dh says no to 4th child-i feel scared of next phase of life

[scrunchy]

my dh has said absolutely no to a 4th child.we have 3 age 2-6.
i adore being a mum it is the happiest i have ever been,.the baby phase is so amazing for me,.i adore my kids as the get older but i feel bereft at not having a 4th.he would not discuss it before and now says he feels our family is complete.i feel i want that 4th baby that i never got a chance to go through a pregnancy knowing its my last.also the next phase of my life just scares me ..before kids i worked and studied and never found myself fulfilled by either,i do not have to work now and so studying would just be an expensive hobby,i volunteer but i find the prospect of my life being pick ups drops offs and that for the next 40 years dull.i am at a crossroads that i know we all face i juts am not ready to face it yet,i feel angry that he is deciding for my body,i am just full of resentment for him.i feel like either piling on the pounds and never having sex with him again,or getting out and trying to see if making him jealous works.yes i know this sounds terribly childish,i just feel such a lack of control and dont know how to remain an equal partner in a marriage where my wish is trampled on.

As someplace suggested, maybe you'd be better if starting a new thread with a less belligerent posting, asking for ideas / thoughts to help you work out why it's so important to you, what you might be able to do to find a better feeling of happiness with your life as it is, and how you might improve the communication in your marriage do you can both be felt listened to, but without making threats / pressuring each other to agree with your individual points if view?

Someone not someplace

Some fairly harsh responses on here!

Scrunchy it's not fair that your dh is refusing to discuss this issue with you. It's a very emotive subject within a couple and I get that dh refusing to discuss the issue is very painful. He needs to step up but you need to find a way to engage him that doesn't have him shutting down.

You have 3 children, you are blessed. I have 2 who are growing up and I can't even begin to tell you what joy watching them mature has brought me. My child bearing days were bought to an end suddenly by ill health. Who knows if we would have opted for a third child, I certainly got broody and had times of real sadness but I couldn't have any more children so got on with it. I'm not suggesting you should just get on with it, just saying that many people don't have the foresight to reflect on their pregnancy as their last while they go through it.

Maybe counselling would help you to talk through your fears and sadness.

it sounds as if you are so scared that you will next want a fifth, then a sixth, any number to keep those babies around you, but they will grow up, and then whichever number, you will have an empty nest, and you will at that stage have to rely on yourself to get through life, and if you have no other interests, what then? You could be very sad and desolate.

A person with a lot of outside interests is a very interesting person in herself, and lives a full life.

A child is a lot more expensive than a hobby or studying.

You are a lot more than just a mother. Surely you don't want to just live through your children, particularly restricting this to babies - there's a whole wide exciting/manic/upsetting/huge important world out there - there's politics, wars to be interested in, geography/ nature/ fashion/ whatever floats your boat. Surely you'll be a better parent if you are informed about the world, actively setting an example to your children.

Why not volunteer at a nursery/train to be a child minder/a part time nanny, something to perhaps 'grow' you and still assuage this craving.

But also - perhaps get a few more non-child-related hobbies and interests for yourself, or, something like playing an instrument or learning a sport which you could do with your children and your dh to enrich their lives.

Don't just to live through your children - you don't want to be someone who can only talk about babies, boring, boring, boring, (to some of us anyway) .

Why not volunteer for a children's charity- whether an international one or a local one. Something like a charity for child soldiers, or starving babies, there are loads of children's charities, there must be one which interests you. Do something outside of the family to make your children and your dh proud of you. You have so much potential to do a lot of good - it would be a great example for your dcs, and it would help you too.

Just be brave and put your toe in the water.

OP I think you sound scared. I think right now you see yourself as a young mum with babies/little children, it's what you know. It all feels comfortable and safe. But what comes after this is unknown and scary.
I felt the same. I wanted to keep having babies to try and hold on to what I thought was me, to hold on to that perception of me.
But I did stop, and I had to accept that it all keeps moving forward. That as my children grow, I grow and change. And do you know what?
It's awesome!
My youngest is 6, my eldest 13, and it has been a joy to watch them all grow and change, to discover and nurture their personalities. Parenting now is so very different to what it was, and yes sometimes it is scary. The decisions and responses I make now can have a far more lasting impact than whether to get out the play dough or go to the park. But then, sitting and talking to my DD about her life and dreams, is amazing. Knowing that in some small way all that I did in those early days has encouraged her to grow into a confident and self assured teenager, is overwhelmingly satisfying. And watching her take her first steps out in the big, wide world as an independant person, makes me extremely proud.
Enjoy them while they are little, but look forward to what comes next, because it is fabulous.
Maybe look at getting some counselling to help your move forward, and appreciate what you have now and what you have to come. Good luck.

thats a very helpful and enlightened post TheUnexpectedMorrisDancer.thank you

Your DH has every right to say that 3, or any other number of kids is enough

Maybe so, but in no decent marriage does one partner have the right to totally dismiss the other's hopes, dreams and wishes without so much as a caring and understanding conversation.

BonnieF I'm afraid your name-calling makes you sound like the childish one.

atwitsendbutpaddlinghard and the others who mentioned volunteering etc ,i do volunteer work,i study part time continually,i do have other stuff in my life,i am just not ready to end this part of my life yet esp with it being on a sour note.
surfsup1 yes thats how i feel,and you know seeing as its me who posted here not my dh it is about me ,this post i mean,its my place to explore and vent .

OP I have a slightly different take on this. I know a family in which the father wanted to stop at 3 children, but the mother wanted more. They did go ahead and have a fourth, and that child is quite disabled - which has caused no amount of anguish, not to mention extra work and worry. Perhaps it is time to be happy that you have 3 healthy children, and to face the future happily, rather than taking a gamble on another child that is not actually wanted.

Whitsernam. That is incredibly harsh to infer any correlation between the child being disabled and if it was wanted or not before conception.

WaffleWiffle That is not what Whitsernam said.

Mexican. It was inferred.

OP I understand.

DH was incredibly against having #2, for a long time. I was very upset because I didn't want DS to be an only child. We'd always said we'd have 3 or 4 so I felt that he had completely switched the goal posts on me.

Things in our lives got better and he decided he did want another and we had DD. There is a 6 year gap between my two. It's not what I wanted, but if I'd had more earlier I wouldn't have the DD I have now and I can't imagine that.

DH now wants more, he just needed time. I don't feel that it's fair of your DH to refuse to even discuss it.

I understand what you mean about not wanting to move on. I have a friend who has two DDs, 8 and 10. She's done, but doesn't want to say she's done as it just sounds so final to her. And it is kind of bittersweet to admit that the pregnancy and new life stage is over.

I feel for you OP, and wish you the best.

I feel for you, OP. I went into my final pregnancy knowing that it was my last and was lucky that everything about it was lovely: healthy happy pregnancy, magical birth, easy contented baby. It's a very special memory and made it easy to "sign off" on that stage of my life.

Before that, I had a difficult pregnancy (difficult conceiving, hard pregnancy, horrid birth) and I was a nutter. A

A big part of how I identified myself as a mother was being the pregnant lady, the lady with a pram, breast feeding ... the whole experience. Once that's over your identity changes radically. You're no longer becoming a mother, you're being a mother. It feels as though such a big change needs proper warning and signposts, but you know that life isn't always so tidy.

If DH hadn't agreed to our last baby, I reckon I'd have felt the way you do and I don't know how I'd have handled it. Probably very badly...

I have a horrible capacity for resentment and it's a shitty, small, nasty emotion that eats away at you and is a roadblock to your kindness and tolerance and happiness. It gives you a cat's bum mouth and tired grouchy wrinkles. It's really really worth fighting it.

well i should rephrase i feel scared and angry at being forced into the next stage of life.

The next stage of your life is coming whether you like it or not, the grown up thing to do would to explore your fears rather delaying the inevitable by having another baby.

Would having more discussions really help? Or is it the lack of 'Changing his mind' opportunities that you really resent. I find it hard to believe the petulance you've displayed in this thread hasn't manifested itself in real life and any argument that your husband could give for not wanting more, would probably be dismissed as you're not interested in anybody else's opinions than yours.

There are issues here which having more babies most probably won't solve. Why not find a professional someone, who you can talk to and work on exploring your fears because your husband isn't the only one who isn't convinced by your current arguments.

What else is there to discuss, though? He doesn't want another child and you can't force him to. Unfortunately, the person who wants fewer kids trumps the one who wants more.

Surely three kids and a DH and a happy house is more important than a potential divorce and raising four kids as a single parent, one of whom isn't wanted by it's father?

I have had to reconcile myself to never being a mother again, so I do understand a little.

When DS was 13 months we had a big marital crisis with DH saying that he wasn't sure about the relationship and withdrawing all affection for five months. Even when things got better he still didn't want to try again. DS was nearly 3 before we began trying again, only for nothing to happen. Two years of trying, a lot of tests and a diagnosis of unexplained secondary infertility later, we are on the verge of stopping due to the ever increasing age gap.

Could I have got pregnant if we had not had that rocky patch? Who knows. I am steeling myself to sell all the baby stuff, although it will be hard. :(

OP

It may not have been until he was asked the question that his answer crystallised for him ie he hasn't been lying to you as you feel he has.

For a while, after a newborn, everyone is in baby blur! Now your youngest is two, walking, talking, developing a modicum of independence, sleeping through, maybe potty training - he can see that the next phase is exciting.

There were a lot of steps along the way to us not having another - " if we don't, no more nappies" "if we don't, no more sleepless nights" etc. Even though we'd decided, it was hard to give away the baby stuff at first.

It is crap that he won't talk this through. You deserve the chance to make your peace with his decision: not necessarily to persuade him out of it but to have him listen to you.

Op, I asked you lots of questions as did others, you've not responded to any of them. The questions are to allow people to understand better so they can offer their take - which is the reason for posting on a forum. Your posting does come over as very angry (understandably) but also quite child like in your ways of handling it (I can't imagine why getting fat or flirty strikes you as a way to get what you want).

This place isn't hugs and huns it's straight talking and practical. You'll get some top quality advice but you might not like it. If you want a tranch of people agreeing with you and patting you on the back there are plenty of forums that can offer that. This one however will focus on sorting the situation with you.

I feel for you, getting closed down on something this big is hard.

You say there have been no questions. I asked one quite early on.

Would you really want to have a baby that your husband doesn't want?