What is this?

[liondemer]

Backstory: My inlaws are nice enough people but overbearing in their adoration of my DD. They suffocate me and don't consider my feelings. However, I make an effort with them and we see them every 2 months despite them living 500 miles away.

I posted a couple of weeks ago about having an issue with my inlaws over Christmas. In short, DH and I had suggested a fair plan which they didn't feel fair and then complained about and then DH tried to change our plan. We had numerous arguments and the issue then went unresolved for about a week with neither of us being able to talk about it.

However today I decided things had to be sorted so sent DH an email to tell him exactly how I felt and when he got home he said we'd stick with the original plan. I felt really strange; finally DH had taken my side! And actually a bit guilty; I was being selfish and now getting my own way.

Then when we were having dinner DH suddenly announced that he's going to ask MIL to stay during the week when he's at work and I'm at home with DD. He said FIL and he think it's a great idea. I don't know what to think. I feel like this is punishment for him 'giving in' to me about Christmas. He knows I wouldn't like the idea of having her at home all week whilst he's at work. He forced me to say I wasn't happy about it and then said 'well my mother's coming to stay, like it or lump it, I don't care if you want her here or not'.

What is this? Why because spending Christmas with my family do we suddenly have to have MIL staying with DD and me? I suppose I am being unfair not wanting her here as she just wants to spend time with DD but I hate the way it's been sprung upon me. Maybe I'm just over thinking the whole thing; maybe it's normal that because MIL won't see DD over Christmas day I should accept she needs compensating.

Thanks for reading. Feeling a bit mixed up.

Thanks both. That's interesting reading ribena. Don't really know where I see this going.

Surely it wasn't so awful to say 'yes I do mind she's coming'? He pushed for it too. He announced she was coming, I looked shocked so he said 'oh, you look annoyed, do you mind she's coming?'. I stayed silent (thinking if what to say) and he said 'no answer means you do but I'll ask you again, do you mind?'. So I said 'yes, we're already going to see them in October I don't see the necessity of another visit, especially when you will be at work'. And apparently that was just unspeakably rude.

Your "D"H is the horrible person here.
Starting investigating how you could get free.

Your h is prioritising his mother's feelings above yours. Way above yours.

Not acceptable and needs to be sorted now. If he can't understand that he is in the wrong and that you are being reasonable then he is unlikely ever to change. Do you want a lifetime of this?

He sounds horribly disrespectful. Who does he think he is making decisions for you and your life and punishing you if you don't tow the line.

Let him know calmly that it's not convenient for you to have MIL over whilst he is at work. You will see them in October as agreed and next time he decides to make a decision on your behalf run it by him.

How would he feel if you did this to him? And the idea of making you spend time away from your 6 month old at their request and not yours is ridiculous.

This sounds like a much bigger problem. Stand your ground. You are not being in the slightest unreasonable, he is. Don't let him use any of his bullying controlling tactics to make you think otherwise.

Sorry. Run it by you not him.

I agree that there is a much bigger issue here than seeing too much of you pils.

The real problem is your disrespectful controlling h.

Has he always tried to control you?

He has absolutely no right to invite someone to stay in your home without your agreement, even less so to tell you to lump it.

I would speak to him about this and if he refuses to see any wrong in his actions then you gave serious problems.

He is basically telling you what to do and overriding your feelings. He has no right to do this.

If this continues you will begin to think it is normal and gradually your h will be telling you what to do and think.

If you then disagree you will be told that you are wrong. Your h will then insist on telling you again exactly what you think and what is going to happen until eventually you will be so worn down that you will agree with him just to keep the peace.

Sorry this is happening to you.

He's always been very aggressive with words. He's always been quick to fly off the handle.

I think he is controlling and manipulative but maybe I'm wrong... I said to him last night that i didn't like the way he seemed to have agreed to my plan for Christmas and then suddenly announced that his mother was coming to stay without discussion. I said her visiting concerned me and he should discuss it with me first.

He said that's it's a one way street with me. He said he told me to go to the US to see my sister. He told my dad and his partner to come to visit (they aren't but it was suggested). So he said I was the controlling, sneaky, manipulative one because I get what I want but tell him I don't want his mother to come (which is an insult to him).

I told him that I'd discussed everything with him first. I asked him time and time again if he minded that I take dd to the US for a week. But now I'm thinking; do I get everything my own way? I really don't have that impression, I feel like DH has the final word even though that final word is in my favour sometimes.

Not sure if I'm making sense. Feeling very hurt after last night but I can't stop thinking that maybe I am deluded and I am totally unreasonable when it comes to his parents. As I said I do keep mil at arm's length because I find her obsession with dd (we talk of nothing else, when dd is there I'm totally ignored etc.) overwhelming. And that's also because my mum died. Which I know isn't her fault but it's how I feel.

Oh I feel like everything is such a mess.

Thanks for everyone's support and replies.

Controlling and manipulative people are clever and have a way of making you think things are your fault. I can't speak for the rest of your relationship but in this instance you are most definitely not being unreasonable.

If he wants his mother to come so much then he can have her when he is there to entertain her. Simple

Controlling bullies are known to up the anti when you have children as they have a habit of showing their real selves when they feel more comfortable that you're lesslikely to leave.

I highly suggest that you do some reading up on emotional abuse. In particular Lundy Bancrofts book 'Why does he do that?'

Nobody gets do decide how you live your life. Marriage does obviously include compromise but that is not what is happening here. He is just telling you what to do and punishing you for not doing what he wants.

I know he's making you confused but would you do the same the other way round. No! Because it's unreasonable.

A loving partner to a mother with a new baby who said they felt uncomfortable with a situation would do what they could to help, not punish you for not doing what they want.

I'm really sorry you're going through this.

Hopefully Cogito will find this thread. She has a habit of saying this clearly in situations like this.

If he wants his mother to come so much then he can have her when he is there to entertain her. Simple

Just that really. If he wants his mum to come for a week, he has to be the one that's there to entertain her. He can't just announce that she's coming and it's your job to look after her!! NO WAY!

Thanks ilove, I will have a look for that book.

When he's in a good mood he's charming, caring and affectionate. He was a great support to me when my mum died and he is a great dad. But once something is said or done that he deems unreasonable it's impossible to talk with him.

I would feel really upset if my husband tried to stop my mother from visiting. It does sound like there are other issues as well, but the crux of the matter is she is his mother and it is his home as well as yours. For that I feel you are being unfair.

However, I don't see why you should be the one to entertain her while she us here. He needs to sort that out.

And yes, I am ignoring all the extraneous stuff and just focusing on the op.

I think oak if he'd said 'oh, I've been talking to mum and she really wants to visit again. What do you think if she comes for a weekend or for a few days in the week? I know we're seeing them in October but I'd really like to see her.' I think I may have said 'oh another visit! We're already seeing them in October!'. But ultimately would have been ok with it, especially if it had been about him and not her. He much prefers his mum to come in the week when he's out at work. He would never admit it to me but he finds her boring (I've known him for 10 years, I can tell what he thinks). He's happy to chat with her in small doses but that's all. When we go to their house he sleeps in all morning then plays video games with his younger brother. I'm the one who sits and talks to pils.

It's not like when I see my sister or my dad. That's quality time for me. And when my mum was alive she'd come and visit me, we'd do things together and have fun.

Not that it really matters, as the issue is that your DH is being unreasonably unfair, but how many weeks have you spent with your family since your DD was born?

It seems to me that you've spent plenty of time with the inlaws. Why is your MIL moaning about you spending a week with your sister when you just spent a week with them in August?

When you live with someone, you don't expect to be banned from having your family round. But what reasonable people do is discuss it with the person they live with- they don't unilaterally decide and then 'inform' them.

Your DH sounds rather unpleasant, tbh. Not to mention abominably rude.

Your DH is as much a problem, if not more so, than his overbearing mother is. He is very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing.
You're being bullied here by these two and they want you to put up and shut up.

I would seriously consider whether it is actually worth staying within this marriage because he will not change.

I can see why you say no when it comes to his parents because his parents are indeed overbearing and suffocate you. They are certainly not nice at all and will also do their own lot of harm to your DD by putting her on a pedestal.

And it is certainly not your job to cater to his mother when she visits whilst he is at work. Am sure as well that both your DH and his dad thought that to be a fine idea!!!.

No, no and no again.

You know, the more I think about this, the crosser I feel on your behalf.

So he finds his mother boring and doesn't want to spend too much time with her- but expects you to? Why?

I'll tell you why. This way, he gets to earn 'Good Son' points, whilst simultaneously being able to blame you for 'being difficult' if you say no. Guaranteed he says to his parents 'Oh I'd love you to come round more, but liondemer says no.'

Dig deep and stand firm. Neither your DH nor his family have the right to dictate to you how you spend your time. You are NOT unreasonable, they are.

I do agree that your DH is being quite controlling and nasty and handling this badly but I can also see his point.
So MIL adores your dd? Surely this is a good thing? I love the close bond that my dc have with their grandparents. A child deserves to be surrounded by people who love and cherish them don't they? It won't lessen your love for dd and of course nobody can love her like you do but children aren't property - they are individuals who are part of a family.
I get why you keep MIL at arms length and I'm so sorry for your loss but it is not right to push MIL away from your dd because it makes you feel your own loss more.
Have you had any counselling since you lost your mum? If not then that maybe something to think about.
Before the flaming starts I am NOT having a go at the OP. I can just see both sides if the situation.

No flaming. You have a point but I don't think the OP is trying to stop MIL seeing dc. I think it's more the issue that she has been TOLD that she must entertain her MIL for a week without her OH. Seperate issues I think.

OP if you don't mind me asking, are there any cultural factors at play here? Reading your posts is reminding me of my own background (so I am not being offensive) - but is this part of the issue?

I still think your DH is being horrendous by the way.

The OP has said she keeps her at arms length, seems pretty clear to me. She may not be your family but she's your daughter's family so you have to try. I'm sorry but I can see why your husband is upset, if you have an issue with her being overbearing have it out with her, but if you carry on avoiding her your husband is going to get more and more upset. When you have a grandchild won't you want to see them more than a few times a year?

My in laws live a similar distance away and we see each other every 2-3 moths either at theirs for the weekend or ours for a long weekend (Thur pm -tues am). When I worked I didn't mind them coming during the week but now I'm at home I'm buggered if I'm entertaining DH's parents all week & he barely sees them so they come over a weekend.

I'd call her up & rearrange the visit to a weekend ("DH will be so upset that he'll barely see you & I know he'd rather spend time with you ) then TELL your 'D'H you've rearranged it for when he's home so he can have some quality time with her & DC. And then book a hair appointment & make yourself scarce one morning so they can bond .

Please please don't let him dictate your life

mariposa I do try, very hard. When I say I keep her at arm's length I mean I don't call her every week to chat about dd or send her hundreds of photos.

Mil said she wants to see dd every two months which I am fine with. I'm not saying they can only see her a couple of times a year.

My issue about this extra visit being forced upon me without even asking me when it would be a good time for me. It's to punish me for having my plan accepted over Christmas. And because I said I didn't like it (probably because of the way it was thrust upon me) I got told I am a horrible person and to go fuck myself.

mrs, yes we're from different countries.

I understand OP. What are you going to do?

Urgh this is a horrible situation for you OP. If it were me I'd be telling MIL she's welcome to come but I have plans with DD and friends so won't be there. DH didn't check if I was free. But I'd also be telling him in no uncertain terms that any more of these stunts and he'd be living a single life.

phoebe has a good plan ^^ rearrange it with MIL yourself so he is there and you can do something for yourself if you want to

Btw anyone who told me what he said on your last line would no longer be in my life.