable going to your GP by the way (and I wouldn't really blame you for that) there are such things as walk in surgeries; you usually have to pay for them but then that might just be a worthwhile investment.

You can get this awful, abusive man out of your life. You'll be amazed how much better you will start to feel in a short time.,
Send him an email: 'I have decided that that I no longer want any contact with you. This is not up for discussion. If you make any attempt to contact me in future I will report your abuse of me, including the repeated rapes and sexual assaults, to the police.'

Honestly, the biggest part of your problem is this man's sustained abuse of you over several years. A great deal of supposed 'mental health issues' in women are actually perfectly healthy responses to being abused.

It really sounds like you need to find a new GP. It can be hard enough to pick up the phone and arrange appointments etc when you feel depressed, it's made even harder if the people who are supposed to be helping are putting barriers in the way by being rude and unsympathetic. You can have a look on NHS choices for patient reviews of the GP practices in your area which might be a good way of researching more friendly practices.

I must say I laughed when you said you were procrastinating! That's exactly the kind of thing I used to say pre-breakdown. My CPN put it to me like this: "if you had a broken arm, would you be telling yourself off for not doing all the housework/washing/whatever." I had to be honest and say of course I wouldn't! Her point was that when you are living with the psychological equivalent of a broken arm, you need to cut yourself some slack.

Another trap is doing waaaay too much on the days you feel good. I know you want to get as much done as you can when you feel good but it is counterproductive. I learnt the hard way after pushing myself particularly hard one Saturday to go a wedding and then spending 2 days in bed afterwards too exhausted to do anything! I now limit myself to 2 tasks a day. Some days that's get up and eat 3 decent meals. Other days it's doing a bit of housework and meeting a friend for coffee. And you know it really helps once you get past the initial I-am-lazy/a failure/stupid-because-I-am-not-doing-ten-things-at-once!

I hope I am not telling you stuff you already know or projecting too much of my own experience on to you. I just make a point of speaking out about my own issues and what helps because I've met so many other people who have suffered from similar problems but haven't been lucky enough to receive the help I have.

It's probably too early to tell if counselling will change your life. It can't change the past and in fact you may not need to "relive" abusive events in order to free yourself from what you are feeling. It sounds more like using the counselling to build strategies to stop you from being so vulnerable would help.

The technique which my counsellor has used to help me is called EMDR, (eye movement desensitisation and reprocessing) has really changed my life. It's a technique that is used to re-visit traumatic incidents and help the mind to process them. It's got a good evidence base for treating thing like post-traumatic stress (which is my diagnosis) and it effectively reduces the distress a particular event causes. I'm not going to go into detail here as I don't want to be triggering but there was a particular assault which had really stuck with me, on the scale of distress, it was giving me 10 out of 10. I was having recurrent nightmares and flashbacks of this particular incident and it was really having an adverse effect on me. We used the EMDR and it really got rid of the distress I felt. I can think objectively about that incident now and it doesn't upset me. It's more like an acknowledgement that the unpleasant thing happened and now I have moved on.

More than happy to talk more about it if it helps.

Be kind to yourself, give yourself a pat on the back for getting this far!

also - www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us
you can always get a sympathetic ear if you need to just get it all out
this won't last forever; you will feel better one day soon
treat yourself to something nice every day
keep in touch on here

So I had a chat with Mark. It was disastrous. Pretty sure that he now sees I will never be his girlfriend again. I thought he was getting it, but then my head hit the desk when he said "I hear you, we both fucked up". I questioned this and he said "yes, you said so yourself, you didn't put boundaries back in place when I first crossed them". Sigh. I then got confused and said I don't remember saying I fucked up specifically, he said sorry, he said that in haste and takes it back. I so want to believe that he is not entirely manipulative but he sure is putting some hurdles in my way.

I do not currently have the strength or willpower to cut him off completely. I am working on it. I can feel it coming. It won't solve everything though, he is a problem but my self esteem was non existent before we met.

So tired. Will catch up tomorrow.

Katee, it's going to be hard to get rid of him alone but you don't have to do it alone. Women's Aid will be able to help you, MN support will be there too, but he is going to continue trying to harm you until forced to go away. He is a bad person. Damaged or not, he is selfish and manipulative. He is hugely invested in forcing you into the role of helpless madwoman, because it feeds his ego to be THe ONe Who Understands. Only he doesn't understand. He's not interested in understanding you. He's interested in displayhing himself as the BIg Kind Hero who looks after his mental girlfriends. All shitloads of them. Because you won't be the only one who has this creep inserting himself into her life and wanking himself stupid over the fact that he is the WondefulKindHeroicMan who all of these women would fall to bits wiithout.

OK, you don't have the strength just yet, but you're getting there. :)

He's actually blaming you for his sexual assaults on you? Are you hearing this? OMG could he sink any lower! I'm outraged on your behalf.
He's gaslighting, talking you round in circles, preying on your feelings of guilt and confusion and probably sitting back and chuckling to himself that he's won again.

You need to get rid of him so you can work on your self esteem without someone dragging you down every time you think you've achieved something - which, make no mistake, is EXACTLY what he would do. He doesn't want you to get any self-esteem because then you'll be out of his power.

Keep on doing what you're doing, you'll get stronger and the will power will come x

This man seriously said the reason he raped you is because you failed to draw the boundaries ?

Please cut him out of your life. You will never gain any recovery while he is dripping that poison into your ear.

KateeGee, you are just starting to take your life back into your own hands. It will be hard and tiring but it will be worth it. Mark's a bad man, sweetie, and you can see that by the way he responds.
Sending you lots of strengthening thoughts. Remember, your future, without people being horrible to you, is worth the fight you're having to go through now.

"I so want to believe that he is not entirely manipulative..."

Why? Why do you want to believe the best of this rapist abuser? Why do you want to think he's actually an ok bloke? I'm so :( for you that you still are trying to see a good side to this abusive arsehole. :(

He has sent me an email which by way of explanation. It's all "I see why you see it is abuse, I am not sure why you didn't see it at the time and when I look back all I can see is that we loved eachother".

He said the time I said he had sex with me without a condom was not the first time we had unprotected sex, as we had unprotected oral sex the night before and I have clearly forgotten that. This is probably true and makes me feel like crap.

I just feel like I must have given out mixed signals, obviously. I feel so awful. None of this makes me want to be with him or anything, but it just makes me feel so awful about myself. I let all these things happen.

Ugh my first sentence does not make sense.

Katee stop engaging with him. Stop now. No more. I cannot emphasise this strongly enough

He means you harm and he is delivering it via the medium of your own self doubt

Listen to us, not your rapist.

Thumbwitch, I guess I will feel like less of a fool if he is a good man who did a bad thing, rather than a bad man who used me. I can't say every second we spent together was bad.

Well, yes, I suppose someone isn't their behaviour: two different things. He may not be 'a bad man' but his behaviour IS bad.

No wonder you're struggling - it is often the case that people start falling apart when caught in a bad dynamic like this. Abusers aren't bad all the time, or we wouldn't get hooked in. They usually see how far they can push it, how far they can exploit. It isn't necessarily conscious.

Perhaps instead if seeing things from his POV, see it from yours.

Ah Katee - I see. But listen lovely, you are not a fool - you are someone who was abused as a child, when you had no ability to stop it, or understanding of what was happening, and that abuse has messed with your ability to create appropriate boundaries. That was not your fault.
The dodgy relationships you had afterwards, including this one, are still not your fault, any more than a mouse is at fault when a cat catches it. The mouse isn't a fool either.

And he is continuing still to abuse and gaslight you - "I can see that you might see it as abuse but I see it as us loving one another" - uh, no. It WAS abuse/overstepping boundaries continually/sexual assault/abuse - it's there in law. That doesn't make you a fool either - but it does make him a law breaking abusive rapist who is trying to make you shoulder the blame for his actions.

HE is responsible for his actions. HIM and him alone.

Stop engaging with him - he's making you feel worse - again, not the action of someone who truly loves you. You will never get an acknowledgement of what he's done, not a real one; ditto you will never get a real apology, it will all be conditional with some nasty little rider that passes the blame back to you - which is not where it belongs, it belongs squarely with him.

(((hugs))) - I'm sure the ground is shifting under your feet quite a lot and you would rather go back to where you thought you knew things were - but that was mostly smoke and mirrors, not real reality, iyswim.

Sorry, that should read "abuse/overstepping boundaries continually/sexual assault/ rape"

I have done actually nothing today. I have just been reading all our emails from since we first met and I can see it's all so awful. It's like I was voluntarily blind.

But at the same time I did say that I was in love and all that shit. I did give in and do things that he wanted, and then sometimes I would suggest things because I was keen to please. I was a grown up.

I realised I started to question our relationship around the end of last year when he said he didn't like the way we had sex because I would always finish myself off and he didn't like that we didn't climax together. I only finished myself off for the last couple of years because we never did together, and when he was finished we were finished. And I tried to explain this in the nicest possible way, that I want to get some sexual satisfaction too, but then he was saying I did used to get it (I didn't), and if we try hard enough we can climax together, ergo I was not trying hard enough. And if I tried to question it further he would act all hurt but it was almost sulking, saying he felt inadequate and blah blah blah.

I started to wonder why am I feeling bad about speaking up about not being happy with my sex life.

I only realised how terrible my relationship was when my frustration about my sex life came to a head. and that makes me feel a bit ashamed. I only started to complain because I wanted better sex. I put up with all the other shit but only when I was told I was doing sex wrong did I start to get angry.