What is this?

[liondemer]

Backstory: My inlaws are nice enough people but overbearing in their adoration of my DD. They suffocate me and don't consider my feelings. However, I make an effort with them and we see them every 2 months despite them living 500 miles away.

I posted a couple of weeks ago about having an issue with my inlaws over Christmas. In short, DH and I had suggested a fair plan which they didn't feel fair and then complained about and then DH tried to change our plan. We had numerous arguments and the issue then went unresolved for about a week with neither of us being able to talk about it.

However today I decided things had to be sorted so sent DH an email to tell him exactly how I felt and when he got home he said we'd stick with the original plan. I felt really strange; finally DH had taken my side! And actually a bit guilty; I was being selfish and now getting my own way.

Then when we were having dinner DH suddenly announced that he's going to ask MIL to stay during the week when he's at work and I'm at home with DD. He said FIL and he think it's a great idea. I don't know what to think. I feel like this is punishment for him 'giving in' to me about Christmas. He knows I wouldn't like the idea of having her at home all week whilst he's at work. He forced me to say I wasn't happy about it and then said 'well my mother's coming to stay, like it or lump it, I don't care if you want her here or not'.

What is this? Why because spending Christmas with my family do we suddenly have to have MIL staying with DD and me? I suppose I am being unfair not wanting her here as she just wants to spend time with DD but I hate the way it's been sprung upon me. Maybe I'm just over thinking the whole thing; maybe it's normal that because MIL won't see DD over Christmas day I should accept she needs compensating.

Thanks for reading. Feeling a bit mixed up.

90% of the time is loving and charming

Another poster came up with a great illustration for this: Imagine DP makes you the most perfect coffee, exactly as you like it. Nice, huh? But he has stirred a teaspoon of shit into it.
Is the coffee still a lovely, kind, thoughtful act?
Do you drink it, because it's 90% lovely?

Your marriage is like the coffee that's 10% poo.
What proportion of poo will you accept? 30%, 50%, 80%?

Fair point Garlic. I don't know. It's so easy to dismiss his bad behaviour when he's being lovely. But I know the bad behaviour will return at some point. He still maintains that I insulted his family which is the biggest sin in his eyes. So I deserved to be spoken to like that; because he was so outraged and shocked by my attitude. I understand that that is wrong. He could have expressed disappointment, upset, sadness but he had no right to talk to me like he did.

Yesterday he did things that I recognised were ways of him trying to make amends. He was being extra nice. But I know I still need an apology.

He also told me he'd spoken to his father and said that MIL could come for 1 or 2 nights. I did question why he wasn't speaking to his mother about this -apparently it was FIL's idea and he didn't want to get MIL's hopes up before it was arranged . Anyway, it now turns out that I have to attend an event for 2 days the week after next, on Monday and Tuesday. I have no way of getting out of the event so we decided that MIL could arrive on Sunday and leave on Tuesday lunchtime. I will hardly see her and I now have childcare for DD, which I didn't before. I'm dreading leaving DD all day - she's never been left for more than a couple of hours. But I suppose this solution works for everyone. DH sees his mum on Sunday. Monday I am out and she will be delighted to look after DD. Tuesday I am out and she'll be gone by the time I get back. So at the end of the day, we have come to an arrangement that suits everyone, even me. I am just very sad about having to leave DD for a two whole days but in all honesty, it's probably easier for me not to be around MIL and DD together.

I am now going to try talking to DH this weekend and ask him to think about what he said to me. petals, I don't think he would be too shocked if I said similar to him. He's one of those people who thinks you can fling words around and not think about their meaning or how they can hurt someone.

I really don't think this is about your MIL. I think this is about the complete lack of love and respect you receive from your husband. But it's not me that has to live with him and I guess this is not your breaking point.

I just hope you muster up some strength before it does too much damage to your dd. I fear he's already done his damage to you.

I agree ilove. I suppose I'm just relieved that the MIL issue has been sorted with a solution that does suit us all. I feel much less like she's been imposed on me now.

Obviously DH is another kettle of fish. I do receive love and respect from him for the most of the time. But I know it's not acceptable to be a complete bastard as soon as something he doesn't like happens. I'm not defending him here. It's just so hard being in this situation. I want it to work so when it's good, I forget about the bad times. When it's bad I wonder wtf have I done? Maybe I'm being a coward.