What is this?

[liondemer]

Backstory: My inlaws are nice enough people but overbearing in their adoration of my DD. They suffocate me and don't consider my feelings. However, I make an effort with them and we see them every 2 months despite them living 500 miles away.

I posted a couple of weeks ago about having an issue with my inlaws over Christmas. In short, DH and I had suggested a fair plan which they didn't feel fair and then complained about and then DH tried to change our plan. We had numerous arguments and the issue then went unresolved for about a week with neither of us being able to talk about it.

However today I decided things had to be sorted so sent DH an email to tell him exactly how I felt and when he got home he said we'd stick with the original plan. I felt really strange; finally DH had taken my side! And actually a bit guilty; I was being selfish and now getting my own way.

Then when we were having dinner DH suddenly announced that he's going to ask MIL to stay during the week when he's at work and I'm at home with DD. He said FIL and he think it's a great idea. I don't know what to think. I feel like this is punishment for him 'giving in' to me about Christmas. He knows I wouldn't like the idea of having her at home all week whilst he's at work. He forced me to say I wasn't happy about it and then said 'well my mother's coming to stay, like it or lump it, I don't care if you want her here or not'.

What is this? Why because spending Christmas with my family do we suddenly have to have MIL staying with DD and me? I suppose I am being unfair not wanting her here as she just wants to spend time with DD but I hate the way it's been sprung upon me. Maybe I'm just over thinking the whole thing; maybe it's normal that because MIL won't see DD over Christmas day I should accept she needs compensating.

Thanks for reading. Feeling a bit mixed up.

So, if they think you are a horrible person then you've got nothing to lose. Stand your ground. He is fucking with your head.

Do what phoebe suggested. Move it to a weekend. Then leave him and her and dd together. If she wants to see her grandchild, that should do it. He gets to feel the pain of her dull visit. Bingo!

There are some potential upsides to this situation.

You might not think you want any time to yourself. But that is likely to change in time and it is actually good for you to have some me-time, even if you only sit in a coffee shop with a book about abusive relationships. MIL suggesting you go off is theoretically nice. Take her up on it and enjoy it. Bonus that DH is left with her.

You might think MIL wants to monopolise DD. I really wouldn't worry. Your DD will always love you more.

Give MIL what she wants: time with her son and grandchild. Give DH what he deserves: a dull weekend with his DM. Give yourself something: a break and strengthen that backbone (you'll be needing it with a DH like him).

You could arrange the weekend visit with MIL as a "surprise" for DH because he is so "desperate" to see her. Mwah ha ha.

I don't know what I'm going to do. I was trying to think about a scenario where we could talk about the situation without him blowing up and saying horrible things. But if I try to talk he'll probably just say 'go away, I do not want to talk to you'. Which is what he always does when we argue and I try to talk.

I'm sure we need relationship counselling but he'd never agree to that. He doesn't understand that I go to see a psychologist. So he's hardly going to agree to see a counsellor.

I don't think the plan to arrange a surprise visit for mil over the weekend would work at all I'm afraid. But I will do something nice for me when she comes. Probably dinner with friends whilst she and DH stay in with dd.

I feel for you op - I had no say at all if H's parents wanted to come down and stay - she even stayed the first week I had dd which all through my pregnancy I had said that wanted a couple of weeks alone when I had her so that I could figure out what I was doing - when she was there that first week against my wishes I remember I had to wrestle dd out of her arms once to BF her which mil wasn't happy about.

And of course H was always safely out at work.

I'm not saying yours is as bad as mine, and I am mindful at how vulnerable you are right now as a new mum but try and stand your ground and tell him that he is treating you horribly over this and ask is this bad treatment now to be expected throughout your marriage?

So in order to avoid being ignored on insulted you're just going to do as your told?

Obviously it is up to you. And if it's not thatbig of a deal then that is great. And lovely for your MIL.

However I think you need to read that book and sit down with your OH and explain how the way he handled the situation made you feel.

A loving partner would listen, possibly apologise and let you know that he will do things differently next time to respect your feelings. Not insult you.

I hope you're ok OP. This is a rubbish thing to be going through, let alone with a 6 month old and unsupportive partner.

Just make sure you don't doubt yourself as a mother. Whilst it is genuinely lovely that your MIL wants a close relationship with her daughter. You are her mother so you decide what's best for her and whether you want to be away from her.

Is anyone in this scenario from Africa? Your DH?

Sorry harp on about cultural differences but as I said, I recognise elements of this behaviour.

Maybe PM me.

Good luck OP. I feel for you.

I just need to point out here that a "Darling Husband" does not tell his wife she's a horrible person. He doesn't even think it. We have enemies to despise us; no need for our so-called friends to help with that.

Would your own family have you & DD for an extended stay, by any chance? Are you legally allowed to leave without his permission?

I really don't think I have a choice in the matter ilove. Unless I decide to move out. Which I'm not ready to decide about at the moment.

I'm thinking about going to stay with my dad for a few days to think about things. And I know I have to talk to DH and get him to understand how awful his words are. And that he can't just tell me what to do. I'll try doing some reading, need to order that book.

'well my mother's coming to stay, like it or lump it, I don't care if you want her here or not'

1. like it
2. lump it
3. there is actually another way, OP, as you are just starting to see. This is no way to live your life and no way to raise a child. I am sure that, one day, you will be ready to leave (or ask him to) as that is the only way this relationship is heading. You just cannot live like this for long, it will ground you down. Get out while you are still strong enough x

This will happen again and again if you don't put a stop to it now.

This will continue for the next 18 years+

Is this how you want to spend those years? Being told what a vile person you are and to do as you are told?

Go away with your DD for the week. Don't tell him you are going. Pack your bags and leave the morning MIL is due to visit.

'I really don't think I have a choice in the matter'

There is not one thing right about this sentence. You don't have a choice in how your own life is run?

I'm not disagreeing that your husband has been really unkind, and I sympathise a lot that you don't want your MIL to stay. Personally I really struggle with my FIL so do know how that feels. But I can't help wondering if this has got really over complicated and over emotional for both of you.

Walk a mile in your husband's shoes, he loves his Mum (that's normal, right?) and though his first priority is to you as his wife she's still his Mum and, rightly or wrongly, he sounds like he's really caught in the middle here. He backed you re Christmas, he's listening to you, (and maybe he would have liked to spend it with his parents, no idea, but they're his parents, it'd be understandable). Maybe he didn't think it was such a bad idea for them to visit in Oct, maybe he just didn't know how/ think to say "no" when he got a sudden request , but it doesn't strike me as the most terrible thing to have said yes to. He can't do right for either of you, though it sounds like he is trying to find a middle ground (an Oct visit sounds like some kind of compromise suggestion from your FIL, perhaps he's been having fun dealing with your MIL) no wonder your husband is frustrated and lashing out - I'm not excusing what he's said AT ALL, I can just see how he might have got there.

Sounds like your MIL is a bit over bearing, but you're playing a part in the story too, you say yourself you keep her at arms length and have difficulties with her because your own Mum died, so do you need to think about that and is there anything you could work on and not pin it all at her door? I don't agree that your DH should be "bending over backwards for you" OP, there's two people in the relationship, they both count.

Sounds like you're doing the right thing working out how best to make the visit work. Can your husband take at least some time off? Can you have some activities that are still just for you and DD so you're not with MIL all the time? Can you set ground rules for the evening so DH is with his Mum and not you just making small talk, that does sound painful. Would you be able to have some time out just DH and you if you are happy for MIL to babysit? Is there anything MIL is good at that would genuinely be a real help - cooking, cleaning, ironing, gardening? Sounds like she's keen so how can you get her doing something that really would be useful for you? You don't have to leave her with DD if you don't want to, that should be absolutely your choice. What else could she do instead?

And for your DH, sounds like you both need to come out of the mutual "you're completely in the wrong" trenches. Your DD is only 6 months old, it's a really exhausting time, if your MIL really is one from hell (rather than a bit overbearing) you need to find a way for that not to drive a wedge between you and DH. And remember, you'll probably be a MIL one day too, it seems like a really hard role to get right, particularly with a DIL so bear that in mind. She probably has no idea, and would probably be mortified, to know that's how she's coming across. Good luck.
M

Wintergirl, you have really valid points. I think that emotions have been running high on both sides.

We had a talk last night. He told me he saw red that I could dare to say I didn't see why MIL had to visit again. He said he would never dream of saying that about my family. I said that he should have asked and explained the situation: MIL felt upset about Christmas so he and FIL thought it would be nice for her to come for a few days and see DD, would that be OK with me? If he had said that, I am sure I would never have reacted the way I did. But he had to tell me and imply I had no say or input or choice in the matter. Although when I said this to him, he said I was being conniving. He said that the crux of the matter was that I had said that her visit bothered me, not the way that it was suggested to (imposed on) me.

However he has a point, and to agree with you winter I do think he must feel stuck in the middle. MIL wants to see DD as much as possible and I want to see her as little as possible and he knows that. Before I get a flaming for this, I would never stop her from seeing DD. I think like for a lot of people, inlaw visits are a necessary pain, but a 3 day (minimum) visit every 2 months is manageable. And I know that I need to try to work on these feelings and I am talking to my therapist about that. It's not nice for me feeling anxious and uncomfortable every time we see PILs. They aren't going anywhere so for my sake as much as anyone's, it would be nicer if I felt more comfortable around them.

However, there was no need for this issue to turn out like it did. I told him that he couldn't talk just tell me what I'm doing or talk to me like he did on Tuesday night. I said I was sick of being told to fuck off, that I'm useless (that's another thread) and that I'm a horrible person. I said I don't want DD growing up thinking it's OK for men to talk to women like that.

But he refused to apologise. He just said 'I see what you mean'.

There is a lot of work to be done on this relationship. I don't know where it will end up.

And thanks again for everyone's replies.

I'm glad you were able to stand up for yourself.

Is the trip cancelled then?

I don't think you will get flamed.

You are seeing a lot of your MIL. Lots of people don't see that much of their own much loved parents. Even compared to if you lived very local, you might find you are seeing more of her in terms of hours than is normal.

No coughle, the trip is not cancelled. She is still coming. I'm going to try to look on it positively.

His unsaid words speak volumes.

I see what you mean but I am right and you are wrong therefore I will not apologise

This is not how I would live my life

So you have spoken to him about how he treats you. He hasn't apologised and he is getting his way and the only thing that is changed is that you are now looking on it positively.

He's an incredibly lucky man.

I'm so sorry for you OP. I would just keep in mind that the relationship that you have with your OP is the role model that your dc will follow.

I wish you luck and strength.

Really sorry OP but come on! Do you invite your family and bugger off and leave him to entertain them?

No, and you wouldn't dream of ever suggesting it!

And now you toe the line, and he gets his own way with you having to be positive about it. Yippee...for him at least.

liondemer - to put it bluntly your marriage sounds awful and your in-laws just as bad. The whole atmosphere is controlling and smothering. I would venture to say this is already abusive but it's early days yet and I have a horrible feeling that you're just tasting the starters.

he said I'm not worthy of being spoken to
and
I know I have to talk to DH and get him to understand how awful his words are. And that he can't just tell me what to do.
Do you hear the warning sirens? The first is a despicable declaration of how he sees the pecking order in this relationship. The second - well, he thinks he can do just that. And he will. More and more.

I know you're going to look at the imposition of mil positively and I feel a bit yuk that I'm not sharing that with you, but this kind of control only ever escalates. You are being shown that the last word/action will be had by others and that for every time you make a stand for your own feelings/opinions/needs there is a price to pay. Once you pay the first price, it will be higher next time.

I said I was sick of being told to fuck off, that I'm useless (that's another thread) and that I'm a horrible person. I said I don't want DD growing up thinking it's OK for men to talk to women like that.

But he refused to apologise. He just said 'I see what you mean'.

Honestly OP? I really don't think he likes you very much.

I do think that he finds you convenient but he obviously does not respect or love you.

But what I can't fathom out, is that you seem to be ok with this. Don't you mind

He hasn't apologized because he thinks that it was said in the heat of the moment, he didn't really mean it and it should just be forgotten. And he thinks that what I said regarding his mother was worse.

Of course I'm not ok with if fairenuff. But when you've been with someone for ten years who, 90% of the time is loving and charming, it's hard to see things black and white.

So by his logic then you can have themmother of all rows, tear strips off him and say abhorrent things to him and because it's the heat of the moment and you don't really mean it you never have to apologise. Would he accept this behaviour from you? Genuine question

OP.