What is this?

[liondemer]

Backstory: My inlaws are nice enough people but overbearing in their adoration of my DD. They suffocate me and don't consider my feelings. However, I make an effort with them and we see them every 2 months despite them living 500 miles away.

I posted a couple of weeks ago about having an issue with my inlaws over Christmas. In short, DH and I had suggested a fair plan which they didn't feel fair and then complained about and then DH tried to change our plan. We had numerous arguments and the issue then went unresolved for about a week with neither of us being able to talk about it.

However today I decided things had to be sorted so sent DH an email to tell him exactly how I felt and when he got home he said we'd stick with the original plan. I felt really strange; finally DH had taken my side! And actually a bit guilty; I was being selfish and now getting my own way.

Then when we were having dinner DH suddenly announced that he's going to ask MIL to stay during the week when he's at work and I'm at home with DD. He said FIL and he think it's a great idea. I don't know what to think. I feel like this is punishment for him 'giving in' to me about Christmas. He knows I wouldn't like the idea of having her at home all week whilst he's at work. He forced me to say I wasn't happy about it and then said 'well my mother's coming to stay, like it or lump it, I don't care if you want her here or not'.

What is this? Why because spending Christmas with my family do we suddenly have to have MIL staying with DD and me? I suppose I am being unfair not wanting her here as she just wants to spend time with DD but I hate the way it's been sprung upon me. Maybe I'm just over thinking the whole thing; maybe it's normal that because MIL won't see DD over Christmas day I should accept she needs compensating.

Thanks for reading. Feeling a bit mixed up.

You managed to deal with the first issue, now use a similar approach again. Sit him down and remind him that you are a family and that you have the right to share in decisions. He does not have the right to "punish" you. He does not have the right to tell you to "lump it" and invite anyone to stay without finding out if it works for you.

Tell him that he is welcome to invite MIL as it's his home too, but you won't be there.

He sounds vile :(

Punishment indeed!

I agree with Feck although that would probably cause a lot more trouble. So I would be making a permanent split.

If he wants his mum there, then he needs to be off work. If he doesn't understand that, then go stay with your family or friends that week, and tell them both that they can lump it.

Is there more than this though OP, this can't be an isolated incident, it rarely is.

This is appalling.
He and his father should not be able to force this onto you.
No sex until he behaves properly? Leave him? I don't know, but something needs to be done. Try talking to him. Though tbh, with an attitude like his I think you'll be wasting your breath.

He says I always say 'no' when it comes to his parents and that I don't want them to have a relationship with dd. I admit I keep them at arm's length and I do have difficulties with mil because my own mum died and I find her 'I'm a grandmother' obsession overwhelming.

I think mil is upset because I'm going to see my sister for a week in the US between now and Christmas. And I will spend 5 days with her over Christmas. She wants time spent with my dd to be equal between my family and his. I think this is it. It hasn't been said. So in order to do so, she wants to come to stay. We're already going to theirs for a long weekend in October.

She also wants to look after dd so dh said when she comes I can go and do my own this whilst she looks after her. This isn't as bad as it seems - we live abroad with no family and I don't have a babysitter. He has had to come home to look after dd when I've had appointments apart from once when I left her with a friend and she cried for 2 hours. But still! I don't feel the need to leave dd with her and go swimming/shopping/whatever. I spoke to her on the phone yesterday and she kept saying how important it is for me to start going my own things and leaving dd with other people. I didn't realize she meant with her.

She has a misconception about the role of grandmother! I have (I think, I hope) an excellent relationship with my daughter and granddaughter but I know that the role of grandmother is peripheral. Mummy takes centre-stage. My dgd is nearly three and I have never had her to myself for my own satisfaction! When babysitting has been needed, I've done it.

There's absolutely no reason why you should absent yourself in order for your mil to take over with your child. That's not how it works!

I think people are saying for the OP to go stay somewhere with the child, not without..although that's what the MIL means, naturally.

I sympathise so much OP, when I was married my MIL was put on a pedestal by my ex, and your very scenario happened to me more than once.

In those days I thought I had no choice but to get on with it, as both my ex and my MIL used to bully me and call me awkward if I didn't do whatever it was they wanted.

These days (divorced and a much stronger person) my advice would be to tell him that if she wants to come stay, he has to take the time off work. Otherwise you and DD staying with your family for the duration of the stay.

If staying with family isnt an option then plan some days out with other mums, then hand DD to MIL when you arrive home to cook dinner for you all in peace.

I feel rubbish today. DH didn't even say bye to me this morning . He only spoke to me to tell me I had to learn how to take a temperature properly as he thought dd had a fever but I didn't.

I think I would have accepted MIL's visit of it had been suggested and not imposed. I feel trapped.

I'm going to think about what I'm ok with her doing. Like babysitting with DH whilst I go out and see my friends. That will stop DH from spending all night on his iPad whilst I make small talk with her. I can't go to my family, they are miles away. But I'll still do my own stuff with dd. I thought I was being really mean not wanting to go out and leave dd with mil, therefore depriving her of her quality time with her but it seems not.

working, it's horrid feeling your feelings come second best isn't it. I'm glad you're in a better place now.

Oh dear.
The more your write about your 'D'H the worse he sounds.
He sounds like a very controlling bully from here.
Sorry, but I think you have much bigger issues than this.
It's your DH who is the massive problem here.

Thanks for your input humble. I'm forever being made to feel as though I should be making myself scarce when mil is around, so she can look after dd. I thought that that was normal but it looks like it isn't.

You're right hells. I think I do have an issue with DH. Not sure how to solve it. He keeps making me feel like I'm being really unreasonable to his family. They're ok but they aren't my family.

When I spoke to mil yesterday she said 'oh not long until I see you all, I can't wait' and I said, 'yes end of October will come round soon enough'. I feel like the whole thing has been set up behind my back.

Why shouldn't both familes have equal visiting times?

sarcy, we see pils every two months. We see my family around every four to six months as they're further away. Mil is unhappy (I think) because she thinks it's unfair that my dsis gets to spend a whole week with dd when I visit her. Mil wants the same. But I'm seeing my sister for me. It's not about dd. We are so close and we are support for each other. I feel like mil wants to be the closest person to dd (after DH and me), she desperate to build a bond. I can understand that but DH facetimes with her several times a week so she can talk to dd and when we are with them, we see no other friends or family as mil wants to monopolize the time with dd.

Anyway that's not really the issue. The issue is about having her visit forced upon me.

Your DP sounds like an utter utter arse OP. I think he is your main problem, not your MIL.

How old is your dd?

Also you might want to remind him - and her - that she has had her 'baby days' when she had her own children. This is your precious time with your dd and the idea that she can force you out so she can do the parenting is, frankly, shit.

You are being treated horribly. Take your daughter and sod off for that week. Dh and his mother can 'lump it'.

Just re read and sod off sounds more aggressive than I meant, sorry! Just annoyed for you. Tell dh that if he's trying to create a rift between you and his mother he's going the right way about it.

Yes air my DH is the problem. He knows I wouldn't want to spend a week with mil but when fil 'helpfully' suggested it he said 'oh what a great idea'. And then told me I don't have a choice. I do feel that this has been done because we're sticking with a plan at Christmas which means we spend Christmas with my family. Dd is 6 months.

I wish I could go somewhere ladysusan. But that would cause so many (more) problems.

Your dd is only 6 months?? Oh ffs what is wrong with some people? If anyone - my mum, MIL, whoever, had tried to shoo me out of the way so they could effectively take over my dd at that age - and it sounds from your posts that that is what she wants to do - I would've raised merry hell and probably, when faced with their fait accompli about MILs visit, have done what LadySusan suggests and sod off for a week with dd in tow.

Stand up for yourself now OP, or this will just get worse.

Not sure if anyone's still reading this but need to write what DH has just said to me. I said 'good night' and he refused to answer. I asked him to answer me and he said I'm not worthy of being spoken to as I'm such a truly horrible person. He said that because I said I didn't want mil coming to stay I am awful person.

I'm wondering now am I really horrible? Was it really so insulting to tell him I don't want his mother to stay? He said he's the first one to encourage me to see my family (true) so he is truly disappointed in my attitude.

He said he was expecting a groveling apology from me today but as I didn't give one it just goes to show how horrible I am.

Dd was born in March. Pils came go stay in March and in may. We spent a week with them in August. We're seeing them for a long weekend in October and for 4 days over Christmas. Just couldn't believe that yet another visit was being arranged. Was it really so rude to say that it bothered me? I'm beginning to doubt myself.

You are not a horrible person. Please don't fall for that old bollocks. He is stonewalling you because you are not behaving yourself.

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Stonewalling

He's a horrible person. He should be bending over backwards to make you happy and he's being cruel and treating you with contempt. Why is he treating you like he despises you? You sound lovely. He's doing it to bully you into backing down.

Don't teach him that he is allowed to treat you like this. The more you let him the worse it will get.

Ps seriously you sound really nice.

Your DH sounds awful, bullying, controlling and nasty.

You have to learn to take a temperature correctly?!?!!!! Seriously?! He is treating you like a child and trying to undermine your self belief.

I recommend the freedom programme or the book "why does he do that?" By Lundy Bancroft.

It really is not ok for him to decide that his mother is coming to stay when he is out at work.