dh says no to 4th child-i feel scared of next phase of life

[scrunchy]

my dh has said absolutely no to a 4th child.we have 3 age 2-6.
i adore being a mum it is the happiest i have ever been,.the baby phase is so amazing for me,.i adore my kids as the get older but i feel bereft at not having a 4th.he would not discuss it before and now says he feels our family is complete.i feel i want that 4th baby that i never got a chance to go through a pregnancy knowing its my last.also the next phase of my life just scares me ..before kids i worked and studied and never found myself fulfilled by either,i do not have to work now and so studying would just be an expensive hobby,i volunteer but i find the prospect of my life being pick ups drops offs and that for the next 40 years dull.i am at a crossroads that i know we all face i juts am not ready to face it yet,i feel angry that he is deciding for my body,i am just full of resentment for him.i feel like either piling on the pounds and never having sex with him again,or getting out and trying to see if making him jealous works.yes i know this sounds terribly childish,i just feel such a lack of control and dont know how to remain an equal partner in a marriage where my wish is trampled on.

You wanting another baby is all about you. You don't want to work, stay at home and have more kids. What about what's best for your entire family?
Your DH is supporting a wife and THREE kids, don't you think that's enough?
It seems as though the kids are your identity and now you are behaving like a child too! I totally feel sympathy for your DH knowing what you are plotting to get back at him.

The thing is OP, it's the way you've responded to disagreement here - with strangers - that makes it so plain why your husband won't 'discuss' this.
Can you honestly say you're interested in hearing why he thinks he's done? Or would a discussion actually be a party political broadcast on behalf of the 'we're having another baby party'?

You need to think really carefully about that because your problem is not that you aren't having number 4. It's that you and your husband are poles apart on this. My sister's godmother, a very wise and ancient lady , told my mum once that 'Children are very precious but they leave. It's your relationship with your husband that is most important'. My mum says she didn't really get that when we were young but she understands it now and as my dc grow up - oldest is now past 16 - I start to get it too. You need to think about that. Childbearing is a tiny part of your life and your time in that phase looks done but you still need to work at the rest of your life. Keep resenting and not trying to get past it and the only place you're heading is for divorce.

Agree completely with MrsMaturin's sister's godmother

I feel for you and I think you have been treated harshly by many posters here. Mrs M's sister's godmother's advice is something I believe is important, although my children are still young.

I can relate to some of what you feel. DP told me when I was pregnant with DD2 that he was done. That was hard . I felt like I had had a very important decision made for me instead of being allowed to make it on my own.

But I hadn't had my heart set on a third, so I think it was easier for me to deal with. I still haven't quite accepted it in my heart, but there's lots of reasons why I know it's a sensible decision.

Waffle - I was not inferring anything. But if OP has 3 healthy children, perhaps she should count her blessings. Not all babies are perfectly healthy, and the burden of a disabled child coupled with the burden of the child being unwanted could really break the relationship. None of us can assume our children will be perfect.

FYI I stopped at 2 children, thinking I was really lucky my two were healthy and I did not want to gamble further.

"Oh, and he is not deciding over your body. He is deciding over his body. If you want to go and find someone else who will be willing to have a child with you, you are free to do so."

This.

OP, stop being a spoiled princess and stop stamping your foot. Are you prepared to have a child your husband doesn't want?

Yes, it's your body and your life. If you want that child so much go ahead and have it. Do what you want with your own body, time, energy and money. I support you 100%.

I also support your husband's right to do what he wants with his own body, time, energy and money. And in this case it's not to have another child.

I respect him for telling the truth and for not giving you false hope.

You can force the issue and "accidentally" get pregnant. If you do I hope you're prepared to be a divorced mum to four or in an incredibly unhappy marriage filled with resentment and mistrust, a family with three children and the "other one".

You can leave the marriage and be a single mum to four with the last child born to a different father.

What you can't do is claim that you're being dictated to.

You're not having any rights taken from you and you're not being told what you can and can't do. You're being told what he is willing and unwilling to do. Learn the difference fgs, before you lose everything.

I would have liked a third child, but DH was adamant that two was enough.
I felt like that till DS started school and then the broodiness went away. I was a bit sad about it, but respected that he had a say too.

Now my DC are 13 and 15 and I am glad we "only" have two for many reasons, but not least that being pregnant/having a newborn/toddlers/pre-schoolers was by far the easiest part of parenting for me and I think no.3 might have tipped me over the edge at times!

Or your 4th could be a twin or even triplet.

It sounds like you want a child to avoid moving on. But your children do need you to grow with them, to be parent them when they are six, seven, nine and ten and more.

You need to find something that makes you feel fulfilled - something you can do. Not have a baby to fill your life and stop you facing up to whatever it is that is holding you back.

I would've liked a second child but mother nature had other ideas!!
So with the realisation that I would not have a final pregnancy/sibling for DC1 came a lot of bitterness and anger - only, unlike you, op I had no one to blame. This was just the way it was. I embarked on counselling before I could further damage my dc and dh's home life with my misery and anger and I suggest you do the same. Your desire for another child is not your dh's fault but something you have to come to terms with yourself.

(I did have a surprise second baby many years after this point but coming to terms with something that was beyond my control has stood me in good stead in the years since)

I sort of went through something like this. I miscarried my "last" child and then H decided we wouldn't try again. It's safe to say I was very upset, and it was a massive problem in our marriage. Massive. (It happened the same time as alot of other crap stuff too).

Anyway, I did have another baby in the end, and we both adore her now and are so pleased we have her - but I wouldn't underestimate the strain this could put on your marriage if you persuade him to go ahead.

i would also say that as your children grow older, you move into the next stage anyway. I may have a very young child, but my eldest is a teenager. I've already left the young parent/baby stage even thought I'm still breastfeeding, still have nappies to change, still have a pram. In my and everybody elses eyes I'm no longer in that stage. The next stage is fab by the way.

Childbearing is a tiny part of your life and your time in that phase looks done

That's the truth - childbearing is HUGE part of your development and life experience but it only takes a tiny percentage of time compared to the many years of being a mother to older children and seeing them leave home. You need to think how to fill these years and come to terms with this fact, otherwise you'll end up with an unwanted fourth child and lobbying to have a fifth.

Three is already a decent sized family. You love the baby stage - so what. You might still want to go and have another after this one, and another. Where will it end?

I completely understand where you're coming from OP and accept that you probably don't behave like this in RL.

I have 2 boys, youngest is coming up 6 months. I've always wanted 3, I'm middle of 3 and love the dynamic of that. DH is one of 2 and wants to stick at two. Difference being that I'm very close to my family, DH probably not as much. I want to replicate what I grew up with, for my kids.

I was desperate through my second pregnancy because I was so sad to think it would be my last and when DS2 arrived I remember thinking "I'm not done yet!"

Having said all that, my sons are my joy but as DS2 grows I find myself more on the fence about a third. We live in a very expensive part of the world and privately educating 3 kids is not going to be cheap, not to mention travelling off island. 5 round trip tickets to UK will set us back $7000 a time.

However I did sit down with DH (who tries to avoid conflicting subjects) and I did explain to him that I'm not desperate for a third, however I need to come to the conclusion by myself that we should stick at two. Being told that I'm not allowed another makes me want to stamp my feet and shout "this is my dream you're taking away!" - I explained very calmly to him that I didn't feel done. I always wanted three, I loved being one of three and I'm not saying I want another now. I want to wait, I want to progress my career and see how I feel in 3 years or so. If the dynamic is perfect as it is, then I will have come to that conclusion by myself and made peace with the fact that we won't have a third.

But what made it easier to deal with was the fact that I could see DH processing it and actually understanding my point of view finally.

I'm 6 months after having DS2 and whilst I absolutely adore being in the baby stage and all that the first year brings, as he gets older I find myself getting myself back a bit more, and redefining myself as ME rather than a working mum who walks around with spit up on my shoulder.

I think it's the cold and definitive way your DH is treating you that is most upsetting and having been on the receiving end of that treatment (when DH thought I would badger him into a third immediately if he even thought of discussing it!) I think that is what is most damaging and what you're fighting against. I think he's being unreasonable not because he doesn't want a fourth child, but because he's refusing to acknowledge how difficult it is for a woman who currently defines herself by her motherhood to come to terms with. He needs to understand that by not discussing it, or allowing you an outlet for your feelings, it is damaging your marriage.

Hi OP,

I understand how you feel. It took me 4 years to persuade DH to have our first child, and another 4 before he agreed to a sibling. There is a 5yr age gap between my 2 which I never would have planned, although it's great now. I felt that when a couple gets married its kind of a given that they will want children, so was devastated to be told he didn't want any (after we were married). It was a physical pain that is difficult to explain and I'm sure I was quite irrational.

I think some posters are less sympathetic because it is number 4 you are upset about, not number 1 or even number 2. You are so blessed to have 3 children, it just seems a bit much to demand that you should be able to have a 4th if you damn well want one. But I won't say that, because I understand the feeling...

May I ask, were you both in full agreement about your first three children? I know you thought you were having 4, but was that always fully mutual? Just wondering why he would shut you down so quickly. I would never dream of asking DH for another, I feel so grateful for my 2.

Maybe your dh wants his wife back.

Do ye get out, have ye a babysitter?

My dh missed me when I was pregnant and the kids were small.
We had little quality time together.
I was too busy with the kids to notice that he wasn't enjoying it as much as I was.
Youngest is now 5
Dh and I are really reconnecting and
enjoying our next chapter.
The next phase is less busy and more balanced than what you have now.
At the moment you cant see it.
Maybe trust your dh on this one, he is seeing something you dont.

Get a job. You sound like you want an excuse to get out of taking any financial responsibility for your life.

Sounds like his mind is made up. Celebrate your 3 healthy young children and enjoy them. Try not to be resentful. He describes you as 'spoilt'....I don't mean to be nasty but you do come across in your posting as a little childish and spoilt.

You need to love what you have! Many people on here would be so grateful to have the love your husband gives you, I have 3 amazing children, each one is an individual, we had our first, with help and tried, like the clappers for number 2 with help again he came along 5 years later, we only ever planned for 2! But after a chilled out couple of years, an Xmas tree and a couple of bottles of rose champagne, along came a beautiful daughter, she was what we would call in our generation a " mishap" best mistake I ever made!! What I'm trying to say is take life as it comes! Enjoy it!!! Enjoy your kids, don't make new ones that could ruin what you have, not without his consent! 3 are amazing just try it mate! Middle one is always fabulous, always grumpy but the most confident one! Xxxxx

Think of the planet OP. 3 is more than enough. Your husband has said he doesnt want any more and there is nothing else to discuss, surely? Put another way, if having more means so much to you, maybe you need fo split up and start again with somebody new?

You can't keep having babies because you "like the baby stage".

OP, you sound very like a close family member of mine. Wanted lots of babies because she loves babies and ended up with 4 through not entirely moral means. Trouble was that once they got past the toddler stage she couldn't really be bothered with them. I'm sure she'd still be having babies right now if partner hadn't put his foot down hard. Poor kids. She had lots of tantrums too.

Have 4 children because you both look forward to having 4 teenagers. Having another child to extend the baby years doesn't make sense.

Think about the fact that the craving for another baby may never go away

I know a woman who has eight children and still craves another baby.
Now I know some people can we wonderful parents to eight or more

But in this case it's all about the baby, the older ones do not get enough attention and there are problems

If you are going to have to force yourself to stop at some point, why not now?