dh says no to 4th child-i feel scared of next phase of life

[scrunchy]

my dh has said absolutely no to a 4th child.we have 3 age 2-6.
i adore being a mum it is the happiest i have ever been,.the baby phase is so amazing for me,.i adore my kids as the get older but i feel bereft at not having a 4th.he would not discuss it before and now says he feels our family is complete.i feel i want that 4th baby that i never got a chance to go through a pregnancy knowing its my last.also the next phase of my life just scares me ..before kids i worked and studied and never found myself fulfilled by either,i do not have to work now and so studying would just be an expensive hobby,i volunteer but i find the prospect of my life being pick ups drops offs and that for the next 40 years dull.i am at a crossroads that i know we all face i juts am not ready to face it yet,i feel angry that he is deciding for my body,i am just full of resentment for him.i feel like either piling on the pounds and never having sex with him again,or getting out and trying to see if making him jealous works.yes i know this sounds terribly childish,i just feel such a lack of control and dont know how to remain an equal partner in a marriage where my wish is trampled on.

Why do you have to have four though? You might end up wanting a fifth.

I don't blame your husband for not wanting to discuss it, it does sound like that would be giving you false hope.

cheers for the nice advice ladies,.heart warming stuff

so not a singkle other person here has wanted another baby and their partner refused?i do not know why so many have been rude about me on this thread,i posted my thoughts i put my feelings up on the screen for clarification ,for exploration not to be bashed and abused

So you want a baby so you have something to do with your life? Nice. Why don't you buy a dog or something?

Don't buy a dog, adopt one, too many unwanted dogs to be buying them /end aside

thanks for your perspective adarajames

i do not want a damn dog,do you have any children distance call

I'm sorry, but having children is a fresh decision with each one and if one person categorically doesn't want to have one/another; that is the end of the discussion and you must accept it, with good grace if possible, if not for your husband's sake when he's done nothing wrong, then for the sake of your existing 3 children who need you to.

How many times have you raised the issue, out of interest?

Your OP screams that the issues and feelings you have are about you, and need to be resolved by you not by having another baby to delay facing them for another two years.

Oh, and by the way. If your husband doesn't want any more children, he is entitled not to want them. Just as you would be. Children are the result of two people wanting them. If one of them doesn't want to, then that's it.

Trying to "force" your husband into having another child (particularly when you have THREE already) by getting fat or making him jealous has got to be the most childish thing I've ever read. Bringing a new person into the world is a serious matter, sweetheart.

But you're not answering any questions, OP.
At least one person has said they don't like the sound of your H, and I myself have asked you if he is like this generally or if it is specific to the baby issue.

That is why you come across as someone that your husband could be forgiven for not "discussing" things with.

Because you're not discussing here.

You want everyone to call him a bastard, perhaps?

Instead people are probing whether there is more to his behaviour, what are your fears, etc. You're just ignoring it.

there was no questions just lots of telling me i am spoilt and horrible.no he never discusses anything.i give up on this its quite abusive here and i do not need this .thanks to anyone who was had a grain of humanity in their repiles.mumsnet directs those in need of chat and advice on this issue to this board but i feel i have gotten some horrendously nasty replies.

Oh, and he is not deciding over your body. He is deciding over his body. If you want to go and find someone else who will be willing to have a child with you, you are free to do so.

OP, you are not getting much support here so I wanted to add my experience which is similar to yours. I understand how you feel.

I had always wanted 4 and was always vocal in this, it was no secret.

DC3 was about 2 years old when I mentioned casually and conversationally about trying for fourth and last child. His easy-going and conversational reply was along the lines of 'im not even sure I want another, maybe we are done?'.

He was shocked by my immediate and instant response - me trying and failing to fight the tears, which came with sobs.

What was a light, easy going conversation became serious. My main issue, like yours OP, was that I didn't get chance to go thro a pregnancy and baby knowing it was my last. I still had all baby stuff saved in the garage ready for DC4. To suddenly have that taken away unexpectedly was horrible to face, given that we'always said four children.

My story has a different ending to yours tho OP. DH said he hadn't really thought about it before speaking. My conversation was out of the blue and caught him off guard. I took a long time to believe him and be persuaded because I didn't want him agreeing only cos it was what I wanted. We talked at length about it over several months.

Turns out it took over a year to conceive DC4, but she is due any day. I am 40 weeks pregnant exactly.

I feel blessed to have been able to enjoy this pregnancy as my last and feel ready to have this child lead me into the next stages of my life.

I don't think anyone has been abusive ,the problem here is that you thought lots of people would agree with you and unfortunately for you they don't . Its much like it is with your problem - you don't like the answers so you choose to flounce .

thanks wafflewiffle its just like that,i have all the baby stiff saved,ds just turned 2,and the conversation(loosely use that word)was just like yours.i feel he is just cutting off any possibility of conversation,my feelings were always clear and if he felt otherwise he should have spoken up rather than dump it on me after our son turned 2 .best of luck to you xxx

"Are you generally patronised and not listened to?"

^

Could have sworn I thought that was a question when I posted it.

There are other questions from other people. People trying to engage you and help.

Where I was coming from was that frankly you sound totally unreasonable but if he treats you like this over everything, I think you'd start to get some very different responses.

None saying he should let you have this baby... but lots supportive and helpful.

But I've just told you that I asked you a question and straight away you said no-one had.

Can't you see this is why you come across as impossible to discuss with, and so sympathy falls with your husband?

If you just want to rant, why not start a new thread and say you're grieving losing the idea of number 4?

its not the anwers i do not like its the rudeness.

pardon me ,no i am not patronised ,but he does not talk about anything 'heavy'

Scrunchy, your husband is unfair to not discuss this. Especially if you talked and agreed to 4 children previously.

I am not saying he should agree to 4, but you have every right to expect a discussion on the matter and not be shut down.

He should listen to your hopes and wishes as much as you do his. At the very least any couple should support each other and understand the compromise both people are making.

To not even discuss it means he is unwilling to even try to uhh understand your upset.

You sound like you're addicted to babies and the 'extreme need ' phase of parenthood. Maybe spend some time considering why that might be because it sounds like once the 4 th is out of nappies you'll be craving your next fix.

its not the anwers i do not like its the rudeness

No, it isn't. You not liking answers are the exact reason you came on here in the first place.

i am with my dh 17 years,the off cuff remarks about me divorcing him or having a baby with someone else are stupid.has no one else had an issue like this where they feel they will have resentment in their hearts?why is that so hard to understand ,we have a strong marriage in all respects but this bolt from the blue as i feel it is,.